I hate my life.

I am the most miserable I have been since hurting over the X.

Nothing in my life is right. I hate being at home, but everyone is telling me that it's a mistake to move out. I do nothing at my job but be bored. I get no benefits for working full time. It is only a temporary postion so I am out on my ass in a year. If I continue to look for a permanent job with benefits, I might have to break a lease if I do move out on my own. All the places I look at are hell holes. I barely sleep and I don't eat well. I just keep thinking about this horrible limbo state I am in. Not having anywhere to go, not really doing anything, and not seeing any way for it to get better any time soon.

I feel good during 3 things...being with J, dancing, and exercizing. They're all relatively mindless (not J, just the sex part) I get to turn the thinking analyzing part of my mind off and just be for a while. I can't be with J if he's busy, I am too self-concious/shy to go dancing by myself, and since I'm depressed I rarely take the initative to exercize outside of my classes. Though I wish I had brought my gym bag with me today at least then I could go running after work instead of going home and having to deal with family.

I'm beginning to resent my mother's husband more and more each day. His response to me complaining about my job (which he never said directly to me...no he would never be so straight forward as to actually say anything about me to my face) was that I was being imature. That I needed to realize that I will always face difficult situations and have to deal with difficult people and that I'm going to have to grow up and deal. That my reasoning was convoluted and why am I bothering to look for another job? Temporary, old man, my current job is temporary! with no health benefits. You may not care to ever go to the doctor, because you know that you're weak and wrinkly ass is falling apart, but I on the otherhand am young and healthy and would like to stay that way. I also like my teeth, and my eyesight and would periodically like to have those both checked out by (gasp!) a doctor!

I got into a chat argument with the X. He doesn't like the area of town that I am looking for an apartment in. It's not safe he says. I know plenty of people who live around there and they're fine. So he says we aren't communicating effectively and signs off. What a dip-shit. He has this totally unreasonable fear of certain areas of town, mostly places that I've lived. I wish he'd go back to hicksville where he's obviously more comfortable. I wish he'd stop making demands on my time and energy. I wish I could stop falling back to asking him for help or support because it's just sending him mixed messages. I wish I wasn't so damn weak.

I wish I could go to sleep for three days and wake up with a huge shot of endorphin to make me happy. Well rested and happy. Instead of being angry with everyone and anything that has a notion to not agree with me.