Mixing Business with Pleasure

I don't know what to do.

J did email me back finally about the program he's supposed to do for me in May. He won't know for another couple of weeks and would rather I hold off booking somebody else because he does want to do it.

I don't want to screw him out of a job just because he's not interested in me. Wait, yes I do. Well, the malicious part of me does. The too-nice part of me doesn't. The hurt part of me doesn't want him there just because I don't want to be around him. The cynical part of me doesn't want him there because it thinks he's only interested in getting the money for it.

I wrote a hugely long email. 900-1000 words. Hugely long. Detailing how I feel, have felt this whole time, the clues he gave that he liked me back, the clues he's given me that he doesn't give two shits about me if I'm not naked or willing to get naked very quickly. And how those clues make me feel. I also mention that maybe I've given the wrong signals about not being into him and explained those away. Then I proceed to tell him that I don't want to play a woman scorned so he can still do the program for me if he really wants it still.

I haven't sent it. Because

1. That's like 3 typed pages of email and that's alot to consider all at once
2. It seems like email is the coward's version of confrontation (even though the ensuing rejection is alot easier to take)
   
3. I still want to be with him physically, but I can't put that in the email where I'm spilling my guts out about having feelings for him.
4. I'll be embarrassed
   
5. It's suddenly starting to seem silly - like I should stick to my original cold turkey plan until our class trip - but I'm afraid I won't do it in person
6. 900 words in an email is really way too long
7. I don't really know what I want or expect his answer to be
8. I'm just as afraid of him saying okay lets go out as I am that he won't ever want to see me again
9. The worst reaction would be "awww. that's so cute, but I don't share your feelings"
   

Arghhhh....I don't know what to do. Send it and get it off my chest with the very real possibility that a week ago was the last time I'll get to be with J. Or don't send it and keep living like this "knowing" I'm only occasionally sleeping with a guy who doesn't really care about me.

I wonder if I could just condense it so it wasn't so freakishly long. Then maybe I'd send it.