The flip flopping continues

Didn't send the email. Don't plan on sending it. But I still can't go cold turkey. I don't know if it's because hope springs eternal or if I'm trying to be "mature" about the situation.

By definition J and are just Fuck Buddies. We have no relationship outside of occasional sex. It really shouldn't matter to either of us what the other is up to outside of that. But I do. The only way I'm ever going stop feeling this way is to stop seeing him all together.

In a couple of weeks. I'm going to go for a couple of more fridays. I really, really want to give myself the courage to say something that just aknowledges "the end." Because I can't handle it if I go ahead and distance myself only to have him booty call me in a few months.

But I especially wanted to have my birthday where he works. That's just over two weeks from now. I had been thinking I'd say something this friday. I was having such a good time on sunday night I told more than one person I was going. But why should I end it before I might get a birthday "gift." And if I don't then I know. I know for sure and I can walk away.

How long have I been saying this? Months I'm sure.

I'm also going back to his class. There are only two left that I don't work during. That last that I can go to falls right before my b-day celebration (although, after my actual birthday). I think it's a very good deadline, marking point.

I'm even going to hold myself to it this time. Even if I don't say/email anything. That is it. Now, if I can just stop the obsessing in the mean time.