Surreal

I am finding it hard to believe that a month ago I was giving SOG and his girls death glares, but now I am hanging out with them and on the route to being friends.

I ended up doing two shows this weekend the regularly scheduled October 6 show, and filling in at the last minute on Friday as well. Then we had regular practice on Sunday. We all went out on Saturday night after the show to until like 5am. So it was alot of bonding time with people I used to think were too cool to be around.

I'm having trouble with my instructor's instructions to start forgiving people. I have reawakened my loathing for J. Last Wednesday he blanked me at a club. Didn't say hi and didn't ask me to dance. He said good-bye to SOG, but I don't even think J looked in my direction even though there were times that he was dancing right next to me. Then on Thursday I made the mistake of text messaging him. I wasn't trying to get together with him. I was out at my usual Thursday night club, I was thinking of B and J, and wondering why he never came out to this club, but the one time a few months ago. So I texted him and asked that. Today is Wednesday and he never responded. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was out of town for the weekend. There was a huge dance congress out of town (the one that BMG quit the dance team in order to attend) and it's not impossible to believe that he would go. This didn't cheer me up when I thought of the possibility of J and BMG going together.

On Saturday as I was hanging out with B after our show J came up in conversation. I was pissed with him, I wanted her to know that he was just trying to get into her pants so I ended up saying something to that effect - that J was only calling and texting her to get into pants and that he'd stop if she would tell him that she has a boyfriend. I also called him a jerk because he never responded to my texts and only contacted me when he wanted to have sex. She rightly inferred that we had slept together, but promised she wouldn't say anything. The other girl on the team S (who is good friends with BMG) has the hots for L (we changed the subject when she came in to who on the dance scene would you sleep with given the chance). S also has a boyfriend, but things aren't going well. I wish I could have said don't bother, L is alot sexier out of bed than in it. S also mentioned J, but just to say that he had asked her to dance with him at his club a few times but was never able to.

I am still in the "I hate him but I want to win" mode. I want to dance really well with SOG sometime when J is watching. I want him to know that I'm not taking lessons with SOG, but that I'm on his dance team, just like all the other girls he's asked to help him out. I want him to know that I am good enough and then I want to squash him and his puny little ice-cold heart.

This attitude is a far way from forgiveness. I think even though I don't like her - I never got to know her - I have forgiven BMG. That was easier because the rational side of my brain always knew she wasn't an instigator and that she never really "stole" J away from me because he wasn't mine. But forgiving J is proving to be a much harder task. For five or six days now all I can think about is that he's a jackass, a bastard, a jerk and many other explicatives. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like this. I deserve so much better. And I'm never going to change his mind or open his eyes he's never going "come to his senses." But giving up on him and forgiving him for his jerky behavior are not the same thing at all. I have yet to manage the first one even though every rational part of my being is trying to get me to do it.