White Flag

Friday Night:
I went out to dinner with a girlfriend from there I went straight to J's club. I was expecting to have arrived late it was after 10 but nothing had started yet. I arrived at the same time as a friend from one of my dance classes so we went in together and were met by a friend of his who I also know from the dances I go to.

We hung out at the bar talking. Watched the performance and the lesson. My college buddy (CB) showed up after. I think he'd already been drinking alot or he was high. I danced with him first and realized that inviting him was probably a mistake. He is a dear friend and he claims to have had a good time, but dancing didn't seem to be his strong suit. And I felt bad for not hanging out with him much while he was there.

J asked me to dance and we got through like maybe one minute when my shoe broke. That pair apparently is cursed. So he picked me up and carried me off the dance floor. It was just like the dream I had a few days ago (without the making out).

I ended up drinking alot. I had a drink at dinner (one of those Frau-Frau things with 4 or 5 different kinds of alcohol), a mojito when I arrived, and my class friend bought me sangria, another guy who accidental smacked me on the dance floor bought me another, and then my class friend bought me my fifth. I was done in. I was drunk. I have not been that ill since the New Years after the X broke up with me.

I danced maybe 2 or 3 times again with J. Once we danced and I said thank you and walked away. I sat down with CB and he said to me "you have a lot of admirers in here." Now I think I was on Sangria #2 at that point, or at least finishing Sangria #1. I brushed it off, but then said "maybe, but not the right one" and almost started to cry. CB pegged right off that I had a thing for J. Now CB does not know the history of J and I. His take on the situation? J seems kind of shy. Those were his words. The whole time I'm sitting there trying to wipe a few tears away J is on the other side of the dance floor talking with his dance partner for the performance. I could have sworn he kept looking over at me. Maybe not, but I got the distinct impression that they were talking about me.

At one point I danced a cha-cha with my class friend and J moved to where he could watch us. We were the only ones on the dance floor. Cha-cha isn't very popular there (and yet the floor was packed for "stayin' alive"!).

I danced again with J after I talked to the DJ again asking for this specific artist of which he played 30seconds of a song by him before moving on. I was talking about how much I love the album bla bla and J busts out with "you're funny" I assume because I was drunk.

I even went up to his brother who works there. He's the bouncer who about a month ago had said he was going to ask me to dance but didn't. So when I asked him he said he couldn't.

I just ended up being flirty mcflirtson last night. And of course J never did say a word about "getting together."

I am not sure when I realized but it occured to me at some point that he's letting this fizzle. He asked how I'd been doing at the beginning of our first dance, but he didn't say anything about the fact that two weeks ago I invited him to come over. When I danced with him the second time - before my sad conversation with CB - I remember thinking that it was really over. Being drunk I also thought that maybe I'd be okay and could still be around him as friends. The sober me is thinking differently. I think I might have to go back to avoiding him. Even though I have been thinking of going back to his class this Tuesday.

Well, eventually the lights came up and my friends were heading out. I was obviously in no condition to drive. I argued for having one of them drive me in my car with the other following to take him back to his car after. But my class friend insisted I go get food.

When I'm drunk I'm fantastic as long as I'm doing something. Dancing or partying. As soon as it's over I nose-dive. I sat in CF's car trying so hard not to cry. I ended up in the bathroom of an IHOP sobbing. The girls there were really nice they kept asking if I was okay. I couldn't even contain myself when I was at the table with CF. It was so embarrassing. This isn't a guy I know super well. Here he was buying me breakfast at 3am trying to sober me up. Granted he also contributed to 2 drinks getting me to the state I was in - but I feel incredibly guilty about how much he must have shelled out last night. I tried to pay for my pancakes, but when I was on my second trip to the bathroom (this time not to cry) he paid and had my pancakes boxed up.

I eventually did get home in one piece, although I think technically shouldn't have been driving CF did follow me. My penance was that when I woke up 4 hours later to go to work I had a flat tire. That was not a fun morning. Hung over and dealing with a flat. I even had to buy a new tire because my spare is one of those donuts that you can only drive 30 miles an hour on.

*sigh* I was sort of hoping that my flirtfest would spur J's interest. But I should know better. I don't think he got remotely jealous or anything. In fact I think he bought some other girl a drink.

Playing these games sucks. I just want it to be clear. I want it to be over or I want it to be something. Unfortunately I think it is clear that he doesn't want me. Not for sex anymore and not for anything else either.