Then, I get another text. Really sorry. His parents dropped by earlier than expected. He'd call me during the week. Right.
He didn't call me when he said he would.
I ran into him at the gym monday and wednesday. I will be seeing him at one of his jobs tonight.
I'm expecting some kind of excuse as to why he didn't. I'm dying to retort with "That's okay really, I gave up that expectaction months ago." But I'm afraid it sounds to bitter. So I'm thinking something more like, "That's okay, I don't really expect you to." Or "I've stopped expecting that you will." I want it to convey the fact that a)it's rude to say that you'll call on a specific day and then not do it and that b)there was a point in time when he did indeed call when he said he would.
I don't understand what has happened. He used to call me. He used to dance with me, talk with me, he kissed me in public once. Now I get nothing. I get "R U home" text messages. Messages that cost me $0.25 to recieve.
My new years resolution was to tell J how I felt. I know it's kind of lame, but I need to do it. Last night while being simultaneously angry that he hadn't called again, glad that he didn't call becuase I was mad at him, and feeling sorry for myself becuase I've let this happen to me I came up with this little speech:
I tricked myself into thinking that I could sleep with you casually and be okay with it. But the truth is that I like you. I have liked you for..., well, since I first met you really and I thought that you maybe liked me at one point. But if I'm really just a convience fuck to you, then I have to call it quits because I don't want to get hurt. Besides, I deserve better than that.
But then I want to mention these things that he used to do. The reason it was so nice being with him over the summer. I hate that he doesn't dance with me anymore. I get maybe half a song, less in class, even though he'll give me an extra little squeeze on my waist or hip. I just don't get it. In the summer we would dance for an hour or more. I don't see how he could suddenly have dance partners coming out of the woodwork. I made the stupid offer to him to help with his basic class. He said thanks. Which was just a nice way of saying no. I think he's got someone else to help. She was in his basic class last semester. She's in the intermediate class now I see her there when I am able to make it. But I also see her coming in for this semester's basic class. Granted I can't be too jealous, she's married. But even so. Over the summer he asked if I would help for the fall. But it didn't work out. Now he doesn't want me.
I don't know. Maybe I'm too accomodating. Maybe it's no fun now that I'm not a challenge. I don't see how he could miss how much I like him.
My little speech...I don't think it would really go over well. I mean. How do you just drop "I have feelings for you" onto somebody who has just been a fuck buddy. And I would love to do it now coming off of the disapointment of him not calling. I mean, if a girl is upset that you didn't call, don't you take that as a sign of something? But then, I am still supposed to work with him in May. At the very least, I want to get him to sign the contract before I tell him I'm done. Then I'd only have to deal with him the one time in May. I could stop going to his class and start going to pilates instead. (yeah, it turns out my gym card not working was a fluke. It's fine and I've been getting in all week.)
Maybe I'm just feeling lonely. The X was IMing me the other day. Asking how I was etc. And I never did write to the XX like I told him I would. It seems dumb to say that maybe I feel lonely, when I couldn't wait to get the XX out of my house. Maybe it's easy to like J because he's not around so much. He has a life of his own. Maybe what makes me so tempting to people like the XX, the X when he wanted me back, and L is what makes J tempting to me.
When I saw him on Monday he was wearing my favorite shirt and glasses. He looked so cute. Smart boy cute. ::sigh::
It would also be hard giving him the speech tomorrow when I see him, because he'd be at work. It seems a little rude to drop that on him at work. Though if he pulls more, I'll only dance with you for 30 seconds of a song, crap. I will say something. Like:
You don't like dancing with me anymore do you? Why do you even bother to ask me then?
Of course he'll say something like, what do you mean. And I'll come back with all kinds of examples. Maybe launch into the stuff about how great the summer was.
I try to imagine him being glad that I brought up my feelings. I try to imagine him asking me out or telling me that he liked me all along too, but thought that I didn't like him. But I know it's just wishful thinking. That boat has sunk.
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