Over reaction, over analyzation and trust issues

So I went home and got alot of sleep after battling with carpenter ants when I got home (perhaps it was a good thing that J didn't come over.)

Before I ever started doing anything with J more than one person told me that he was going to end up a "womanizer" based solely on his heritage. I'm sorry, but his heritage is pretty damn close to mine. None of my brothers cheat on their wives/girlfriends neither do my other male relatives. That's one of the reasons I stopped talking to my friends or anyone about what I'm up to. Or I lie and say we went for coffee or something. But none-the-less it's poisoned my thinking. It's not even as if these people know J personally.

It's not like he hasn't cancelled plans before. I can remember once and I think I was fine with it. I don't remember what I did instead (I remember there was a torential down pour, because I was standing under an awning when I called him in an attempt not to get washed away) I probably just went home and watched tv. But a month later when he goes and cancels on me or I see him talking to another girl, my jealous side comes out. Well, not out, I'd never actually act jealous, I just seethe on the inside. I've never been this way before so I don't really understand it. All I can figure is that the lack of "commitment" or definition, because I've never not trusted a boyfriend even when girls were making idiots of themselves right in front of me and the boyfriend. Like I said before, last month when we met at the dance, the fact that we talked little and he seemed to know some people there and danced with a bunch of other girls, some more than once, didn't bother. I was having a great time myself which may have had something to do with it. That and I knew we'd be going off together afterward.

When I first met J, I had a crush on him. I wanted so badly for him to ask for my number, I wanted to go out with him. But then that never materialized and I accepted the fact that since I was so very attracted to him, and I was single, that I might as well just enjoy myself. Maybe, deep down I thought it would develop into something else. We have the dancing thing in common. How hard would it be to go out to a club have a couple of drinks and dance. I'd even understand if we didn't solely dance with each other the whole night. The closest we've come are these social dances he's come to twice (but there was not much socializing between us) and once when we worked out before the BSS.

My fevered brain wonders if he didn't notice how L was monopolizing me. I actually tried to get out of a conversation with L by saying, oh I see a friend of mine (J) sitting by himself, I should go say hi. But L comes back with,dance with me I'm leaving in a minute. He did leave right after, and J got up and asked somone else to dance too. But even so. I thought it was a bit rude (of L). I keep hoping it's that he feels akward coming to my parent's housse just so we can have sex. But, on sunday before the dance he called (I missed it and wasn't able to get ahold him) and asked if he could change at my place.

I am so tempted to just ask him out. I tried once it ended with him coming to the one social dance. I just get stuck with the whole idea of if he wanted to go out he'd ask me.

It sucks because right now my other choice is L. Who as far as I can see is very much like a boyfriend I had 5 years ago. Uber-confident, out going, likes to talk alot and tell stories, but only marginally interested in mine, likes to correct people, takes an undo interest in my "health" (the last one was exersize, with L it's my food/size). It's really kind of weird and scary.

I think right now I have too much time on my hands. I work 9-5, but w/o the exercize classes going I don't have alot to occupy myself except going home and watching tv or playing video games (I'm about 1/2 way through Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, and it's only taken me 2 weeks! - I like games, but I'm terrible at them). I need to get off my butt and work on some other projects at home. I am going to look at apts. this week so with any luck starting next week I'll be spending my time packing! I'd like to get back to the place that I was at this spring, when I was happy with myself iwith going out when the opportunity presented itself and not worrying so damn much.

It also just occured to me that every significant male (not family) in my life boyfriends, lovers etc, have been teachers or studying to be. I wonder if that says something about me.