Dear J

I'm sorry to put this into an email, I just don't trust myself to actually tell you in person. I'm afraid that I would chicken out like I have done so many times in these past months.

The truth is that I am more attracted to you than anyone else I have ever met before, but I also have feelings for you that go beyond just sex. When we started this over the summer I had the impression that you liked me too. Over time I've seen that change. I told myself you were just too busy and not to take it personally. But then my calls, texts, and emails go unanswered, I hear from M_____ how you guys went out, and I see you take other girls phone numbers right in front of me. I made excuses for it before, but now I feel like unless you are horny you don't notice my existance.

Maybe I've given you the wrong impression. I've never had casual sex before this. But all summer I wanted you so badly that I let my body over-rule my brain that day in your car. I kept hoping sex would lead to something more. I know I can be quiet and reserved. When I'm near you I still get these fluttery butterfly feelings in my stomach and my brain stops working. I find it better to just shut up and walk away than get flustered. I also don't know how to act around you in public places like the gym or at your club. I want to be affectionate with you but because you work there didn't want to get you into trouble. Instead I just sit on the side and watch you flirt with everyone else.

The last time when I was at your club and you thought I wanted you to come over. I was really thinking about how much I wanted to kiss you and wondering what your reaction would be if I did right there next to the dance floor. But I chickened out.

I can't any more after Sunday's social. I try hard not to be jealous over you. I know that dancing with lots of girls is the point of a social and that it's your job elsewhere, but I saw you with the girl you met--the one you danced with all night. I happened to be standing right next to the pen she used to give you her number and email address. Later you seemed so into her that I felt like I was interrupting a date when she walked up and you apologized for having to dance with me.

I really wanted to leave then and there it hurt so badly seeing you with her the way I wish you were with me. The very worst part was realizing that you must not give a shit about me at all if you think it's okay to sleep with me on occasion and still act that way right under my nose. Have I just become a sex toy for you take out when you want and not be seen or heard from when you don't? I would have NEVER taken a guy's number or a date in front of you. I can't believe you have no problem with it.

You were so nice over the summer. I really got the impression that you were interested in me. We danced so much and you thought I could help you with one of your classes, if you said "I'll call you tuesday" you really did, and once you even kissed in public . I don't really understand what happened. Was it an act to lure me in? Should I have shown you more how I felt, told you even? Or have you been a player this whole time and I didn't notice?

I know this is alot of info all at once. I think if you had wanted to date me you would have asked, so I don't really know what to do now. On the one hand I don't want to NOT be with you, but I don't really know how I can be if you don't realize that I'm not just a body to fuck, I'm a person with feelings.

Take Care,
Free to Just be Me