Call off the stalker in me and old posts

I can't believe I did what I just did. So...I want to go back to the club where J works on Fridays. We went for class last friday and I want to go back. A) it was fun. B) it's relaxed and not like a pickup joint C) I'm dying to know if those girls from his other class that were major flirts last week show up again. I want to be that girl. The one who says, look I'm interested in you, I'm so interested I came back to do this again.

So I've been trying to get someone to come with me. Because, those girls have each other it's easy to pick up and go out together. I'm embarassed to go alone. I'm afraid I'll seem desperate/stalker-like.

Nobody I know can/wants to come, they don't dance. Unless I dip into my stash of other guys that want to get in my pants and might take my invite the wrong way (Like L, and . I sent out a funny email yesterday and got a responce from an old college friend of mine I normally only see on birthdays, holiday parties, or weddings for our old college friends. He even drove me to a couple of those weddings. We've never done anything remotely romantic together although he's always made it a point to come out to my b-day (even just in passing to say hi), or meet me for lunch. I on the other hand haven't been out to see his band even once. In a hasty email I ask him if he does Salsa or wanted to learn because I was looking to go to this club but not by myself. It wasn't until later that I realized at those weddings he never danced. He'd sit with the guys and watch the girls dance. But he wrote back and said he'd give it a try! I'm both suprised and not. Because he's a great guy, but I wonder why he'd say yes, when he's not really the dancing type. I'm going to email him back to tell him when I'll meet him there, I'll tell him to invite anyone he wants. Mainly so he's got company.
It's horrible. I can't believe I asked him. The point is for me to get to dance which implies ditching him at the bar. But the idea of him leaving early because he's not having fun and leaving me alone fills me with terror.

What didn't want to resort to was lying that I had a friend coming and then claim that she ditched me. Although I'm almost hoping that my friend does ditch me maybe even before. I just feel so bad. I'm using him. I should have been honest, but I don't have enough guy friends to know if I can tell him I want to go see this guy, I just don't want to go alone. Although, he still might have come with me, that's what stand-up guy he is.

On a different note: I was reading old blog posts of mine from the summer. Because I keep thinking, if only things were like the summer when J called me and we danced. Oh, how our memory will play tricks on us. We met up to dance once after we started sleeping together. And he only called me when he said he would the first week. And with in a week or two of this starting I was thinking - I want more than just sex with him. I can't believe I've let it go more than 6 months. I must have a serious problem.

So why I am going there to see J on Friday? Maybe the place will be closed for a private party. Becuase after that I am playing the avoidance game. If J says one more time that we are going to get together soon, I am going to respond with "I've been hearing that one from you alot lately." And then I want to say something along the lines of "I'm not just here at your convience you know. If you're not careful I might not wait around as long as I have before." Or something like, "I've been hearing that from you alot lately, you know with no follow through, I might begin to think you're not interested anymore." Or "I think you might be taking it for granted that I'll always be waiting here for you." I like the last two better for a casual conversation - maybe the second one, it sounds more flirty, but at the same time kind of pointed.

::sigh:: so much for perspective.

But I did hear about the shooting on the radio. They even said the name of the mall. Which I have shopped in before when I visited my brother. I was glad that I didn't have to freak out and call him because he'd already said he was alright.