Friday Night Lights

The Day

I went shopping yesterday to use a gift card. It's post valentines day so lots of pretty lingerie was on sale. I made the mistake of buying some.

While I was out my friend called. He canceled on me. But said he'd try it with me some time soon. (Hmm....that sounds familiar. Where I have I heard that vague promise before?)

The good part of the night
But I went on my own anyway. Oddly enough I ran into somebody else that I know. Another person from the gym who's class I've got to one or two times and has been trying to flirt with me. J came over to talk to us and at one point leans in to me and asks if I'm on a date. A part of me was thinking, "yes, I brought a date to where I know you work. Do you think I'm stupid?" I explained that no, he just showed up after I had. But afterward this guy (K) kept acting like we were together, telling me he would try to get "us" into another place later. He doesn't really dance that much - just booty shaking kind. But he kept wanting to dance with me. He'd take my hands and just shimmy. We ended up dancing by J and some other girl (who I noted later was with a guy - but more on my ease of mind with that insecurity). He openly told J after J and I danced that while J had some smooth moves he was really checking me out. J did save me once, when a Cha-Cha was playing. K was just shimmying, I was actually doing the Cha-Cha basic step. So J just swooped in and said "you want to Cha At some point K was trying to "get on my list of people I hang out with" (his words). At which point I himmed and hawwed a bit and then excused myself to go to the bathroom. On my way out J caught my attention, motioned me over and we danced. After one he said, "I'll let you get back to your date." Jokingly. At which point I said, "No, you're supposed to save me. I don't know what to do, I'm too nice for my own good." J laughed and said I just have to say No. But he grabbed me for a second dance anyway and by the time I got back to the bar K was gone apparently to the other venue he was talking about.

So as I was sitting alone again, in walks another guy I know from J's class actually. We chatted a bit and danced a couple of songs. This is where I realized I need to stop being so sensitive about how/when J dances with other girls. I got really into dancing with this guy (how bad is it that I don't remember his name?) closed my eyes and just went with it. This guy came in with a girl and I saw him dancing with her later. He danced the same with her as he did with me. It's the nature of latin dancing, and partner dancing that you've got to put your hands on your partner. It's the only way to know where they are and (for the leader) to tell them where to go. I wish I could always keep this in mind (and I wish I could come up with an explanation for hands-y booty dancing).

The bad part of the night
I went to talk to J after that. He said he had to go soon we talked a bit, then he got up to go talk to his boss. Then I see him on the dance floor with another girl. She looked uber-drunk and he was trying to dance with her, but it didn't look to be going well. I didn't really notice that until later and was a little miffed. J comes up after and says he's going to get going. I just looked him in the eye for a second and the following exchange occured:

J: I know what you're thinking.
Me: Really what?
J: No, maybe I don't (laughing, going to walk away)
Me: No, tell me. You can't not tell me.
J: You're thinking, "Is he going to come over?"
Me:Well are you. (Honestly, I wasn't thinking that. I was thinking how kissable he is. And wondering what he'd do if I did kiss him. I should have said that, it would have saved the night.)
J: (pausing, thinking) Well, maybe, I shouldn't. (Look away, thinking) How about the car?
Me: (pause thinking, I kind of thought it would end up that way so) Yeah okay.
J: I'll pick you up on the corner.

So I take my time getting my stuff together. Finish my water. Talk to the guy at the door for a while before going outside. Wait a minute. Decide to move my car over to where he's going to pick me up. Go to cross the street and see J in the window of the club. He's on his cell phone. WTF? I look at him. and he runs out to me. He's sorry, got to stay he says, his boss wants to talk to him. He put his arms around me says soon, how about monday. I can't. I say Wednesday. He says okay. He promises wednesday. I just looked at him. I think he wanted to kiss me, or was going to pacify me. But I didn't. And when he turns to leave he says again promises wednesday at which point I say, At some point Jorge I'm going to stop believing you. He says, I can tell.

I proceed to go to my car at which point the heel on my shoes (my vintage 60's 3-tiered wedge platforms) comes off in the snowy street. I yelled "Shit" at the top of my lungs and turn to pick it up. When this guy on the street starts saying "hey" to me. I say "what?" he says "Hey, hey" and I'm just furiously "what?" "Aren't you the girl who works.{where I work}." Great a customer (a repeat customer, I realize when I look up at him) just heard me yell shit at the top of my lungs in the middle of the city street outside of a salsa club. Just great. I can't even remember what I told him. I think it was more of an "excuse me?" or "huh?" And he walked away. He must have been able to tell that I was pissed off. And I was. I slammed my car door. I squealed out of the space and past the club. I was angry so very angry.

When I got home. I had missed a call on my cell phone. It must not have been on vibrate or wold have felt it. It was J 20 minutes earlier. He hadn't left a message. So I called him back told him I missed the call. He said he was sorry that it wasn't fair to tell me we'd get together and then not and that he'd stop giving me false promises. I was still a little miffed. I was hoping he was reconsidering. I just said, yeah. thanks. and then he said bye.

I ended up curled in a ball thinking...oh god he just ended it. He just gave me the brush off. False promises were all I had to keep me going. That and wishful thinking. I called him back with the intent of asking him if it was really our difficult schedules or was he giving me the brush off. But I chickened out and instead when I got his voice mail I apologized too. I said I was sorry if it sounded like I was mad at him. I wasn't mad I was just disappointed because I had left the club to go with him when I could have stayed to dance, broke my shoe and been aggravated by someone who recognized me from work. And again said that I was sorry and hoped he knew I wasn't mad at him.

I'm hoping that does it. I was so close to texting or calling him again today. I wish I had kissed him. If only I had ended it like that. I wouldn't be scared right now that I've blown my chance. Especially because now I see his phone call as a real apology. I do believe that. I don't think he means to lead me on. He might be a bit of a player, but I don't think he's trying to be cruel or insensitive. It's just ending up that way.

I'm going to give it until tomorrow or Monday and then either call him again or bump into him
at yoga. I know that I've explained myself. It's just that I hope he doesn't jump to the conclusion that I did (although, he's a guy, their brains don't work the same way as my crazy girl brain) and that I don't want to be with him any more. I want him to see the sexy, sexy lingerie I bought. It's pretty hot. But I think this little outburst paves the way for me to say something about my feelings for him. I think it's kind of obvious that I feel more for him. Then I'll carefully stay away from him and let him decide what to do. Who knows when that will be though.

shit...I just realized that this "I will..." and then he doesn't from J has been going on almost since the beginning. What if it was was a brush off? Shit. I'm scared again.