I'm afraid to leave my building

So, it's a been a week since my ill-advised car sex with R. I never really thought he'd keep up the "we should go out pretense" and in truth he only half has. But still I'm getting at least one, sometimes three calls and texts a day. His texts are mostly "Hi, where are you." As if I'm going to text back "AT home, alone, and naked big boy." At least J put in a few pleasantries before asking if I was at home and could he come over.

I tried to put R off with the whole "I'm busy" thing. I went out with SOG on the Saturday after and with girl friends on the Sunday after. Monday He texted me just as I was walking into my apartment building. It seriously creeped me out that he might be around. Thankfully right after the "Hi" text I got a "where are you." I lied and said the library working on a job application. Hoping he would take the hint and not bother me, but no such luck he asked what I was doing on Tuesday. I said I was going to dance lessons. The weather didn't allow me to go, and I just didn't bother picking up when he called at 9 that night. On Wednesday I finally picked up the phone and told him I wasn't feeling well and was gonna stay home, that yes, my roommate was in. That was the truth (not the staying in part - although turned out to be true) the university we live near and my roomy works at was closed with the snow so she couldn't go anywhere and I wasn't gonna dig my car out. I should never have told him that I was sick - apparently I was ill when we had our first of three phone conversations back in November. So an hour and half after I hang up with him he calls again. I don't pick up, five minutes later he calls again, and three minutes after that. My roommate says, in 11 minutes he's called three times which means he's outside trying to get ahold of you. I didn't believe her until phone call four comes and he leaves a message.

"I thought you were at home, your car is in front of your building. I brought something for you. I left it outside your door." Now he doesn't know which apartment is mine and you have to get through a locked door, but he does know my building because he watched me walk in. So I waited another ten minutes hoping he'd left and call him. Tell him sorry I was taking a hot shower hoping to feel better and I'd go look for the bag now. Only I couldn't find it and went all the way outside looking for it. Bad move - it was inside the first un-locked door, but blended with the bagged newspapers that I hadn't seen it - and he was still driving around waiting for me to call so he comes around the corner as I'm looking outside.

I said hi, thanked him for the package (hat, mittens, herbal tea) and told him that I had to get back before my roommate got worried - I didn't lock the door behind me and said I'd be two minutes. He asked me which apartment was mine, I told him - I don't want him knocking on someone elses door thinking it's mine - but said that our buzzer didn't work and the only way to know if someone was here was phone call. And I explained the locked door to the apartments and that it was just a hallway there so that's why nobody heard him knocking. Then I left.

Turns out I did get sick that night. A really bad sore throat, aches, pains, and lots of mucus. Karma I'm sure. So Thursday I turned my phone off and got two messages and two texts both of which said "where are you." Thursday is my normal night out, I had been too sick when I got back from chicago to go, then I was avoiding NG for a week. I was actually looking forward to going back this week. For the dancing and for a strange jones to see NG. I know he's not gonna sponaneously want to date me again (as much as I wish that would happen, and fantasize about that happening) but I really miss him.

Today I texted R saying I got his messages and voicemails, but was sick and sleeping all day (not a lie) and that I was gonna be in all weekend. I left it with "talk to you when I'm better." I didn't hear from him all day. I thought, cool he got the hint this time! I had my phone on because my roomy was gonna call me to bring me food after work, but she never did. Which means I had my phone on when R did call at 7pm. He hadn't gotten the hint after all. I don't even remember what he said and then deleted it.

I'm sure he's not heartbroken and is gonna mack on some other girl this weekend - which is fine with me. I just wish I could get him off my back. I wish I could go back in time and leave that club when I meant to last week so I never would have danced with him in the first place, or said "what the fuck you followed me home after I told you not too? hell no I'm not getting in your car" and then gone in my house.

I'm gonna have to get rid of him soon. I'm moving in three weeks and I don't want him to offer to help. A week after that is my birthday day and I don't want him at the parties. I don't want to go on a date with him. Although, I am tempted to suck it up and go out with him once. I figure either we'll go on a real date and I can say "look it was fun, but I don't think we connected sorry I don't want date number 2." Or, he'll just want to have sex and I can say "hey, I thought we were really gonna date, I don't want casual sex I don't want to see you again." Because really I don't want to be another fuck buddy, and I don't like this guy for more than that.

Then there's always the white lie. So sorry, I ended up talking to my ex while I was laid up sick and it reminded me that I still have feelings for him. I just can't see you when I know I'd be thinking about him. If I have any chance of working it out with him I have to try. Except that is more of an out and out lie than a white lie. Because sure I have feelings for NG but he doesn't want to get back with me, and we haven't talked in about 3 weeks.

I wish girls could do the "fade away" that guys do so well.