I just deleted a previous blog in which I detailed about some of my old lovers and my current situation with J. Frankly, I don't want to get flagged. The whole idea was that I wanted somebody to stumble on my blog and commiserate with me. Like the one person who commented to reasure me that I'm not a whore (thanks again by the way, but I'm beginning to think you're wrong). If I get flagged for talking details then I've defeated my own purpose.
A watered down version of what I had wanted to say...well, maybe not watered down, but more emotional and less physically oriented, and that might be better in the long run.
J has not taken me out. In fact I haven't heard from or seen him in a few days. It honestly didn't occur to me that he might turn out to be that guy. You know, that guy you sleep with and never calls you again. Well, I did sleep with him, and he did call me, he even called me when he said he would. So I slept with him again, and I got a less specific "I'll call you soon." But that was almost a week ago. I did see him breifly about 5 days ago and he did kiss me, but still no phone call.
I realize that I want more than just sex. I actually like him and I'm settling for the physical. In theory I don't have problems with the just physical relationship. It works for some people. The fact that I am insanely attracted to J doesn't help. It is like my body just takes over I can't even really explain it, I just have to think about him, or be near him, he doesn't even have to touch me before I am completely turned on by him. He's made comments along the lines of "next time" and "if we keep doing this" which lead me to believe he wants to keep doing it, so then why haven't I heard from him? My mind races to ideas about him having other girls or not being as attracted to me as I am to him and therefore he just doesn't want to see me as often as I want to see him.
I am afraid to ask for more than just sex and I am afraid to call him for fear of losing what little attention I do get from him. Stupid I know. Selling myself short I know. And yet I can't help it. I don't want this for myself, but I want him so badly.
Monday, June 26, 2006
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4 comments:
I am still reading. (Although I missed the post you deleted.) I still don’t think you are a whore. Being alone and wanting someone so badly that you do something you later regret is something many of us women struggle with.
I hoped so much that he would not turn out to be that guy, but I was afraid he would. You know as well as I do it usually ends up that way.
Hey, you can always do the old go sleep with someone else to feel better about yourself trick. That one always works! (That was a joke.)
This habit is something you will always struggle with, probably. I have been in a monogamous relationship for over seven years - married for almost four - with a man who is my best friend, an awesome lover, and a great husband and father, but when I am down on myself for whatever reason, I find myself fantasizing about that great feeling I used to get when I would hook up with some guy who was totally into me (or at least acted like he was). How’s that for sick?
I wanted to refrain from giving you advice, but you should probably stay away from the x in your fragile state (if he's not still ignoring you). I just don’t want you to get any more hurt than you are right now.
Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.
My deleted post was just a list and description of how quickly I got into bed with each of them. I don't know why by I feel so comfortable with men after I sleep with them. The nerves about talking to them, wondering what they think about me usually melts right away and I can be normal. I don't know why it didn't happen this time.
Oh he's trying to turn on friend mode allright. I don't get this 'friend mode', though. I mean, he can just not call and make life easier for everyone. That's what I do :P But then, i can be a schmuck.
You were at my blog.. welcome me here. I like your blog. What part of earth are you from?
-4
4WD: I stumbled on your blog it seems like a weird compliment to mine...I can't figure out guys, and you seem to have your share of girl issues.
I'm in the horrible metropolitan suburban sprawl of the good ol' USA. I've never been to India, but it's on my list of places I want to see before I die.
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