The World as I know it

Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. Stuff has been going on, but I've been in a funk lately. Which I suppose is the natural outcome of being pushed out of one's job and not getting the one hoped for. I'm sitting in an apartment I can't afford with a hobby I can't afford and no job prospects on the horizon.

To make matters worse my dancing world is also going topsy turvy. A few weeks ago I was in the middle of my private lesson when who do I see walk into the dance studio? BMG. At first I thought I was imagining things, but that was not the case. She was there, and she was there to stay. For two weeks she was there every day I was. The second week she was helping out behind the reception desk and the owner was talking like she already had a job lined up there doing sales. I managed to admit to my instructor that I had a jealousy issue with her, and that seems to have helped. I don't think that we can be friends but, at least I don't really hate her. The fact that he did say that she was a better dancer than me probably helped - odd I know. But he's my dance guru so there is not more hiding from the truth there - that and the fact that he said he was also positive that I am smarter. That just makes me smile.

I did a performance two weeks ago and it went horribly. For one most of the other girls ditched so there were only two of us. But to make matters worse. I discovered that my good friend B, was not skipping because of work like she originally said. She was skipping because she is now one of J's dance partners and she had a performance for that. Two actually.

I handled the news well for a few days. I saw B on Tuesday for a lesson with SOG and we made plans to work out together Wednesday morning. I was even nice enough to ask how the performances went even though she hadn't told me about them a another girl had. She jabbered away about being nervous etc. We talked about J as a dancer. The thing is that I've given B the short version of what happened with J and I. How I admitted to feelings for him and he just "wanted to have fun" and now ignores me. But she can be friends with who ever she wants, but I'm having a hard time not feeling betrayed.

I did fine until that night. We went out dancing and I don't know what she said as we were leaving, but I got home and sobbed my eyes out. I don't know if is the fact that she was going to be dancing with him again today, or that she got kissed on the dance floor by some other guy that made me realize she's infinitely more wanted than me. It just broke my heart the idea of them dancing together. I just sobbed and sobbed for knowing that no matter how good of a dancer I might become, I will never be good enough for J to ask me to be his partner.

And then Thursday came. I was puffy eyed and exhausted from crying myself to sleep, but felt a little better. It isn't as if I ever had to see them together. She knows I don't like going out to that club. Except that I was wrong.

I had a hair appointment right before another joint private with B and SOG. I had been wanting a change for a while - depression does that to me. Usually it's a guy, but not having a job and being turned down for the job I wanted counts. So she gave me what I wanted - something totally different. It was actually to the point where people didn't recognize me. At rehearsal after our lesson one girl thought I was a new member. At the club later I had my regular partners not asking me to dance and guys that don't generally ask me asking me.

I felt fantastic like I was the belle of the ball - cinderella but with out the curfew. Unfortunately I was wrong about the whole not seeing J and B together. Because around 10:30 I sit down after a dance and feel a touch on my elbow. I turn only to see J holding his hand out asking me to dance. I don't think it's a coincidence that B hasn't been out dancing in a couple months because of her work schedule but the one night she does come out with us J also shows up, I also don't think it's a coincidence that he asked me dance on the one night that my friends who see me 5 times a week didn't recognize me. Obviously he danced mostly with B and only asked me the one time.

I still had a great time though. I even went out and danced with B trying to lead her through what few moves I know. Granted I was just fooling around, but I saw J watching us, and the mean spirited part of me just wanted to show him that she and I are friends. So that if he tries anything I will know about it. And I wouldn't put it past him to try something on her. Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, she knows she over the top flirtatious. I asked her after the kissing incident if she said "hey, I've got a boyfriend, this is just dancing" and she said "oh, I probably should have." This is the boyfriend she moved across the country to be with.

A part of me is still hurt by the whole thing. But I also had the thought that he must see what a good dancer I am. I know that I am at least as good as B if not better. And it is more to do with personality than anything else. I'm confused by his inability to be nice or friendly despite my efforts. I can't see how he would think that I'm still hung up on him (sure maybe I am a little - but not in a stalker, I'm gonna wait forever for you, or a if I can't have noone can). I have never gone off on him or come on to him again. I can only imagine that it is imaturity on his part - but that is the part that is hard to get my head around. Sure you may not want to go out with me, but I am a likable person, and I don't see why he doesn't like me.

Stupid ass pride - but Thursday was such a good night. I am seriously hoping I can stop feeling bad about this. I will probably never go see them perform, but B is still my friend and J can go fuck himself for all I care.