Self Medicating

Cheese, crackers, and beer.

It was supposed to be Cabernet, but guess who forgot to bring a corkscrew to her new place? That's right, me. I'm hoping the beer will help me sleep. I know it's not the best plan, but it's better than unisom. It makes me groggy in the morning.

I am doing alright - I am still overwhelmed with work and very behind. But it's a load off knowing that I plan on leaving. I wish I had listened to my gut and the rest of my body when it broke down and I was so overwhelmed emotionally at the idea of taking this job. If it truely were the right fit I would have been excited about it not crying for the two weeks before leaving my old job.

I have thought a little too much about J today. But it's only the first day after making the big decision. I feel good about that. I just keep repeating to myself. "No J. Actually you aren't coming over soon." I had this thought about telling him/emailing him this news of a dance studio that just lost one of thier instructors, but who's classes are still on the schedule. I saw the owner at his club when I was there on Friday. It would be so easy for him to get an interview. But I refrained. Not because I don't want to help him. I do. I hate that my instinct is still to help him. I hate that in the face of overwhelming evidence that I mean nothing to him I still care enough that I would think of that for him. *sigh*

I didn't email him or call him to tell him my thoughts. I didn't look over when I saw him come in to the gym for his class at the gym today. He was running late I knew, but he wasn't going to aknowledge me why should I?

Still I'm not going to run away from him. The best remedy is for him to see that I'm fine without him. So when he does say, hey lets get together I can say fuck no.

Okay...enough J. Must go to sleep now. Too much to do tomorrow. I've got a bunch of programs for summer to plan, the deadline was yesterday, too bad I didn't know that sooner. I've got people to follow up with to get that done. I have a school visit in March I have to get back to the teacher about, I've got a computer class to teach and a staff meeting. And I was supposed to give feedback about students in the class I just taught. Blech. I forgot. Oh well. My co-teachers will have to fly without me. Frankly I don't think my opinion counts for much next to them anyway.

Bed time.