Obsession, Regression, Depression

I recently spoke to NG. Well, texted. He took some photos of one of our dates and I wanted the ones of me. So he emailed them to me. For a while before this whole B & J thing, I had backslid on that one too.

I had not seen him for quite awhile and then at the beginning of May his friend asked me out to dinner. I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any less awkward. He'd been trying for a while, since before I went out with NG. But I picked NG, he's the one I liked, the one I was attracted to. I was hoping that after I went out with NG, that the the friend, TF, would back off too. But no such luck.

Now the dancing community where I live isn't as big as it is in some cities like LA or NY, so it's not completely unusual to see exes and to date the friends of exes. SOG not only stayed friends with one of his ex-girlfriend, but was friends with her next boyfriend, and that boyfriend's next girlfriend. So, it's not too weird that TF asked me and thought it would be okay. The problem is that I still really like NG.

The night TF asked me out, NG also came out to the club for the first time in at least a month. I knew he'd be there, but I pretended I didn't and texted him to find out w/ a lame excuse about why. When he did show up we had a friendly chat and that was it. He spent the evening hanging out with TF. At one point I thought they were talking about me while I was dancing, cuz when ever I looked over they seemed to be looking at me too. That was a bit disconserting. I mean, the one guy I went out with (I wish I was still going out with him) and his friend who wants to go out with me.

The next week NG came out again. This time I arrived late with one of my girls, because I had driven her over to dance with J (probably the reason I'm so jealous, is I've been over there every weekend in May except the first one). I wanted to get J off my mind, so I asked NG to dance. It wasn't until afterward that I realized he had a girl with him. A cute blonde. I haven't seen him at the club since then.

After that night I admit, I got a little obsessive. I was checking out his myspace and facebook every few days to see if he changed his single status (he hasn't). I was looking at the pictures to see if I could see them together. I didn't see any of her, but unfortunately, I did see one of another girl. They were dressed up and she was holding a flower. It looked alot like the picture your mom takes before prom. Only he's too old for that. So I'm figuring it's his old Frat's formal that he was meeting to plan when we were together and that I really thought I was going to get to go to with him.

And I finally texted him about those photos yesterday. I just needed something to stop me from thinking about J and B. About how much I want to do something in retaliation. So instead of thinking about that, I decided to think about a decent guy instead. Sure I think NG lead me on a little too, but at least not in the "I'll fuck you but not date you" kind of way. More in the "I jumped the gun on my feelings for you" kind of way. But at least it's a reminder that there are some decent guys out there, if he doesn't want to be with me.

I'm supposed to have a date tonight with yet another guy I dance with. I am beginning to understand NG's excuse for breaking up with me - although, I don't think it's an appropriate one for 3 weeks later. But I just don't think about this guy alot. He was out of the country for two weeks and I had to write a reminder note to myself to email him, or I wouldn't have. He's a great dancer, I really enjoy dancing with him, and he is an attractive guy, but I'm just not that into him. He talks about himself alot, and manages to turn the conversation around to himself even after I try to get a word in. He's really smart though, has a job and a business. But I just don't get excited about him.

I remember New Years Eve. NG and J were both there. And while I still had a slight flutter for J, I was totally into NG. I would say that NG only upset me at the very end when I knew he was not feeling something for me and then when he broke it off. Otherwise he always made me smile and feel good and we could talk forever. When he sent the pictures his email said I looked sexy in one. I don't know how to take that - I know how I want to take it. But when he broke up with me he did so by naming all my great qualities including my physical ones, and then saying that he still didn't care about me like he should. No wonder I have issues, because it doesn't really matter how great I am, if nobody wants to be with me.