Hope springs eternal

I gave it one last try yesterday. At least then I could say I tried.
I didn't say anything to J after yoga. He came in went straight to the stereo to start the music for his class, I put my shoes on, rolled up my mat and left. I had originally hoped to have a couple of CDs for him as a peace offering I was going to put a note with them. But I forgot them at home and didn't have enough time before class to get them. And really there is no time between our classes to talk.

Instead I went home and started doing my dishes. I was greeted to the most putrid smell when I walked in the door and was suddenly glad that J hadn't been over. It was seriously gross.

At 7:45 I called him. I knew he wouldn't answer since he was still teaching his class. I left a message letting him know I knew he might be busy, but told him what time I'd be back from my dance class, that I wouldn't be in his class the next day due to work, but that I hoped he had a good day.

I waited. And when I got to class I put my phone in my coat pocket and hung it in the lobby.

I had a great class I really enjoyed it. But still nothing when I was done. I had a super scary incident of some guy following me on the express way home. I didn't cut him off or anything, he just kept driving up next to me looking and looking at me then getting behind me. It was freaky. Finally the third time he got next to me and looked. I pulled into the empty lane and hit my brakes. I drove really slow for quite a while letting him get ahead of me. I just wish I had gotten his licence plate just in case. Luckily that did the trick and I didn't see him again.

I gave J 45 minutes after I told him before I went to sleep. I tried not to cry, but a couple of tears escaped.

I got up this morning determined to be done with him. I kept thinking in my mind how inconsiderate he is. Selfish Inconsiderate Jackass. At least call or text me an "I can't." I figured I'd just avoid him from now on.

At the end of my work out I got my endorphin rush. It made me think that maybe everything would work out. I thought I could still go to his class, and his club, but didn't have to continue sleeping with him. I thought, maybe I'll skip this class and since I can't go to the club this friday maybe he'd be calling me after awhile and I imagines myself giving it to him about how insensitive he is and that I'm not just a convenient place to stick his dick when it's hard, bla bla bla.

I was feeling, down but resigned when I got to work. One of the ladies who has been so great about getting me acclimated and answering all my questions I think can tell that I've been down lately. But bless her she hasn't asked me about it.

Before my dinner break I wrote J an email from my work email about the program he's supposed to be helping me on, but doesn't think he'll make now. I had emailed him a week ago to no response (inconsiderate right), but I also know he's got a new email address so I plan on sending it there if I don't get a chance to talk to him first.

On my dinner break, my phone tells me I have a missed call and a message. I'm thinking it must be my mom.

Nope, J. J called and he left a message. Wow. I was stunned. Happy and stunned, and giddy and stunned. I clocked out went to the staff lounge and listened to him (three times). He was getting back to me from my call the other night. He wanted to sooner, but he's got a stomach virus (blech!) and is feeling sick. He actually sounded it on the phone too.

I texted him when I got home "get well soon!!" and figure I'll see him in class on Tuesday.

What will happen now I don't know. But somehow what happened on Friday must have made him think. I was afraid he'd realize my feelings and run away. But maybe for awhile at least he'll be a little more considerate. At least long enough for me to get the guts and fess up.