Stunted

I realize that maturity-wise I am at least 10 years younger than my physical age. Looks-wise as well, but most people would call that a blessing. When I'm 40 and older that might be the case, right now as I try to be a professional among a bunch of middle-aged women and set myself apart from the teen-agers I work with, it is decidedly not a blessing.

I was working with my teen council yesterday and was on a school visit today. I realized that the love/hate relationship I have with them (I dread going, but enjoy it when more than 1 kid shows up and end up having very positive experiences) is because while I have been alive for 10 to 15 years longer, essentially I think alot like them.

I really believe that, developmentally, I shut off around the age of 11 and didn't really turn on again until 18. I lived in a shell for years just trying to get through life without anyone noticing me. It worked too. I had no friends. No life outside of school or home. It's sad and pathetic really.

It wasn't until I went on study abroad a few years ago that I started my teen-age years - going out, dating, having more than one friend, and now I'm on to the I don't know what to do with myself college years (despite having a BA, 2 Masters and a graduate certificate already - that's just my version of changing my major 3 times). I really just don't know what I want to do with my life. My hobbies are always changing. Books and school are about the only things that have ever remained constant.

Which is why, after yet another person in my dance class mistook me for a highschooler, I thought, what would be so bad with just starting over? Everyone thinks I'm 18 at first glance anyway. They wouldn't know I was ten years older than that unless I tell them. I tested it at the hairdresser's last week. I made up a fictional life of a twenty year old quite convincingly.

I know I just got out of school. I know I just moved out on my own. But it really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I know I'm weird. And I complained while I was there, I was glad to be done when I graduated, but I am happiest when I am in school. Taking classes, writing papers, reading books (not that I ever really did my reading). I can't imagine teaching is the same. But I have been giving serious consideration to going and getting my teaching certificate. The idea of student teaching gives me the heeby-jeebies though. Especially in the city - those kids would eat me alive.

Or to go back and get a BA in dance. That would be fun.

I think that's one of the main reasons I chose to move onto campus even though I graduated and took a different job. I don't want to be away from young college life. I'm like a Lost Boy being afraid of growing up.

I am signing up for a Spanish class at a local community college. I also think I am going to apply there for a part-time adjunct position. It might stave off the hunger for academia for a bit.