Good days gone Bad

Big dance weekend. I managed to get off of work by taking last weekend and working a million hours without a day off. There are lessons all day Sat and Sun with dances in the evening. I have been so excited about it and really looking forward. I wondered if J would show up on the Saturday for one or two, but wasn't minding that either. I thought it would be kind of nice and maybe I'd work up the nerve to ask him if he wanted to get something to eat afterward.

Wow, how quickly my excitement turns into shitty-ness. I saw him drive into the parking lot as I was walking in in the morning. I was waiting to sign up and I look at the girl in front holding up the line because she wants to pay with a check. I could tell it was her first by the hair, then the bracelets and bare midrift. Yep, it was Sunday Dance Girl.

They spent the whole time together. He said hi to me when he signed in and paid and he said hi again before the break asking about my shoes. That was it. Oh, except for when he asked me where a fast-food restaurant was as the two of them walked to his car. Yeah, nothing for me thanks, I don't eat. (I had actually been practicing what I would have said if he'd asked me to go with them anywhere - at the time I thought we got an hour break, but we got half - which was "oh no thanks, I don't want to be a third wheel. Thanks tho") Oh, he did say hi when we were getting water together once before asking about my shoes. He told me I missed a good night last night (at the club he works at). He danced with two girls at once. I looked at him blankly, I didn't recognize thier names. It was the girl he was with and somebody else. Great. Reason #512 why I won't be going back there. What I should have said was "it sounds like you had a good night last night." But I didn't think of it until later.

After the break he partnered her in the partnerwork classes and when the leads were supposed to move down one, he didn't. WTF? I get stuck dancing with two or three crazy old geezers who shouldn't be doing advanced partnerwork she gets J the whole class.

Then he left. He was there one minute and the next he was gone. Very weird. She stayed for the ladies class at the end. I got through part of it, but was so depressed I left. That and my feet hurt.

I started composing yet another heartfelt eamil about how I couldn't be casual with him and see him with other girls and explaining that I was so shy and nervous around him I couldn't be so friendly, friendly like they were today. She kept poking him in the chest with her elbows and stuff. I swear to god they were talking about me at one point too. I know I should be so self-consious, but I would swear that they were looking in my general direction and he was pointing me out to her. That was the class before he came over to ask about my shoes though.

And then I called him. Yep. I did. I'm not really sure what pursuaded me to do it. I wasn't going to leave heartfelt on his voicemail. I just wanted to ask him if he was going to the dance tonight. I've been trying to decide whether to go this dance tonight. I don't want to drive there and back tonight and do it again for the classes in the morning. A friend who leaves near is going to let me crash with her though. I guess I'm feeling guilty because I'm not being friendly friendly with him. I mean, what's wrong with me that when I like someone I run away, I clam up and can't function correctly? This reminds me of the fall with Pink Sweatsuit Girl who used to wait after class to dance with him. Then she seemed to disapear and he came back to coming around to mine.

Anyway he's not going to be there. He's got to work. But he said he'd be at the classes tomorrow.

This is what I don't get....His comment about me missing a good night at the club, telling me he's be there tomorrow and asking me if I would be all implies that he at least considers me a friend - he doesn't totally disregard me. But if that's the case, why is it okay to use me to get off with when he's not got anyone else?

Oh how I wish I didn't like him. I wish I could really be objective and see his shitty behavior and say, hey, this is not good for me I will not partake of it. But I don't. I actually like him.

Fictional 14 year-old's mom said to her:

You have to decide what you want, ask for it and either get it or if he doesn't want the same thing as you , you have to accept it. Life is for the brave.

I know this. I've known this for 10 months. Why can't I be brave?