This has got to stop

I have spent the whole weekend in tears or on the verge of tears (while at work - doesn't look real great to co-workers or customers if you're sobbing at the desk).

I guess I shouldn't have felt too embarrassed by my actions on Friday night. J was pretty drunk himself. But I really didn't like watching him booty dance with those other girls. But he said that when I was going to tell him that we'd go back to my place together. That made me feel better until later. It was a relatively loud place and he'd have to lean in to say anything to anyone, which made group conversations impossible. When talking with one girl in particular, the who was trying to get his attention, he'd put his hand on her head to get her ear closer to his mouth when he'd talk. I couldn't take it and told him I was leaving. It was too late and he said we get together later in the week. J claimed (when talking to his brother) that he couldn't leave while his students were still there. Sure. I didn't buy it anymore than his brother did.

I did get a text on Saturday from him asking if I was at home, but got no response when I texted back when I'd be at home and that I was going out to dance again that night if he wanted to come with. I also sent a business email. He brought up a SNAFU with the program he's supposed to help me with this spring. It's Monday. I've not heard a single word from him.

Now that he might not be helping me at work in the spring I'm more determined than ever to tell him how I feel. I have about a 1% hope that he'll step up and be willing to give me more than just a booty call. That 1% only comes from remember how he used to be when we first hooked up in the summer. I regret not asking him out then. I regret not saying something to the effect that I wasn't normally like this - casual sex and all that.

I'm also very tempted to run and hide. Just avoid him at all costs. He offered no excuse on Friday as to why he didn't call me when he said he would. Just asked if I was behaving myself and said that we'd get together soon. So I'm not really expecting to get much of an excuse for being ignored for 3 days. His basic class is in the same room right after my yoga class tonight. And I'm supposed to go to his class tomorrow. I just don't want to see him. I don't want to pretend like I'm not totally disappointed, like I'm not feeling completely wretched about myself.

It's dumb. Because I don't even know why he would want to be with me. I don't think that much of myself. Not really. I don't understand why guys would want to dance with me, buy me a drink, ask me out, flirt with me. It shocks me every time it happens. I fully expect him to say, well, you're really only good for this one thing. I don't like you on any other level.

I have these weird contradictions inside of me. On the one hand, I want to disappear, curl up under my covers turn the light out, never speak to anyone, never be seen until I just fade away. On the other hand, a part of me is screaming for attention, yelling at top volume why don't you see me? why don't you value me? I'm worthy, I'm beautiful inside and out. Except that I don't believe that.

J doesn't want me because I'm not worth wanting. Not beyond my ability to be available for him and lie there.

So, I've got to decide. Do I just stop being around him (which is hard beyond belief) and expect that he'll either contact me to get together or forget I exist entirely? or do I pretend to be fine, continue to smile and wave when I see him at the gym and go to his class when I'm not working, show up at the next class dance outing, until I have time with him. The problem is that right now I am so depressed that I don't even want to be with him. I just can't muster the passion that I had for him before thinking this way - that he doesn't give a shit about me. But I don't see when else I'd be able to talk to him. To tell him that I can't do this any more. I don't like feeling this way anymore. I don't like counting on him wanting to come over and then being ignored.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Before I get anymore depressed I have to be done.