To sleep, perchance to dream

I'm thinking of taking my sexy lingerie back. I just don't think that J and are "there" yet.

And I'm thinking I should have said something about Valentines. Even if I had just texted him a happy v-day. I did for New Years complete with XXX for kisses. Of course I had been drinking.

I've had two dreams about him recently:

1) We were making out and I suggest he come over. He looks at me and says, why do I always have to come over just for sex? Why can't we ever just hang out? I've got feelings you know. I'm not just a sex object. Tell you what, why don't I just leave you alone to think about that for awhile and I'll be back in a few weeks when you decide whether or not you have feelings for me.

2) We were at a dance studio and slipped off to be together. Skip to later when I'm putting my dance shoes away and there are these old guys talking about me, but in that young guy way of "yeah, I'd tap that." And one of these old guys says, "I already have." At which point I realize it's J. Because I think to myself, no way have I ever slept with this elderly guy who is so obviously rude and horrible. It hits me that J has multiple personalities and the old guy is his Mr. Hyde sort to speak.

The first one is obviously my own wishful thinking and a role reserval. It's exactly what I wish I had the guts to say to J. If I had the courage to walk away. I'm just so scared of not having anything of him. There is also a healthy dose of embarrasment involved with having to avoid him if he rejects me. First of all I don't want to have nothing. But I was telling myself I don't have to feel bad about my feelings for him. What is so wrong with liking him more than just as sex object? Nothing. There is nothing wrong with it. So why do I feel embarrassed? Why do I feel like I need to apologize for it?

Why do I get the feeling that he has some idea of my feelings and behaves this way (ala dream #2) in order to keep me at bay?

I gave my number to some guy I met at a dance on Saturday. I don't know why I do this. Is "oh that's nice, but why don't we jsut see each other at these socials" such a hard thing to say? I know that I was having a better time when I was going out with other guys. But I don't really want to. I want J or I want to stay single.