Cold Turkey Day 1 - Why am I so Pathetic all the time?

Half the day gone and I'm already getting wish washy. I haven't even seen him yet!

But he'll know I'm mad at him.

But I don't want to be mean.

But what if she was just interested in lessons. (yeah right!)

But, But, But.

But he's a jack ass jerking me around. He's the guy who will introduce me to his girlfriend one day at a dance a week after boning me, I'm sure.

I get all flushed and angry when I remember seeing him last night. That is what I need to keep in my mind. And remember that he's a clueless boy who doesn't see what is right in front of him. So he's not going to think I'm mad at him. It probably won't even occur to him.

It just hurts so much. The humiliation. That he wouldn't think anything of it - picking up that girl right in front of me.

I wish I could be one of those "show him you don't need him" kind of girls. That's how I felt when the XX was showing interest again. I felt like I could go to J's class and be uninterested in him. But I don't feel that way now. I wish I could show up to his class or the club strong and be all -"oh-what?-really?-I-hadn't-noticed-I-was-so-busy-dancing-with-other-guys." But in reality. I'm all - "why-don't-you-just-stab-me-in-the-heart-then-rip-it-out-and-laugh-and dance-on-top-of-it-with-her-while-I-bleed-to-death?" about it. Last time I got mad I caved in. I called I left messages. I texted. What did it get me? This. This horrible aweful feeling of uselessness and degredation.

How many times do I have to go through this? The girl in the summer class, pink-sweat-suit girl, girl from his beginning class, now this. When will I get the hint and re-grow my self-respect?

When will I stop being this hovery, blubbery, mass of self-loathing? I really would rather loath him. I wish I didn't think so much of him. Haven't I had enough evidence to the contrary. He's not as nice a guy as I think he is. He's a player, a jerk, an asshole, a jackass, a flirt, a slut.

The sad thing about going Cold Turkey is that I don't know if I'll get the chance to tell him any of this. I'm afraid that his presence will hit me like a ton of rocks when I do end up seeing him. Or maybe I'll have cooled off enough that I can be honest and normal around him. Yes that's it. Cool off. Cold Turkey is giving me time so I can cool off, to feel better about myself and less hung up on him.