The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

The plan was to go out on Friday and use it as an opportunity to suss out J and more than likely end it with him.

I convinced a girl friend of mine to come with me. I was looking forward to having the refuge of a girl's night. It was fun the last time I thought I could manage again. I was excited about it until today. Now I'm dreading.

I dreamt about him last night. We were out with people. Really and truely out with him. We were having dinner with another couple that we know. He alternately had his hand on my leg or holding my hand under the table. Then we went off together he teased me about not being in his class anymore. I started fall as we were heading down the stairs but he caught me in his arms and kissed me. Then we started making out on a couch (what can I say it was a dream!)

Yet again it drives home the fact that I want what J doesn't want to give.

I'd rather just let this fade away really. Just stop seeing him. Let all the feelings fizzle. And if he did call just say "too late."

Now my girl friend can't make it.

So why don't I just not go? I feel this stupid sense of obligation because I told other people that I would be there. If they don't show up that's fine, but if they get there and are looking for me...I'd feel bad.

I don't know. Maybe it's better to get it over with. It just seems like two weeks of silence from him isn't enough to bitch about.

It doesn't help that I drove by the X on Tuesday night. He was walking with a girl and holding her hand. He never held my hand when we were on campus. He was so uptight about getting into trouble for dating someone in the program he was an adjunct instructor for.