I stood up for myself - so why do I feel bad now

I got another text message from J last night. I had gone out with a girlfriend. It was a fun girly night of drinking. She's having problems with her boyfriend so I did alot of listening.

As soon as I dropped her off at her house I got a text message. I had gotten one from my ex-personal trainer seeing how I was doing on my own and a few from guys I dance with wondering if I was coming out that night, I was expecting another like that. But it was J asking if I was awake.

My heart started pounding and I got upset. I pulled over and texted him back asking if he meant that text for me because it sounded like a booty call and I thought he wanted to be just friends. I kept driving and pretty soon he texted me back - It was for you. I still want to be intimate with you, I guess it was a booty call. I drove for a while because I was trying to figure out what to say. Eventually I found a gas station to pull into so I could text him back when I was about half way home. I said - You've ignored me for months, you'll probably continue to after if I slept with you. You know that's not what I want. He never replied. Not even to defend
himself.

After sleeping on it, I feel like I could have phrased it better. I shouldn't have said "you" so much. When I got home, and even now I feel like it was a really harsh thing to say. I'm so tempted to apologize and to explain better. But the truth is that I told him that I had a problem sleeping with him but not getting anything else. I really hate is inability to reply to this stuff. He did it with the emails a few months ago too. I'm not sure if this will make him stop communicating with me all together, or if maybe he'll start talking to me know. I'm not sure.

So, why do I feel so crummy? Because I was hoping that him seeing me again would spur something more than a booty call. Because it just reminds me that to him I'm just something to fuck and not really a person worthy of much time. Because if I could have him as often as I want, and not as rarely as he does, maybe I'd make the consession. Because the guys who always seem so passionate about me never excite the same in me.