The Question is...

What do I want ?

Self Loathing Pity Party being over now, I've really got to think this through.

What do I want?

It is fairly clear based on my reaction Friday night that my jealousy is not going away. It's understandable. I have no real commitment from him to make me feel secure and I do tend to think that he'd not be interested in me on a dating level.

It is pretty clear that I need to say something. I just don't know how to put it. I know that this isn't entirely his fault. I should have spoken up long ago and I basically behaved like it's okay to treat me this way.

By "this way" I mean so casually where he can ignore me for days and then just up and say hey lets get it on. He's so hot and cold. On Friday night he was being really nice then Saturday text. Now, nothing.

I was mantra-ing during yoga. Please don't let me see him. Please don't let me see him. But no such luck. He came into the classroom about 5 minutes before we ended. I was on the end right next to the door, and we were in the process of changing positions. I just quick glanced and gave a tiny wave. I don't think he smiled, but I can't be sure. I was trying my best to not look. And after putting my stuff away, he was busy showing off and his back was turned when I left. He parked his car right in front of mine in my apt. lot. I was so tempted to bump it, or kick it's tires when I left.

So what do I want?