Endorphins are a scary thing

I woke up feeling nervous. As if I had sent the email I wrote last night. I had to keep telling myself I hadn't really.

I
got up and checked my email just in case. It contained a wake up call.
A comment on one of posts that reads "Really. Move on. Really." (Thanks
Urban Bourbon Ninja).

I went for a run. I didn't think I was going to do well today. I started
to warm up. I usually walk a couple of minutes, jog a couple of
minutes, stretch, walk a couple of minutes and then run for as long as
I can. I might turn it into a jog/run if it's an off day. Today though,
I walked for 5 minutes and only ran for 2 before starting to stretch. I
came up from a hamstring stretch and went to grab for my ankle for a
quad stretch when who is walking by - all bundled against the cold -
and out of the gym? J. I knew he was leaving - he must have had a
private lesson in one of the studios - if was staying he wouldn't have
had is coat, hat, etc on. But I was stillhopeful. He didn't see me. At least he didn't say hi. It was excellent motivation. My run ended up being a very good 20 minutes - 30 with a warm up and cool down - it was about 2.5 miles. I realize that I'm addicted to exercise
, probably more so that I am J. I feel great when I'm done. Like
everything in the world is okay, or going to be okay. That I'm good and
life is good and other people are good.

That's when I started
thinking about "Really. Move on. Really." I remember the X. I remember
how I sobbed for months was mopey and went through tons of chocolate
andjunk food before deciding on my Resolution to shape up. 3 months
later he was talking to me again, was telling me how great I looked. 3
months after that he was telling me we should get back together again.

Moving
on is the greatest revenge there is. Why care about someone who doesn't
care about you? As one of my co-workers would say - let it go.

Frankly,
my having feelings for J has little to do with this situation. He would
have asked me out by now if he wanted that, even before - the before I
hold on to as evidence of him liking me. Not giving out the right
"interested" signals is moot as well. I did a lot less with the X
before he asked me out. I have read the book twice - He's just not that
into you - why oh why does it not sink in?
So I'm not going to
send the email. What is it going to change? It'll only solidify the
rejection. I then began to think...if I don't want to give up the sex
and I KNOW he's not interested in dating me. What I really need are
some ground rules for thisarrangement. Or another guy to see on the side that will give me the emotional fulfillment that I need. - Or both.

Anyway...I'm not really sure how I came to the conclusion then that calling him and inviting him over on his voicemail was the best way to move on. There was some connection that made sense in my mind. Luckily I got him and not his voicemail.
I chickened out. Really really chickened out. I talked about work. Told
him I got his email and I could wait for him to let me know if he'll be
in town. And that was it. huh?

So then...somehow this near miss was not enough for me to move on. I texted
some friends and said I will be at this club at 10 come join me. J's
club. Right. Because this is going to help me move on. Really the idea
is to a) see if Sunday Girl is there b) see if they're dating if she is
and c) tell J that I don't want him to come over, unless it's on my day
off in the afternoon. (Because I some how think that if he came over on monday afternoon that I'd be able to talk to him. Not about my feelings but about the ground rules.)

Imaginary conversation if Sunday Girl is not there:

J: I can't come over tonight. Sorry.
Me: I know. I didn't ask you too.
J: (dumbfounded)
Me: But I'm wearing really sexy underwear, so it's your loss.
J: (laughing) well...
Me:
No really. I got to get up so early in the morning for a presentation.
Some other time. Soon. I promise. (Said with a smirk 'cuz that's what he does to me)
J: (Laughing - aknowledges the joke)
Me:
But you know I've got Monday off and I'll be home during the day doing
laundry and cleaning. I might be convinced to pull out even sexierunderware while the rest is in the wash....
J: (says something)


Imaginary conversation if Sunday Girl IS there:

J: I can't come over tonight. Sorry.
Me: I know. I didn't ask you to. Besides your girlfriend overthere might be mad at me if you did.
J: (some excuse about not being there with her)
Me: Really? So who would you get in more trouble with if I kissed you right now - your boss or your not date/girlfriend?
J: (He'll probably laugh and say my boss)
Me: That's a lie and you know it.

Another:

Me: How much trouble would you get in if I kissed you right here?
J: (some amount that's probably alot)
Me: Why? You've got not other students here. I'm not a "student" of yours anymore. Is it your boss?
J: (Himm and haww)
Me:
Oh, it's your date. That's so gentlemanly of you. I wish you'd been so
considerate of my feelings on Sunday when you were all over her in
front of me.
Then I walk away

Sigh...I got to go ready now. I am actually going. A friend called and said she'd meet me there.