I've been really good with caffeine. I've not had any in days. Sugar - not so much.
I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.
I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?
I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.
That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.
Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.
I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.
The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.
I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
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2 comments:
Your post reminded me so much of what I was like when I was young that it was almost scary. Brought me straight back. I was very thin but always saw flaws. People used to speculate that I was anorexic. I knew baecause sometimes someone would inadvertently blurt it out. I wore little girls sizes because I'm not that tall. I would go several days without eating and then I would pig out. I fooled myself into thinking that I was eating enough becuase of those days. I often became hypoglycemic and would get really cranky. I would get really mad if someone told me that I was too skinny. I took everything as an insult. For instance, if someone tried to encourage me to gain weight by saying that men like women who have a little weight, I would get offended because I felt that they were trying to tell me that I wasn't attractive the way I was. Well, I could go on and on but lets suffice it to say that I really had some issues.
What changed it? Interestingly, medication. They diagnosed me as having a mood disorder and when I started taking the medication these thoughts went away for the most part. Of course, I'm not trying to say that you need medication, I don't know you.
I suppose age has straightened me out somewhat to because one thing that I have learned is that, life is too short. I'm sure you've read all the magazine articles where they try to reassure you that looks don't matter as much as we think and that the real thing someone finds attractive about you is your personality. Those articles, though I understood them intellecutally, really did nothing to asuage the demon inside of me that wouldn't let go.
I was very surprised when I finally did gain weight to see that I filled out nicely. I always thought that if I gained weight that it would be flab and that I would look awful. Women fill out just like men do as they get older, gaining weight does not necessarily make you fat like you think it may. And personally, I think it looks nice too.
I went to Mexico about 8 years ago and the women who were not thin were so comfortable with their bodies. Over here, once a woman, especially a white woman, starts to gain weight, they don the uniform; dull shapeless clothes that hide their bodies. Over here we act like the only people who have any business trying to be sexy are thin women and that if you are not thin and you try to be sexy that it is just a big joke. Well, they don't feel that way about it over there. The women who are 'stacked' are very proud of it and I think that they look sexy. What I'm trying to say is that it isn't really so narrow as Americans try to make it.
Anyway, try to have more fun (if indeed you are not.) I really regret the time I wasted worrying about all of this. I saw you on Cruel Virgin, I wanted to comment before but I don't sign in to my blog at work and your blog does not take anonymous comments.
Behind Blue Eyes -
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I appreciate that you've been where I am and can relate. I really am trying to work on a better image of myself. My dance teacher does say that it's all in your own perception. If I feel like I look good other people will see that too.
It's funny that you mention Mexico. Because I'm half Mexican and I defintely got my mom's body type - pear shaped. The upside, is that it's the healthy place to carry fat.
Anyway - there is a ton more I could say and you've made me think about why I feel this way - so I'll make a blog post about it when I've got some free time.
Thanks again for stopping by.
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