Very little cleaning went on. So much for clean and airy and bright. No cover letter writing went on.
I've realized that unfortunately I've developed a depression ridden apathy. Granted I want to be anywhere but here right now. But I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. I've gotten to the point where I just don't give a shit about much of anything.
On Friday I worked, had a chat with my old boss afterward. I realized in that chat that I could never go back and work there. This freelance business is alright. I can use the extra cash, but god help me if I had to spend 40 hours there again. Some of the perks would be nice. For instance I my rec center membership. I won't have it this summer. Better hours. 8 to 4 M-F. Right where I live. On the other hand I knew those things before I left. The real reason I couldn't go back is that I would never be treated like a professional. Sure, I'm over worked here and they give me work to do that I've never done before without giving me some direction on how it's supposed to get done. But at least they have that confidence in me that I'm a professional. I worked at my last place all through grad school. So to them I'll always be the baby that needs a helping hand. I'd prefer to find a place somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Where a boss has confidence in me but also gives me some direction and never calls me a baby anything.
Then I worked out. It sucked. I was very lazy and unmotivated. Then I went home and watched DVDs. Watching DVDs was about the only goal I did manage to accomplish this weekend.
On Saturday I went to brunch at a friends house where I managed to feel akward, sullen and anti-social. I would have thought that 3 mimosas would have helped, but no. Part of the reason is that as I was driving to my friend's house I realized he lives in the same part of the city as J has said he lives. We walked to a grocery store down the block and I'm greeted to salsa music playing and get a "have a nice weekend" from a chasheir who could be BMG's prettier sister. Thanks, I needed that. After brunch everyone just sat outside and feeling as anti-social as I did I called it quits after a littl while and went home. I did manage to work out and once again it sucked, went home and watched DVDs.
On Sunday I needed a good workout so I went first thing in the morning. It was better at least, but not as good as earlier in the week. I'm not feeling the burn today which means I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I got home around noon and tried to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I needed a distraction from the fact that it was dance night and I wasn't going even though I was free. I actually thought I was going to go to the opera. Turandot was playing near by but I couldn't get their online ticket system to work. It either wouldn't log me in or denied my credit card which made no sense when I've got $1000 left on it and was trying to by a $50 ticket. Let me do the math??? yeah, that should work. I got fed up and then didn't feel like getting dressed up to go. Even though my original thougth pattern was maybe I'll meet some nice classy guy at the opera. Instead I figured I'd go to a movie.
I ended up calling the X to see if he wanted to go see a scary movie with me. Horror movies are the only kind that I actually mind going to by myself. I actually like to go to weekday matinees alone. It's like having a private screening.
He said that he would. We went. The movie was okay. He wouldn't let me buy the tickets and when I offered to buy the snacks he didn't want any. We went to dinner and he wouldn't let me buy that either. Despite the fact that I invited him and when we went out last week he also paid for dinner. We had a little fight over the bill and the waitress laughed at me. Why is it that waiters and waitresses always come down on the side of the man picking up the check? I swear it's the third or fourth time it's happened where they always say, oh just let him get it, or tell me that I'm not allowed to pay. These aren't all women either.
It turns out that I am a weak, weak individual.
I went back to his place. We played a video game for a bit and then the hockey playoffs. Sometime in the second period we started making out. It was obvious that is what the X was waiting for. It was obvious from the last time we went out too, even though we didn't then, that he was expecting it. I don't really blame him. This happened last year around my birthday too. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. He's moving in less than 3 months. I have no intention of dating him seriously, but there we were kissing, cuddling, having sex and cuddling on his couch.
Oy.
I got an email from the XX this weekend too. He had sent me a birthday card and his email was obsensibly to find out if I had gotten it. I don't like to think badly of him. I know I broke his heart. But the man is such a drama queen. Its instances like these that I know I did the right thing in saying no to him.
He tells me he feels "persona non grata" because he hasn't heard from me.
Sorry, dude, not falling for the guilt trip. It's been 4 months. We spent a weekend and one week together. It is not my fault you pined for 5 years and I didn't. You broke up with me remember?
I did say that I would write him a letter and then never did. But what was I going to say in it. I've grown up and you haven't. (Well of course, 'cuz I was 20 and he was 30 he was grown and I wasn't.) Now I find that I don't want to be with you. I was into somebody else at the time you came over. (I can't say that either.)
I was tempted to guilt him right back. Talk about how hard writing him has been and about how work among other things has made me really depressed. But I didn't. I just said yes I got it, it's on my fridge. How was his birthday? Mine was boring.
This is why I ignore J. I do not want him thinking of me the way I am of the XX right now. Much better that he not think of me at all than sigh and marvel at my pathetic-ness. Which is what I am doing in regard to the XX rignt now.
I want him to make up his mind. Does he want to be my friend or does he not. He left not wanting to have anything to do with me and now he's sending me cards and emails.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Goals for this weekend
I was supposed to work this morning with my old boss on a project we started together a year or more before. I was out late last night and had to be up earlier than I would have liked, but it's work, a little extra cash, so I dragged my butt out of bed and went to meet him. Half an hour later I get an email - canceled. Ooookay. Now what?
The whole time I was waiting I kept thinking that I could have been working out or sleeping in. Mostly I wanted to be working out, but knew in my heart of hearts that if I didn't have this meeting I would have slept in. By the time I got the email it was too late to go to the gym there was no way to work out and shower and get ready (both of which I had already done that morning) to be on time at my full-time gig. So I just walked home looked around and said - right lets get to work.
I did my dishes! The sink is no longer overflowing and stinky. Yay!
Then I put together part of a lunch, and even brought in a snack to share (Thursday night is treat night at work). The I stopped at Trader Joes to get a few things to round out my lunch - some trail mix to go on my salad; chocolate soy milk, I love those single serve boxes, and salsa to go with my tortilla wrap. I had wanted to also stop at a bagel place for breakfast, but ran out of time. I did have an apple though.
I feel so productive. If only that feeling could stay with me at work (which it hasn't). My first email was "I've scheduled you for X meeting, arrange your schedule to make it." The only reason it works is because something else that normally meets on that day was canceled. Otherwise I would have had to email my boss and say, "sorry, but if you had asked I could have told you that I already have Y (at your request) scheduled for that day." But no, it works out, so she'll continue to go ahead and do this shit to me without asking.
If I can get through tonight, I've got the weekend to be productive at home and work on my coverletters.
My weekend is going to look like this:
Friday - Work Out. Work on project with old boss. Clean bathroom. Go out.
Saturday - Work Out. Clean living room. Go shopping. Work on cover letters. Watch DVDs.
Sunday - Work Out. Clean bedroom. Work on cover letters. Watch DVDs.
I want my apartment to be neat and clean and airy and bright on Monday. That is my goal. I also want a workable template cover letter than I can customize for the jobs I want to apply for next week.
The whole time I was waiting I kept thinking that I could have been working out or sleeping in. Mostly I wanted to be working out, but knew in my heart of hearts that if I didn't have this meeting I would have slept in. By the time I got the email it was too late to go to the gym there was no way to work out and shower and get ready (both of which I had already done that morning) to be on time at my full-time gig. So I just walked home looked around and said - right lets get to work.
I did my dishes! The sink is no longer overflowing and stinky. Yay!
Then I put together part of a lunch, and even brought in a snack to share (Thursday night is treat night at work). The I stopped at Trader Joes to get a few things to round out my lunch - some trail mix to go on my salad; chocolate soy milk, I love those single serve boxes, and salsa to go with my tortilla wrap. I had wanted to also stop at a bagel place for breakfast, but ran out of time. I did have an apple though.
I feel so productive. If only that feeling could stay with me at work (which it hasn't). My first email was "I've scheduled you for X meeting, arrange your schedule to make it." The only reason it works is because something else that normally meets on that day was canceled. Otherwise I would have had to email my boss and say, "sorry, but if you had asked I could have told you that I already have Y (at your request) scheduled for that day." But no, it works out, so she'll continue to go ahead and do this shit to me without asking.
If I can get through tonight, I've got the weekend to be productive at home and work on my coverletters.
My weekend is going to look like this:
Friday - Work Out. Work on project with old boss. Clean bathroom. Go out.
Saturday - Work Out. Clean living room. Go shopping. Work on cover letters. Watch DVDs.
Sunday - Work Out. Clean bedroom. Work on cover letters. Watch DVDs.
I want my apartment to be neat and clean and airy and bright on Monday. That is my goal. I also want a workable template cover letter than I can customize for the jobs I want to apply for next week.
Step Backwards
I was doing so well and then I made a mistake and now I've had a setback.
I had to d do some work at the library last night...my freelance project that requires me to use MS Publisher (erlck) which is only available on the PCs at the library. Now, I could have left my apartment and walked to the library in a way that would not have taken me past the gym. But it's my normal route. And I can look up and check out the big studio.
Big mistake. Huge mistake on my part. Because I'm walking by, knowing full well that J has his class going on. I glance up and guess who the fuck is there?
I don't know why I was suprised or why I got so upset. He did the same with Pink Sweat Suit Girl. She'd show up before class was over and dance and then he'd stay after. So why should BMG be any different? It's just so obvious that he doesn't even bother to change his methods from girl to girl because that's how I got suckered in too.
Then today video's of the March classes and dance go online. Great now I get to see a side by side comparison - fantastic. Since the last time I checked the site some one had labled the one and only picture of BMG from that month - now I know her name. Damn. It's easier to be spitefull just calling her BMG.
I am trying to look on the positive side which is hard because I thought I was getting better. I was actually feeling pretty good. I saw his car in the parking lot on my way out and for once I didn't feel like keying it or kicking the tires, I thought that I might even be able to hold it together when running into him. Then all of a sudden the heart pounding panic, the inability to breathe properly, the hot stinging sension in my eyes, the beat red blush of humiliation, all came flooding back. Even now, even though I'm at work I can feel the tears trying to get out.
The positive side is that yes, I was feeling better and now I've been faced with a set back, but pretty soon I'll be even stronger than before. And each time I get slapped in the face by this, yeah, it'll knock me back a little, but each and everytime I'll be in a better place than before until eventually I won't have setbacks and I'll just be fine.
Just seeing that from so far away was horrible, I think I made an excellent decision about my birthday and about not going to this weekend's dance. I just need time.
I had to d do some work at the library last night...my freelance project that requires me to use MS Publisher (erlck) which is only available on the PCs at the library. Now, I could have left my apartment and walked to the library in a way that would not have taken me past the gym. But it's my normal route. And I can look up and check out the big studio.
Big mistake. Huge mistake on my part. Because I'm walking by, knowing full well that J has his class going on. I glance up and guess who the fuck is there?
I don't know why I was suprised or why I got so upset. He did the same with Pink Sweat Suit Girl. She'd show up before class was over and dance and then he'd stay after. So why should BMG be any different? It's just so obvious that he doesn't even bother to change his methods from girl to girl because that's how I got suckered in too.
Then today video's of the March classes and dance go online. Great now I get to see a side by side comparison - fantastic. Since the last time I checked the site some one had labled the one and only picture of BMG from that month - now I know her name. Damn. It's easier to be spitefull just calling her BMG.
I am trying to look on the positive side which is hard because I thought I was getting better. I was actually feeling pretty good. I saw his car in the parking lot on my way out and for once I didn't feel like keying it or kicking the tires, I thought that I might even be able to hold it together when running into him. Then all of a sudden the heart pounding panic, the inability to breathe properly, the hot stinging sension in my eyes, the beat red blush of humiliation, all came flooding back. Even now, even though I'm at work I can feel the tears trying to get out.
The positive side is that yes, I was feeling better and now I've been faced with a set back, but pretty soon I'll be even stronger than before. And each time I get slapped in the face by this, yeah, it'll knock me back a little, but each and everytime I'll be in a better place than before until eventually I won't have setbacks and I'll just be fine.
Just seeing that from so far away was horrible, I think I made an excellent decision about my birthday and about not going to this weekend's dance. I just need time.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Overwhelming
I get so overwhelmed at work and in life that I'm frozen. I literally have so much to do and I just don't do it.
I was dreaming before my alarm went off today that I called in sick to work. When the alarm did go off, my first thought was, it's okay, I called in sick. Then reality hit me. I had to get up and come in.
I waste each and every work day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I have accomplished exactly one thing that is related to my job today. Other than that I have been reading blogs, blogging, checking my email and looking for other jobs. I found books on how to write coverletters.
There are currently four job openings that I'd like to send my resume in for. However, my coverletter sucks ass. It was good enough to get this job, but this job is dull and horrible. I'm done with dull and horrible. Also these jobs would constitute a "career change" and I'm applying for things that I'm a tad over-qualified for. These jobs don't require the master degree that I've got. Just 4 years Bachelor or equivalent. So the trick is explaining why I'm changing and willing to start at the bottom. It's hard to do without complaining about my current situation.
Objectively speaking this job isn't horrible. There are certainly worse out there. But when ever my co-workers and I go out we bitch and moan about the place. The bottom line is that I'm not enjoying what I do here. There are random sparks of light and the rest is doom and gloom.
My apartment looks like I've been ransacked. Seriously depression makes me one messy girl. The kitchen is starting to smell. I think it's because the dishes have been there for two or three weeks. But I can't muster the energy to do anything about it. I get home I watch tv or a dvd. Some times I just come in and go straight to bed. My drying rack is full of clothes I took out of the dryer at least two weeks ago, probably 3. The floor has a single path from door to closet. The only thing that gets cleaned on a regular basis is the litter box. My bathtub looks like somebody washed their dog in it and I don't think I've eaten at my kitchen table in two months because it's got stuff all over it. When I do have energy for something I usually use it to go the gym.
One of my freelance deadlines is on Friday and I had forgotten all about it. I work all day tomorrow. Guess who's not sleeping tonight? Actually I kind of like that idea maybe I can clean too. Some times I think its a good way to reset. If only the long night time weren't so dark and lonely.
I was dreaming before my alarm went off today that I called in sick to work. When the alarm did go off, my first thought was, it's okay, I called in sick. Then reality hit me. I had to get up and come in.
I waste each and every work day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I have accomplished exactly one thing that is related to my job today. Other than that I have been reading blogs, blogging, checking my email and looking for other jobs. I found books on how to write coverletters.
There are currently four job openings that I'd like to send my resume in for. However, my coverletter sucks ass. It was good enough to get this job, but this job is dull and horrible. I'm done with dull and horrible. Also these jobs would constitute a "career change" and I'm applying for things that I'm a tad over-qualified for. These jobs don't require the master degree that I've got. Just 4 years Bachelor or equivalent. So the trick is explaining why I'm changing and willing to start at the bottom. It's hard to do without complaining about my current situation.
Objectively speaking this job isn't horrible. There are certainly worse out there. But when ever my co-workers and I go out we bitch and moan about the place. The bottom line is that I'm not enjoying what I do here. There are random sparks of light and the rest is doom and gloom.
My apartment looks like I've been ransacked. Seriously depression makes me one messy girl. The kitchen is starting to smell. I think it's because the dishes have been there for two or three weeks. But I can't muster the energy to do anything about it. I get home I watch tv or a dvd. Some times I just come in and go straight to bed. My drying rack is full of clothes I took out of the dryer at least two weeks ago, probably 3. The floor has a single path from door to closet. The only thing that gets cleaned on a regular basis is the litter box. My bathtub looks like somebody washed their dog in it and I don't think I've eaten at my kitchen table in two months because it's got stuff all over it. When I do have energy for something I usually use it to go the gym.
One of my freelance deadlines is on Friday and I had forgotten all about it. I work all day tomorrow. Guess who's not sleeping tonight? Actually I kind of like that idea maybe I can clean too. Some times I think its a good way to reset. If only the long night time weren't so dark and lonely.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Not very Manic Monday
Last night I asked the X to a movie. We ended up having dinner too. But I was whatever the female equivalent of being a gentleman is and I left him at his door. I'm not trying to make him think something is going to happen with us. I just like his company. We get to talk about things and not about me. Not about how sad I am or about J. We talked about global warming, the movie Children of Men, and how the Mayan calendar which has been eerily correct about things predicts a "change" to the world (not and end) in December of 2012 (the year on Clive Owen's sweatshirt through out much of the movie CoM). We touched on the tradedy of the day (some people are putting videos on-line taken with thier camera phones of the shooter), but it would have caused tears from both of us - two of my brothers have been in close proximity to public shootings in the last two months.
The X and I were driving to dinner. He was playing some hilarious songs by this guy
Jonathan Coulton. I was having a good time and J popped into my head. It was this weird moment where I thought, "Yeah, I'm totally fine." I started thinking of him like I used to but without the desperation of needing him. I considered actually going to this dance in a week. I thought of how normal I could be when I finally do run into him.
That passed. Not to say that I'm back in my sobbing my eyes out mode. I'm not. But I'm getting better. I just didn't realize that I'd be in the process of moving on so quickly. I don't know why I'm so suprised. We didn't know each other that well really.
I had a great workout this morning. I broke my running (jogging) record. I made it for 25 minutes, my previous best being a 20 minute jog. I thought about J because this is the last week of classes at the gym until early May. After that I won't have to be in hyper-avoidance mode. I am still skipping this month's dance. I skipped class last night too. That's why I invited the X to a movie (yeah I called him) so that I could skip it and not be at home thinking about how I skipped it. I am taking the rest of April off from dancing. In May I'm going to go back to taking ballet. Maybe in May I'll decide to go back to the studio and the dances too.
The X and I were driving to dinner. He was playing some hilarious songs by this guy
Jonathan Coulton. I was having a good time and J popped into my head. It was this weird moment where I thought, "Yeah, I'm totally fine." I started thinking of him like I used to but without the desperation of needing him. I considered actually going to this dance in a week. I thought of how normal I could be when I finally do run into him.
That passed. Not to say that I'm back in my sobbing my eyes out mode. I'm not. But I'm getting better. I just didn't realize that I'd be in the process of moving on so quickly. I don't know why I'm so suprised. We didn't know each other that well really.
I had a great workout this morning. I broke my running (jogging) record. I made it for 25 minutes, my previous best being a 20 minute jog. I thought about J because this is the last week of classes at the gym until early May. After that I won't have to be in hyper-avoidance mode. I am still skipping this month's dance. I skipped class last night too. That's why I invited the X to a movie (yeah I called him) so that I could skip it and not be at home thinking about how I skipped it. I am taking the rest of April off from dancing. In May I'm going to go back to taking ballet. Maybe in May I'll decide to go back to the studio and the dances too.
Monday, April 16, 2007
New All Time Low and Why I Need a New Job
I'm doing my nails at work.
No, I'm not on my lunch break.
God I hate it here.
What's funny about yesterday is that today I have been hand-holding the "experience" one all day. All I've been saying is: now click here, do this, that's because you didn't, now you do this. It isn't that this person is brand new either. She just winters in a warmer climate and hasn't been here in six months.
I laugh. I wish that guy could have been here today.
No, I'm not on my lunch break.
God I hate it here.
To be fair I am only touching up the white tips.
Those gorgeous digits are the result of my birthday present to myself (using the moola I got from my dad) - a manicure and pedicure. I'd show my toes, they're beautiful too, but I'm taking off my shoes at my desk.
What's funny about yesterday is that today I have been hand-holding the "experience" one all day. All I've been saying is: now click here, do this, that's because you didn't, now you do this. It isn't that this person is brand new either. She just winters in a warmer climate and hasn't been here in six months.
I laugh. I wish that guy could have been here today.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Why I hate people and need a new job
50% of my work week is spent at a customer service desk. Unless it's my weekend rotation in that case my entire Saturday and Sunday is spent on the desk.
Today a guy walks over and sees me an a co-worker. Neither of us is busy, but I am a little closer to where he is than she is. He looks at both of us and walks away from me toward her. I just shrug and go back to my reading. When he gets over to my co-worker he says to her "I'll take experience over youth" and then asks her his question.
Now I know I shouldn't give a shit about a random age-discraminatory dude, but I wanted to yell - how about taking the person who got her degree sooner and is therefore more update you jackass.
Today a guy walks over and sees me an a co-worker. Neither of us is busy, but I am a little closer to where he is than she is. He looks at both of us and walks away from me toward her. I just shrug and go back to my reading. When he gets over to my co-worker he says to her "I'll take experience over youth" and then asks her his question.
Now I know I shouldn't give a shit about a random age-discraminatory dude, but I wanted to yell - how about taking the person who got her degree sooner and is therefore more update you jackass.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Never as Bad as it Seems or as Good as I Expect
My birthday was fine. Friends of mine came out with me to dinner at a brewery and we had a few drinks, ate a bit of food, had some more drinks and called it a night.
Not the flashiest of celebrations not a big blow-out, and not dinner and dancing, but nice to hang out with friends.
Apparently my absences at the other place wasn't a big deal because I didn't hear from J at all. I suppose that's a good thing. I don't need a relapse (even if I did shave my legs). The X came out as well, he was being fairly flirty-flirty with me. He asked me what I did for my birthday last year (pretty much the same thing) and it wasn't until a couple minutes later that I realized I ended up going over to his place after my birthday party last year. That was what started a short lived X-sex fling, I ended it, started up with J, and then the X said he wanted to get back together.
I am sure that I could have gotten a little from the X last night as well, but I restrained myself. Not because I don't to get a little, because I do. I wouldn't have shaved my legs when I wore pants if I didn't think there was some kind of possibility. I just thought better of it later.
It occurs to me that the reason I'm upset about J is not because I thought we'd make a good go of dating or a relationship, although that would have been nice. It's that I was so very passionate about him. Passionate for him. It is hard to be passionate about someone, even physically, and still know that they're only luke-warm about you at best. There were a few times when he had me fooled. That doesn't help me feel better about myself at all, that I am a fool for falling for it. It just sucks to know that me not being there means as nothing to him as me being there does.
Not the flashiest of celebrations not a big blow-out, and not dinner and dancing, but nice to hang out with friends.
Apparently my absences at the other place wasn't a big deal because I didn't hear from J at all. I suppose that's a good thing. I don't need a relapse (even if I did shave my legs). The X came out as well, he was being fairly flirty-flirty with me. He asked me what I did for my birthday last year (pretty much the same thing) and it wasn't until a couple minutes later that I realized I ended up going over to his place after my birthday party last year. That was what started a short lived X-sex fling, I ended it, started up with J, and then the X said he wanted to get back together.
I am sure that I could have gotten a little from the X last night as well, but I restrained myself. Not because I don't to get a little, because I do. I wouldn't have shaved my legs when I wore pants if I didn't think there was some kind of possibility. I just thought better of it later.
It occurs to me that the reason I'm upset about J is not because I thought we'd make a good go of dating or a relationship, although that would have been nice. It's that I was so very passionate about him. Passionate for him. It is hard to be passionate about someone, even physically, and still know that they're only luke-warm about you at best. There were a few times when he had me fooled. That doesn't help me feel better about myself at all, that I am a fool for falling for it. It just sucks to know that me not being there means as nothing to him as me being there does.
Friday, April 13, 2007
oops maybe I should have said something
CF left me a voicemail this afternoon while I was shopping (yay! for having the day off).
He says he's making plans to celebrate my birthday and to call him back to talk about it.
huh? I remember saying I'd keep him posted about plans for Friday, but to up and say that he made plans for us. That doesn't make sense to me.
Sigh... and I was having such a good day.
He says he's making plans to celebrate my birthday and to call him back to talk about it.
huh? I remember saying I'd keep him posted about plans for Friday, but to up and say that he made plans for us. That doesn't make sense to me.
Sigh... and I was having such a good day.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Employers Piss Me Off
Aparently it is mandatory that I recieve life insurance from my employer. Mandatory that they take money out of each pay check on the off chance that I kick the bucket or get hit by a bus. So that that money can be given to somebody else.
Huh?
Seriously, if I thought I was worth anything wouldn't I have insured myself? If there was someone in my life who's grief would eased by getting a decent sized chunk of change that I earned during my career, don't you think I'd have set that up for them already?
I understand parents wanting their kids to be taken care of financially getting life insurance, but please, I'm a youngest child who's syblings all have careers. I have no kids and my parents can take care of themselves. Maybe I'm being influenced here. My mother would never take life insurance out her children. She didn't want to have a child die and then be given money for it.
Frankly I see the whole thing as yet another way that single people with no families are discriminated against. I'm not married, I've got no kids to take care of, but still a part of my paycheck every week has to go to plan that would benefit them if I died one day.
It is fucking ridiculous and I'm seriously pissed off about it.
Huh?
Seriously, if I thought I was worth anything wouldn't I have insured myself? If there was someone in my life who's grief would eased by getting a decent sized chunk of change that I earned during my career, don't you think I'd have set that up for them already?
I understand parents wanting their kids to be taken care of financially getting life insurance, but please, I'm a youngest child who's syblings all have careers. I have no kids and my parents can take care of themselves. Maybe I'm being influenced here. My mother would never take life insurance out her children. She didn't want to have a child die and then be given money for it.
Frankly I see the whole thing as yet another way that single people with no families are discriminated against. I'm not married, I've got no kids to take care of, but still a part of my paycheck every week has to go to plan that would benefit them if I died one day.
It is fucking ridiculous and I'm seriously pissed off about it.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
DeMotivation
Dysfunction: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
1)RB - the theater class guy I had a crush on my freshman year but I was too shy to talk to. At the end of the semester when we were in a group together he looked me in the eye (he had beautiful blue eyes) and said "what was your name again, I don't remember."
2)Funny Funny Co-worker - would routinely flirt with me which at the time I did not know what to do with (I was a very late bloomer) and even asked me to marry him. After he finally did get engaged (to somebody else!) he walked me home from a party and asked me why I had never gone out with him (huh?). Because I thought you were joking the whole time, you were the funny funny co-worker!
3)AP - a revisit of RB only later in my college career. Too shy to talk to him, but that didn't stop a friend of mine from inviting him to a party with the promise that "my American friend really really fancies you." Grrrreat. Too bad I was insanely drunk at the time, and couldn't string to words together to speak to him. He left after a few minutes and I ran the bathroom spewing white wine and bailey's. It was humiliations galore in town after that incident (it was a really small campus). Try going to the pub where everyone is looking at you and telling the friend next to them "Isn't that the girl who likes AP and threw up on him at a party?" It was not on him folks! it was after!!!!!!
4)The XX - probably the only person not privy to the AP gossip. I think he didn't get told until months later when we started going out. Our first three dates consisted of the XX mentioning what a great guy AP was. The XX broke up with 3 times over the course of 2 years. Ostensibly because I was a) too young for him and b) he didn't want to marry me. Enter the XX 5 years later telling me I'm the only he can ever imagine living his life with and thought of bringing a ring for christmas. I got a birthday card from him yesterday. I thought for sure after the major rejection I dealt him at christmas that he'd never want to speak to me again. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice - but no relationsip is better than a bad relationship.
5)The Jackass - It took awhile to get over the XX. Finally my friend introduced me to her coworker. He was super cute and an artist. I thought we were dating. For months we'd go to movies, go out to eat, get coffee, I'd go to his art shows. When I invited him out and he couldn't go because he'd be with his girlfriend. Apparently we weren't dating.
6)The X - inter office dating. The X was always afraid he'd get fired for dating me. It meant we couldn't hold hands on campus or let anyone other than a select few know we were going out. He was obsessed with video games and OMMPRPGs. To the point where I would get yelled at for bringing him food during very important quests and raiding parties. He took the games more seriously than almost anything else. I started taking over his bathroom pretty soon after we slept together and he called me his girlfriend. After a few weeks I stopped asking if I could come over and just showed up everyday after work or school. It was preferable to going home to my mother's house. In the end I'm pretty sure I smothered him and he used his games to get away from me. Sad to say broke up with me, although I was tempted to do it. The kicker is that he did it over the phone. I guess really that's a step up since he asked me out over email. That's what I get for dating a tech-geek.
7)The Man - just some flirtation with a guy that the X works with. He didn't even ask me out via email - he MySpace messaged me. That should have been the first clue, his lack of follow through should have been the second clue. Our one and only date was a total let down. It was a shame because he was pretty hot. Having seen him recently though, he's gotten chubby - not so hot. The fact that he was hung up on a total ho-bag who wouldn't dump her boyfriend but let the Man take her on vacation and buy her expensive things was another total turn off.
8)J - Humiliation: The harder you try the dumber you look. I wish he wasn't so damn hot. Seriiously I think I could get over him if I could stop going to sleep, waking up and at other odd times during the day getting entirely too turned on by thinking about him.
9)CF; Class Friend (technically not a relationship)- As a friend it was nice to talk to him and dance with him at the social parties. But now the boy isn't taking no for an answer. Now he wants to take me out on Friday. I'd tell him that I'm already doing something for my birthday but then I'd have to invite him, because I'm just way too nice. He called me at 10:30pm on Monday to "chat" even after I had already told him that I was going to bed earlier which is why I wasn't going to go to a dance with him in a town that is an hour from where I live. Yes, I work. Yes, I work early in the morning. Making a quip about "lucky you, you have a job" as if it's not a reason to stay in on a Monday night does not indear me to you. Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. But what's the point of dating if it's the result of me lowering my standards?
The XX, the X, and J all showed up with in my life a few months after being rejected, humiliated, or dumped. So maybe the rebound is right around the corner.
Then again
Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
1)RB - the theater class guy I had a crush on my freshman year but I was too shy to talk to. At the end of the semester when we were in a group together he looked me in the eye (he had beautiful blue eyes) and said "what was your name again, I don't remember."
2)Funny Funny Co-worker - would routinely flirt with me which at the time I did not know what to do with (I was a very late bloomer) and even asked me to marry him. After he finally did get engaged (to somebody else!) he walked me home from a party and asked me why I had never gone out with him (huh?). Because I thought you were joking the whole time, you were the funny funny co-worker!
3)AP - a revisit of RB only later in my college career. Too shy to talk to him, but that didn't stop a friend of mine from inviting him to a party with the promise that "my American friend really really fancies you." Grrrreat. Too bad I was insanely drunk at the time, and couldn't string to words together to speak to him. He left after a few minutes and I ran the bathroom spewing white wine and bailey's. It was humiliations galore in town after that incident (it was a really small campus). Try going to the pub where everyone is looking at you and telling the friend next to them "Isn't that the girl who likes AP and threw up on him at a party?" It was not on him folks! it was after!!!!!!
4)The XX - probably the only person not privy to the AP gossip. I think he didn't get told until months later when we started going out. Our first three dates consisted of the XX mentioning what a great guy AP was. The XX broke up with 3 times over the course of 2 years. Ostensibly because I was a) too young for him and b) he didn't want to marry me. Enter the XX 5 years later telling me I'm the only he can ever imagine living his life with and thought of bringing a ring for christmas. I got a birthday card from him yesterday. I thought for sure after the major rejection I dealt him at christmas that he'd never want to speak to me again. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice - but no relationsip is better than a bad relationship.
5)The Jackass - It took awhile to get over the XX. Finally my friend introduced me to her coworker. He was super cute and an artist. I thought we were dating. For months we'd go to movies, go out to eat, get coffee, I'd go to his art shows. When I invited him out and he couldn't go because he'd be with his girlfriend. Apparently we weren't dating.
6)The X - inter office dating. The X was always afraid he'd get fired for dating me. It meant we couldn't hold hands on campus or let anyone other than a select few know we were going out. He was obsessed with video games and OMMPRPGs. To the point where I would get yelled at for bringing him food during very important quests and raiding parties. He took the games more seriously than almost anything else. I started taking over his bathroom pretty soon after we slept together and he called me his girlfriend. After a few weeks I stopped asking if I could come over and just showed up everyday after work or school. It was preferable to going home to my mother's house. In the end I'm pretty sure I smothered him and he used his games to get away from me. Sad to say broke up with me, although I was tempted to do it. The kicker is that he did it over the phone. I guess really that's a step up since he asked me out over email. That's what I get for dating a tech-geek.
7)The Man - just some flirtation with a guy that the X works with. He didn't even ask me out via email - he MySpace messaged me. That should have been the first clue, his lack of follow through should have been the second clue. Our one and only date was a total let down. It was a shame because he was pretty hot. Having seen him recently though, he's gotten chubby - not so hot. The fact that he was hung up on a total ho-bag who wouldn't dump her boyfriend but let the Man take her on vacation and buy her expensive things was another total turn off.
8)J - Humiliation: The harder you try the dumber you look. I wish he wasn't so damn hot. Seriiously I think I could get over him if I could stop going to sleep, waking up and at other odd times during the day getting entirely too turned on by thinking about him.
9)CF; Class Friend (technically not a relationship)- As a friend it was nice to talk to him and dance with him at the social parties. But now the boy isn't taking no for an answer. Now he wants to take me out on Friday. I'd tell him that I'm already doing something for my birthday but then I'd have to invite him, because I'm just way too nice. He called me at 10:30pm on Monday to "chat" even after I had already told him that I was going to bed earlier which is why I wasn't going to go to a dance with him in a town that is an hour from where I live. Yes, I work. Yes, I work early in the morning. Making a quip about "lucky you, you have a job" as if it's not a reason to stay in on a Monday night does not indear me to you. Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. But what's the point of dating if it's the result of me lowering my standards?
The XX, the X, and J all showed up with in my life a few months after being rejected, humiliated, or dumped. So maybe the rebound is right around the corner.
Then again
Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Hell Hath No Fury
I'm obsessed with hating BMG.
I made the mistake of checking out the pictures on-line of the last couple of dances, February and March's. They've got some new ones up and there she is smiling at the camera with a couple of other girls, one of whom I recognize from a different social. That in itself makes me nervous. I don't want BMG showing up to one of the J-free dances I go to.
I just don't get it. Sure she's pretty, but she's also built like a 14-year-old boy.
I feel terrible for wanting it, but I hope J hurts her too. Especially if he's really stupid enough to be fucking her and using her as a dance partner where he works. I know that she hasn't done anything to me. She can't help it if J doesn't want me. Having her gone won't change anything either. It's just that if he does the same to her then it's not me, that there wasn't a sign over my head that said "use me and throw me away."
Sometimes I want to hate J. I know he said that he should have been honest from the beginning, but the truth is I knew what I was doing. I knew what I really wanted and I didn't do anything about it. I settled for what little I could get because I'd never been so attracted to somebody before and it's my own damn fault I let my feelings get as deep as they have. If I had said something during the summer. If I had let it end in the fall.
If I hadn't fucking moved to be more accommodating - because it certainly didn't cut down on my commute. Sure I'm nearer some friends, that's a plus right now. But just being around here depresses me.
I'm actually angry with myself. At least I'm not being crazy stalker girl. I might hate myself, but at least I've got that much dignity.
I am getting a little nervous about Friday. I can't decide whether I want J to notice that I canceled my plans there or not. I keep having stupid fantasies of him calling me that night wondering where I am asking if he can join the party. But in my honest moments I know that he's not going to. He's not wondering where I am. He's not that interested. I am sure he's got plenty of other girls to keep him company.
I had similar fantasies after the Jackass dropped the girlfriend-bomb on me (as in told me he had a girlfriend and it wasn't me - hense the moniker, Jackass). They mostly involved moving to Seattle and years after walking into a coffee shop or something else totally "hipster" recognizing a painting of his and asking the person behind the desk about it. We'd eventually run into each other in said hip-coffee house reconnecting and falling madly in love.
The fantasies about J and I reconnecting tend to run toward the reconnecting and actually dating instead of falling into bed together variety where he's actually sweet and totally and completely into me.
If I could only stop fantasizing about J maybe I could actually get on to the dating of the sweet guy who's totally into me.
I made the mistake of checking out the pictures on-line of the last couple of dances, February and March's. They've got some new ones up and there she is smiling at the camera with a couple of other girls, one of whom I recognize from a different social. That in itself makes me nervous. I don't want BMG showing up to one of the J-free dances I go to.
I just don't get it. Sure she's pretty, but she's also built like a 14-year-old boy.
I feel terrible for wanting it, but I hope J hurts her too. Especially if he's really stupid enough to be fucking her and using her as a dance partner where he works. I know that she hasn't done anything to me. She can't help it if J doesn't want me. Having her gone won't change anything either. It's just that if he does the same to her then it's not me, that there wasn't a sign over my head that said "use me and throw me away."
Sometimes I want to hate J. I know he said that he should have been honest from the beginning, but the truth is I knew what I was doing. I knew what I really wanted and I didn't do anything about it. I settled for what little I could get because I'd never been so attracted to somebody before and it's my own damn fault I let my feelings get as deep as they have. If I had said something during the summer. If I had let it end in the fall.
If I hadn't fucking moved to be more accommodating - because it certainly didn't cut down on my commute. Sure I'm nearer some friends, that's a plus right now. But just being around here depresses me.
I'm actually angry with myself. At least I'm not being crazy stalker girl. I might hate myself, but at least I've got that much dignity.
I am getting a little nervous about Friday. I can't decide whether I want J to notice that I canceled my plans there or not. I keep having stupid fantasies of him calling me that night wondering where I am asking if he can join the party. But in my honest moments I know that he's not going to. He's not wondering where I am. He's not that interested. I am sure he's got plenty of other girls to keep him company.
I had similar fantasies after the Jackass dropped the girlfriend-bomb on me (as in told me he had a girlfriend and it wasn't me - hense the moniker, Jackass). They mostly involved moving to Seattle and years after walking into a coffee shop or something else totally "hipster" recognizing a painting of his and asking the person behind the desk about it. We'd eventually run into each other in said hip-coffee house reconnecting and falling madly in love.
The fantasies about J and I reconnecting tend to run toward the reconnecting and actually dating instead of falling into bed together variety where he's actually sweet and totally and completely into me.
If I could only stop fantasizing about J maybe I could actually get on to the dating of the sweet guy who's totally into me.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Happy Birthday to Me
I am officially older today. And I am officially shaving 5 years off my age. I figure everyone thinks I'm 18 as it is. Now, I'm not willing to un-burden myself of so many years that I can't claim to legally drink. So just 5 years. I figure I start now I'll be an old pro when I'm 40.
I'm skipping yoga tonight and next week (that's when it ends). I feel a little bad about it, but I can't bear the idea of running into J. Just the thought makes me hyperventilate and my heart starts beating like I'm a mouse in a trap (that hasn't been decapitated).
I am fully aware that I'm copping out by doing this. But I don't see the point in putting on a brave face and pretending like I'm okay. I'm not okay. Being seen by him is not going to miraculously change his non-existent feelings for me.
I'm also seriously considering not going to the April dance in 2 weeks. He's been there two months in a row with BMG. I know it's no garentee that he'll be there again (he only went to two with me when we first hooked up), but he seems more invested in her. I'm not going to have a good time if I have to see him there. I certainly don't want to have to talk to him. I really don't want to dance with him. I don't want to be mopey the whole time like the one where he met BMG. There is no such thing as "showing him what he is missing." J already knows what he's missing and still he chose someone else.
Sometimes I really do wish I could move and then I'd never have to worry about running into him.
Oh, and I'm throwing up again. It's been months, at least since Thanksgiving because I hadn't thrown up while I've been living in this apartment. It started at St. Patty's when I got collosally drunk and CF took me to get pancakes and sober up. There I was sobbing in the IHOP ladies room knowing that if I could just sober up I'd feel better. Well, I did, but only after puking the pancakes, my earlier dinner of thai, the sangria and other alcohol. I felt fantastic afterward.
Now it seems like everytime I go out I give myself permission to pig out knowing that I'll go home and get rid of it all. Being overly full with food that I know I shouldn't be eating (chips, fries, pizza) makes me feel aweful, gross, disgusting - and I'm falling into the trap of feeling wonderful once I throw up. It's energizing. Gets me off the couch. I don't feel sluggish afterward.
But I don't want to keep doing this. I know it's a result of feeling so depressed lately. I hate the idea that I'm letting something (anything but especially a guy) get to me this much. To the point where I feel the need to emotionally gorge myself in an effort to make myself feel better, but then feeling crappy 'cuz I just ate a shit-load of junk food, because I'm certainly not filling up on fruits and salads.
But I did eat a whole bowl of strawberries while visiting my mother on Saturday. I think I'm vitamin deprived. Today afterwork the grocery shopping will consist of nothing but produce. I have way more carbs and proteins and sugars at home than I really need. If I can stop now and start back to healthy eating I'll feel better in the long run.
In the mean time I'm still at work, it's gray and gloomy outside and I'd like to crawl back into bed.
Wow, this is turning into a really depressing birthday. I'm going spend the day at work, then grocery shopping and cleaning (or possibly sitting in front of the tv telling myself I should be cleaning), and then falling asleep.
I'm skipping yoga tonight and next week (that's when it ends). I feel a little bad about it, but I can't bear the idea of running into J. Just the thought makes me hyperventilate and my heart starts beating like I'm a mouse in a trap (that hasn't been decapitated).
I am fully aware that I'm copping out by doing this. But I don't see the point in putting on a brave face and pretending like I'm okay. I'm not okay. Being seen by him is not going to miraculously change his non-existent feelings for me.
I'm also seriously considering not going to the April dance in 2 weeks. He's been there two months in a row with BMG. I know it's no garentee that he'll be there again (he only went to two with me when we first hooked up), but he seems more invested in her. I'm not going to have a good time if I have to see him there. I certainly don't want to have to talk to him. I really don't want to dance with him. I don't want to be mopey the whole time like the one where he met BMG. There is no such thing as "showing him what he is missing." J already knows what he's missing and still he chose someone else.
Sometimes I really do wish I could move and then I'd never have to worry about running into him.
Oh, and I'm throwing up again. It's been months, at least since Thanksgiving because I hadn't thrown up while I've been living in this apartment. It started at St. Patty's when I got collosally drunk and CF took me to get pancakes and sober up. There I was sobbing in the IHOP ladies room knowing that if I could just sober up I'd feel better. Well, I did, but only after puking the pancakes, my earlier dinner of thai, the sangria and other alcohol. I felt fantastic afterward.
Now it seems like everytime I go out I give myself permission to pig out knowing that I'll go home and get rid of it all. Being overly full with food that I know I shouldn't be eating (chips, fries, pizza) makes me feel aweful, gross, disgusting - and I'm falling into the trap of feeling wonderful once I throw up. It's energizing. Gets me off the couch. I don't feel sluggish afterward.
But I don't want to keep doing this. I know it's a result of feeling so depressed lately. I hate the idea that I'm letting something (anything but especially a guy) get to me this much. To the point where I feel the need to emotionally gorge myself in an effort to make myself feel better, but then feeling crappy 'cuz I just ate a shit-load of junk food, because I'm certainly not filling up on fruits and salads.
But I did eat a whole bowl of strawberries while visiting my mother on Saturday. I think I'm vitamin deprived. Today afterwork the grocery shopping will consist of nothing but produce. I have way more carbs and proteins and sugars at home than I really need. If I can stop now and start back to healthy eating I'll feel better in the long run.
In the mean time I'm still at work, it's gray and gloomy outside and I'd like to crawl back into bed.
Wow, this is turning into a really depressing birthday. I'm going spend the day at work, then grocery shopping and cleaning (or possibly sitting in front of the tv telling myself I should be cleaning), and then falling asleep.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Nothing and No One Changes
A text message I sent to J this winter when he started working at the club I can't go to anymore:
"Not that you need it, but good luck tonight. I know you'll do great!"
J's response: "Thank you!"
Text message I sent to the X today regarding his interview tomorrow:
"Good luck tomorrow. Not that you need it. You'll do great!"
The X's resonse: "Thank you!"
"Not that you need it, but good luck tonight. I know you'll do great!"
J's response: "Thank you!"
Text message I sent to the X today regarding his interview tomorrow:
"Good luck tomorrow. Not that you need it. You'll do great!"
The X's resonse: "Thank you!"
Friday, April 06, 2007
I Always Knew I'd End Up Your Ex-Girlfriend
I went out with the X last night and a group of his friends.
I had stopped by his office to get some materials from him that I need to work on. We started chatting. He asked my opinion on a presentation he has to give for a job interview next week.
We've talked about this job before when we chat on IM. An old boss moved on to a higher position then contacted the X saying he wanted to hire him. This position was basically created for, and the job posting was written for, the X. He'll get the job just for interviewing.
I know the X wants to get out his current job, he hates it there. So did I that's why I jumped on the job I have now. I also know he hates the city. He grew up in a more suburban/rural area and loathes the city. This job will be much closer to the outdoor life he wants.
But the last time I spoke to him he didn't want to interview. He decided he didn't want to work for that boss again. Now he's going. I think it was a girl (I think it's another girl with J too though). A few weeks ago when I was driving to get a drink with a friend of mine I saw him walking holding hands with a girl.
He's got a new SLR digital camera for his birthday recently. He had it with him and was taking my picture. He said that I wasn't smiling. That maybe my face was smiling, but inside I was grumpy. I had to impressed with his insight, but it also made me cry.
I ended up going out to dinner with him and his friends. I only had a few blue moments and for the most part I had a good time. The X can be very flirty. Very, very flirty. At one point he teased me that I trying to get him drunk so he couldn't drive home and he'd have to come to my place. I ended up leaving on my own just to make sure that we were clear that I was not there trying to hook up with him. That would be great. Use the X to get over J who I used to get over the X in the first place.
I only had a couple of twinges of "maybe I should have gotten back together with him when he asked" which inevitably lead to thoughts of J, the real reason I didn't get back together with the X. I couldn't very well date the X and sleep with J at the same time. But they were only twinges. It was just nice to be around somebody who is nice and good to me. To drink a little and hang with some fun people.
I had stopped by his office to get some materials from him that I need to work on. We started chatting. He asked my opinion on a presentation he has to give for a job interview next week.
We've talked about this job before when we chat on IM. An old boss moved on to a higher position then contacted the X saying he wanted to hire him. This position was basically created for, and the job posting was written for, the X. He'll get the job just for interviewing.
I know the X wants to get out his current job, he hates it there. So did I that's why I jumped on the job I have now. I also know he hates the city. He grew up in a more suburban/rural area and loathes the city. This job will be much closer to the outdoor life he wants.
But the last time I spoke to him he didn't want to interview. He decided he didn't want to work for that boss again. Now he's going. I think it was a girl (I think it's another girl with J too though). A few weeks ago when I was driving to get a drink with a friend of mine I saw him walking holding hands with a girl.
He's got a new SLR digital camera for his birthday recently. He had it with him and was taking my picture. He said that I wasn't smiling. That maybe my face was smiling, but inside I was grumpy. I had to impressed with his insight, but it also made me cry.
I ended up going out to dinner with him and his friends. I only had a few blue moments and for the most part I had a good time. The X can be very flirty. Very, very flirty. At one point he teased me that I trying to get him drunk so he couldn't drive home and he'd have to come to my place. I ended up leaving on my own just to make sure that we were clear that I was not there trying to hook up with him. That would be great. Use the X to get over J who I used to get over the X in the first place.
I only had a couple of twinges of "maybe I should have gotten back together with him when he asked" which inevitably lead to thoughts of J, the real reason I didn't get back together with the X. I couldn't very well date the X and sleep with J at the same time. But they were only twinges. It was just nice to be around somebody who is nice and good to me. To drink a little and hang with some fun people.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Is this what Regret feels like?
I had a dream about J this morning. He was calling me on the phone saying "You know I had a lot of fun this year, but..." and suddenly I was there at his place. I said "where else would I be." And he asked me to come over to him, put his arms around me and I gave him a very light kiss on the side of his mouth and the next thing I know we are making out. That's when my alarm went off. Maybe it's better than way, but it's left me depressed today.
I know I've said it all before. I've been wanting to do this. So why does it feel like someone is trying to crush the life out me?
My heart is beating so hard and an elephant is sitting on my chest. I have a hard time getting through five minutes without wanting to cry.
Every sign in the book was there. My brain knew it. Why did it take this for my feelings to catch on.
I keep going back and forth with being "okay." It's okay to have J out of my life. It's okay because I chose to do this. It's not so okay to feel embarassed about it. I just can't be sure that I would have drifted away without this. I also keep thinking about how I can make things okay for him. (Talk about too nice.) I keep thinking that maybe I made him think that he lead me on. I'm not totally naive. I knew the whole time that we were NSA and casual. I just wanted more. He never game me any signals that there ever would be more. But why should I care if he knows that or not?
The plus side is that I've been to two dance classes and they rocked. Okay, a dance lesson and a dance practice. I tried to go to a lesson yesterday but it was canceled. So one of the guys there (very nice older guy) said we could practice some partner work and ended up teaching me some new stuff. It was very cool. I had a good time. Which means J can take a flying leap for all I care when it comes to my dancing. I do it for me. There was such satisfaction in being able to spin twice and not fall over and I know that it is all about me.
I'm just dreading a few weeks from now. I have a feeling that he'll be at the sunday dance I go to with BMG.
I know I've said it all before. I've been wanting to do this. So why does it feel like someone is trying to crush the life out me?
My heart is beating so hard and an elephant is sitting on my chest. I have a hard time getting through five minutes without wanting to cry.
Every sign in the book was there. My brain knew it. Why did it take this for my feelings to catch on.
I keep going back and forth with being "okay." It's okay to have J out of my life. It's okay because I chose to do this. It's not so okay to feel embarassed about it. I just can't be sure that I would have drifted away without this. I also keep thinking about how I can make things okay for him. (Talk about too nice.) I keep thinking that maybe I made him think that he lead me on. I'm not totally naive. I knew the whole time that we were NSA and casual. I just wanted more. He never game me any signals that there ever would be more. But why should I care if he knows that or not?
The plus side is that I've been to two dance classes and they rocked. Okay, a dance lesson and a dance practice. I tried to go to a lesson yesterday but it was canceled. So one of the guys there (very nice older guy) said we could practice some partner work and ended up teaching me some new stuff. It was very cool. I had a good time. Which means J can take a flying leap for all I care when it comes to my dancing. I do it for me. There was such satisfaction in being able to spin twice and not fall over and I know that it is all about me.
I'm just dreading a few weeks from now. I have a feeling that he'll be at the sunday dance I go to with BMG.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
I changed my birthday plans.
I had too. I couldn't take going in there and pretending like I was okay. Maybe it is 10 days away. But spend the whole night there with J. I couldn't take the condecending "I'm so flattered" bit.
Of course he'll know why I'm not there. That's fine. But to be uptight, nervous, and possibly upset the whole time is ridiculous.
Of course now I am mad that I said anything before my birthday (I should have listened to Anathema). Although it's hard to say - I can imagine that I might have tried to get with him again, been upset by the rejection, and sending him an email. Then I'd be where I am right now only on my birthday.
There was no good timing on this one. I just wish I had a working crystal ball.
Now. I am really and truely NOT going to commit anymore blog entries to him. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
I had too. I couldn't take going in there and pretending like I was okay. Maybe it is 10 days away. But spend the whole night there with J. I couldn't take the condecending "I'm so flattered" bit.
Of course he'll know why I'm not there. That's fine. But to be uptight, nervous, and possibly upset the whole time is ridiculous.
Of course now I am mad that I said anything before my birthday (I should have listened to Anathema). Although it's hard to say - I can imagine that I might have tried to get with him again, been upset by the rejection, and sending him an email. Then I'd be where I am right now only on my birthday.
There was no good timing on this one. I just wish I had a working crystal ball.
Now. I am really and truely NOT going to commit anymore blog entries to him. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Resolutions
I was blog hopping instead of working.
I ran across someone's new years post when I realized that I just completed my new years resolution. To J my feelings. I thought it'd be after May before I did or that I wouldn't at all. But there you go. The hidden positive.
So I need a new resolution. What should my quarter year resolution be? Move on, let go? No, I need something active. I got past the X by joining the gym, learning to dance, and having sex with my instructor. How do I get over the instructor?
I have a goal for the summer actually. I want to be more flexible and be able to do the splits side and front by the end of August. But again, I'm afraid that this is just stemming from J and BMG. She can do the splits, so can his other partner. God, even after this weekend knowing I would find out what I did find out I kept thinking of things to do to help him (I kept reminding myself that guys don't like that). I wish I didn't care about him.
My other goal is to quit my job at the end of August. Well, it was. I think I wanted out of here and back on campus to be near J. Blech. I'm disgusting. Even to myself. All this shit I did to be nearer him, to be around him more often, to be more available. WTF? Where did my self respect go? I had some once.
Quarter Year Resolution: Re-discover my self respect.
I read an article in Psychology where a woman having only bad luck with men and relationships, moved into a studio apartment and got a single bed. Didn't go out with anyone and focused on herself and work. When she was ready to re-emerge she met someone wonderful and had a fufilling relationship.
When the X and I broke up my new years resolution was to be selfish because I knew I had lost a part of myself in him. But this isn't the case. This is a case of actually finding something quite cool and being rejected by the person who introduced it to me.
Ack! I really want to stay off the topic of J. Really.
I ran across someone's new years post when I realized that I just completed my new years resolution. To J my feelings. I thought it'd be after May before I did or that I wouldn't at all. But there you go. The hidden positive.
So I need a new resolution. What should my quarter year resolution be? Move on, let go? No, I need something active. I got past the X by joining the gym, learning to dance, and having sex with my instructor. How do I get over the instructor?
I have a goal for the summer actually. I want to be more flexible and be able to do the splits side and front by the end of August. But again, I'm afraid that this is just stemming from J and BMG. She can do the splits, so can his other partner. God, even after this weekend knowing I would find out what I did find out I kept thinking of things to do to help him (I kept reminding myself that guys don't like that). I wish I didn't care about him.
My other goal is to quit my job at the end of August. Well, it was. I think I wanted out of here and back on campus to be near J. Blech. I'm disgusting. Even to myself. All this shit I did to be nearer him, to be around him more often, to be more available. WTF? Where did my self respect go? I had some once.
Quarter Year Resolution: Re-discover my self respect.
I read an article in Psychology where a woman having only bad luck with men and relationships, moved into a studio apartment and got a single bed. Didn't go out with anyone and focused on herself and work. When she was ready to re-emerge she met someone wonderful and had a fufilling relationship.
When the X and I broke up my new years resolution was to be selfish because I knew I had lost a part of myself in him. But this isn't the case. This is a case of actually finding something quite cool and being rejected by the person who introduced it to me.
Ack! I really want to stay off the topic of J. Really.
Qu'est Que Ce
Well.
J did get back to me. I woke up this morning thinking maybe I'll text him and ask if he read it. But while I was doing some yoga stretches in my living room he emailed. I got it sometime after I got out of the shower.
He apologized for taking so long to write back but he was wondering what to do. The rest of it came as no shock to me at all. He's flattered, he was just having fun, he likes me as a friend now, he doesn't want things to change.
Which begs the question...why did I do it? I knew he'd lost interest in even coming over and I knew he'd never had feelings beyond the sex. So why did I need to make a big deal out of it. Couldn't I have moved on without making a fool of myself?
I thought knowing would be better. I thought if it was just made clear to me then I would be fine. I'm not fine. This sucks. He hopes our relationship won't change because he enjoys my company. I say that I have feelings for him, he says he was just having fun with me and doesn't want to anymore. How am I supposed to come away from that wanting to be his friend? I want to go back to bed. I want to curl up under the covers and cry until I fall asleep and then cry some more when I wake up.
My birthday party is on the 13th. I am at a loss as to what to do. I was feeling bold when I thought he was giving me the cold shoulder and I sent the invites out. Now I'd just like to burry my head in the sand or move away so I never have to see him again. I'm afraid that I'll hate dancing now. I think I was trying so hard in order to impress him. Like if I was a good enough dancer he'd want to be with me. What is the point now?
This is going to make me fat again I can tell. I'm going to end up avoiding the gym and dances so I don't run into him. God I hate this. If only I could safely drop off the face of the earth with out resorting to suicide.
With any luck this will be the last major entry regarding J. It is really and truely time to let it go.
J did get back to me. I woke up this morning thinking maybe I'll text him and ask if he read it. But while I was doing some yoga stretches in my living room he emailed. I got it sometime after I got out of the shower.
He apologized for taking so long to write back but he was wondering what to do. The rest of it came as no shock to me at all. He's flattered, he was just having fun, he likes me as a friend now, he doesn't want things to change.
Which begs the question...why did I do it? I knew he'd lost interest in even coming over and I knew he'd never had feelings beyond the sex. So why did I need to make a big deal out of it. Couldn't I have moved on without making a fool of myself?
I thought knowing would be better. I thought if it was just made clear to me then I would be fine. I'm not fine. This sucks. He hopes our relationship won't change because he enjoys my company. I say that I have feelings for him, he says he was just having fun with me and doesn't want to anymore. How am I supposed to come away from that wanting to be his friend? I want to go back to bed. I want to curl up under the covers and cry until I fall asleep and then cry some more when I wake up.
My birthday party is on the 13th. I am at a loss as to what to do. I was feeling bold when I thought he was giving me the cold shoulder and I sent the invites out. Now I'd just like to burry my head in the sand or move away so I never have to see him again. I'm afraid that I'll hate dancing now. I think I was trying so hard in order to impress him. Like if I was a good enough dancer he'd want to be with me. What is the point now?
This is going to make me fat again I can tell. I'm going to end up avoiding the gym and dances so I don't run into him. God I hate this. If only I could safely drop off the face of the earth with out resorting to suicide.
With any luck this will be the last major entry regarding J. It is really and truely time to let it go.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Stir Crazy
This is making me crazy.
I'm trying to figure out if there was something in what I wrote that implies I don't want or need a response.
I am back to freaking out. I know that I'm going to see him as I leave yoga and he comes into the room for his class. We generally don't talk, but even so. I'm so close to a nervy b. (as Georgia would say).
I keep checking my email. More obsessively than normal. I get flutters everytime I see the new mail # change. It's not him though. It's spam. or chain mail from my mom. I wish she wouldn't send me that shit. I don't want inspirational prayers of good will if I can only get it by sending on to my closest 50 friends. Or the "this really happened to my cousin's brother-in-law's sister's nephew who used to be a warden in a prison so he know cop stuff" cautionary tales about flashing my headlights on the highway.
Now I'm rambling and I'm getting pissy with customers. Good thing it's lunch time. More free time to obsess.
I'm trying to figure out if there was something in what I wrote that implies I don't want or need a response.
I am back to freaking out. I know that I'm going to see him as I leave yoga and he comes into the room for his class. We generally don't talk, but even so. I'm so close to a nervy b. (as Georgia would say).
I keep checking my email. More obsessively than normal. I get flutters everytime I see the new mail # change. It's not him though. It's spam. or chain mail from my mom. I wish she wouldn't send me that shit. I don't want inspirational prayers of good will if I can only get it by sending on to my closest 50 friends. Or the "this really happened to my cousin's brother-in-law's sister's nephew who used to be a warden in a prison so he know cop stuff" cautionary tales about flashing my headlights on the highway.
Now I'm rambling and I'm getting pissy with customers. Good thing it's lunch time. More free time to obsess.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Twelve Hours
Waiting sucks.
Yesterday I went to dance class. Took a nap. Went to dinner and had some drinks with a couple of ex-co-workers and then went to bed again.
Today I'm going to work out and clean the apartment like I thought I would do yesterday.
What sucks about email is this stupid delay. I don't have anyway of even knowing if he's gotten read it yet. I expect that he'll either not say anything or I'll get an email back. I know that he called me before about my texts, but I don't expect he'll call to talk about this.
Sigh. I hate waiting. The upside is that my nerves are starting to subside. There's a nice finality to knowing that whatever happens that is it. I can stop obsessing over him, I can stop crying over him. There is just a fair bit of embarrassment that comes with rejection (sad, but I know it's inevitable), but other than that I'm starting to feel a little more calm.
I have kept myself from re-reading what I sent him. I've only double checked that it is in my sent folder and not saved. I also double checked the same with the text message.
Since that is done. I am going to leave it and take my mind off by doing other things. I have audio book that I must finish by the end of tomorrow. I hope I can run and listen to a book at the same time. I've never tried it before.
Yesterday I went to dance class. Took a nap. Went to dinner and had some drinks with a couple of ex-co-workers and then went to bed again.
Today I'm going to work out and clean the apartment like I thought I would do yesterday.
What sucks about email is this stupid delay. I don't have anyway of even knowing if he's gotten read it yet. I expect that he'll either not say anything or I'll get an email back. I know that he called me before about my texts, but I don't expect he'll call to talk about this.
Sigh. I hate waiting. The upside is that my nerves are starting to subside. There's a nice finality to knowing that whatever happens that is it. I can stop obsessing over him, I can stop crying over him. There is just a fair bit of embarrassment that comes with rejection (sad, but I know it's inevitable), but other than that I'm starting to feel a little more calm.
I have kept myself from re-reading what I sent him. I've only double checked that it is in my sent folder and not saved. I also double checked the same with the text message.
Since that is done. I am going to leave it and take my mind off by doing other things. I have audio book that I must finish by the end of tomorrow. I hope I can run and listen to a book at the same time. I've never tried it before.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Hanging out on a limb is scary
I sent J the email.
Now I'm freaking out. I'm so nervous and scared, a litte embarrassed. Alot scared.
I had a brief respite when I went to the dance studio, but now I'm back at home. I can't decide to go for a run or shower and clean the apartment. I'm feeling the need to run off my nerves but my apartment is a tip. And I think I'll breathe a little easier if it were looking presentable.
Now I'm freaking out. I'm so nervous and scared, a litte embarrassed. Alot scared.
I had a brief respite when I went to the dance studio, but now I'm back at home. I can't decide to go for a run or shower and clean the apartment. I'm feeling the need to run off my nerves but my apartment is a tip. And I think I'll breathe a little easier if it were looking presentable.
Bad Night
Got back from my conference. Took a nap and decided to go out dancing at J's place.
First off, BMG was not there. I was scared at first, because all I could see of his partner when I walked in was long dark hair. But the partner of his that I like has gotten extensions. pheww. I and I really do like her. I'm jealous as hell of her cleavage (I can't figure out how she dances with half of it falling out of her top, but she does and hasn't flashed anyone yet) and her dancing skills, but still I like her.
Anyway...the short story is that J never danced with me. Not once. I was standing around without a partner on more than one occasion and still he'd walk by and take somebody else to the floor. He did stop and chat a couple of times.
To make matters worse they have gotten rid of the DJ and got somebody new in. A couple of young guys who did not play good music. I was only able to dance to 1/3 of it and eventually go so miffed I left. I made my opinion very loud about how aweful it was and that the other guy was much better.
Being in a bad mood I texted J. I asked why he didn't dance with me at all. To his credit he called me in responce. Asked if I was mad at him, asked if I'd had such a bad time. He said he's frustrated right now with his dancing that it's not getting any better and he feels the need to dance with different people that he's never danced with before. I think he's also trying to drum up business. Dance with someone show her some moves then hand over a card so they'll get a private lesson.
Anyway. This is ridicoulous. A) Why do I want to have my birthday where the music sucks? B) Why is it only when I get pissy with him does he respond?
Apparently hurt and pissed off gets his attention.
So I'm on email number 3. I'm sending tonight. Fuck it. I totally have to re-think my birthday as it is. I really don't want to dance there if they are going to keep the DJ they had tonight. I'd rather clean my apartment and have people over to my place. This one is even more to the point.
First off, BMG was not there. I was scared at first, because all I could see of his partner when I walked in was long dark hair. But the partner of his that I like has gotten extensions. pheww. I and I really do like her. I'm jealous as hell of her cleavage (I can't figure out how she dances with half of it falling out of her top, but she does and hasn't flashed anyone yet) and her dancing skills, but still I like her.
Anyway...the short story is that J never danced with me. Not once. I was standing around without a partner on more than one occasion and still he'd walk by and take somebody else to the floor. He did stop and chat a couple of times.
To make matters worse they have gotten rid of the DJ and got somebody new in. A couple of young guys who did not play good music. I was only able to dance to 1/3 of it and eventually go so miffed I left. I made my opinion very loud about how aweful it was and that the other guy was much better.
Being in a bad mood I texted J. I asked why he didn't dance with me at all. To his credit he called me in responce. Asked if I was mad at him, asked if I'd had such a bad time. He said he's frustrated right now with his dancing that it's not getting any better and he feels the need to dance with different people that he's never danced with before. I think he's also trying to drum up business. Dance with someone show her some moves then hand over a card so they'll get a private lesson.
Anyway. This is ridicoulous. A) Why do I want to have my birthday where the music sucks? B) Why is it only when I get pissy with him does he respond?
Apparently hurt and pissed off gets his attention.
So I'm on email number 3. I'm sending tonight. Fuck it. I totally have to re-think my birthday as it is. I really don't want to dance there if they are going to keep the DJ they had tonight. I'd rather clean my apartment and have people over to my place. This one is even more to the point.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Good Day
Tuesday was good.
I went to J's class afterall. I realized after a weekend of dance classes that I miss it. I stopped going, but didn't really supplement the loss with anything.
I had a great time. I was putting my shoes on when he came in. He walked over and we started chatting about the classes and the performers which we liked and didn't. Then we went on to have a really good class. I manged to talk to him like an actual person without all the crazy nervousness that I'm used to.
I'm off to a work conference for a few days. I'm very excited about not being at work and getting paid to learn new things about my profession. It's also out of town. Near very good shopping.
I went to J's class afterall. I realized after a weekend of dance classes that I miss it. I stopped going, but didn't really supplement the loss with anything.
I had a great time. I was putting my shoes on when he came in. He walked over and we started chatting about the classes and the performers which we liked and didn't. Then we went on to have a really good class. I manged to talk to him like an actual person without all the crazy nervousness that I'm used to.
I'm off to a work conference for a few days. I'm very excited about not being at work and getting paid to learn new things about my profession. It's also out of town. Near very good shopping.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The flip flopping continues
Didn't send the email. Don't plan on sending it. But I still can't go cold turkey. I don't know if it's because hope springs eternal or if I'm trying to be "mature" about the situation.
By definition J and are just Fuck Buddies. We have no relationship outside of occasional sex. It really shouldn't matter to either of us what the other is up to outside of that. But I do. The only way I'm ever going stop feeling this way is to stop seeing him all together.
In a couple of weeks. I'm going to go for a couple of more fridays. I really, really want to give myself the courage to say something that just aknowledges "the end." Because I can't handle it if I go ahead and distance myself only to have him booty call me in a few months.
But I especially wanted to have my birthday where he works. That's just over two weeks from now. I had been thinking I'd say something this friday. I was having such a good time on sunday night I told more than one person I was going. But why should I end it before I might get a birthday "gift." And if I don't then I know. I know for sure and I can walk away.
How long have I been saying this? Months I'm sure.
I'm also going back to his class. There are only two left that I don't work during. That last that I can go to falls right before my b-day celebration (although, after my actual birthday). I think it's a very good deadline, marking point.
I'm even going to hold myself to it this time. Even if I don't say/email anything. That is it. Now, if I can just stop the obsessing in the mean time.
By definition J and are just Fuck Buddies. We have no relationship outside of occasional sex. It really shouldn't matter to either of us what the other is up to outside of that. But I do. The only way I'm ever going stop feeling this way is to stop seeing him all together.
In a couple of weeks. I'm going to go for a couple of more fridays. I really, really want to give myself the courage to say something that just aknowledges "the end." Because I can't handle it if I go ahead and distance myself only to have him booty call me in a few months.
But I especially wanted to have my birthday where he works. That's just over two weeks from now. I had been thinking I'd say something this friday. I was having such a good time on sunday night I told more than one person I was going. But why should I end it before I might get a birthday "gift." And if I don't then I know. I know for sure and I can walk away.
How long have I been saying this? Months I'm sure.
I'm also going back to his class. There are only two left that I don't work during. That last that I can go to falls right before my b-day celebration (although, after my actual birthday). I think it's a very good deadline, marking point.
I'm even going to hold myself to it this time. Even if I don't say/email anything. That is it. Now, if I can just stop the obsessing in the mean time.
Monday, March 26, 2007
I Could be a Politician
God how I keep changing my mind.
I've got an email written. 300 words. I kept it to the barebones without any mention of other girls, or how he's "wronged" me. Just how I feel and what I want. Which is somebody who wants me too.
And then I went to lunch feeling all depressed because I know that if I do have the courage to send it that's it. The end. I think I have one chance in a a few hundred thousand that he says oh joy lets go out. So I'm doomed to suffer.
Suffer if I send it. Suffer if I don't.
So I thought don't. I'm trying to imagine my odds of anything working out between us. I'm trying to think if I really want to be in a relationship with him of if I just want the excuse to sleep with him more often. Although, having said that, I really just want to spend alot of time with him. I guess that's the definition of dating. Going out, hanging out, spending time.
Blech. Sending an email is such a crap thing to do. I just don't know of any other way. I don't want to face the rejection face to face. I was steeling myself to ask him what his relationship is with BareMidriftGirl last night. It didn't work. I asked him if he was going out of town and if he'd gotten the party job or not. He did. It has occured to me that the day after I told him I would be a reference he told me he couldn't do my program...suspisous? Especially now that I know he's okay with lying to his students. hmm. Why do I like him so much again? What ever, I lie too sometimes. (Yes, boss, I am very sick today and come into work.)
I'm just so sick of Limbo. At least if I send it I'll know. And then I can really and truely avoid him. I wouldn't have to think that if I go somewhere to be around him that it would make a difference with him.
I've got an email written. 300 words. I kept it to the barebones without any mention of other girls, or how he's "wronged" me. Just how I feel and what I want. Which is somebody who wants me too.
And then I went to lunch feeling all depressed because I know that if I do have the courage to send it that's it. The end. I think I have one chance in a a few hundred thousand that he says oh joy lets go out. So I'm doomed to suffer.
Suffer if I send it. Suffer if I don't.
So I thought don't. I'm trying to imagine my odds of anything working out between us. I'm trying to think if I really want to be in a relationship with him of if I just want the excuse to sleep with him more often. Although, having said that, I really just want to spend alot of time with him. I guess that's the definition of dating. Going out, hanging out, spending time.
Blech. Sending an email is such a crap thing to do. I just don't know of any other way. I don't want to face the rejection face to face. I was steeling myself to ask him what his relationship is with BareMidriftGirl last night. It didn't work. I asked him if he was going out of town and if he'd gotten the party job or not. He did. It has occured to me that the day after I told him I would be a reference he told me he couldn't do my program...suspisous? Especially now that I know he's okay with lying to his students. hmm. Why do I like him so much again? What ever, I lie too sometimes. (Yes, boss, I am very sick today and come into work.)
I'm just so sick of Limbo. At least if I send it I'll know. And then I can really and truely avoid him. I wouldn't have to think that if I go somewhere to be around him that it would make a difference with him.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Nightmare Continues
J wasn't lying. He was there today.
With little-miss-bare-midrift.
While they actually changed partners this time. He did wait through the girls only class for her. When I asked him if I would see him that night at the dance he said yeah. bla bla bla I'm going to answer you in one syllables bla bla and be a general jackass bla bla because little-miss is stretching on the floor next to me bla.
I was pissed. To say the least. I make an attempt to be at least friendly and get the cold shoulder.
I was pissed that he was going to be at the dance. I was counting on him being out of town. (Turns out, I asked him about it later, he told one of his students he was going to be out of town so he come to this stuff instead. Jerk.) I had picked out something really nice to wear and now was kind of regretting it. Apparently though, as one dancer (who has a girlfriend actually) that my short skirt from a couple of saturdays ago was a big hit. So maybe I'll go back to that one.
I was on my way to talk to CF (Class Friend) when J intercepted and asked me to dance. After one song I said thanks and went to dance with somone else. BareMidriftGirl was still dancing with Italian Boy so J sat down in a strop. It was fantastic! Italian Boy kept BMG for like 4 songs. And when she finally made it back to the seats J walked off to ask someone else to dance so BMG sat there in a strop. I was having a good giggle. When finally J was done dancing with other people he went looking for BMG and I intercepted and asked him to dance. Ha! They eventually made up and did dance together, but it was fun while it lasted. She got stroppy again when he said he was leaving at 8:30. I was glad to see them not leave together. She stayed until the end. I left a little before then.
I think I actually got J's last dance which was kind of nice. And he stood with me to watch the performances. During the last dance with him though I thought to myself, "why am I doing this to myself?" We could dance and say hi to each other and just he can just be someone I used to sleep with. I thought of it as passing the torch. "here take him, he's yours" I mentally thought to BMG. I even was planning on going back to his club on Friday and his Tuesday class.
The good will feelings made it all the way to my car. Then I started feeling crappy again. The endorphins of dancing just didn't make last long enough. I think I am not going back to dance at his on Friday or any other Fridays or going back to his class.
I'm still of two minds about ending it with him. As in, telling him it's over and why vs. letting it fizzle.
I feel like BMG is another incarnation of PSSG (Pink Sweat Suit Girl). I am wondering if he is grooming her to be his new partner for performances at the club. It's odd though. That he wants to dance with these girls who really know what they are doing because they are actual dancers. But J is by no means near professional quality. He's been doing this for 3 years. He's a little better at it than some because he was an athlete first. But watching him with his current partner at his club there is such a clear difference between them. Personally I don't think she's a fluid enough dancer for this style. But she can do the splits, as can BMG, so there it is.
I actually broke down and skimmed through the "essential" (i.e. short version) Mars & Venus. It says that women do this silence test to see if a man will meet her needs and if he doesn't he fails, but that she should just ask. That a man won't do anything unless she does. And after she does then she's supposed to be silent. Part of me thinks if I say something now I'll be automatically rejected because of the presence of BMG. But I don't want to wait until I hear that she's his girlfriend.
Maybe I shouldn't be trusting a book. Because we're not in a relationship. If he wanted to ask me out he would have. If he wanted to catch a fast food lunch with me he would have asked. (Of course I got that bit of wisdom from He's just not that into you also a book.)
With little-miss-bare-midrift.
While they actually changed partners this time. He did wait through the girls only class for her. When I asked him if I would see him that night at the dance he said yeah. bla bla bla I'm going to answer you in one syllables bla bla and be a general jackass bla bla because little-miss is stretching on the floor next to me bla.
I was pissed. To say the least. I make an attempt to be at least friendly and get the cold shoulder.
I was pissed that he was going to be at the dance. I was counting on him being out of town. (Turns out, I asked him about it later, he told one of his students he was going to be out of town so he come to this stuff instead. Jerk.) I had picked out something really nice to wear and now was kind of regretting it. Apparently though, as one dancer (who has a girlfriend actually) that my short skirt from a couple of saturdays ago was a big hit. So maybe I'll go back to that one.
I was on my way to talk to CF (Class Friend) when J intercepted and asked me to dance. After one song I said thanks and went to dance with somone else. BareMidriftGirl was still dancing with Italian Boy so J sat down in a strop. It was fantastic! Italian Boy kept BMG for like 4 songs. And when she finally made it back to the seats J walked off to ask someone else to dance so BMG sat there in a strop. I was having a good giggle. When finally J was done dancing with other people he went looking for BMG and I intercepted and asked him to dance. Ha! They eventually made up and did dance together, but it was fun while it lasted. She got stroppy again when he said he was leaving at 8:30. I was glad to see them not leave together. She stayed until the end. I left a little before then.
I think I actually got J's last dance which was kind of nice. And he stood with me to watch the performances. During the last dance with him though I thought to myself, "why am I doing this to myself?" We could dance and say hi to each other and just he can just be someone I used to sleep with. I thought of it as passing the torch. "here take him, he's yours" I mentally thought to BMG. I even was planning on going back to his club on Friday and his Tuesday class.
The good will feelings made it all the way to my car. Then I started feeling crappy again. The endorphins of dancing just didn't make last long enough. I think I am not going back to dance at his on Friday or any other Fridays or going back to his class.
I'm still of two minds about ending it with him. As in, telling him it's over and why vs. letting it fizzle.
I feel like BMG is another incarnation of PSSG (Pink Sweat Suit Girl). I am wondering if he is grooming her to be his new partner for performances at the club. It's odd though. That he wants to dance with these girls who really know what they are doing because they are actual dancers. But J is by no means near professional quality. He's been doing this for 3 years. He's a little better at it than some because he was an athlete first. But watching him with his current partner at his club there is such a clear difference between them. Personally I don't think she's a fluid enough dancer for this style. But she can do the splits, as can BMG, so there it is.
I actually broke down and skimmed through the "essential" (i.e. short version) Mars & Venus. It says that women do this silence test to see if a man will meet her needs and if he doesn't he fails, but that she should just ask. That a man won't do anything unless she does. And after she does then she's supposed to be silent. Part of me thinks if I say something now I'll be automatically rejected because of the presence of BMG. But I don't want to wait until I hear that she's his girlfriend.
Maybe I shouldn't be trusting a book. Because we're not in a relationship. If he wanted to ask me out he would have. If he wanted to catch a fast food lunch with me he would have asked. (Of course I got that bit of wisdom from He's just not that into you also a book.)
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Good days gone Bad
Big dance weekend. I managed to get off of work by taking last weekend and working a million hours without a day off. There are lessons all day Sat and Sun with dances in the evening. I have been so excited about it and really looking forward. I wondered if J would show up on the Saturday for one or two, but wasn't minding that either. I thought it would be kind of nice and maybe I'd work up the nerve to ask him if he wanted to get something to eat afterward.
Wow, how quickly my excitement turns into shitty-ness. I saw him drive into the parking lot as I was walking in in the morning. I was waiting to sign up and I look at the girl in front holding up the line because she wants to pay with a check. I could tell it was her first by the hair, then the bracelets and bare midrift. Yep, it was Sunday Dance Girl.
They spent the whole time together. He said hi to me when he signed in and paid and he said hi again before the break asking about my shoes. That was it. Oh, except for when he asked me where a fast-food restaurant was as the two of them walked to his car. Yeah, nothing for me thanks, I don't eat. (I had actually been practicing what I would have said if he'd asked me to go with them anywhere - at the time I thought we got an hour break, but we got half - which was "oh no thanks, I don't want to be a third wheel. Thanks tho") Oh, he did say hi when we were getting water together once before asking about my shoes. He told me I missed a good night last night (at the club he works at). He danced with two girls at once. I looked at him blankly, I didn't recognize thier names. It was the girl he was with and somebody else. Great. Reason #512 why I won't be going back there. What I should have said was "it sounds like you had a good night last night." But I didn't think of it until later.
After the break he partnered her in the partnerwork classes and when the leads were supposed to move down one, he didn't. WTF? I get stuck dancing with two or three crazy old geezers who shouldn't be doing advanced partnerwork she gets J the whole class.
Then he left. He was there one minute and the next he was gone. Very weird. She stayed for the ladies class at the end. I got through part of it, but was so depressed I left. That and my feet hurt.
I started composing yet another heartfelt eamil about how I couldn't be casual with him and see him with other girls and explaining that I was so shy and nervous around him I couldn't be so friendly, friendly like they were today. She kept poking him in the chest with her elbows and stuff. I swear to god they were talking about me at one point too. I know I should be so self-consious, but I would swear that they were looking in my general direction and he was pointing me out to her. That was the class before he came over to ask about my shoes though.
And then I called him. Yep. I did. I'm not really sure what pursuaded me to do it. I wasn't going to leave heartfelt on his voicemail. I just wanted to ask him if he was going to the dance tonight. I've been trying to decide whether to go this dance tonight. I don't want to drive there and back tonight and do it again for the classes in the morning. A friend who leaves near is going to let me crash with her though. I guess I'm feeling guilty because I'm not being friendly friendly with him. I mean, what's wrong with me that when I like someone I run away, I clam up and can't function correctly? This reminds me of the fall with Pink Sweatsuit Girl who used to wait after class to dance with him. Then she seemed to disapear and he came back to coming around to mine.
Anyway he's not going to be there. He's got to work. But he said he'd be at the classes tomorrow.
This is what I don't get....His comment about me missing a good night at the club, telling me he's be there tomorrow and asking me if I would be all implies that he at least considers me a friend - he doesn't totally disregard me. But if that's the case, why is it okay to use me to get off with when he's not got anyone else?
Oh how I wish I didn't like him. I wish I could really be objective and see his shitty behavior and say, hey, this is not good for me I will not partake of it. But I don't. I actually like him.
Fictional 14 year-old's mom said to her:
You have to decide what you want, ask for it and either get it or if he doesn't want the same thing as you , you have to accept it. Life is for the brave.
I know this. I've known this for 10 months. Why can't I be brave?
Wow, how quickly my excitement turns into shitty-ness. I saw him drive into the parking lot as I was walking in in the morning. I was waiting to sign up and I look at the girl in front holding up the line because she wants to pay with a check. I could tell it was her first by the hair, then the bracelets and bare midrift. Yep, it was Sunday Dance Girl.
They spent the whole time together. He said hi to me when he signed in and paid and he said hi again before the break asking about my shoes. That was it. Oh, except for when he asked me where a fast-food restaurant was as the two of them walked to his car. Yeah, nothing for me thanks, I don't eat. (I had actually been practicing what I would have said if he'd asked me to go with them anywhere - at the time I thought we got an hour break, but we got half - which was "oh no thanks, I don't want to be a third wheel. Thanks tho") Oh, he did say hi when we were getting water together once before asking about my shoes. He told me I missed a good night last night (at the club he works at). He danced with two girls at once. I looked at him blankly, I didn't recognize thier names. It was the girl he was with and somebody else. Great. Reason #512 why I won't be going back there. What I should have said was "it sounds like you had a good night last night." But I didn't think of it until later.
After the break he partnered her in the partnerwork classes and when the leads were supposed to move down one, he didn't. WTF? I get stuck dancing with two or three crazy old geezers who shouldn't be doing advanced partnerwork she gets J the whole class.
Then he left. He was there one minute and the next he was gone. Very weird. She stayed for the ladies class at the end. I got through part of it, but was so depressed I left. That and my feet hurt.
I started composing yet another heartfelt eamil about how I couldn't be casual with him and see him with other girls and explaining that I was so shy and nervous around him I couldn't be so friendly, friendly like they were today. She kept poking him in the chest with her elbows and stuff. I swear to god they were talking about me at one point too. I know I should be so self-consious, but I would swear that they were looking in my general direction and he was pointing me out to her. That was the class before he came over to ask about my shoes though.
And then I called him. Yep. I did. I'm not really sure what pursuaded me to do it. I wasn't going to leave heartfelt on his voicemail. I just wanted to ask him if he was going to the dance tonight. I've been trying to decide whether to go this dance tonight. I don't want to drive there and back tonight and do it again for the classes in the morning. A friend who leaves near is going to let me crash with her though. I guess I'm feeling guilty because I'm not being friendly friendly with him. I mean, what's wrong with me that when I like someone I run away, I clam up and can't function correctly? This reminds me of the fall with Pink Sweatsuit Girl who used to wait after class to dance with him. Then she seemed to disapear and he came back to coming around to mine.
Anyway he's not going to be there. He's got to work. But he said he'd be at the classes tomorrow.
This is what I don't get....His comment about me missing a good night at the club, telling me he's be there tomorrow and asking me if I would be all implies that he at least considers me a friend - he doesn't totally disregard me. But if that's the case, why is it okay to use me to get off with when he's not got anyone else?
Oh how I wish I didn't like him. I wish I could really be objective and see his shitty behavior and say, hey, this is not good for me I will not partake of it. But I don't. I actually like him.
Fictional 14 year-old's mom said to her:
You have to decide what you want, ask for it and either get it or if he doesn't want the same thing as you , you have to accept it. Life is for the brave.
I know this. I've known this for 10 months. Why can't I be brave?
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Stunted
I realize that maturity-wise I am at least 10 years younger than my physical age. Looks-wise as well, but most people would call that a blessing. When I'm 40 and older that might be the case, right now as I try to be a professional among a bunch of middle-aged women and set myself apart from the teen-agers I work with, it is decidedly not a blessing.
I was working with my teen council yesterday and was on a school visit today. I realized that the love/hate relationship I have with them (I dread going, but enjoy it when more than 1 kid shows up and end up having very positive experiences) is because while I have been alive for 10 to 15 years longer, essentially I think alot like them.
I really believe that, developmentally, I shut off around the age of 11 and didn't really turn on again until 18. I lived in a shell for years just trying to get through life without anyone noticing me. It worked too. I had no friends. No life outside of school or home. It's sad and pathetic really.
It wasn't until I went on study abroad a few years ago that I started my teen-age years - going out, dating, having more than one friend, and now I'm on to the I don't know what to do with myself college years (despite having a BA, 2 Masters and a graduate certificate already - that's just my version of changing my major 3 times). I really just don't know what I want to do with my life. My hobbies are always changing. Books and school are about the only things that have ever remained constant.
Which is why, after yet another person in my dance class mistook me for a highschooler, I thought, what would be so bad with just starting over? Everyone thinks I'm 18 at first glance anyway. They wouldn't know I was ten years older than that unless I tell them. I tested it at the hairdresser's last week. I made up a fictional life of a twenty year old quite convincingly.
I know I just got out of school. I know I just moved out on my own. But it really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I know I'm weird. And I complained while I was there, I was glad to be done when I graduated, but I am happiest when I am in school. Taking classes, writing papers, reading books (not that I ever really did my reading). I can't imagine teaching is the same. But I have been giving serious consideration to going and getting my teaching certificate. The idea of student teaching gives me the heeby-jeebies though. Especially in the city - those kids would eat me alive.
Or to go back and get a BA in dance. That would be fun.
I think that's one of the main reasons I chose to move onto campus even though I graduated and took a different job. I don't want to be away from young college life. I'm like a Lost Boy being afraid of growing up.
I am signing up for a Spanish class at a local community college. I also think I am going to apply there for a part-time adjunct position. It might stave off the hunger for academia for a bit.
I was working with my teen council yesterday and was on a school visit today. I realized that the love/hate relationship I have with them (I dread going, but enjoy it when more than 1 kid shows up and end up having very positive experiences) is because while I have been alive for 10 to 15 years longer, essentially I think alot like them.
I really believe that, developmentally, I shut off around the age of 11 and didn't really turn on again until 18. I lived in a shell for years just trying to get through life without anyone noticing me. It worked too. I had no friends. No life outside of school or home. It's sad and pathetic really.
It wasn't until I went on study abroad a few years ago that I started my teen-age years - going out, dating, having more than one friend, and now I'm on to the I don't know what to do with myself college years (despite having a BA, 2 Masters and a graduate certificate already - that's just my version of changing my major 3 times). I really just don't know what I want to do with my life. My hobbies are always changing. Books and school are about the only things that have ever remained constant.
Which is why, after yet another person in my dance class mistook me for a highschooler, I thought, what would be so bad with just starting over? Everyone thinks I'm 18 at first glance anyway. They wouldn't know I was ten years older than that unless I tell them. I tested it at the hairdresser's last week. I made up a fictional life of a twenty year old quite convincingly.
I know I just got out of school. I know I just moved out on my own. But it really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I know I'm weird. And I complained while I was there, I was glad to be done when I graduated, but I am happiest when I am in school. Taking classes, writing papers, reading books (not that I ever really did my reading). I can't imagine teaching is the same. But I have been giving serious consideration to going and getting my teaching certificate. The idea of student teaching gives me the heeby-jeebies though. Especially in the city - those kids would eat me alive.
Or to go back and get a BA in dance. That would be fun.
I think that's one of the main reasons I chose to move onto campus even though I graduated and took a different job. I don't want to be away from young college life. I'm like a Lost Boy being afraid of growing up.
I am signing up for a Spanish class at a local community college. I also think I am going to apply there for a part-time adjunct position. It might stave off the hunger for academia for a bit.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
New Moon
Last night was a new moon
Ironic that the new moon is the darkest - it's black it's empty we can't see it. Maybe that's when we need the fresh start the most.
Ironic that the new moon is the darkest - it's black it's empty we can't see it. Maybe that's when we need the fresh start the most.
Men are from Mars
I'd like some research done into the psychic tendancies of asshole men.
I was thinking about how I could no longer consider J as a part of my life. I really wanted him to be, but he just isn't. That's how things are.
He called me and left me a voicemail. I tried not to get my hopes up. I told myself that it was just him calling and telling me that he couldn't do the program in May. He was due to know by now. Obviously, not getting my hopes up is out of the question. So I listened to the voicemail as I walked to my car.
The thing about psychic jackass boys that know when you've finally given up on them is that when they do call you at that precice moment they are still only calling because they want something. In this case J wanted a reference. Some dude wants to hire J for a party and asked for references. Since I've been in J's class for so long "almost a year now, or over a year" He can't even remember! (It's been almost 11 months!) And because I asked him to do a program for me he game the dude my cell number.
I called him back. I wanted to say "have you not noticed that I haven't been in your class for more than a month?" Whatever. I said I'd do it. He said thank you that he really appreciated it. Once again I entered teenager realm and wasn't able to do more than laugh when he asked how my day was going. It wasn't even an ironic laugh that says "oh, you don't want to know." Then he said that he'd talk to me that night or the next. huh? whatsits?
Now my hopes were really high. They shouldn't be. But there you go.
I went to yoga like normal. They keep moving our classroom around so we were back in the big room where J has his class right after. He waved at me as I left. Hopes soaring that this point.
I went to cha-cha like normal. Hopes were coming down a little. But I still reserved them for the next day.
CF asked me out after class. Not in so many words. He asked me how I was after Friday. Asked if I had eaten the pancakes then said he needed to talk to me after class. Uh-oh. I thought he was going to give me a concerned friend intervention. Instead he asked if I had eaten and when I said yes, asked "oh, you don't want to get some food now?" No. I am going home to bed. Then he asked me if I wanted to go back to the same place Friday. Doh! Great timing. Take new people to J's club right when I had decided to go back to avoiding him. I said I'd be at dinner with my dad's. Too flimsy. CF said he'd call me (note he didn't ask me to call him) to see if I wanted to go after dinner with my dad.
My hopes were still high enough about J. I thought he'll want to come over at somepoint, today or tomorrow. My excuse for giving in is of course, that I have to end it on a high note. Good-bye sex being so great and all. Of course J'll jokeningly mention something about all of my admirers at the club. I'd be able to swing that round to how I always get asked out by the guys I'm not interested in while the guys I want to go out with don't ask. Which would some how lead to mentioning that I want to go out with him.
My hopes crashed and burned today at 4:30. I checked my email. Email from J saying he can't do the program in May. Ahhh, now the "I'll talk to you tonight or tomorrow" becomes clear. But in the end he must have chickened out. I'm so nice I told him that I was glad that he has the opportunity to go to such a great conference.
I bought some thongs at Target's in an effort to cheer me up. I am going to buy some dance shoes and pants this week too in preparation for lots of classes coming up this weekend. I am wondering if I am going to run into J there. I did in October.
I have this stupid fantasy that if I ignore him long enough when I do finally run into him (or in some fantasies, he walks by the pool of my building this summer where I happen to be sun bathing in the new bikini I also plan on buying myself) he tries to get it on again. Then I get to tell him look it's been too long I'm over the NSA sex. Go out with me or no go. And in the uber-delusions he's eccsatic about the prospect and we live happily ever after. - Like I said UBER-delusions.
I was thinking about how I could no longer consider J as a part of my life. I really wanted him to be, but he just isn't. That's how things are.
He called me and left me a voicemail. I tried not to get my hopes up. I told myself that it was just him calling and telling me that he couldn't do the program in May. He was due to know by now. Obviously, not getting my hopes up is out of the question. So I listened to the voicemail as I walked to my car.
The thing about psychic jackass boys that know when you've finally given up on them is that when they do call you at that precice moment they are still only calling because they want something. In this case J wanted a reference. Some dude wants to hire J for a party and asked for references. Since I've been in J's class for so long "almost a year now, or over a year" He can't even remember! (It's been almost 11 months!) And because I asked him to do a program for me he game the dude my cell number.
I called him back. I wanted to say "have you not noticed that I haven't been in your class for more than a month?" Whatever. I said I'd do it. He said thank you that he really appreciated it. Once again I entered teenager realm and wasn't able to do more than laugh when he asked how my day was going. It wasn't even an ironic laugh that says "oh, you don't want to know." Then he said that he'd talk to me that night or the next. huh? whatsits?
Now my hopes were really high. They shouldn't be. But there you go.
I went to yoga like normal. They keep moving our classroom around so we were back in the big room where J has his class right after. He waved at me as I left. Hopes soaring that this point.
I went to cha-cha like normal. Hopes were coming down a little. But I still reserved them for the next day.
CF asked me out after class. Not in so many words. He asked me how I was after Friday. Asked if I had eaten the pancakes then said he needed to talk to me after class. Uh-oh. I thought he was going to give me a concerned friend intervention. Instead he asked if I had eaten and when I said yes, asked "oh, you don't want to get some food now?" No. I am going home to bed. Then he asked me if I wanted to go back to the same place Friday. Doh! Great timing. Take new people to J's club right when I had decided to go back to avoiding him. I said I'd be at dinner with my dad's. Too flimsy. CF said he'd call me (note he didn't ask me to call him) to see if I wanted to go after dinner with my dad.
My hopes were still high enough about J. I thought he'll want to come over at somepoint, today or tomorrow. My excuse for giving in is of course, that I have to end it on a high note. Good-bye sex being so great and all. Of course J'll jokeningly mention something about all of my admirers at the club. I'd be able to swing that round to how I always get asked out by the guys I'm not interested in while the guys I want to go out with don't ask. Which would some how lead to mentioning that I want to go out with him.
My hopes crashed and burned today at 4:30. I checked my email. Email from J saying he can't do the program in May. Ahhh, now the "I'll talk to you tonight or tomorrow" becomes clear. But in the end he must have chickened out. I'm so nice I told him that I was glad that he has the opportunity to go to such a great conference.
I bought some thongs at Target's in an effort to cheer me up. I am going to buy some dance shoes and pants this week too in preparation for lots of classes coming up this weekend. I am wondering if I am going to run into J there. I did in October.
I have this stupid fantasy that if I ignore him long enough when I do finally run into him (or in some fantasies, he walks by the pool of my building this summer where I happen to be sun bathing in the new bikini I also plan on buying myself) he tries to get it on again. Then I get to tell him look it's been too long I'm over the NSA sex. Go out with me or no go. And in the uber-delusions he's eccsatic about the prospect and we live happily ever after. - Like I said UBER-delusions.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
My Novel Life
I have officially sunk to the level of a fourteen-year-old. A fictionalized British fourteen-year-old, but a fourteen-year-old none-the-less.
I am speaking of Georgia Nicholson (of The Confessions of Georgia Nicholson by Louise Rennison - very funny, laugh-out-loud books). In On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God Georgia comes up with a brilliant three pronged plan to win back Robbie the sex god from the title who breaks up with her pretty early in the book.
The parts of her plan are:
1) Maturosity (he broke up with her because she was too young)
2) Glaciosity (playing hard to get; being cold like a glacier)
3) the Red Herring (going out with another boy)
Yep. With the exception of the maturity part that pretty much sums up my Friday night. In the book Georgia goes to a club where Robbie the SG's band is playing and meets up with another boy. She very obviously dances with him and laughs at his jokes when the SG can see.
See...14. Maybe I do need to add maturosity to my plans from now on.
I am speaking of Georgia Nicholson (of The Confessions of Georgia Nicholson by Louise Rennison - very funny, laugh-out-loud books). In On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God Georgia comes up with a brilliant three pronged plan to win back Robbie the sex god from the title who breaks up with her pretty early in the book.
The parts of her plan are:
1) Maturosity (he broke up with her because she was too young)
2) Glaciosity (playing hard to get; being cold like a glacier)
3) the Red Herring (going out with another boy)
Yep. With the exception of the maturity part that pretty much sums up my Friday night. In the book Georgia goes to a club where Robbie the SG's band is playing and meets up with another boy. She very obviously dances with him and laughs at his jokes when the SG can see.
See...14. Maybe I do need to add maturosity to my plans from now on.
My Novel Life
I have officially sunk to the level of a fourteen-year-old. A fictionalized British fourteen-year-old, but a fourteen-year-old none-the-less.
I am speaking of Georgia Nicholson (of The Confessions of Georgia Nicholson by Louise Rennison - very funny, laugh-out-loud books). In On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God Georgia comes up with a brilliant three pronged plan to win back Robbie the sex god from the title who breaks up with her pretty early in the book.
The parts of her plan are:
1) Maturosity (he broke up with her because she was too young)
2) Glaciosity (playing hard to get; being cold like a glacier)
3) the Red Herring (going out with another boy)
Yep. With the exception of the maturity part that pretty much sums up my Friday night. In the book Georgia goes to a club where Robbie the SG's band is playing and meets up with another boy. She very obviously dances with him and laughs at his jokes when the SG can see.
See...14. Maybe I do need to add maturosity to my plans from now on.
I am speaking of Georgia Nicholson (of The Confessions of Georgia Nicholson by Louise Rennison - very funny, laugh-out-loud books). In On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God Georgia comes up with a brilliant three pronged plan to win back Robbie the sex god from the title who breaks up with her pretty early in the book.
The parts of her plan are:
1) Maturosity (he broke up with her because she was too young)
2) Glaciosity (playing hard to get; being cold like a glacier)
3) the Red Herring (going out with another boy)
Yep. With the exception of the maturity part that pretty much sums up my Friday night. In the book Georgia goes to a club where Robbie the SG's band is playing and meets up with another boy. She very obviously dances with him and laughs at his jokes when the SG can see.
See...14. Maybe I do need to add maturosity to my plans from now on.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
White Flag
Friday Night:
I went out to dinner with a girlfriend from there I went straight to J's club. I was expecting to have arrived late it was after 10 but nothing had started yet. I arrived at the same time as a friend from one of my dance classes so we went in together and were met by a friend of his who I also know from the dances I go to.
We hung out at the bar talking. Watched the performance and the lesson. My college buddy (CB) showed up after. I think he'd already been drinking alot or he was high. I danced with him first and realized that inviting him was probably a mistake. He is a dear friend and he claims to have had a good time, but dancing didn't seem to be his strong suit. And I felt bad for not hanging out with him much while he was there.
J asked me to dance and we got through like maybe one minute when my shoe broke. That pair apparently is cursed. So he picked me up and carried me off the dance floor. It was just like the dream I had a few days ago (without the making out).
I ended up drinking alot. I had a drink at dinner (one of those Frau-Frau things with 4 or 5 different kinds of alcohol), a mojito when I arrived, and my class friend bought me sangria, another guy who accidental smacked me on the dance floor bought me another, and then my class friend bought me my fifth. I was done in. I was drunk. I have not been that ill since the New Years after the X broke up with me.
I danced maybe 2 or 3 times again with J. Once we danced and I said thank you and walked away. I sat down with CB and he said to me "you have a lot of admirers in here." Now I think I was on Sangria #2 at that point, or at least finishing Sangria #1. I brushed it off, but then said "maybe, but not the right one" and almost started to cry. CB pegged right off that I had a thing for J. Now CB does not know the history of J and I. His take on the situation? J seems kind of shy. Those were his words. The whole time I'm sitting there trying to wipe a few tears away J is on the other side of the dance floor talking with his dance partner for the performance. I could have sworn he kept looking over at me. Maybe not, but I got the distinct impression that they were talking about me.
At one point I danced a cha-cha with my class friend and J moved to where he could watch us. We were the only ones on the dance floor. Cha-cha isn't very popular there (and yet the floor was packed for "stayin' alive"!).
I danced again with J after I talked to the DJ again asking for this specific artist of which he played 30seconds of a song by him before moving on. I was talking about how much I love the album bla bla and J busts out with "you're funny" I assume because I was drunk.
I even went up to his brother who works there. He's the bouncer who about a month ago had said he was going to ask me to dance but didn't. So when I asked him he said he couldn't.
I just ended up being flirty mcflirtson last night. And of course J never did say a word about "getting together."
I am not sure when I realized but it occured to me at some point that he's letting this fizzle. He asked how I'd been doing at the beginning of our first dance, but he didn't say anything about the fact that two weeks ago I invited him to come over. When I danced with him the second time - before my sad conversation with CB - I remember thinking that it was really over. Being drunk I also thought that maybe I'd be okay and could still be around him as friends. The sober me is thinking differently. I think I might have to go back to avoiding him. Even though I have been thinking of going back to his class this Tuesday.
Well, eventually the lights came up and my friends were heading out. I was obviously in no condition to drive. I argued for having one of them drive me in my car with the other following to take him back to his car after. But my class friend insisted I go get food.
When I'm drunk I'm fantastic as long as I'm doing something. Dancing or partying. As soon as it's over I nose-dive. I sat in CF's car trying so hard not to cry. I ended up in the bathroom of an IHOP sobbing. The girls there were really nice they kept asking if I was okay. I couldn't even contain myself when I was at the table with CF. It was so embarrassing. This isn't a guy I know super well. Here he was buying me breakfast at 3am trying to sober me up. Granted he also contributed to 2 drinks getting me to the state I was in - but I feel incredibly guilty about how much he must have shelled out last night. I tried to pay for my pancakes, but when I was on my second trip to the bathroom (this time not to cry) he paid and had my pancakes boxed up.
I eventually did get home in one piece, although I think technically shouldn't have been driving CF did follow me. My penance was that when I woke up 4 hours later to go to work I had a flat tire. That was not a fun morning. Hung over and dealing with a flat. I even had to buy a new tire because my spare is one of those donuts that you can only drive 30 miles an hour on.
*sigh* I was sort of hoping that my flirtfest would spur J's interest. But I should know better. I don't think he got remotely jealous or anything. In fact I think he bought some other girl a drink.
Playing these games sucks. I just want it to be clear. I want it to be over or I want it to be something. Unfortunately I think it is clear that he doesn't want me. Not for sex anymore and not for anything else either.
I went out to dinner with a girlfriend from there I went straight to J's club. I was expecting to have arrived late it was after 10 but nothing had started yet. I arrived at the same time as a friend from one of my dance classes so we went in together and were met by a friend of his who I also know from the dances I go to.
We hung out at the bar talking. Watched the performance and the lesson. My college buddy (CB) showed up after. I think he'd already been drinking alot or he was high. I danced with him first and realized that inviting him was probably a mistake. He is a dear friend and he claims to have had a good time, but dancing didn't seem to be his strong suit. And I felt bad for not hanging out with him much while he was there.
J asked me to dance and we got through like maybe one minute when my shoe broke. That pair apparently is cursed. So he picked me up and carried me off the dance floor. It was just like the dream I had a few days ago (without the making out).
I ended up drinking alot. I had a drink at dinner (one of those Frau-Frau things with 4 or 5 different kinds of alcohol), a mojito when I arrived, and my class friend bought me sangria, another guy who accidental smacked me on the dance floor bought me another, and then my class friend bought me my fifth. I was done in. I was drunk. I have not been that ill since the New Years after the X broke up with me.
I danced maybe 2 or 3 times again with J. Once we danced and I said thank you and walked away. I sat down with CB and he said to me "you have a lot of admirers in here." Now I think I was on Sangria #2 at that point, or at least finishing Sangria #1. I brushed it off, but then said "maybe, but not the right one" and almost started to cry. CB pegged right off that I had a thing for J. Now CB does not know the history of J and I. His take on the situation? J seems kind of shy. Those were his words. The whole time I'm sitting there trying to wipe a few tears away J is on the other side of the dance floor talking with his dance partner for the performance. I could have sworn he kept looking over at me. Maybe not, but I got the distinct impression that they were talking about me.
At one point I danced a cha-cha with my class friend and J moved to where he could watch us. We were the only ones on the dance floor. Cha-cha isn't very popular there (and yet the floor was packed for "stayin' alive"!).
I danced again with J after I talked to the DJ again asking for this specific artist of which he played 30seconds of a song by him before moving on. I was talking about how much I love the album bla bla and J busts out with "you're funny" I assume because I was drunk.
I even went up to his brother who works there. He's the bouncer who about a month ago had said he was going to ask me to dance but didn't. So when I asked him he said he couldn't.
I just ended up being flirty mcflirtson last night. And of course J never did say a word about "getting together."
I am not sure when I realized but it occured to me at some point that he's letting this fizzle. He asked how I'd been doing at the beginning of our first dance, but he didn't say anything about the fact that two weeks ago I invited him to come over. When I danced with him the second time - before my sad conversation with CB - I remember thinking that it was really over. Being drunk I also thought that maybe I'd be okay and could still be around him as friends. The sober me is thinking differently. I think I might have to go back to avoiding him. Even though I have been thinking of going back to his class this Tuesday.
Well, eventually the lights came up and my friends were heading out. I was obviously in no condition to drive. I argued for having one of them drive me in my car with the other following to take him back to his car after. But my class friend insisted I go get food.
When I'm drunk I'm fantastic as long as I'm doing something. Dancing or partying. As soon as it's over I nose-dive. I sat in CF's car trying so hard not to cry. I ended up in the bathroom of an IHOP sobbing. The girls there were really nice they kept asking if I was okay. I couldn't even contain myself when I was at the table with CF. It was so embarrassing. This isn't a guy I know super well. Here he was buying me breakfast at 3am trying to sober me up. Granted he also contributed to 2 drinks getting me to the state I was in - but I feel incredibly guilty about how much he must have shelled out last night. I tried to pay for my pancakes, but when I was on my second trip to the bathroom (this time not to cry) he paid and had my pancakes boxed up.
I eventually did get home in one piece, although I think technically shouldn't have been driving CF did follow me. My penance was that when I woke up 4 hours later to go to work I had a flat tire. That was not a fun morning. Hung over and dealing with a flat. I even had to buy a new tire because my spare is one of those donuts that you can only drive 30 miles an hour on.
*sigh* I was sort of hoping that my flirtfest would spur J's interest. But I should know better. I don't think he got remotely jealous or anything. In fact I think he bought some other girl a drink.
Playing these games sucks. I just want it to be clear. I want it to be over or I want it to be something. Unfortunately I think it is clear that he doesn't want me. Not for sex anymore and not for anything else either.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Arm Yourself Because No One Else Here Will Save You
I've got a couple of guy friends who are going to meet me there. That, while not the same as a girl friend to dance with, is going to have to be good enough.
Hopefully this is true for me:
"It Ends Tonight"
All American Rejects
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends
Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
Hopefully this is true for me:
"It Ends Tonight"
All American Rejects
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends
Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men
The plan was to go out on Friday and use it as an opportunity to suss out J and more than likely end it with him.
I convinced a girl friend of mine to come with me. I was looking forward to having the refuge of a girl's night. It was fun the last time I thought I could manage again. I was excited about it until today. Now I'm dreading.
I dreamt about him last night. We were out with people. Really and truely out with him. We were having dinner with another couple that we know. He alternately had his hand on my leg or holding my hand under the table. Then we went off together he teased me about not being in his class anymore. I started fall as we were heading down the stairs but he caught me in his arms and kissed me. Then we started making out on a couch (what can I say it was a dream!)
Yet again it drives home the fact that I want what J doesn't want to give.
I'd rather just let this fade away really. Just stop seeing him. Let all the feelings fizzle. And if he did call just say "too late."
Now my girl friend can't make it.
So why don't I just not go? I feel this stupid sense of obligation because I told other people that I would be there. If they don't show up that's fine, but if they get there and are looking for me...I'd feel bad.
I don't know. Maybe it's better to get it over with. It just seems like two weeks of silence from him isn't enough to bitch about.
It doesn't help that I drove by the X on Tuesday night. He was walking with a girl and holding her hand. He never held my hand when we were on campus. He was so uptight about getting into trouble for dating someone in the program he was an adjunct instructor for.
I convinced a girl friend of mine to come with me. I was looking forward to having the refuge of a girl's night. It was fun the last time I thought I could manage again. I was excited about it until today. Now I'm dreading.
I dreamt about him last night. We were out with people. Really and truely out with him. We were having dinner with another couple that we know. He alternately had his hand on my leg or holding my hand under the table. Then we went off together he teased me about not being in his class anymore. I started fall as we were heading down the stairs but he caught me in his arms and kissed me. Then we started making out on a couch (what can I say it was a dream!)
Yet again it drives home the fact that I want what J doesn't want to give.
I'd rather just let this fade away really. Just stop seeing him. Let all the feelings fizzle. And if he did call just say "too late."
Now my girl friend can't make it.
So why don't I just not go? I feel this stupid sense of obligation because I told other people that I would be there. If they don't show up that's fine, but if they get there and are looking for me...I'd feel bad.
I don't know. Maybe it's better to get it over with. It just seems like two weeks of silence from him isn't enough to bitch about.
It doesn't help that I drove by the X on Tuesday night. He was walking with a girl and holding her hand. He never held my hand when we were on campus. He was so uptight about getting into trouble for dating someone in the program he was an adjunct instructor for.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Self Medicating
Cheese, crackers, and beer.
It was supposed to be Cabernet, but guess who forgot to bring a corkscrew to her new place? That's right, me. I'm hoping the beer will help me sleep. I know it's not the best plan, but it's better than unisom. It makes me groggy in the morning.
I am doing alright - I am still overwhelmed with work and very behind. But it's a load off knowing that I plan on leaving. I wish I had listened to my gut and the rest of my body when it broke down and I was so overwhelmed emotionally at the idea of taking this job. If it truely were the right fit I would have been excited about it not crying for the two weeks before leaving my old job.
I have thought a little too much about J today. But it's only the first day after making the big decision. I feel good about that. I just keep repeating to myself. "No J. Actually you aren't coming over soon." I had this thought about telling him/emailing him this news of a dance studio that just lost one of thier instructors, but who's classes are still on the schedule. I saw the owner at his club when I was there on Friday. It would be so easy for him to get an interview. But I refrained. Not because I don't want to help him. I do. I hate that my instinct is still to help him. I hate that in the face of overwhelming evidence that I mean nothing to him I still care enough that I would think of that for him. *sigh*
I didn't email him or call him to tell him my thoughts. I didn't look over when I saw him come in to the gym for his class at the gym today. He was running late I knew, but he wasn't going to aknowledge me why should I?
Still I'm not going to run away from him. The best remedy is for him to see that I'm fine without him. So when he does say, hey lets get together I can say fuck no.
Okay...enough J. Must go to sleep now. Too much to do tomorrow. I've got a bunch of programs for summer to plan, the deadline was yesterday, too bad I didn't know that sooner. I've got people to follow up with to get that done. I have a school visit in March I have to get back to the teacher about, I've got a computer class to teach and a staff meeting. And I was supposed to give feedback about students in the class I just taught. Blech. I forgot. Oh well. My co-teachers will have to fly without me. Frankly I don't think my opinion counts for much next to them anyway.
Bed time.
It was supposed to be Cabernet, but guess who forgot to bring a corkscrew to her new place? That's right, me. I'm hoping the beer will help me sleep. I know it's not the best plan, but it's better than unisom. It makes me groggy in the morning.
I am doing alright - I am still overwhelmed with work and very behind. But it's a load off knowing that I plan on leaving. I wish I had listened to my gut and the rest of my body when it broke down and I was so overwhelmed emotionally at the idea of taking this job. If it truely were the right fit I would have been excited about it not crying for the two weeks before leaving my old job.
I have thought a little too much about J today. But it's only the first day after making the big decision. I feel good about that. I just keep repeating to myself. "No J. Actually you aren't coming over soon." I had this thought about telling him/emailing him this news of a dance studio that just lost one of thier instructors, but who's classes are still on the schedule. I saw the owner at his club when I was there on Friday. It would be so easy for him to get an interview. But I refrained. Not because I don't want to help him. I do. I hate that my instinct is still to help him. I hate that in the face of overwhelming evidence that I mean nothing to him I still care enough that I would think of that for him. *sigh*
I didn't email him or call him to tell him my thoughts. I didn't look over when I saw him come in to the gym for his class at the gym today. He was running late I knew, but he wasn't going to aknowledge me why should I?
Still I'm not going to run away from him. The best remedy is for him to see that I'm fine without him. So when he does say, hey lets get together I can say fuck no.
Okay...enough J. Must go to sleep now. Too much to do tomorrow. I've got a bunch of programs for summer to plan, the deadline was yesterday, too bad I didn't know that sooner. I've got people to follow up with to get that done. I have a school visit in March I have to get back to the teacher about, I've got a computer class to teach and a staff meeting. And I was supposed to give feedback about students in the class I just taught. Blech. I forgot. Oh well. My co-teachers will have to fly without me. Frankly I don't think my opinion counts for much next to them anyway.
Bed time.
For Better and Worse
Yeah, I'm doing this on work time when I should be doing something else...work maybe. But at this point I've really stopped caring. I've hit that point. Let them fire me. It would be a blessing.
Last night was a downer. I pretty much sobbed my eyes out and then was unable to sleep. I just can't believe the huge number of mistakes I have made in the past year.
I am too young to be this unhappy and too old to put off being happy much longer. My problem is that I don't know what will make me happy.
I do however know that this job is not making me happy. It isn't even tolerable. So I wrote my letter of resignation. I don't want to leave them hanging this summer since that is what I am planning right now so I dated it for the end of august.
I have no other plans right now. I will be sending resume's out this week and weekend. I might contact my old boss, and get an appointment with and advisor at the university to see what it would take to get a teaching certificate. I might even see about putting my resume in to some local community colleges for adjunct teaching. I need to re-contact the woman I had originally wanted to intern with this winter maybe she'd still take me on for the fall.
So possibilities abound if I can just figure out what I want to do with my life.
Last night was a downer. I pretty much sobbed my eyes out and then was unable to sleep. I just can't believe the huge number of mistakes I have made in the past year.
I am too young to be this unhappy and too old to put off being happy much longer. My problem is that I don't know what will make me happy.
I do however know that this job is not making me happy. It isn't even tolerable. So I wrote my letter of resignation. I don't want to leave them hanging this summer since that is what I am planning right now so I dated it for the end of august.
I have no other plans right now. I will be sending resume's out this week and weekend. I might contact my old boss, and get an appointment with and advisor at the university to see what it would take to get a teaching certificate. I might even see about putting my resume in to some local community colleges for adjunct teaching. I need to re-contact the woman I had originally wanted to intern with this winter maybe she'd still take me on for the fall.
So possibilities abound if I can just figure out what I want to do with my life.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
When darkness turns to light - it ends tonight
It ends tonight...
Those are good lyrics and I'm keeping them in mind.
As predicted J did not come over and as of yet I don't have an excusitory message on my phone either. I don't think I'm going to get one. His laundry list of things to do that he gave me on Friday told me he wasn't showing up. But still. Some mention that he's not going to would be nice....why am I expecting anything out of him when all the clues are given that I'm not going to get anything.
Today the pictures from the dance a week ago Sunday were put online. It's a funny little graphic representation of my evening.
No fucking wonder J chose to dance with her. For fuck's sake. I am sure that I was morose and looking away trying not to see J somewhere else on the dancefloor. But gosh, who would you rather dance with - laughing-smiling-dancing girl or standing-in-a-corner-feeling-sorry-for-herself girl?
Anyway...I am fairly sure that I have blown it with J big time. If I had spoken up when we first started. Like the 2nd time we did it - which happens to be my favorite memory of us outside of dancing with him - maybe we could have managed to at least go out once or twice before I gave up on him.
Regardless...it's over now. I will hear from him for work and other than that I am done. No more obsessing, no more questioning. No more being at his beck and call. No more extending invites that are turned down or ignored.
No More.
Those are good lyrics and I'm keeping them in mind.
As predicted J did not come over and as of yet I don't have an excusitory message on my phone either. I don't think I'm going to get one. His laundry list of things to do that he gave me on Friday told me he wasn't showing up. But still. Some mention that he's not going to would be nice....why am I expecting anything out of him when all the clues are given that I'm not going to get anything.
Today the pictures from the dance a week ago Sunday were put online. It's a funny little graphic representation of my evening.
- Me dancing during the lesson having fun.
- J dancing with someone I don't recognize- It looks like he's trying to teach her something.
- Sunday Girl I Hate dancing with someone I don't recognize - her hair is whipping around her, a huge smile on her face because she's laughing, her eyes squinched shut. She's having a good time even though I would at first glance think she's 15 years old.
- Me Standing in the background. Standing by myself looking away and down, One hand in my pocket and one foot crosssed over the other at the ankle.
No fucking wonder J chose to dance with her. For fuck's sake. I am sure that I was morose and looking away trying not to see J somewhere else on the dancefloor. But gosh, who would you rather dance with - laughing-smiling-dancing girl or standing-in-a-corner-feeling-sorry-for-herself girl?
Anyway...I am fairly sure that I have blown it with J big time. If I had spoken up when we first started. Like the 2nd time we did it - which happens to be my favorite memory of us outside of dancing with him - maybe we could have managed to at least go out once or twice before I gave up on him.
Regardless...it's over now. I will hear from him for work and other than that I am done. No more obsessing, no more questioning. No more being at his beck and call. No more extending invites that are turned down or ignored.
No More.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Endorphins are a scary thing
I woke up feeling nervous. As if I had sent the email I wrote last night. I had to keep telling myself I hadn't really.
I
got up and checked my email just in case. It contained a wake up call.
A comment on one of posts that reads "Really. Move on. Really." (Thanks
Urban Bourbon Ninja).
I went for a run. I didn't think I was going to do well today. I started
to warm up. I usually walk a couple of minutes, jog a couple of
minutes, stretch, walk a couple of minutes and then run for as long as
I can. I might turn it into a jog/run if it's an off day. Today though,
I walked for 5 minutes and only ran for 2 before starting to stretch. I
came up from a hamstring stretch and went to grab for my ankle for a
quad stretch when who is walking by - all bundled against the cold -
and out of the gym? J. I knew he was leaving - he must have had a
private lesson in one of the studios - if was staying he wouldn't have
had is coat, hat, etc on. But I was stillhopeful. He didn't see me. At least he didn't say hi. It was excellent motivation. My run ended up being a very good 20 minutes - 30 with a warm up and cool down - it was about 2.5 miles. I realize that I'm addicted to exercise
, probably more so that I am J. I feel great when I'm done. Like
everything in the world is okay, or going to be okay. That I'm good and
life is good and other people are good.
That's when I started
thinking about "Really. Move on. Really." I remember the X. I remember
how I sobbed for months was mopey and went through tons of chocolate
andjunk food before deciding on my Resolution to shape up. 3 months
later he was talking to me again, was telling me how great I looked. 3
months after that he was telling me we should get back together again.
Moving
on is the greatest revenge there is. Why care about someone who doesn't
care about you? As one of my co-workers would say - let it go.
Frankly,
my having feelings for J has little to do with this situation. He would
have asked me out by now if he wanted that, even before - the before I
hold on to as evidence of him liking me. Not giving out the right
"interested" signals is moot as well. I did a lot less with the X
before he asked me out. I have read the book twice - He's just not that
into you - why oh why does it not sink in?
So I'm not going to
send the email. What is it going to change? It'll only solidify the
rejection. I then began to think...if I don't want to give up the sex
and I KNOW he's not interested in dating me. What I really need are
some ground rules for thisarrangement. Or another guy to see on the side that will give me the emotional fulfillment that I need. - Or both.
Anyway...I'm not really sure how I came to the conclusion then that calling him and inviting him over on his voicemail was the best way to move on. There was some connection that made sense in my mind. Luckily I got him and not his voicemail.
I chickened out. Really really chickened out. I talked about work. Told
him I got his email and I could wait for him to let me know if he'll be
in town. And that was it. huh?
So then...somehow this near miss was not enough for me to move on. I texted
some friends and said I will be at this club at 10 come join me. J's
club. Right. Because this is going to help me move on. Really the idea
is to a) see if Sunday Girl is there b) see if they're dating if she is
and c) tell J that I don't want him to come over, unless it's on my day
off in the afternoon. (Because I some how think that if he came over on monday afternoon that I'd be able to talk to him. Not about my feelings but about the ground rules.)
Imaginary conversation if Sunday Girl is not there:
J: I can't come over tonight. Sorry.
Me: I know. I didn't ask you too.
J: (dumbfounded)
Me: But I'm wearing really sexy underwear, so it's your loss.
J: (laughing) well...
Me:
No really. I got to get up so early in the morning for a presentation.
Some other time. Soon. I promise. (Said with a smirk 'cuz that's what he does to me)
J: (Laughing - aknowledges the joke)
Me:
But you know I've got Monday off and I'll be home during the day doing
laundry and cleaning. I might be convinced to pull out even sexierunderware while the rest is in the wash....
J: (says something)
Imaginary conversation if Sunday Girl IS there:
J: I can't come over tonight. Sorry.
Me: I know. I didn't ask you to. Besides your girlfriend overthere might be mad at me if you did.
J: (some excuse about not being there with her)
Me: Really? So who would you get in more trouble with if I kissed you right now - your boss or your not date/girlfriend?
J: (He'll probably laugh and say my boss)
Me: That's a lie and you know it.
Another:
Me: How much trouble would you get in if I kissed you right here?
J: (some amount that's probably alot)
Me: Why? You've got not other students here. I'm not a "student" of yours anymore. Is it your boss?
J: (Himm and haww)
Me:
Oh, it's your date. That's so gentlemanly of you. I wish you'd been so
considerate of my feelings on Sunday when you were all over her in
front of me.
Then I walk away
Sigh...I got to go ready now. I am actually going. A friend called and said she'd meet me there.
I
got up and checked my email just in case. It contained a wake up call.
A comment on one of posts that reads "Really. Move on. Really." (Thanks
Urban Bourbon Ninja).
I went for a run. I didn't think I was going to do well today. I started
to warm up. I usually walk a couple of minutes, jog a couple of
minutes, stretch, walk a couple of minutes and then run for as long as
I can. I might turn it into a jog/run if it's an off day. Today though,
I walked for 5 minutes and only ran for 2 before starting to stretch. I
came up from a hamstring stretch and went to grab for my ankle for a
quad stretch when who is walking by - all bundled against the cold -
and out of the gym? J. I knew he was leaving - he must have had a
private lesson in one of the studios - if was staying he wouldn't have
had is coat, hat, etc on. But I was stillhopeful. He didn't see me. At least he didn't say hi. It was excellent motivation. My run ended up being a very good 20 minutes - 30 with a warm up and cool down - it was about 2.5 miles. I realize that I'm addicted to exercise
, probably more so that I am J. I feel great when I'm done. Like
everything in the world is okay, or going to be okay. That I'm good and
life is good and other people are good.
That's when I started
thinking about "Really. Move on. Really." I remember the X. I remember
how I sobbed for months was mopey and went through tons of chocolate
andjunk food before deciding on my Resolution to shape up. 3 months
later he was talking to me again, was telling me how great I looked. 3
months after that he was telling me we should get back together again.
Moving
on is the greatest revenge there is. Why care about someone who doesn't
care about you? As one of my co-workers would say - let it go.
Frankly,
my having feelings for J has little to do with this situation. He would
have asked me out by now if he wanted that, even before - the before I
hold on to as evidence of him liking me. Not giving out the right
"interested" signals is moot as well. I did a lot less with the X
before he asked me out. I have read the book twice - He's just not that
into you - why oh why does it not sink in?
So I'm not going to
send the email. What is it going to change? It'll only solidify the
rejection. I then began to think...if I don't want to give up the sex
and I KNOW he's not interested in dating me. What I really need are
some ground rules for thisarrangement. Or another guy to see on the side that will give me the emotional fulfillment that I need. - Or both.
Anyway...I'm not really sure how I came to the conclusion then that calling him and inviting him over on his voicemail was the best way to move on. There was some connection that made sense in my mind. Luckily I got him and not his voicemail.
I chickened out. Really really chickened out. I talked about work. Told
him I got his email and I could wait for him to let me know if he'll be
in town. And that was it. huh?
So then...somehow this near miss was not enough for me to move on. I texted
some friends and said I will be at this club at 10 come join me. J's
club. Right. Because this is going to help me move on. Really the idea
is to a) see if Sunday Girl is there b) see if they're dating if she is
and c) tell J that I don't want him to come over, unless it's on my day
off in the afternoon. (Because I some how think that if he came over on monday afternoon that I'd be able to talk to him. Not about my feelings but about the ground rules.)
Imaginary conversation if Sunday Girl is not there:
J: I can't come over tonight. Sorry.
Me: I know. I didn't ask you too.
J: (dumbfounded)
Me: But I'm wearing really sexy underwear, so it's your loss.
J: (laughing) well...
Me:
No really. I got to get up so early in the morning for a presentation.
Some other time. Soon. I promise. (Said with a smirk 'cuz that's what he does to me)
J: (Laughing - aknowledges the joke)
Me:
But you know I've got Monday off and I'll be home during the day doing
laundry and cleaning. I might be convinced to pull out even sexierunderware while the rest is in the wash....
J: (says something)
Imaginary conversation if Sunday Girl IS there:
J: I can't come over tonight. Sorry.
Me: I know. I didn't ask you to. Besides your girlfriend overthere might be mad at me if you did.
J: (some excuse about not being there with her)
Me: Really? So who would you get in more trouble with if I kissed you right now - your boss or your not date/girlfriend?
J: (He'll probably laugh and say my boss)
Me: That's a lie and you know it.
Another:
Me: How much trouble would you get in if I kissed you right here?
J: (some amount that's probably alot)
Me: Why? You've got not other students here. I'm not a "student" of yours anymore. Is it your boss?
J: (Himm and haww)
Me:
Oh, it's your date. That's so gentlemanly of you. I wish you'd been so
considerate of my feelings on Sunday when you were all over her in
front of me.
Then I walk away
Sigh...I got to go ready now. I am actually going. A friend called and said she'd meet me there.
Dear J
I'm sorry to put this into an email, I just don't trust myself to actually tell you in person. I'm afraid that I would chicken out like I have done so many times in these past months.
The truth is that I am more attracted to you than anyone else I have ever met before, but I also have feelings for you that go beyond just sex. When we started this over the summer I had the impression that you liked me too. Over time I've seen that change. I told myself you were just too busy and not to take it personally. But then my calls, texts, and emails go unanswered, I hear from M_____ how you guys went out, and I see you take other girls phone numbers right in front of me. I made excuses for it before, but now I feel like unless you are horny you don't notice my existance.
Maybe I've given you the wrong impression. I've never had casual sex before this. But all summer I wanted you so badly that I let my body over-rule my brain that day in your car. I kept hoping sex would lead to something more. I know I can be quiet and reserved. When I'm near you I still get these fluttery butterfly feelings in my stomach and my brain stops working. I find it better to just shut up and walk away than get flustered. I also don't know how to act around you in public places like the gym or at your club. I want to be affectionate with you but because you work there didn't want to get you into trouble. Instead I just sit on the side and watch you flirt with everyone else.
The last time when I was at your club and you thought I wanted you to come over. I was really thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you and wondering what your reaction would be if I did right there next to the dance floor. But I chickened out.
I can't any more after Sunday's social. I try hard not to be jealous over you. I know that dancing with lots of girls is the point of a social and that it's your job elsewhere, but I saw you with the girl you met--the one you danced with all night. I happened to be standing right next to the pen she used to give you her number and email address. Later you seemed so into her that I felt like I was interrupting a date when she walked up and you apologized for having to dance with me.
I really wanted to leave then and there it hurt so badly seeing you with her the way I wish you were with me. The very worst part was realizing that you must not give a shit about me at all if you think it's okay to sleep with me on occasion and still act that way right under my nose. Have I just become a sex toy for you take out when you want and not be seen or heard from when you don't? I would have NEVER taken a guy's number or a date in front of you. I can't believe you have no problem with it.
You were so nice over the summer. I really got the impression that you were interested in me. We danced so much and you thought I could help you with one of your classes, if you said "I'll call you tuesday" you really did, and once you even kissed in public . I don't really understand what happened. Was it an act to lure me in? Should I have shown you more how I felt, told you even? Or have you been a player this whole time and I didn't notice?
I know this is alot of info all at once. I think if you had wanted to date me you would have asked, so I don't really know what to do now. On the one hand I don't want to NOT be with you, but I don't really know how I can be if you don't realize that I'm not just a body to fuck, I'm a person with feelings.
Take Care,
Free to Just be Me
The truth is that I am more attracted to you than anyone else I have ever met before, but I also have feelings for you that go beyond just sex. When we started this over the summer I had the impression that you liked me too. Over time I've seen that change. I told myself you were just too busy and not to take it personally. But then my calls, texts, and emails go unanswered, I hear from M_____ how you guys went out, and I see you take other girls phone numbers right in front of me. I made excuses for it before, but now I feel like unless you are horny you don't notice my existance.
Maybe I've given you the wrong impression. I've never had casual sex before this. But all summer I wanted you so badly that I let my body over-rule my brain that day in your car. I kept hoping sex would lead to something more. I know I can be quiet and reserved. When I'm near you I still get these fluttery butterfly feelings in my stomach and my brain stops working. I find it better to just shut up and walk away than get flustered. I also don't know how to act around you in public places like the gym or at your club. I want to be affectionate with you but because you work there didn't want to get you into trouble. Instead I just sit on the side and watch you flirt with everyone else.
The last time when I was at your club and you thought I wanted you to come over. I was really thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you and wondering what your reaction would be if I did right there next to the dance floor. But I chickened out.
I can't any more after Sunday's social. I try hard not to be jealous over you. I know that dancing with lots of girls is the point of a social and that it's your job elsewhere, but I saw you with the girl you met--the one you danced with all night. I happened to be standing right next to the pen she used to give you her number and email address. Later you seemed so into her that I felt like I was interrupting a date when she walked up and you apologized for having to dance with me.
I really wanted to leave then and there it hurt so badly seeing you with her the way I wish you were with me. The very worst part was realizing that you must not give a shit about me at all if you think it's okay to sleep with me on occasion and still act that way right under my nose. Have I just become a sex toy for you take out when you want and not be seen or heard from when you don't? I would have NEVER taken a guy's number or a date in front of you. I can't believe you have no problem with it.
You were so nice over the summer. I really got the impression that you were interested in me. We danced so much and you thought I could help you with one of your classes, if you said "I'll call you tuesday" you really did, and once you even kissed in public . I don't really understand what happened. Was it an act to lure me in? Should I have shown you more how I felt, told you even? Or have you been a player this whole time and I didn't notice?
I know this is alot of info all at once. I think if you had wanted to date me you would have asked, so I don't really know what to do now. On the one hand I don't want to NOT be with you, but I don't really know how I can be if you don't realize that I'm not just a body to fuck, I'm a person with feelings.
Take Care,
Free to Just be Me
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Mixing Business with Pleasure
I don't know what to do.
J did email me back finally about the program he's supposed to do for me in May. He won't know for another couple of weeks and would rather I hold off booking somebody else because he does want to do it.
I don't want to screw him out of a job just because he's not interested in me. Wait, yes I do. Well, the malicious part of me does. The too-nice part of me doesn't. The hurt part of me doesn't want him there just because I don't want to be around him. The cynical part of me doesn't want him there because it thinks he's only interested in getting the money for it.
I wrote a hugely long email. 900-1000 words. Hugely long. Detailing how I feel, have felt this whole time, the clues he gave that he liked me back, the clues he's given me that he doesn't give two shits about me if I'm not naked or willing to get naked very quickly. And how those clues make me feel. I also mention that maybe I've given the wrong signals about not being into him and explained those away. Then I proceed to tell him that I don't want to play a woman scorned so he can still do the program for me if he really wants it still.
I haven't sent it. Because
I wonder if I could just condense it so it wasn't so freakishly long. Then maybe I'd send it.
J did email me back finally about the program he's supposed to do for me in May. He won't know for another couple of weeks and would rather I hold off booking somebody else because he does want to do it.
I don't want to screw him out of a job just because he's not interested in me. Wait, yes I do. Well, the malicious part of me does. The too-nice part of me doesn't. The hurt part of me doesn't want him there just because I don't want to be around him. The cynical part of me doesn't want him there because it thinks he's only interested in getting the money for it.
I wrote a hugely long email. 900-1000 words. Hugely long. Detailing how I feel, have felt this whole time, the clues he gave that he liked me back, the clues he's given me that he doesn't give two shits about me if I'm not naked or willing to get naked very quickly. And how those clues make me feel. I also mention that maybe I've given the wrong signals about not being into him and explained those away. Then I proceed to tell him that I don't want to play a woman scorned so he can still do the program for me if he really wants it still.
I haven't sent it. Because
- That's like 3 typed pages of email and that's alot to consider all at once
- It seems like email is the coward's version of confrontation (even though the ensuing rejection is alot easier to take)
- I still want to be with him physically, but I can't put that in the email where I'm spilling my guts out about having feelings for him.
- I'll be embarrassed
- It's suddenly starting to seem silly - like I should stick to my original cold turkey plan until our class trip - but I'm afraid I won't do it in person
- 900 words in an email is really way too long
- I don't really know what I want or expect his answer to be
- I'm just as afraid of him saying okay lets go out as I am that he won't ever want to see me again
- The worst reaction would be "awww. that's so cute, but I don't share your feelings"
I wonder if I could just condense it so it wasn't so freakishly long. Then maybe I'd send it.
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