Hate Me Today

I've been a lousy person this week. I was only thinking of myself and consequently hurt a friend. Granted that friend is the X, but even so I feel bad. Like I have squashed his feelings into nothingness, pulled out his heart and trampled on it beneath my dancing feet.

Last weekend we went out. I didn't want to go home after dance class and deal with my parents so I called him up and we went to lunch and just hung out a bit. In the hanging out time he asked about "us" because with my promotion at work and looking for a place to live in the area. I said that I still didn't think it was a good idea to get back together because we were both looking for jobs out of town. I want to leave the state even, he does not. He wants to end up near his family closer to his home town. I should have been straight foward and said that I didn't have feelings for him rather than blame logistics. But I'm a chicken shit. He said we could stil see each other with out being akward, maybe see more of each other than we had been, and lets go away to the beach this weekend. In my cowardess I said yes. But really, I don't want to see too much of him, because I have other people to see, and I don't want to go on a weekend trip with him because we're not together. I wouldn't go away for the weekend with L. But I didn't say that instead I said yes.

And then I found out that the parentals are going on vacation and I could invite J over for some quality time in an actual bed. Which sinched it for me. I had to call the X and explain that I would not be going away for the weekend with him, and that I thought he might still harbor hope that we'd eventually make it, and that was infact not true. I was never able to get ahold him. I should have emailed him and said, hey I don't want to go to the beach and left it at that. He would have understood. I am not an outdoorsy person. But no, I was in set-the-record-straight mode and kept putting of until I could speak to him. Only I never got to.

Yesterday he appears on chat and asks me what I'm doing on Friday did I want to put software on my new computer. Color me confused. So I said maybe Monday, I might be going out on Friday and didn't want to leave him hanging with a maybe. The rest of the convo went down hill from there:
X: So you were lying about going to the beach?
Me: No, I just thought better of it. I don't feel comfortable with spending the night with you. I tried calling and I never got through.
...
...
Me: Are you mad that I don't want to go to the beach?
X: -signs off-

Me in email: You really are mad aren't you?
His email: It was better when we weren't talking. Have a great life, I hope you're happy.
My email: If that's what you want I'll respect it.
His email: Maybe I was quick to say that, but it's kind of true. If you didn't want to go you should have said or emailed me. I don't think you tried to call at all. Telling me the day before we're supposed to leave is just blowing me off.

So I wrote an email trying to explain myself. I think it has caused more drama that anything else. I'm not even sure why I feel so terrible. Because I know that I was blowing him off, but at the same time, I do have legitamate reasons for not wanting to go with him.

But lets compare:
He broke up with me over the phone after treating me like shit for two months. He waited for 5 months after I've lost 20lbs and gotten a social life before contacting me again. In that time if I saw him I was ignored.
I didn't tell him right away that I had no intention of getting back together with him three months ago when he wanted to. Instead I chose the "lets casually date and see where things lead" option. I cancelled a weekend trip.

So really...why am I so worried about his feelings. He's as much a jackass as I'm a bitch.