I Could be a Politician

God how I keep changing my mind.

I've got an email written. 300 words. I kept it to the barebones without any mention of other girls, or how he's "wronged" me. Just how I feel and what I want. Which is somebody who wants me too.

And then I went to lunch feeling all depressed because I know that if I do have the courage to send it that's it. The end. I think I have one chance in a a few hundred thousand that he says oh joy lets go out. So I'm doomed to suffer.

Suffer if I send it. Suffer if I don't.

So I thought don't. I'm trying to imagine my odds of anything working out between us. I'm trying to think if I really want to be in a relationship with him of if I just want the excuse to sleep with him more often. Although, having said that, I really just want to spend alot of time with him. I guess that's the definition of dating. Going out, hanging out, spending time.

Blech. Sending an email is such a crap thing to do. I just don't know of any other way. I don't want to face the rejection face to face. I was steeling myself to ask him what his relationship is with BareMidriftGirl last night. It didn't work. I asked him if he was going out of town and if he'd gotten the party job or not. He did. It has occured to me that the day after I told him I would be a reference he told me he couldn't do my program...suspisous? Especially now that I know he's okay with lying to his students. hmm. Why do I like him so much again? What ever, I lie too sometimes. (Yes, boss, I am very sick today and come into work.)

I'm just so sick of Limbo. At least if I send it I'll know. And then I can really and truely avoid him. I wouldn't have to think that if I go somewhere to be around him that it would make a difference with him.