So mad I'm about to cry

(oh wait, make that did cry)

Last week J said that we'd get together after work tonight. I didn't see him all week, and called him yesterday about a social dance. He was there. He danced with me once and said a few "how's it going" type words. L talked to me alot, but my mind was on J who danced with a bunch of girls, some more than once. Last time I wasn't at all jealous. Mostly because I knew that when we were done dancing we'd leave together. This time we just left at the same time, but not really together, though he walked me out. He said he had a long drive to pick something up for his parents. And he said he'd call me when he was done with work today.

I knew, in my heart of hearts of that he was going to cancel. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that way, because the universe listened and he did just that. I got a call less than 15 minutes ago. He says his other job called him in, maybe tomorrow. This is so frustrating. I have no reason not to trust him (other than the fact that he's boning me without dating me) and no reason to trust him.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should break it off. I don't want to for a number of reasons. A) good sex doesn't come around all that often. It might be sporadic with J, but at least it's there, B) I would feel weird then going to his dance classes C) I'd feel compelled to be honest and tell him that I like him too much which would just embarrass me. It's one of those things where i'd rather have a little than nothing. Part of me tells me that I should not be so emotionally involved with him. That it would all be okay if I could stop having real feelings for J. But do I want to be the kind of person who can turn off thier feelings. I'm annoyed with myself, because when I started this a few months ago I was fine w/ just having sex with him. I didn't feel like I was being used because I was doing what I want. If I saw him fine, if I didn't I was okay with that too. Now, I don't feel that free ness about it. I want him all the time and I feel crappy when he does stuff like this.

To make things worse I sucked last night. My dancing was so off. I couldn't find/keep the beat. I was getting confused with lead signals and doing the wrong things. I felt horrible and awkward. I was surrounded by these gorgeous women who knew what they were doing, dancing so beautifully and making it seem so effortless. I just felt like a gianormous uncoordinated clod who had no business being on the dance floor much less thinking she could dance.

I don't know, maybe I should just buy a vibrator and chalk up the dough for dance lessons at a real dance studio and abandon the gym and J all together.

I feel like such an idiot. I moved a bigger bed into my room, I bought a new bedframe, I even cleaned the house thinking he'd really come over, I called him to invite him to dance and I might as well not have been there and now I'm crying at work about it.

I am so all over the place with this situation. I don't know that we really have enough in common to even be able to go out and depend on more than just sex to keep us together. But then I wonder if I'm being snobbish. I'm older and (I think) I've done more. In my brain I'm thinking, I've got multiple degrees, I went to a great college for my undergrad and I lived abroad.
But really, that's just evidence of me not knowing what the hell to do with my life and always running away from places I don't like. And I have to remind myself that J lived in another country, he's working on his second degree, and he knows what he's doing with his life. He's working 2-3 jobs to put himself through school which makes me feel akward, because for 4 years of undergrad my parents paid my way, 1 year of grad school, and one year of "finding myself" at a community college I paid for, and the other 2 years I had a full scholarship. I've only worked to have spending money, because I also don't live on my own and pay for real expenses. That and the fact that I did the whole of my undergrad at a university and J started out at a community college and transfered over to save money are the only real "differences" if you're measuring our worth in those types of things. And why am I comparing all this stuff anyway? I worry that he'll like me less if he sees the big house I live in with my parents.

I'm actually beginning to think that he doesn't want to come to my house. He would have made an effort if he did. I always come back to that theory. If a guy is really that interested he'll make the effort. Some times it seems like J only has interest in having sex with me and then he'll do something really sweet.

Maybe my head is in the sand, but I keep hoping that with the beginning of the fall term right around the corner he's getting much busier. My work certainly has picked up, but at least mine is 9-5, and no weekends.

I hate complicated things. I was driving home feeling miserable for myself last night, and I thought, how nice it would be to quit my job, move somewhere else and get a job in a bookstore or a library just shelving books and telling people where the fiction section is. It sounds so nice and simple. The pay would be crap, and I'd have to live in a box, but it would be easy.

L and I had a couple of interesting conversations lately. 1) he gave me his timeline for when he can move out of the state. 2) We had a "there's someone for everyone" conversation. It was interesting because I had recently told him that I was looking to move away eventually and because I don't belive that there is that one special person for everyone. I wasn't able to explain why to him very well. But I wonder if while he wants to be friends now that he might be looking into the future and wondering if I'm girlfriend material. I wish J would do that.

Edited to add:

I feel stupid for wearing my pretty underwear and pushup bra! Such a waste.