Cold Turkey - Day zero

I went to one of my regular monthly social dances last night. J had mentioned on Thursday when I saw him that he might go, but I didn't have my hopes up. He hasn't been to it in months. I was pretty pleased when I got there and I saw him.

My pleasure disintrigated a couple of hours later.

There is nothing like watching somebody you have feelings for pick up another girl right in front of you. I watched them dance song after song together. I watched him do sexy moves with her that he used to do with me (back when he actually danced with me). I watched them exchange info. Heck, they did that standing right behind me. I felt him practically ignore me for the second half of the dance. I saw them get ready to leave together.

And that's when I had enough.

It's bad enough to know deep down that I don't mean anything to him. It's another thing to have it shoved under nose, to have to watch it. I feel so humaliated. Like I'm the biggest idiot in the world for being blind and letting myself be hurt like this.

So I went and asked him to dance with the excuse that I was leaving soon. It sucked, he wasn't interested and kept messing up. I like to think he was feeling guilty, but probably only because I reminded him of my existance. He'd probably forgotten all about me being there. And then I danced a couple more with other people. And then I when I really was leaving I walked up to another instructor and booked her for the program that J was supposed to be helping me with. She's even going to charge less!

J wants to scew me and then pick up other girls right where I can watch? Fine. But fuck him if he thinks I'm going to turn around and throw him a bone (professionally speaking). He doesn't think he's going to be in town anyway and I was going to try to bend over backwards and get the date changed, but fuck that. That's too inconvient for the people coming. So no. He's out.

That night I realized. I am doing my self a dis-service just being around him. It is just feeding my addiction. So now I'm going cold turkey. I'm not going to his class on Tuesday, I'm not going back to his club, I even erased his number from my phone. Not that I think he'll notice that I'm not around.

In alot of ways though, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot too. But that's the addiction speaking. Operation Going Cold Turkey starts now.