Red Flag

I continue to be confused by K.

He stopped by my work yesterday. I thought he might since he's been saying he was going to stop in and say hi for as long as I've known him, but never has. I mentioned on Saturday when we were "hanging out" that I had to work. So lo, and behold, half an hour before we close he bumps into me (literally) and we chat. He wants my email address. About 15 minutes later he goes to say bye and I realize, since I'm closing up soon, maybe we can hang out afterwards.

I tell him that we close in 15 and does he want to get something to eat afterward. He says he'll wait for me outside. When I go out to see him, he says he can't eat with me he's got to go cook with family, but we can go somewhere for me. Hmmm...why'd he stick around then. We just walked for a bit and talked. He walked me back to my car and then we proceded to make out for awhile.

He told me a totally disturbing story about him confronting a bully about 10 years after the guy harrassed him. It stemmed from me talking about why I still see myself as a shy person. I never got to finish my thoughts, but he told me about threatening this guy in college to the point where the guy was seriously scared for his saftey.

Not a great story. Sure I was bullied in middle school and I can recall one girl's name, but I don't honestly think I'd recogonize them again if I met them. It's been 15 years after all. And if I did, what am I going to do? Tell them what they already know? That they were sad and pathetic for picking on someone weaker than themselves just to make them feel better about their own sorry lives? Who cares? We were kids. Yes it would be better if they hadn't done it, but what is threatening someone years later going to accomplish. Especially when they know what they did was wrong? Let their own conscience yell at them, let Karma, or God or whatever deal with them, I've got better things to do.

That was red flag number one.

Red flag number two. K continues to be enthusiastic about how much he likes me, to the point where he says he's embarrassed. It was cute the first time. Now, I feel like it's over the top. I get it, you like me. Have I told you to fuck off yet? No. So stop being so damn insecure.

Red flag number 3. Making out. He keeps saying that he's an affectionate guy that he says how he feels (oh really, that's why it took a year for you to ask for my number?) So he tells me how nice it is too hold me, how sexy I am etc. And while we're kissing, hever once tried to hide the fact that he was very turned on. And it seemed like he wanted to do more than kissing - it was practically foreplay. He gave me a little massage and I pretty much had to keep him from going any farther than just making out - as in deflecting hands from new place. I was having major flashbacks to J and I. Our first make-out session went very far and two days later we were in the back seat of his car. Look where that led me.

Red Flag number 4. Before the making out K said he didn't know where to go from here, or what to do next. I told him, well, you should call me, and we should go out sometime. He seemed to concure. But after the making out when he was leaving he says to call him. Call him any time. Huh?

I know it's stupid and very "rules" like, but I'm done with calling guys and asking them out. Done. All it did with J was give me a false sense that things were going the way I wanted. The same with the Jackass before him.

Call me crazy, or old fashioned but from now on I want a date, or three, before I start getting physical with someone. I'm not doing any more of this tripping over a guy and straight into bed with him.

Red Light, Green Light

What signals do I choose to heed and which do I figure are misleading?

When a guy close dances with you and asks for your number, then calls a week later to hang out that says to me that he likes me.

When I call him back and he says, call me when you want to hang, to me that says he's blowing me off.

When he says over and over how glad he is that I called him, that he wouldn't have shown up to a particular club if I hadn't been going, if he then talks to me for hours, and says he's embarrassed to say how glad he is that we got to hang out and then kisses me at my car, that tells me that he likes me.

When he sends me a text message at 4 am saying he's wanted to kiss me forever and that he's glad to finally be able to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am that he wants to see me soon - that tells me that he likes me.

When he says, again, to call him when I want to hang with him - that tells me that he's still playing it safe.

This is K. A guy I met a year ago and who I assumed had a girlfriend. He was always just friendly. He'd say hi, how's it going, and then go about dancing with other people. I'd usually have to corner him to get a dance. This whole time apparently he was just afraid that I wasn't interested.

To be fair for a very long time I was intently focused on J and I might well have turned him down. Even now, I'm a little hesitant.

Things have been weird with thinking that I'll run into J at any moment. If things don't go well with K (if I end up crushing his poor heart under my 3" dancing heels) how will I deal with the social fallout?

Also, I'm feeling that this might still be a symptom of feeling rejected - particularly now after the texting debacle with J, I wish I hadn't replied, I wish I hadn't replied with that reply, I keep wondering if he got the text because I haven't heard from him - and of seeing BMG in pictures on-line (there is one of her sitting - she's not even looking at the camera, it's just of her legs in that short white skirt. WTF?) and knowing how many guys are ga-ga for her. It's nice having someone who a) told me that I'm beautiful b) that he thinks so every time he sees me and c) how nice and non-stuck up I am (is it bad that I was thinking "ha! take that BMG!" in my head while he was saying this to me? and that if he knew my secret of being uber-catty he'd reasses that last one). I'm afraid that maybe I'm replacing the X - who is moving in less than a month and for whom my attraction is waning - with K. I'm afraid I would just use him to make J more interested in me.

I don't want to be a man eater. I don't want to lead this guy along. Especially if get the guts to pack up and move this winter. But it's nice to have someone that I like say these things to me. Maybe he's the one I need to get me over J, but is that really fair to K?

L has asked me out to dinner. I've been nice to him, and he's been talking to me at these clubs that I've been going to lately. He also texted me while I was on vacation. I texted him back last night. The club that I was meeting K at was dead (I ended up leaving with K and his friends and hanging out with them at somebody's house) and I was waiting for K to show up so texting was the natural fall back - that and the "Bubblesmile" game on my phone.

Today he emails me - maybe I want to try a new place on Wednesday and we can get dinner before hand. Sigh. I haven't meant to lead L on. It was just nice to talk and be friendly with him. I can't very well tell him, "Look, dating you will lead to fooling around, which I do not want to do with you. You're a bad kisser, it takes too long to get you off, and I'm not down with insulting you to turn you on." But I like him as a friend. Even a flirty friend.

It's funny. I'm obsessed with BMG and how "every" guy seems to think she's so hot. And when it comes down to it she only hangs with show off guy, and dances alot with the other guy (I have no good nickname for him) otherwise it's just the passel of other girls with Show Off guy. When I think about me - I can come up with 2 girls that I hang with one of whom is out of the country for a while and the rest are all guys - CF, CF's Friend, A (the very complimentary dancer who always tells me that I'm "all business" on the dance floor), K, L and more recently Older Inner Circle guy. So yeah, Younger Inner Circle guy takes her photo a ton, and she wears trashy clothes to show off her body - but I think it comes down to that old addage of girls not dressing up to impress guys, but to impress other girls. I wish I could believe the guys that like and compliment me to my face instead of my own head.

Unsubscribe me from your Booty Call List

I got better cell reception than the guides claimed when I was gone. I actually had a full set of bars sometimes. I wish I had just left the damn thing turned off though.

On day 2 I got a text message from J.

"Are you awake?" sent in the wee hours of the morning on the weekend.

Huh? At first I got all tingly and excited. It worked! I screamed in my head. Ignoring the bastard made him hot for me. He must have seen my wicked dance moves and realized that he must have me or else.

Yeah, the more I think about it the more I realize that he must have created a booty call group in his cell's phone book, texts it to see who's around and who responds. My guess is the fastest response and closest location gets the prize.

This realization makes me feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up again and for responding to the damn text. But I honestly thought for that amount of time that he had wanted me. Too bad I'm a complete moron and he's not replied to my reply. How often do I need to be rejected before I get the picture that J doesn't give an iota of a shit about me? He couldn't even remember to take me out of his booty call group. I'm sure he has by now.

The message I sent was just that I was out of town. Even though I was tempted to tell him to call me later, or ask what was up I didn't. Having days of non-response I've managed to stew alot and think of some better ways of responding if he sends one again. I considered something lengthy reminding hm that casual was not what I wanted, and didn't he think of me as just a friend anyway? But in the end my favorite is the "unsubscribe me from this booty-call list" because it says that I know what he's up to and that he's not getting any from me either.

Saturday Secrets

I thought I was in love J.

One part of my brain still says I am.
One part says don't be stupid, it is lust; a crush.
And one part says I hate him. For going from sleeping with me to ignoring me. For playing me so spectacularly, but still holding some incomprehensible fasination with me.

All I ever wanted

Vacation! Have to get away.


Right now I'm working on zero hours of sleep. I got home from the club at 2am had a good cry - finished watching a movie I'd started while working on my cute denim clam diggers, started blogging and then cleaning in prepation for -

a whole week out of here - no phone, no computer, no work. Just sunshine, mountains, water, hiking, horses, more sunshine and hanging out with family.

I have decided against sending J that text message. I'm glad I saved the draft and didn't have a "just go for it" moment. He had multiple occasions to engage me in conversation last night. He chose not to. If I had been so worried about what he thought of me ignoring him I would have gone up to him. But I didn't. As hard as it is to think that J doesn't want anything to do with me really, for what ever reason, then I've just got to live with it. Maybe over the next few months of running into each other occasionally hi how are you will turn into some better conversation, and maybe eventually I'll have the guts to dance with him again. Hopefully when that happens it's because I'm finally over him and dancing with him won't mean what it means now.

Like a compass

I don't know what it is. I can't figure out this weird new 6th sense I've got about J and where he's going to be dancing. I knew going to S___ Club Wednesday night that he wasn't going to be there even though I had seen him there the week before. And I also somehow knew that he would show up at the H_____ Club tonight. In the 6 weeks I've been going I haven't seen him there once.


Last week dancing with Show Off guy (the one with the huge following of women) he asked me where I learned. I think he comes to these clubs and shows off trying to get new clients (I've often wondered why J doesn't do something similar). I told him the truth - I know that Show Off Guy knows J. I saw SOG at J's club everytime I went. I had this idea in my head that SOG would go on Friday and mention our conversation at H____ Club and that J would show up knowing I was going to be there.

I can't say that that's how it happened, but J did show up. I wonder if he felt last Wednesday like I did tonight - looking up and seeing him in a place I was sure he never went.


Ever since I met J I've had an odd awareness of him. Like I can tell from afar if it's him walking on campus or not. I can tell by the body shape, the walk, the posture everything. So I only had see out of the corner of my eye him come into the club and pay the cover. At that point I became deeply engrossed in my conversation about the Beatles with a girl I sort of know. Even when I knew he was standing 4 feet to my left and that he had definitely seen me I didn't look up and acknowledge him. I steadfastly ignored him for at least 15 minutes. Which is impressive because H___ on Thursdays is not like S____ on Wednesdays - it's not crowded it has a large sized dance floor and all the seating is facing the dance floor including the bar. Mid-conversation about the beatles I got asked to dance, another guy I dance with on a regular basis was coming off the floor I quickly tapped him on the shoulder and said, save me the next one. I wanted to make sure that J saw me dancing with someone I know I dance well with. On about my 3rd or 4th dance that partner lead me over next to J and, guess, BMG dancing. I ignored them. But I did say hi to J after the dance was over since we were all exiting the floor and were standing in the same area. He said hi and we awkwardly hugged. He acted like he didn't really want to say hi to me. It was a weird exchange.

I pretty much ignored him the rest of the night too. It wasn't easy since I was at a table between where he was sitting at the bar (he didn't hang out with BMG and her elite gang) and the dance floor. I could feel him right behind me. I did talk to friends alot making a conscious effort not to turn around, but there were a few times when I was sitting by myself and he never came to talk to me. I did go to the bar a couple of times for coke or water and I made sure my path didn't go by him.

In the end though it was hugely dis-satisfying. I wish I could just be normal with him. I just don't know how.

I mean, I danced well, and there was more than once that I know he was watching me. I only saw him dance with BMG two, maybe 3 times although once - I know he was showing off - they did a lift. He tried that with me once a year ago before we started sleeping together. I wanted to just tell them both to grow up - it's not a ballroom competition it's a social dance.

I talked with L alot early in the evening - before J got there. I am amazed at how easy he is with me after the rejection I handed him. It is not unlike what J did to me. We fooled around, he said he wanted to date me and I said no that I didn't feel that way about him. Now 9 months later he's joking with me, flirting like mad. It's pretty crazy and I admire him for it. Because I can't even look J in the eye.

I sort of checked him out while I was dancing or I'd cast side-long glances while I was talking off the floor and he was dancing. I sort of wonder if L doesn't really want another chance with me. He told me once that he has a physical reaction to my presence. I think that it must be similar to mine when J is around.


It's strange because even though I was telling myself, don't be silly J's got no reason to go there. I still took extra special care with my appearance for the night - trying to get the casual/natural look. The longest part was my outfit really. I got old jeans at the Salvation Army cut the bottoms of the legs and the back pockets off. I rolled what was left of the bottoms up to my knees for the clam digger look. The back pockets had these horrible buttons on them, and I just would have taken the flaps off since they stuck out, but the buttons were so horrendous the whole thing had to go. That took forever. I paired it with a sky blue stretchy tank, also purchased at the Salvation Army earlier that evening which is shorter, but not mid-rift baring and I was wearing my new satin covered flesh toned shoes (to make the leg look longer). Then just natural make up, and air dried hair pulled up at the crown.

BMG on the other hand looked like a skinny Anna Kournikova. She was wearing an orange tank a few shades off from her skin color, and a short white skirt with a slit to the top of leg showing the built in boy shorts. It was a far cry from the jazz pants and black top I first met her in. I was glad of the contrast, because I was told by two guys that my out fit was cute, and that I was "rockin it" in my jeans. (I think the big blue patches on my ass where the back pockets where helped with that last statement). I was nice to BMG again tonight though - my guy friend mentioned "alot of guys think she's hot" and I when he didn't hear me say "I think she's built like a boy" I didn't repeat myself. I said, "never mind, I don't know her, and I don't want to be a person who talks that way."

I had a good time really (only a brief foray into the ladies for a cry after he'd gone without saying good-bye - but can you blame him for not wanting to approach an ice queen?). I danced with both Inner Circle guys - Older Inner Circle, and Younger Inner Circle. YIC took my picture early in the evening with L for their website, and was the one to make the "rockin" jeans comment. I think J saw me dancing with him. After the first dance after J got there which I was nervous as hell about - I calmed down and just thought fuck it - he's either watching or not and I couldn't let it affect my good time. So I didn't let it.

Except for the ignoring bit. I wonder if that's why he gave me an icy hi on the dance floor - because I had ignored him and last week at S____ club he had been normal and nice-ish to me. But I did say hi, and it's not like he couldn't have said hi to me, or asked me to dance - although I don't look forward to the first time that happens.

When I originally thought J might show up tonight, I had these fantasies of him asking to talk to me and taking me off in a corner where we would talk about stuff - he'd tell me misses me etc. The sad thing is I saw two different couples making out tonight. But J said exactly 2 words to me - Hi and Good (after I asked how he was).

I am an inch away from extending an olive branch. I want to text message him "Haven't seen you at H before. How did you like it?" He sat out for quite some time at one point. I just feel bad that he was sitting alone at the bar, BMG was with her Show Off Guy, not even SOG was sitting with J, and I was with my friends ignoring him. I know I shouldn't feel bad if he feels shitty, since he made me feel pretty shitty alot of the times. But I don't want him to think I'm bitter or a bitch. I also know I shouldn't care what he thinks of me. I just can't help it.

A part of me rationalizes it by wondering why can't just be mature about this. We had a fling, it's over, let's be fine with each other. We've seen each other naked, why can't we be comfortable around each other with clothes on now?
I wrote the text, but I didn't send it. I have it a saved message and will decide in the morning whether to send it or not.

Au natural:



I need to take the front pockets off too so that there is some consistency with the front and back, I just didn't have time tonight. I'll probably also remove the belt loops and add some kind of pretty silver or gold ribbon to the waistband to cover up the god awful button at the front and if it's wide enough cover up some of the wear on the top edges of where the pockets used to be. I patched the areas from the inside for now, but I'd like to cover them.

Ground me I'm having an Off Night

I had a good day at work. Something went right for a change and the teens I work with really seemed to enjoy the program I put together. I actually had more than 2/3 show up!

A night of dancing, however, didn't go as smoothly. For one J wasn't there this time. Again, my instincts had told me that already. That didn't stop me from looking though. I think that initially through me off. Then I slipped when I was being dipped by this one guy - I don't like dancing with him anyway, but I don't need him thinking I don't know what I'm doing - and he nearly dropped me. We stopped dancing after that. I was pretty much in a funk for most of the rest of the evening.

J may not have showed up, but one of the Inner Cirlce (as I like to call it) came in. It's the older guy, not the one who invited me to the BBQ. I didn't think he came to this place, but there was and he asked me to dance. I was really nervous because last thursday I thought I was horrid when I danced with him. To the point where I swear BMG who was sitting next to the dance floor laughed at me (even after I found her goddam earring for her). Add to that the fact that I was having an off night already, I thought for sure I would end up on my ass.

But it went all right for the most part. I guess I figured I couldn't get any worse. I fumbled a little bit, and he gave me a tip. Just to put a little more resistance in my arms. I guess I've gotten so used to dancing with the same guys all the time, I know their moves and can be a little more lax. It's the resistance in your arms and having a good frame that helps the leader get the message across. So I just firmed up a little bit and suddenly the dance was so much better. At least I felt it was. I stopped counting my steps for one, because I just kept thinking - firm, but not inflexible. I asked him afterward if that was better. He said it was and that I just needed some polishing.

It's similar to what my instructor told me earlier this week. I approached him about private lessons. Because if I get over the fear of doing what is expected of me and what a "safe" career choice is, and what my family will think, then I am going to pursue a spot at the Ballroom Dance Teachers College in January. Unless I can find a place that has openings after August (when I'm quitting my job) that will train me. I'd just like to have some more experience and a better foundation before then. This instructor is amazing, he has been dancing since he was young and teaching for more than 20 and think closer to 30 years. He is going to take me on - it's expensive, but I was going to take a grad class that would help me in my current job. But I hate my current job. I don't want to be at it anymore. So why spend the money on that?

He said that I have good movement and rhythm that I just need learn "grounding" once I get that I'll be "a good little dancer." I'm not sure what that last part is supposed to mean. Granted I'm short and petite, and he is quite a bit older than him. He probably thinks I'm 18. Still, it was a compliment. I know that much. Somehow things like that mean so much more coming from someone you admire.

I feel like a rough jewel all of a sudden - grounding and polishing - and I'll shine. (Ewww...that' was so kitch, pretend I didn't write it.)

Last Night

I was nice to BMG.

It was not the conversation I imagined where I was really nice, but at least I wasn't mean or spiteful or anything.

She lost and earring. She was soliciting people for help. I happened to see it. I picked it up and found her at the bar where she was asking them to keep an eye out for it when they closed. She hugged me.

I noticed later she had different earrings on. Who brings an extra set of earrings with them? Extra dance shoes? Yes. If you sweat an extra shirt is good, but earrings?

Anyway...I guess I'm on the road to not giving a shit about her or what she does or anything.

Lets be honest for a minute

Revenge? Please.

Drive him crazy? As if he gives a shit.

Last night was the first step in me slowly being driven insane because now I want to be around him again.

Blech.

Trust your instincts

8 hours later and I am so glad that I ran when I did.

My instincts were correct about seeing J for the first time since my email confession. It had to be dancing and the best time was now after my return from hiatus.

I had to work off my minor panic attack so I met some dancing acquaintances at a club I don't usually go to. I went once a year ago (almost exactly-quite possibly exactly) when L took me (well, he accompanied me there, he didn't pay or anything). A part of me had this feeling that J was going to be there. I don't know how or why. In the past he wasn't really a regular anywhere until he got a job at the place on Fridays, but that's work. I hadn't seen him at the social on sunday and I haven't seen him at the place on Thursdays either. So I just reasoned that he must go Wednesdays. Not that that guaranteed anything. And if I had true knowledge that he was going I probably wouldn't have.

I was really careful about how I dressed - low rise jeans w/ black belt and black halter top, top drop navel ring so yeah, I showed a little midrift at least it's not always, silver hoop earings and minimal make-up (always when dancing or else it'd be sweated off). L was standing at the bar when I walked in. I said hi to him. The first thing to come out of his mouth was "You look hot." He's always saying that. I realize if he can still be nice to me after I did to him what J did to me, then I too can suck it up and be nice to J.

I got there just as the lesson was finished, talked to a couple of people and out of the corner of my eye I see him walk in and pay the lady at the front. I am sure he saw me too, but it was such a split second glance that I easily made it look like I hadn't noticed him. And since you have to walk a good 6 or 7 feet from the bouncer to the hostess, I know he saw me long before I saw him.

For the whole evening I would give myself an 8 out of 10 for my level of "I don't care" casualness. I think J probably observed a 9 or 9.5. It made like I didn't know he was there for a good while. Until I went to the bar to get a drink and as I waited to be noticed by a bar tender a hand came to my waist. I honestly hadn't seen him come up, or if he had already been there. We gave perfunctory leaning side hug he said it had been a while and how was I. I said good and that was it. I moved to get a better spot at the bar and started talking to some old guy who reminded me of Ian McKellan, but not British. Later I was dancing with a guy who steered me right over to spot next to J. We then proceeded to have a great couple of dances - very good, very sexy, some dips, a few body rolls. I know J noticed. Ha! The only problem with this particular club is that it is small and popular. That makes the dance floor crowded and everyone is dancing. There is no real way to watch anyone as you're jam packed next to other couples. So I don't think that J got to see the real improvement I've made. I am sure it was a little evident, but not as good as if he'd come to one of the other places. I still give myself an 8 instead of a 9.6 or 10 because I did a little too much watching of him dance at one point it was a Reggaton song (booty shaking music) and the floor thinned out a bit and I watched him dance with an older lady. Then it was somebody's birthday dance and he ended up standing next to me in the circle watching. He gave me a side hug again asked me how I was, how was work. If I had just said, "oh, you know, it's work" and been done with it I could have given myself a 9.5 on my scale and congratulated myself, but I took to long to respond and the truth of "nyeh, not so good" and shrugged. I thought about asking him, but thought, I don't really want to. So I turned to the friend I had danced with last, and the one who invited me, and asked him something about the partner that the birthday girl was with. Then J touched me on the back and said bye before leaving.

End of encounter.

I did so fucking well. Like, amazingly amazingly well. No I didn't dance with him. I had thought that he was going to ask me at a couple of different times, but got blocked unintentionally by others. once I went to sid down with a group of guys I know, I think J was starting to come over when I got up and wedged myself between two of them. Mwahahahahaha. That was a good "look, I don't need or want you anymore, I've got plenty of guys that want my company instead" moment.

It was so much easier to be casual when I had something like dancing to focus on. I was nice. I neither ignored him nor was I attention seeking. It was good.

The sexy dancing with the one partner while J was near by was the hardest part I think. I can't help but still be attracted to him. It's just a strange chemical reaction that I can not explain. He's around me, I get aroused that's just how it goes. The guy I danced with, I have danced with before. He said that was the best one. Yeah no wonder. I was emboldened by the fact that J was near by. When the guy first lead me to a spot on the floor J was standing near by. So rather than stare at J, I looked at the guy I was dancing with. Well, duh. Not actually. I've never been good at looking my partner in the face while dancing. I look at our feet, or pick a spot on their chest, but I can't look him in the eye. I did with this guy. I needed something to focus on so my eyes didn't drift over to J. Well, the guy took it as a good sign and started going all sexy slow dips, body rolls and some other moves I know, but don't know the names of. It was a good dance and even though after I started dancing with the other guy J asked the older lady onto the floor I know that he saw it. It was almost like a dance off. We were both trying to show each other we didn't care what the other was doing. Ii may have been hard, but it was the highlight of my evening.

The other cool thing is that now that I've gotten the initial and meeting over with, I can go to the classes I want to when I want to and I won't feel obliged to avoid J. It just won't matter anymore.

I hope it won't matter anymore. I hope that if not that, then at least I took the first step to it not mattering anymore.


Oh who am I kidding? I am took the first step of driving him crazy with wanting me, by barely giving him the time of day. Ahh, revenge is so sweet.

Tonight I was the Bare Midrift Girl:

Scaredy Cat

I chickened out.

For all of my bravado and fantasies of acting normal. I chose my cutest work out outfit of black short shorts and loosish school logo t-shirt that matches the thin stripe of color in my sneakers. God, I even practiced a cheerful "Hi! How are you?" in the mirror so that it didn't look sad or forced. But I couldn't do it and I practically ran out of the gym ten minutes before 7 praying that I wouldn't run into him.

On my way home today I kept telling myself that all the guys in my life that have come back to me wanting to get back together are the ones I managed to stay "friends" with. I thought if I can just be friendly, normal and friendly that maybe in a month or two he'd tell me what I want to hear.

Maybe it's a good thing I ran away.


But I wanted to see him. I want to be normal with him. I want him to not ignore me anymore. I can't have that if I don't stick around to see him. I'm cursing myself for being a huge fucking coward.

Easy come easy go

As soon as I made other plans I felt better. It was like a weight had been sitting on my chest that just disapeared the moment I committed myself to not be at the gym to run into J.

The downside - I made plans with the X for dinner. We went to a diner just down the block from my apartment. Which meant he wanted to come back to my place afterward. Guess who's car was parked outside of my apartment building? J's. It seriously pissed me off. If he's not going to park in the parking lot why not take a meter that is closer to the gym? Why pick the one that I can practically see from my bedroom window? Just park in the goddam lot.

The X ended up leaving pretty early which was good - I wasn't into being with him. It was another grin and bear it times. I couldn't help thinking about the times I was with J in that bed. After the X left I quickly showered and went dancing.

CF has been trying to get me to go to a social dance on tuesdays for a while now. They play all the social dances there though and I don't know most of them. But I was talking to my instructor on monday night and decided to give it a try. I looked damn good and what with J's car being out front I was hoping that he would at least see me, but his car was still there and I don't think he was in it.

I ended up having a great time at the dance. I learned some new dances - the guys were completely willing to teach me the basics of some of the other dances. I totally forgot to even think about J until I got home and I took his spot out front. I was feeling awesome - total endorphin high. I had this stupid fantasy of being in class tomorrow and seeing J afterward and everything going uber-well. He'd ask me to stay for his class, I'd ask about the club - if the DJ got better or if they got a new one yet. I even had this crazy idea that I could even go back there now. I was planning on going out tonight to meet up with some people and I figured if I could get them to come out on Friday that it'd be a nice little buffer. Friday's are the one night I don't really get to dance.

Then I couldn't sleep and now I'm tired and irritable. I kept thinking I should call in sick today. I wish I had. I'm gonna leave early though. I'm not skipping my fitness class today. I don't care if I do have to see J afterwards. I'm tired of giving a shit about somebody who doesn't care less about me. If we say hi fine, and if we ignore eachother that's okay too. I'm just done with this.

You make me completely miserable

Why do I want somebody who makes me feel so crappy?

I flipped a coin. It was tails - don't go.

I hate the idea of not doing something I want to do in order to avoid him. But on the other hand am I going to get the most out of it if I'm preoccupied the whole time?

The only problem is a part of me is nagging me to go. Go - it says. You know you want to go. Part of me just wants to get it over with. Like a band-aid. I just wish there was a way of making myself look extra attractive after a work out.

I hate that the very idea of seeing him for a minute sends me into this tailspin of nerves and depression. It's all I can do to not cry at my desk right now. Which probably just proves I couldn't handle seeing him in person.

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

I'm at a loss for what to do.

I am back to being a melencholy mess at the very thought of running into J at the gym. How stupid is this? I was all excited at the prospect of him being at the dance - because I thought I'd rock and get to metephorically thumb my nose at him. Walking out of the studio room and right into him does not really make me quiver with anticipation.
It makes me nauceas with nerves.

I'm thinking I can skip going to the classes right before his on Tuesday and Wednesday and just work out on my own - though I know it won't be as good. I can start the class and leave 15 or 20 minutes early, go to a different part of the gym to work out on my own waiting until his class is in full swing before leaving. Or I can skip going to the gym all together.

I remember when I timed my workouts so that I did get to see him. I thought I was getting better, what with feeling like I wanted him to be at the dances. And when I've been at the gym this past month, I didn't get worried about bumping into him. But now the prospect is real.

I don't think that J's been giving me a first thought, much less a second thought, this whole time. But now that I might run into him I realize that I am way overly focused on what he'll think of me. If I say hi will he think I've still got feelings for him? If I don't will he think I'm ignoring him because I'm angry and bitter? Will he try to act normal like we used to or will he ignore me?

A part of me wants to see him so I can tell if maybe absence does make the heart grow fungus and I've no longer got the hots for him. The other part of me is petrified that all the attraction I felt for him will come rushing back the moment I see him.

Deciding whether or not to work out should not be this overwhelming a decision. Why can't I just live my life and not care what J thinks, not think about him at all?

At the gym yesterday the one class I wanted to go to was canceled because the instructor didn't show up. A bunch of us were standing around waiting. One of the girls I recognized from J's class last summer. Summer Class Girl. I remember being really annoyed by SCG last summer because she interfeared with my flirting with J. And then there was the one time last fall when she ran across the street to talk to him while I was with him, saying she was on her way to find him, he got her phone number and said he'd call her after he dropped me off. Then when he was taking me to my car he said something about how so many people know him and he wish he didn't run into them all the time - but he still called her after he dropped me off.

SCG was bubbly and talkative while we were waiting. She started chatting to me and this other girl I know about how she's got this crush on a guy and how can she find out if he has a girlfriend. The other girl and I said at the exact same time - "ask him." SCG kept prattling on about how it worked with a different guy before and how she hoped that by being forward this guy thought she was cool, but even if not she could handle the rejection.I thought it was interesting, considering my own situation and I couldn't help but start thinking of J. A part of me wondered if either of these guys she was talking about is him. She said she's moving in August. I thought, well if guy number two is J, maybe she's got a shot. Two months seems about his attention span for spending actual time with a girl.

I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. I can't help but think when I finally do run into him that I will end up coming across as upset, angry, mean and bitter. I wish he didn't have such an effect on me. I wish that he could disapear from my mind as easily I did from his.

My fantasy of the weekend was that J would be there at the dance. That we'd get to talk. That he'd take me outside, put his arms around me, tell me that he misses me, wondering if he made a mistake, wondering what we can do about it. I imagine BMG watching us leave and wondering what's going on. And that's when I realize that I can't trust a word that comes out of his mounth. I am 100% positive that I was not the only girl he was having sex with for the year that I knew him. I think that when I didn't "get together" with him for weeks on end it was because he had someone else to "get together" with. I think it was painfully obvious by the tone of his email from two months ago. It was just more of his BS - too busy, considers me a friend, wants things to stay the same. What a load of crap that was.

I don't think I would believe him if he did say all the things I'd like to hear from him. So why am I so conserned about a brief exchange while I leave the gym?

The Inner Sanctum

Saturday were the workshop classses. I was nervous for the first 15 minutes checking the door to see who was coming in. Neither J nor BMG showed. I think that was a good thing. I had a great time, learned loads and I didn't need to be self-consious at all.
That night I took it easy. I did go out, but watched more than I danced just to save my feet for Sunday. I ended up talking to this one guy alot of the time. I like dancing with him because he keeps it pretty simple - cool, but simple - and is always very complimentary. When he throws something new at me and I do it well, or if I throw in some styling he always says "Look out, Free Me, is all business tonight."

This Sunday was a year that I've been going out to dance outside of classes. The difference is noticable. Not only am I a better dancer, but my very first time out I only stayed a couple of hours and sat out as much if not more than I danced.
Now I think I sat down once and that was just to change my shoes.

BMG did show up for the Sunday dance. I did alot better about not thinking about her much. I made one snarky mental comment about her atrocious outfit and left it at that. I noticed later that J's other dance partner (his first one, the one I like alot better) had also come. They were buddy buddy and I tried to decide whether I should go talk to her. We had only ever talked at the club and I don't even think she remembers my name. But I decide to be nice and I said hi. I think she's a good dancer (she should be it's her major) but I don't really think she's great at the partner dancing. We talked about the workshops some and I said how great they were. She mentioned she noticed alot of the girls at this dance doing alot of styling. I have noticed this in her dances with J at the club - she's got the big tricks down - the splits, the shines, the flips and lifts - but the little touches she doesn't do. BMG does have that on her I have to admit. BMG can do both. So Dance Partner 1 (D1) and I chatted for a bit then I said bye to some others. BMG was near by, but since I've never been formally introduced to her or anything and she was talking to her mom I didn't say anything to her. Yeah, her mom. It's kind of cute actually - that is one of the ladies I've seen her with on Thursday nights.

On Saturday during the breaks one of the organizers - a great dancer who only ever asked me to dance two weeks ago - started talking to me. I know that he dances with and hangs out with BMG often so I never really thought he'd ever talk to me. At the end of the day we were chatting again and he invited me to a bbq. It was for guest instructors that rant he workshops. I didn't end up going but he even took me out to my car w/ his umbrella since I didn't have one. He talked to me on Sunday again and asked me to dance. I think he videoed me dancing with someone and definetly caught me downing a popsicle later in the evening. It's like I've finally been invited into the cool crowd or the inner sanctum that I've never been allowed to see before.

I'm actually a little disapoited that J didn't show up. One, I'd like him to see how much better I've gotten. And two, I dread the idea of running into him at the gym. Classes start again today and there are two I'd like to take, but they are in the same room right before his classes. Which means I would see him as I leave and he's setting up. At least at the dance I could have been doing something else, but to just walk by or walk out after a perfunctory hello is not how I wanted to interact with him for the first time after two months of silence. I feel like I'm back to avoiding him like I was for a couple of weeks in April, but not because I don't want to see him, but because I don't want to see him like that. On the other hand I don't want to actively seek him out either. I'm not heading back to his club just to show him my new moves. I don't want to give him any kind of idea that I care anymore, even if I do.

I know it's me

I am getting really nervous about tomorrow.

It's another day of dance workshops and I keep wondering if J is going to be there. I'm trying to figure out if I want him to be there or not.

I'm afraid that I want him to be there because I'm hoping that Hell will freeze over and he'll tell me that he made a mistake, that he misses me, that we'll be talking outside and he'll kiss me. I wonder if I just want the opportunity to blow him off - make him think it's no big deal and I don't care about him or us anymore.

I know I should be wanting the opportunity to see that I am okay and not for those other reasons, but I know myself too well.

Another part of me hopes he won't be there. I know that my nerves right now will pale in comparison to what they will be tomorrow morning, which will be nothing compared to what I will feel if he's actually there. I was always nervous around him anyway. Add this and I'll be lucky to put one foot in front of the other, much less actually dance.

Last night I did my damnest to ignore BMG although, the guy she hangs with (R) had even more ladies sitting with him tonight. I swear his harem gets bigger each week. If I caught myself watching her dance I'd make a point to turn and watch somebody else. I was sitting at the end of the night talking with a guy I dance with alot and who I really like to dance with. R and his group o' ladies were at a table 6 or 10 feet in front of us and I swear that BMG was talking about him or me because they looked over at us more than once. It was very unnerving and I don't like it.

I'm wondering more and more if she remembers me from March as a friend of J's and if she knows that I dislike her and why.

I am petrified that she and J will be there together again. Although I find it hard to equate the BMG from March w/ J and the BMG I see at the clubs on Thursday nights with R. It's like a weird voyeristic mystery that I am both appalled at, strangely drawn to, and completely ashamed to admit that I am enthralled by.

This is the one picture from two weeks ago that made it online. I only know it's me because of the top I am wearing.

WTF?

Today has been filled with What-the-Fuck? Moments.

The hot water in my building was shut off at 6am this morning. WTF? Who's gonna wake up before 6am to shower before the hot water is shut off.

I'm still fucking sick. Instead of a sore throat, I've just got loads of mucus that I'm hacking up constantly.

Because so many people are starting to use their vacation time I'm stuck working the night shift today and Thursday.

Avoiding work and looking around on the internet I've found 3 more videos of J and his partner. Some of them are hers (she has a website and a profile on youtube.) the other I can't figure out. I got too pissed off watching it. One of them is from Februrary on a night that I was there when girls from his Basic class were flirting with him and he said he'd come with me when I left and then didn't.

I went to see if pictures were up of last sunday's dance. They were. I was all excited as I started to scroll through them expecting at least a couple good ones of me dancing. But no. There was one, that's right one. And it's taken from behind the guy I was dancing with so the only reason I know it's me is because I recognize my sleeve. WTF?

BMG on the other hand has 4 - one of her just walking past a group of people. She's even the freeze frame for the video. WTF? What the fuck is it about this girl that has the salseros where I live falling all over themselves around her? More than one person upon seeing her picture says she's nothing special, no great shakes, so WTF already?!!

Resolution from now on: BMG means nothing to me and I'm going to start acting and thinking that way. No more consern over her clothes, shoes, who she's dancing with, how she dances. I really do believe in Karma. I don't think it's restricted to action either. So I'm no longer going to be putting BMG ladden Karma out into the universe.

I heard this song on the radio on my way in to work. It is what I wish J thought when he thinks of me. Not that he thinks of me. I wish I could stop thinking about him.

Another reason to hate YouTube

They're on YouTube.

Seriously.

The weekend that I lost it because J and BMG were at all of the classes together and they were obviously there together J talked to me about the club the night before, that I should have been there because he danced with both BMG and his other partner.

Well the performance and lesson from that night are on YouTube. Well, not the whole lesson. It's like an advertisement for him teaching. It's so weird and it's got the whole performance of the three of them.

I remember him saying that it involved more acting. Yeah, bad acting. It him dancing with dance partner one and then she kind of pushes him away and BMG comes on and they dance then girl 1 comes back the three dance, BMG goes off and it seems like J's gonna stay and dance with girl 1 again, but instead BMG takes him of and Girl 1 ends the performance dancing alone.

I didn't like it that much. It looks so much better when it's not coreographed. The first bit where he's dancing with his regular partner and the "credits" are going is much better than the rehersed bit. And like I say --acting is not their talent. I feel like a Dancing with the Stars judge. "Not enough content." I mean there were some turns and dips, but the girls did all the work. He kind of just stood there, walkd around watching like he's trying to decide between the two girls. Hopefully that was the first and last performance like that.

Blech. What a shitty discovery.

Saturday Secrets

I really want to go here.

but I'm afraid to tell anyone I know because I think they'll make fun, or think it's stupid, or consider me flighty.

I have a professional job. I've got a bachelors degree and two masters. But even with all of that I was never sure of what I wanted to do. I always thought that I didn't want to teach. I certainly don't want to student teach, but I don't hate teaching like I always thought I did.

I really like my dance classes. I love it when the instructors use me to help and I'm always giving advice to my partners during class - though I try not to because I'm not the teacher.

I'm just too conserned with what people expect and think of me.

I'll be just find pretending I'm not

It has been well over 80 almost every day this week and I've come down with a cold. What's up with that?

I screwed up at work and forgot a deadline meaning on wednesday some of our customers were a little bit peeved.

Despite being sick I had to come in for another pointless staff meeting and work a split shift because of it - despite the fact that nobody showed up at 7 for my program. It was a waste of 12 hours.

I went dancing again. I had actually tried to figure out a senario in which I could be nice to her. I mean this hating her thing is getting really ridiculous. Actually it's the being obsessed that is ridiculous. Unfortunately I never got the chance. I think she must have some kind of clue that I have no interest in being nice to her. I joined the beginner class as a leader. I had spoken to him the week before and I had been a leader in his beginning class on sunday. He uses me to demonstrate the ladies part when he's teaching the guys. So me and two other girls were filling in because as always with this stuff there were way more ladies then men. When BMG comes in with someone who could have been her mom. She changed her shoes and the next thing I know she's standing next to me in the leaders line. Fine. But then the teacher decides that everyone should have a go at leading and since he'd been demonstrating with me he has all the leaders take a turn at leading me. Including BMG. Yeah. That was fun. Not really. She wasn't good.

I really, really tried to ignore her for the rest of the night. Not, ignore, just try to not be aware. The worste part was when I was dancing with a guy had never danced with before and he chose a spot on the dance floor right in front of BMG & Posse's table. It made me so neverous. And then it happened again when I was dancing with someone else and there was only one other couple on the floor. I don't know why I have this feeling that she's judging me. I mean if I obviously remember her from two months ago with J, how can she not remember me talking to him too? But maybe I'm just paranoid.

Being sick my balance was all off, so that was annoying. And when I was dancing with the teacher later in the night I managed to smack him in the nose. Talk about embarassing. It didn't stop me from dancing until the very end. I'm at work now with 4 hours of sleep and a red, stuffy nose.

I had planned out a long post about how I was finally okay. I was over at the X's on Monday (Heroes Season Finale). I got there early so we ate and then he wanted to walk next door to the grocery store. I thought he wanted to get stuff for later that night. No. He was doing his grocery shopping for the week.

I knew the inevitable end to the night and realized that I wasn't really that into it. I had had such a great Sunday night dancing and I know the X is really not into that. I just realized that I don't really need him anymore. I feel really bad about it. I knew the whole time that I was using him to make me feel better, but I didn't expect to get to this point before he left.

Conscience and Karmic Retribution

I spent the evening with the X. We watched the season finale of Heroes and he burned a copy of my Harry Potter audio book. I got to thinking about the scene in the book when Harry watches Snapes worst memory. A 15 year old James Potter hexes a 15 year old Snape and hangs him upside down for all to see and laugh at his underpants. When Lily Evans asks James, what's he ever done to you, James responds "It's nothing he's done, so much as the fact that he exists." I always felt bad for Snape during this scene, even though he lashes out at Lily afterward I can see why.

So thinking of that I became very ashamed of myself.

I have held up BMG for ridicule for no other reason that that she exists, that someone I liked liked her more - so what? that's called life. And she didn't look at me and say hey I'm going to steal your some-times-lover from you. I call myself the better person, and yet I'm just another cyber-bully. The fact that it is anonymous and done behind her back doesn't really excuse it. It is nothing more than my petty need for reassurance. That doesn't make me better than her it makes me so much worse.

She doesn't deserve to be bashed by me on my blog and I am vowing that from now on I am discontinuing it.

When I was in 5th grade my best friend at the time and I decided that we didn't like a girl in our class. She was geeky and akward looking. She only played at recess with another boy that nobody liked. Why we felt the need to do worse, I don't know. In some sort of Sweet-Valley-Twins-esque plot we first tried to befriend her. We tried to convince her that all sorts of things that were not "cool" really were. This was around the time of the first Batman movie so we said things like wearing green and purple was really cool. I totally remember her saying "but I've already bought black clothes." I don't think she ever really took our lame advice. Then we started to leave nasty notes in her desk at school. I think we managed one. I remember seeing her one morning with the note in her hand just having taken it out of her desk and looking around the room with a really hurt expression.

To our credit we stopped pretty quickly. I was pretty sure we go caught. My best friend at the time couldn't slip a note into the desk so she dropped by the girls bg as she walked by. The girl noticed and really really hurt asked my friend if she was the one doing it. I couldn't leave my friend hanging out to dry so I stepped up and said somebody asked us to do it. Yeah, I'm not sure how that one was believed. I am sure that I am blocking out a whole bunch of ugly punishments.

What I do remember is her sad looks and hurt I caused a girl who's only crime was to be akward.

I stopped being friends with that "best friend" a year later when we moved up to middle school. And that's when Karma took hold. I truely believe that what we put out in the world will come back to us and more. I was cruel to a girl who didn't deserve it and so much worse was done to me the following year. For some people high school is hell. For me it was 6th grade. I was teased, harassed, and bullied. I had one friend and no one else spoke to me unless it was to say something nasty. I ended up changing schools and things got better. But for a while I knew, and then some, what I had put that girl through the year before.

I should have learned my lesson when I was 11. But obviously I hadn't. I just hope that this time Karma doesn't come kicking my ass again.

Weekend Rollercoaster

Saturday I was pretty bummed. I was feeling very down about myself. Mostly physically. for all I said in my saturday secrets post two weeks ago. I hate my legs from my navel to my knees. I'm a fucking size 2 and I still can't get over how fat my thighs and ass are. I know that in alot of ways that just makes me female. But it is also pretty sickening. I look around at girls 2 and 3 times my size wearing really tight pants for all the world like they've got a perfect body and they look good. So why can I not where a pair of jazz pants with out something that covers my 'saddle bags'?

That is where my obsession with BMG comes from. I don't think she's got a perfect body. I think she's got the body of a teen-age boy with an A-cup. It's the fact that she can put on tight pants and crop top then walk around the place like she's the sexiest thing on two legs. It's this air she gives off more than anything.

But I'm starting to re-evaluate my opinion of her. More on that later

Saturday I managed to go out dancing. I have these new jazz pants. I couldn't bring myself to buy the small which were too tight through the thigh - I got medium, but I wore those with a camisole top that sort of flares out and hits me just below the waist (you know, to detract from my thighs - sigh). But, the important thing was I had a good time dancing even though it was a very small crowd.

And Sunday was a good day. I convinced a girl from work to come with me to the dance that evening and I had a pretty productive day. I did every stitch of laundry I could find, finished some alterations I'd been meaning to do on some clothes and started a new sewing project.

My original plan, because I wasn't sure if J was going to show or not. Was to wear my new jazz pants (I washed them!) and a little top I have that is backless, mesh front over a red bandeau with fringe that hangs over the tummy. Truly I was going to wear this, despite my hang-ups. But I didn't. I found a much better option and I'm going to save it for a club.

I went to the mall to try to find some pants for work. About a month ago I picked an awesome pair of black pants that I love and if I had had the forethought I would have picked up two or more pairs. I didn't find them, but I found a pair of capris - tight from hips to knee - like workout pants or jazz pants. $15 so I bought them. Then I proceeded to find a great top that had flowy 1/2 length sleeves, a big black ribbon that ties under the bust, and it was longish - about mid-thigh, and just flowy enough away from the body. With my black dancing shoes, and my hair done - I felt hot. Something about those tight capris. I'm so glad I bought them.

But the important thing is that I had the BEST time. I was so on form with my dancing. I was grooving to the music, I was adding in a little styling with tiny kicks, and my arms. I'm not 100% comfortable with it yet. But the time off I took did wonders because now I'm back with a vengeance and I know it's because I love it.

BMG was there. She was with the same guy and girl from Thursday and they were all matching! I swear to god - the three of them come in all in white pants (BMG in tight crop pants - nice ones, not her usual jazz pants) and black t-shirts. BMG was still BMG - her shirt hovered above her waistband and as the night wore one she tucked it up under her bra so it was more like a crop top. (I'm laughing as I write that - just wear a damn crop top to start with!!!) It was also just hysterical that they matched. I mean really. Are they related? Is it some kind of freakish three way concubinish open relationship polygamy thing? Because there is this one picture from two weeks ago where the dude is next to the other girl and BMG. He has his arm stretched all the way past girl #2 and is touching BMG. It is the oddest thing.

BMG danced with that guy alot and the other guy also from thursday night - not the one she came with. I found those two interesting to watch too. On thursday on more than one occasion on the dance floor she'd say "stop that, you're so mean" which I took to just be playful or flirtatious. But last night they seemed to actually be arguing on the dance floor and I once I heard an angry-ish "well what do you want me to do?" from her. It gives me evil glee. But she must like him, or like dancing with him or something 'cuz they're always 3 or 4 songs together.

She seemed to not be going for the casual look so much this time either. Not the I put on a pair of earrings, jazz pants and a shirt and go. No. She straightened her hair, had leopard print shoes, and wasn't committing the fashion faux pax of a black bra under a white shirt. So maybe she really likes that guy - who knows.

I saw her dance once with an old guy and once with a young guy who comes but can't dance. I don't know why he doesn't take a lesson, but whatever he's probably just trying to pick up chicks. The look on her face was priceless. I'm beginning to think she's a little arrogant. I've danced with the young guy before too. It's hard. He's not on beat, he doesn't do the steps right. But I'm always nice about it. I mess up with more experienced dancers too. She was stoney faced. And with the old guy after about 2 minutes she walked away from him. I don't know if he stepped on her or what, but she looked pissed off. I mean, come on, the guy was old give him a break. And I remember pictures of her from the workshops where she spent the whole time with J. She's with this other partner - not an attractive guy with a huge mole on his face that makes Enrique Iglesias's look like a beauty spot - they're both looking at the camera and she's not smiling. There are 3 of these pictures so she couldn't have been taken by suprise. Instead it looks like the last thing she wants is proof that she danced with him.

So yeah, my opinion of her has sunk way, way low. Even tho I'm a little miffed that her ass would look good in white pants. I think I can now stop being ruled by my hatred of her. I think she's just undeserving of it. She seems more arrogant and shallow than I first thought. I vow to no longer compare myself to her. In all the ways it counts I am a much better person.

Also...all of this observation was interspersed through 4 hours of dancing. I wasn't watching her the whole night. I danced until my feet ached an then kept dancing. I left at the end when I thought it might feel better to just cut my toes off. I got a huge number of compliments from a bunch of guys that I think are great dancers. And I am sure that I saw my picture being taken for the website at least twice. YAY! I'm sick of trying to find myself in the background.

Saturday Secrets

I don't think that J will be at the social tomorrow. I checked the pictures and video of the April one that I skipped and I didn't see him, even in the background.

I remember that from last summer too. He came to a couple and then didn't for months and months. I read back on my blog to that summer and I wondered if him coming wasn't a way to "reassure" me - to keep me hanging on or something. Because things were starting to cool by August. It makes me wonder if he and BMG were having anything, if he hasn't gotten tired of her already too.

Secretly though, I keep going over possible things that I want him to say to me if he's there.

"Sorry" tops the list because it's easiest to respond to. But, what I want to hear most from him is "I miss you." And it's the one thing I have absolutely no response for. "oh that's nice" "I'm sorry to hear that" "really, I couldn't tell." Mostly though my brain just goes "huh? what?" when I imagine it. Probably that's the rational part trying to let me know how completely impossible that is. Even if he were to say it, it would only mean "I miss being able to call you up for sex every once in a great while when I'm horny and all my other conquests are busy."

That could be a responce: "When you say you miss me are you saying you miss my engaging company or you miss being able to call me for casual sex once every six weeks because you've got half an hour to kill and all your other girls are busy?"

But that sounds a little bitter. If I ever run into him again, I don't want to sound angry or bitter. I wish I could some how come off from the emails declaring my feelings and portray the perfect picture of casulness. As if he was blip on the radar screen of my love life and I have already picked up moved on and never given him a second thought.

Not so good

Despite having a horrible day at work on Thurday, I went out to dance. I was expecting to have a pretty good time like I had the week before and better since it wasn't ending early.

For the most part it was good. CF wasn't there, but a friend of his was. A couple of guys I have seen at the socials for a whole year now, who teach many of the lessons, asked me to dance. A whole year I've been around and now they ask. But that made me feel good 'cuz they are pretty fantastic dancers. One asked me twice, the other was also DJing, but I don't know that he'll ask me again. I think I got nervous and messed up a little.

The downside and what made it not so great - BMG. Yep, I was there for 20 minutes or so (I had rushed after work to get there before the cover went up) and she came in with a guy and another girl. The guy I recognized from the socials and mostly where J works. The girl I didn't recognize. She's still baring her midrift. For the most part I just tried not to pay attention to her. She spent most of the night dancing with this other guy I've never seen before. They seemed pretty friendly but I can't say that it was more or less than that.

I went to look at the website when I got home. Pictures of the last few weeks were finally added. There she was the week before last. I was seriously pissed. I never would have gone if I thought there was a chance she went there. The big socials, I know she goes to, but it's big enough I know I don't have to see her if I don't want to. But the club is smaller.

I'm trying to figure out just who she knows that she's always in at least 3 pictures and video clips of these things. Is it seriously just the midrift? If I start showing off my stomach will I make it on them too?

I'm sounding excedingly envious I know. I admit it. I am.

The upside to the whole thing I suppose is that A) I didn't let it totally ruin the night for me. Infact I made a point of smiling and laughing and showing that I was having fun dancing. Usually I'm so worried about doing it "right" that I forget that I'm having fun! and B) That I can see her around and deal with it. I didn't run for cover or leave or sulk because she was around.

The next questions are will I be able to be so cool if I ever run into J again? and can I be so cool if I see them together again?

Well, actually

The worst that can happen is that they are interested, but the training hours don't work with my current schedule. I'm too concientuous to quit right before the busiest time of year for my department. I can't quit until August.

The worst they can do

I found an add on craigslist for "ballroom dance instructors needed." They said they wanted someone with experience, but were willing to train. So I emailed the person.

I also found a few Arthur-Murray places, not around me, that do an employment training. They'd require moving and I don't know that they'd consider me because of that.

But the worst that can happen is they say no.

Saturday Secrets

I never told anyone, but my boss sixty year old boss kissed me once.

Not my current boss - they're all women (although that would make it even more shocking I guess) - but my old boss. It was a really akward kind of situation after I told him that I was offered a new job and that I was accepting it. I could tell that he was sad that I was going to go. He put his arms over my shoulders, only I wasn't about to hug him back. A bit like this only no one's smiling and imagine me being freaking out on the inside:

I have no idea what was said exactly, except I remember thinking that I thought he might cry, and that it was oddly how the X puts his arms on my shoulders when he's about to kiss me.

The next thing I know the boss takes my chin his hands and is pulling/leaning in for a kiss. He got the corner of my lips because I was trying my hardest to turn my face and give him a cheek.

What makes it horrible and akward was because it wasn't my last day. I was just telling him that I was planning on leaving. It wasn't like he was saying good-bye.

I keep trying to consider it a fatherly gesture. He always took that mentoring attitude. I used to get highly upset when he'd call me the "baby -my professional title." Because I was a fledgling I guess. And he likes to call my dancing "Slam Dancing" when I've told him on numerous occasion that it's ballroom, social, or partner dancing and that slam dancing is something utterly and completely different. The hard part about putting the kiss into the fatherly category is that it creeped me out, it reminded me of my x-boyfriend's behavior, and the boss had (and still does) make other kind of akward comments/gestures about my body. At first I thought he was just conserned about my weight or making fun of the fact that my clothes didn't really fit due to losing alot of weight. Once he lifted up my shirt - just an inch or so. I thought that he had seen my navel ring and was making some pointed remark about it despite the fact that I've had it for 8 years - but no he said he checking to see what I was holding my pants up with. Only, those particular pants weren't too big for me.

My sisters-in-law say that my stepdad has kissed them on the lips when he says good-bye. He's old too.

Could there actually be some ring of truth to the "dirty old man" stereo-type.

Thursday Return

I went out dancing last night. Just like the first time it was a last minute decision. I wasn't going to go because the club was closing early for a private party. But in the end I figured a short night was probably the best bet for getting back into the swing of things.

The group was small and there were alot of people I know go there who didn't show up. I did run into a few people I knew tho, including CF. He was trying to get me to say why I hand't been around. He said he missed dancing with me.

I ended up getting hit on by like 3 different guys - one new guy, one guy who came early for the private party, and the guy at the drive through I stopped at later. That's how good of a mood I was in. I actually stopped for fast food. Totally forgetting my promise to myself not to have any fast food until X-mas. I'm going to have to push it back to new years now.

I thought about J maybe twice. He crossed my mind once at the beginning of the night I was just wondering if he'd show up. I don't think he goes there, but I'm not really sure.

I found out about another workshop weekend coming up and the first thing I did was check my work schedule and try to arrange some time off. It wasn't until later I thought, crap, what if it turns out like March with J and BMG there? However it turns out, I am just glad to be getting back to something that makes me happy.

Hereos, X-men, the X

I went over to the X's to watch Heros again (it's turning into X-men with out the tights, Linderman = Magneto; Peter = Cyclops; etc, etc. I'm just waiting to see who's gonna be their version of Prof. X)

I wasn't going to go over tonight. I was going to go back to my Monday night dacne lesson. I haven't been since before my birthday. I got the "Dancing with the Stars Cardio Dance" DVD from the library. Maybe it was work-out endorphins, but I got the urge to go back to my dance lessons. But when I thought of it I had forgotten that Hereos is on at the same time.

I used to be a much worse TV junkie than I am now. So I knew that I wouldn't be too bad off if I had to tape it at home with a fuzzy reception. But the X even volunteered to tape it for me for me to watch later. In the end I went over and skipped dance. I figure there are only a few weeks left in the show, and the X will be moving in just a couple of months. The dance studio isn't going anywhere.

On the other hand I feel like I'm regressing. Choosing him over something I wanted to do. Part of it was nerves at going back to class to. Much like getting up the courage to go the first time. The part of me that wouldn't go to dances or clubs alone is back. I don't like that part of me.

But It was a good night. I had no bones about it - I knew that if I went tonight or later in the week, I was going over there to have sex. The X even called me out on it. When I said I might not come over, but would go to class instead - he said that I was just afraid that we'd end up having sex again. I responded that it wasn't that I thought we would, I knew we would. He found that funny.

It was good this time though - no tears. The X says that it's great and that it's because he really cares about me. He also told me that he used me as an excuse to say no to a girl who asked him out recently. He said he was dating someone and even told her my name! That has me a little worried. And that he pouted when I said I wasn't spending the night.

I know that the reason I'm with him is because he does care about me. It is a quick fix on making myself feel better. I just think that if we're not careful one or both of us is going to get hurt.

Un-Happy Cinco de Mayo

What a crappy ass day. Seriously. I went from all the good things I like about me to the suckiest day off ever.

I was supposed to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a girlfriend this afternoon at a restaurant/bar that was having dancing and then a contest (which I was planning on just watching). But she IMs me and says she can't go she's been invited to Las Vegas. Yeah, how do you compare bar watching your friend dance to getting it on with a sugar daddy in Las Vegas. Because, trust me, that's what's happening.

I had mentioned that I was doing this to the X and said he could come along too. He'd never been there, but it's a sports bar so he was game. Until yesterday when he says he's staying home to watch sports.

So I'm left with no dancing. I considered going alone and if I hadn't over slept I would have at least gone for the dancing, but by the time I looked up from my comfy spot on the couch it was too late, the contest had begun and I wasn't going to go alone just to watch. That's just sad.

So I work out instead and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, post a blog and the X calls. The games gonna be over in a couple hours if I want to get together. Sure I say, I'll head out to his neck of the woods to do some errands when the game is over call me and we'll go drink Margaritas.

I get a call while I'm shopping and it's not to tell me that the game is over, it's to say that his Mom called and she and his sister on their way to meet him for dinner. Nice suprise for him, not so much for me becuase he says they're making a stop at an outlet store then they are coming over and when he's done he'll call me. Which while that did happen, it happened four and a half hours later. I was already at home. I wasn't about to head back out to where I had already been so I could drink margaritas and he could have a booty call.

I get it. Really I do. We only had tentative plans all day and it is is his family. If we were going out, yeah I'd be invited, but how do you explain bringing your ex-girlfriend out with your mom and sister?

I am just so sick of counting on people only to be utterly disapointed by them. I don't understand how I can just not matter to people. Am I that insignificant? Am I that unworthy of a little consideration? What is it about me that screams to people "over-look this girl; take her for granted; walk all over her"? What have I done to deserve this loneliness and so much fucking unhappiness?

Saturday Secrets

I love looking at my own body. Sometimes I actually turn myself on. This isn't to say that I'm completely conceited and in love with myself. It's more accurately the opposite. And I have major girl hangups about my body - like my saddlebags, or that my butt's to flat and wide, or that I could use a little more boobage. But that doesn't stop me from spending a long time staring at myself in the mirror. Depending on my mood that day I'm admiring the parts I like or flagilating myself for my flaws.

Today started out as flaws day and turned into the good-parts. So here are some of my favorite parts of me:

1) nothing but shear gloss on this picture.

2)Working out pays off. I have those wonderful cuts showing off deltoid and tricept to, but can't get a good photo of it.

3)My hair - it's a little longer right now and this is about as curly as it gets. Today is more of a wavy day, but it still rocks. I pride myself on knowing how to take care of it. (A bit of my tattoo in the picture - I like that too - but it's hard taking a picture of your back.)

4)Weird but true, I think a well defined collar bone is sexy on a woman. And I like that despite being slim, my sternum isn't showing and you can't see my ribcage.

5) Sometimes I'm even okay with these. The XX once said that they're perfect - that was before I lost alot of weight (most of it from my boobs). Occasionally though I do see his point. It helps that every bra I own has padding - I believe it to be a shear impossibility to find an A cup bra with out it. I don't believe they exist.

Why I hate Management and Why I need a new Job

You got to love a job where they tell you a procedure until you've broken it. Or how you don't learn how to do something right until after you've done it wrong.

Today I find out that my dance instructor won't be paid for the program on the night of because the P.O. needs to be put in a month in advanced. Nice.

How many times did I ask about performance contracts? How many times did I ask what to do with the contract after it was signed? In all those questions why did it never occur to my many superiors to tell that it needs to be in a month in advanced?

Now I'm POed. My instructor will get paid. It will be mailed next week. But it makes me look like an idiot. Granted I can think of a few things I could have done to make sure that this didn't happen. But at the same time, I couldn't get a final price until I knew the # of people coming.

Arrrghhhh: the current sound of frustration.

This never happened to me before

So I had a date with the X to watch Hereos because it is a feakin' awesome show and I get horrible reception. I figured it would be like last time where we watch some tv, do it on his couch, I doze off for a bit and then go home.

Well, his roommate was home so that meant we had to go to his room. Not a good thing becuase I just kept having flash backs of J. Like when he pulled my shirt away from my neck to kiss me there. J used to do the exact same thing. I remember the way he did that he last time we were together at my place. It was all down hill from there. I actually ended up crying--crying--in the middle. Not super sobbing or anything but tears started rolling down my face. I tried to hide it by putting my face to his chest. I think X took it as something good, that he was doing something right. Not that he wasn't, not really. It was just struck me that I was not where I wanted to be just then. And then afterward later it happened again. I was lying there and the next thing I know these tears just start rolling out my eyes. The X didn't mention it. I'm sure he thinks it has more to do with the fact that he's moving in 2 months, but I haven't talked to him about it.

Clearly this using one guy to get over another is not working.

I am going to have to talk to the X soon. We got to figure out what the hell we are doing here. I don't want to have talks about following him because he thinks we are back together.

Damn, have I stepped in it this time.

Okay so

J is out of town.

I feel a little bit bad about thinking he may have been lying to me. But I do still think it was shitty of him to tell me he was going to be out of town the day after I gave him a reference as a dance instructor.

I was looking through the school news and there was a piece about these 5 students who were chosen for a full scholarship to a week long conference. And there he was. No lie. Except for the fact that in February he told he might not get to go because there were 5 students up for it and only 4 spots. Hmmm...and yet 5 students are going.

I hate to jump to conclusions. I don't like to think he was stringing me along on something work related that could potentialy affect my job. So maybe the department busted out some extra money so they didn't have to reject one person, or maybe J had it wrong.

Like it matters. All I know is that I don't have to worry about bumping into him for the next weeek. And I can stop saying he's supposed to be out of town.

Wallowing and Self Pity

There's nothing like David Bowie in really tight pants with an 80's rock mullet and outlandish make-up singing songs and faking magical juggling acts to get someone out of a funk.

Yeah, I'm talking about Labyrinth.

This was one of my favorite movies as a kid. It was right up there with Princess Bride. They were the movies I would watch when my parents went out for the night on the weekend leaving me alone with a pizza.

Labyrinth is one of those that can only be watched at night. Don't try it during the day, it doesn't have the same feel. Oddly no matter how many times I watch this movie, no matter how early or late I start the movie I end up dozing off towards the end when they're in the Goblin City. I don't know why. Maybe because I need to be totally awake and alert for what comes after.

I always wanted to be Sara when I was young. There was something I found really romantic about the Goblin King being in love with someone and giving her powers that she didn't know about. Despite the fact that it's totally inappropriate - Jennifer Connelly was 14 during the making of the movie and David Bowie was 40. It's nearly as bad as Dirty Dancing (also supposedly very romantic, but Baby is 16 and Patrick Swazye had to have been at least 30 if not older). The whole theme of the movie - growing up and not depending on make-believe -sort of fell on deaf ears, and to a large extent still does. I understood the whole save-my-brother thing, but a part of me has always wanted Sara to take the Goblin King up on his offer. Yeah, the offer was totally inappropriate too: I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.

I also love the line where he says how much he's done for her:

Jareth: Sarah, beware. I have been generous till now and I can be cruel.
Sarah: Generous? What have you done that is generous?
Jareth: *Everything*! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me and I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I've done it all for you!

The songs always get me up off the couch too. My very favorite place to dance is my living room. I love it when a movie has great dance-able credit music. It's pretty much the one time I actually dance like nobody's watching (probably because nobody is).

Anyway....Saturday was a bad day. I was in a deep dark funk. I couldn't make myself do anything. I woke up at 2pm and went from the bed to the couch to catch up on Dancing with the Stars (Joey is so gonna win! Apollo Anton can come in second, but I hope Laila Ali comes in third, because Maksim is yummy scrumbos and a philanthropist.) I got to the gym but I couldn't manage to actually work out. I was there half an hour and left. There's no point working out half-assed. I ended up back on the couch. I finished up DwtS and moved on to DVDs

I watched Mrs. Henderson Presents with Judi Dench. It was okay, a little depressing. And I thought the premis was kind of weird. Mrs. Henderson buys a theatre and puts on a nudey show because her son died young and she thought he died never seeing a live naked woman. Huh? So she puts on this show for other service men, so that if they die at least they've seen a live nude girl. Huh? Is it me or is that the lamest reason for putting naked girls on stage?

Then I watched Raise Your Voice, a cheesy Hillary Duff movie where she learns that it's okay to sing even if her brother is dead, and her dad learns that some times "protecting" means stifling, and the best thing you can do is let your kids go and grow; and everybody learns that lying is okay if you get what you want out of it. It was sappy and only so-so.

After that I had the choice between March of the Penguins, The Cooperation, and Say Anything. None of which were working for me. March of the Penguins put me to sleep the first time I tried to watch it, and The Cooperation is supposed to be amazing, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that, Say Anything - too much love for me to deal with it. That's when I remembered I had found Labyrinth on DVD at the library. Just the thought of watching it perked me up. Suddenly I was doing the dishes and making dinner to watch with the movie.

I got a full 8 hours of sleep, woke up and went to the gym on Sunday.

J is supposed to be out of town at a conference (hence I had to find a different instructor for my program on Friday). So I didn't go up to the third floor of the gym. I hopped on a treadmill and watched CNN. I managed a run of 25 minutes, with a walk to warm up and walk on an incline afterwards for a total of 45 minutes. Then had a great stretch and ab workout.

I cleaned up, went shopping. I found some great weekend work pants (comfy!) and a couple of button down work shirts all on sale. I didn't find shoes. Work shoes that are not boots, and don't hurt my feet, and aren't sandals keep alluding me. Usually Payless is the way to go, I think I must have missed my window of opportunity on that one because I can't find even one pair and I need two - one for my brown work pants and one for my black and my gray pairs. I plan on wearing alot of skirts in the summer so it's not a huge deal, but right now it's spring and I'm still wearing pants, but it's too warm for my tall boots. Today I'm hiding the fact that I'm wearing my hiking boots - the only flats that don't scrape at my heel and aren't runners.

Then did some work on my freelance project, and did 3 loads of laundry! It helps with the cleaning up a little. Tomorrow I'm working on the living room. I'm hoping if I can do just 15 minutes or 1/2 an hour a day I'll get it done eventually.

On Wednesday intermurals start up again. Again, J is supposed to be out of town so I won't know if he's reffing again. I'm thinking not. Only based on when his dance class is in June, I don't see how he can do both. But I won't know until after I've already paid.

Although, I somehow keep convincing myself that I'm going to be okay around him. Then I picture him with BMG and it starts all over again - my face gets hot, my heart beats faster and I'm over come with humiliation. I know that it is going to take me finding someone else to be totally comfortable because at that point I won't care. I picture trying to be J's friend and it goes well until I imagine being introduced to, or having him mention, his girlfriend. Because eventually he'll meet somebody and instead of "having fun" he'll actually go out with her.

This has been alternating with fantasies of me being totally cool with him to the point where he can't get me off of his mind and when he realizes his huge mistake he humbly admits as much and asks me out. Sometimes the fantasy includes him asking me to partner him at one of his jobs as a peace offering - but me being so non-chalant and blaise says isn't that what BMG is for? (only I say what's her name, your friend I've never been introduced.) And he mentions that she's not his partner anymore for what ever reason.

Obviously those things are never going to happen. Never in a million years. They didn't happen before other girls came along, they certainly aren't going to happen now.

I thought I was going to get another month reprieve from the monthly dance by being out of town in May. But no such luck. I can't take that weekend off because I work and teach a class on Monday. Not that I have to go, but I want to. I officially miss dancing. Yes, I realize alot of my drive to do well is to show J in a "Ha!" kind of way. To thumb my nose for him choosing to dance with other "better" dancers. I wish I had the time to devote myself to taking all the classes I'd like or have the money to go somewhere like Fred Astaire or Aurthur Murray.

I did sign up for ballet this summer though. That's a start and I'll get back to my other lessons this month too hopefully. Unless I've overbooked myself.

I keep flip-flopping on taking the fitness classes this summer. 1) I don't know if I've got access to the gym this summer - I've been asked to renew my parking, so maybe I do, but I shouldn't. 2) I don't know that I want to as a number of the classes I would take are right before J's. 3) I'd miss some due to intermerals. 4)I'm going on vacation for more than week! and will miss some more. But on the other hand they are offering some very good classes - Hip Hop, Muscle Conditioning, Yoga, Body Sculpting. Very cool stuff.

So yeah. David Bowie. Totally sexy in that androgenous, evil looking way.

David Bowie - Underground

No one can blame you
For walking away.
Too much rejection.
No love injection.

Life can't be easy.
It's not always swell.
Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl,
'Cause it hurts like hell,

But down in the underground
You'll find someone true.
Down in the underground;
A land serene;
A crystal moon.
Ah..

It's only forever.
Not long at all.
Lost and lonely.
That's underground.
Underground.

Daddy, daddy, get me out of here.
Heard about a place to stay.
I, I'm underground.
Nothing ever hurts again.
Heard about a place to stay.
Daddy, get me out of here
Where nothing ever hurts again.
Daddy, daddy, get me out of here
I, I'm underground.
Sister, sister, please take me down.
I, I'm underground.
Daddy, daddy, get me out of here.