That was a bad idea.

Why is it that even as I'm thinking "this is such a bad idea" I continuing to do what ever it is that I think I shouldn't be doing?

One of the guys I dance with at the different clubs and who is frequently in classes and workshops that I take invited me over about a month ago to work on some dance moves. He also works with SOG and I have helped him out in his lessons there. On Friday he invited me out for the weekend. I figured we'd have dinner and go somewhere to dance.

Instead he made dinner for me (it wasn't very good) and said he wasn't really interested in going out dancing as he'd been in workshops all day (not ones that I attended). So instead he went through a few dance moves and then kissed me. Well, talked about my lips alot and then kissed me.

This guy is too old for me. Not in the age number sense, but in the divorced with a teenage daughter sense. And while I knew he liked me I never really expected him to try anything so I figured I was safe in being nice to him. And I figured if got anywhere near official dating territory that I'd give the whole I'm really flattered but I feel too young for you or some other equally phony excuse.

Well so much for that plan. Because then we're making out on the couch. All is fine. He's not a great kisser, but passable and then he starts going for the nipples. I do not understand what it is about me that when I'm making out with a guy for the first time that he thinks okay, it's time to go for it. Seriously - shouldn't that be second or third date territory? The whole time I'm thinking "why me?" and "I really shouldn't be doing this." The next thing I know shirts are off and he's carrying me to his bedroom.

I wish I could blame the two glasses of wine and the shot of tequila for my very bad judgement. But the truth is I've been through a dry spell since the X left town and J seems to be done with me and I let my body take over.

I have this problem with saying what I feel and mean when I mean and feel it. I did that to K. As soon as I was sure I wasn't interested in dating him. That was bad enough and he still gives me the "I miss you" treatment and sad puppy dog eyes when I run into him. Now here is this guy (M) I am not interested in a relationship with him but I ended up sleeping with him on the second pseudo date. It wasn't even that great. But to be fair I can't imagine any first time being as good as the first time with J. And maybe that has a lot to do with it too.

I had a bad dance team practice and I have gotten a left over dress to wear after all the other girls (some of the ones that joined after I did) chose theirs. It is not what I would have picked, and it is not as flattering as the one I had been wearing, but the Alpha Girl (friend of BMG and she's been on the team longest) decided she wanted that one. I find the whole thing completely unfair. I work on the nights that they have practice and because I wasn't there last week I get stuck with the dress no one else wants. I can't even tell why my dress was given to AG. She already had a smokin' hot dress to wear. The one I'm stuck with shows off the top of my thighs which I hate and gives me no waist because it's a box. It has an ugly neckline and I'll have to wear my hair up to give me some semblince of a neck at all.

Coming from that practice and feeling like crap about it, and comparing M to J while we're making out. I think led to very bad decision making. And now I'm stuck back peddling (yet again) to figure out how to not end up this guy's girlfriend.