So much to blog so little time

I have thought of literally at least 5 blogs over the last few weeks. I just wish I had a minute (and a better internet connection) to get through one of them.

First off: Why oh, why am I putting myself through the ringer over J? still! I was going to write a blog two weeks ago about asking for what you want and how it's a good thing...yeah, not so much. Keeping my mouth shut now. Not saying anything. It only leads to embarassment and misery. That whole, you never know unless you try. Yes, yes I do know. J will turn me down when I invite him out, or over, or offer to help him out wiht something. But when he's ready it's all "I'll be over in 15 mintues." Of course that's a week after he says, "yeah, I'll stop by sometime soon." Maybe if I start avoiding him too he'll miraculously dissapear and I'll never have to think about him again.

Second off: At least three times in the past three weeks I've wanted to start a new blog entry with "I think I've made a mistake" or "I officially made a mistake." I mean really. What the fuck am I doing? I can't say that this job was a trade up from my last one. It's more work, the same type of half-assed training, and the delusional company that thinks I know what I'm doing. I want to cry when I think about the shear mountain of work I have to get done with no clue how to actually do it and no-one here willing to sit down and de-mystify my job for me. Include the fact that I some how got cast as an extrovert who llikes talking to people, young people, kids, parents what have you and now has to on a weekly basis. I don't like it. I don't like them. I want to shut myself away with a pile of books and dvds and only come out for dances and dance classes. I have started looking at job postings in other industries - again. It usually is good for a bit of a day dream pick me up before reality sets in. Oh, yeah, I can't move, I have lease. Which leads to...

Third off: What was I thinking moving here? I have 'larder beetles' under my sink. I found one when I left the cat food dish out. Ewww. At least I learned my lesson and I have never in my life been so glad that I'm a vegetarian. They prefer protein, unfortunatly pet food is their favorite. I am now going to have to be doubly responsible about doing the dishes immediately
. Oh, and did I mention the three days of no heat in my bedroom now that the temperatures have finally decided to resemble winter? Granted they fixed it fairly quickly - got me a new heating unit. But still. This would not have happened in my mother's house. Which of course brings me to my lovely $$$ situation. When the hell did electricity become so god-damn expensive and how can one person with only two rooms use so much of it!? I only have 4 lights! Use one burner maybe twice a week. Leave the heat off during the day when I'm not home and most of the night when I'm tucked in, 1 toster oven that is on for like 20 minutes a day on the weekend. WTF?! Why am I being shafted!?

Fourth off: Stupid J. He parks next to my building. Free sex, here with me, next to his parked car which he has to go to in order to get home....so where the F is he? Have I heard from him? No. But he does do stupid things like give my waist a little extra squeeze after showing a move in class. He's such a tease. I don't know why I put up with him. Yet again...what does this make the count 100? 1000?...I'm thinking of telling him no more. I'm heading for being hurt or a long duration of single-dom with the very rare pick-me-ups from J. He's helping me out in May though, and I still go to his class every two weeks...not that I need it really at this point, and it would be akward right now. I don't know if I can take this for 4 more months. And Valentines is in two weeks. I shouldn't be bothered with it. I've been alone for lots of V-days. I'm just driving myself crazy thinking about him and Valentines. Like who he's going to be with? Why oh why am I wasting my emotional energy on a guy who does NOT have feelings for me (none above the waist anyway)? Why am I such an idiot on this one? Why do I keep imagining that something is going to change?