Just when I thought it was safe

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm an obsessively envious person I am beginning to realize. I know it stems from my own lack of confidence, but there it is. I'm back into my old situation with BMG, only it's a different girl. BMG finally moved away, and she's been replaced by B. Now, I've always been friends with B. Despite the fact that I became envious of her the day I met her, she was so nice I couldn't help but become her friend. I thought we could actually talk about things, I confided in her about J. She told me her situation with cheating on her boyfriend and following him out here to prove she was sorry. I thought we were friends.

I got even more envious when she started performing with J. They got to practice, and it felt like he was choosing her over me. I figured I was over reacting because she loves her boyfriend and having cheated on him once she never would again. I have an amazing instinct it seems, because I wasn't over reacting.

I'd been excluded from some conversations that B had with other girls on the team. But I caught a few things. I'd noticed how J came out to clubs when she did after she'd been absent for awhile. When I expressed concern about her leaving a club early once in April she told me "I've just got issues I need to talk to the BF about."

The first performance I did with J was because B said she couldn't do it. She blamed team practice, but the fact that I could do the performance showed that to be a lie. The next day I was talking to her about it. I was talking about how I thought J was flirting with me a little and I thought maybe he wanted to try to get in my pants again. Then she asked me how he was in bed.

One weekend while out dancing she complained about how he barely said hello to her. And then went on and on about the connection she feels with him on the dance floor. One of the reasons I'm so envious of her is that she captures every man's attention. She could have any man she wanted even though she has a boyfriend that loves her.


Last wednesday we were at a club and B came out, and J came out. I had had a couple of drinks and so I had this conversation with her:

Me: Why am I not surprised that J comes out on a night that your here.
B: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, he happens to be here when you're here. It's pretty obvious that he'd be all over you if your single.
B: (pause - starts to say something - stops)
Me: Unless he already has.
B: No, he's just here because I called and asked him to come. I wanted him to dance with my friend who's knew to dancing.

For days I felt like shit for being a bitch. I thought, how of rude of me. Now I realize it was the other way around.

Last weekend B's BF became a fiance. Last night was her birthday party. Another of our friends was performing with J so a month ago I (in total innocence and ignorance) suggested we have her birthday there. While on the dance floor with B and another of our girls she starts talking to the other. The other asked how J took her engagement. B says she had wanted to call him and tell him in person (the girls on the team got text messages), but hadn't gotten a chance.

Finally, I had enough. When J came over to ask B to dance and then proceeded to dance the entire set of six songs I took the opportunity to talk to the other girl. I'm probably closest to her. I said, "do you promise to tell me the story behind B and J later? She hasn't told me anything, but I know she's told you and S. I think she doesn't want to tell me because she knows my history with him."

That's when I found out that when B performed with J and they practiced, they'd also fool around. It got to the point where B thought she had feelings for J and told the BF. (That would be the issues)

I'm figuring that's why she told J no to performing with him again. And it's obvious she chose the BF over J. A part of me hopes that he's sad, that J took the engagement badly and that he really had his feelings hurt by her because he hurt mine. The problem with that means that once again she gets chosen and I get nothing. It's like being rejected all over again. But if not, leaves J to be the eternal player, the total jackass, and I still can't get over wanting him anyway. Which makes me more of an obsessive wackjob than I already am.

I am so mad, so angry, so sad and upset I spent 4 hours crying last night and I'm crying now. She lied to me last wednesday. She said J didn't try anything with her. I thought this girl was friend.

I want to go up to her and say "You must think I'm blind, deaf and stupid to not see through you."

It's so hard to go out to a regular club, or a restaurant and see her get hit on, flirt with the guys she cares nothing for, and still she talks about the love of her life the BF. I feel sorry for this guy I should really call him PB for Poor Bastard. She's not going to stop. She pulled the exact same act back at there last home. She met a guy dancing, fooled around, had feelings for him, but loves her BF. The BF left her came out here and she followed him because it made her realize just how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with just him. Then she comes out here and does the exact same thing. Marriage is not going to stop her. I feel bad for this poor guy who would let her do this to him twice.

I feel like a collasal idiot for ever talking to her about my personal life. Maybe she thought she was sparing me. But of all the people she could have talked to about the situation, I'm the one who would have understood what she was going through. I fell for him too after all. Or maybe she knew I'd try to talk her out of it and she didn't want that. I'm angry with J, but I've known what a jackass he is. I don't have to like him to work/perform with him and take his money for it. I thought I wanted to get back in bed with him, I thought I was ready to be his friend, but now I hate him more than ever. A part of me wants to fuck him anyway, just so I can tell B that I did. If she had feelings for him, she's not gonna like that. I even had a malicious fantasy where after she moves home I make moves on the fiance. Just to teach her what it feels like - what she's done to this guy.

At this point I don't know what to do. B's on my dance team, she's my partner for half of it. We used to go out multiple nights a week. We are supposed to train for an October marathon together Now I can't stand to look at her or talk to her. I don't know if I want to clear the air with her and try to save the friendship or just start to distance myself from her. She's moving back to her hometown at the end of August for at least 6 months. The other girl (the one I made talk) is gonna know why I'm doing it. She knew that I wanted to get back in bed w/ J, if not everything else, and she's gonna know I'm mad at B for fooling around with him and not telling me.

I know some of this is jealousy and my issues. But, that doesn't change the fact that she's a cheat and a liar. I don't know if I want her as my friend, but if I don't try to clear the air am I going to lose the other team members as my friends as well? Which makes me contemplate quitting the team. But if I can make it through august, maybe I won't have to.