The Green-Eyed Monster

I heard from J on Friday before I went away for the weekend. I was not going be around monday either, so he said he'd "check his schedule" and call me. WHich never happened. I don't understand how someone can be sweet enough to call for no reason but to say "hi, how's it going" and still not manage to call when he says he will. Granted I was out of my service area for 3 days, but I got the voicemail that L left me, so their is no reason to think that I wouldn't have gotten one if J had called (unless he didn't leave a message. But then, what would be the point of him checking his schedule and getting back to me if he wasn't going to leave a message...and he actually said, "if you don't pick up, I'll leave a message.")

So anyway, my thought was to call him and let him know that I was back, but I thought no...I've been through this before. I don't call! He said he would call me, and gosh darn it he's gonna call, or he doesn't hear from me. And if for some reason J's voicemail did mysteriously disapear, you'd think after a couple days, if he really wanted some action he'd call back. L did after I didn't back to him, J could too. So, no I didn't call J and I went to the gym to work out yesterday where I ran into him. I always know this is a possibility, I think it's one of the things that keeps me going to the gym as much as I do. I even was hoping that, like a couple of weeks ago, if I did run into him that maybe he'd want to dance, so I even packed my dance shoes in my gym bag. (How much of a moron can I be?) Well, he was there. He said hi, asked how my weekend was, then said "well, have a good workout" and then as I'm getting myself situated on a treadmill he meets up with some other girl and goes upstairs with her.

Now if he were a personal trainer, I wouldn't think it was weird. But, I totally recognized this girl from one of the dance classes. Which means...he was dancing with her! Maybe it seems like I'm jumping to conclusions, but I saw him come back down stairs get keys and go up again. Keys for the dance studio Oh, my gosh, I was livid. It's so stupid too. I know it's just dumb jealousy. He told me last week that he might not be available on tuesday and earlier that week he told me he was doing some out of session classes for people who couldn't make it in september, but still I was angry. So much so that I ran alot faster than I should have on the treadmill, got a bad cramp and had to stop my workout earlier than I wanted. But, at the same time I was glad to leave before I saw J again. The last thing I wanted to do was try to be nice when I was so angry. Or worse actually be nice to him when I saw him.

What makes me angry really is myself. J is not my boyfriend. Even if he were I'd still have no say in who he sees. As it stands I have no hold on J what-so-ever. Part of me doesn't want to be the booty-call. Just waiting for him to want some and then being available. But then I don't also want to be the one calling him for it either. And I don't want to stop seeing him.

So it leaves with a whole lot of nowhere.

I was really hoping that, like last week, when J saw me at the gym and he called me, that he would yesterday too. But he didn't. A part of me really hates him right now. I hate that I'm so upset about too. I had planned on going and working out today after work, since yesterday's was cut short, but I don't want to run into J right now and I don't want my feelings about seeing him dictate whether I go to the GD gym or not. (I hate myself right now) I've been wondering if maybe he is weirded out because I invited him over to my house. I don't see why it should though. I just wanted to give us an option that isn't the back seat of his car. And that part of the conversation went:
Me: Yay I'm so happy! My parents are out of town.
J: How long for?
Me: A long ass time.Weeks and weeks.
J: Well, maybe we can get together outside of the car then.
Me: Yeah, you can come over maybe.

At which point he said he would, but he didn't know when because he's pretty "booked." Booked? with what? other girls? other booty? Fine, what do I care? Except I do.

L called me as I was leaving the gym yesterday. I felt like shit so the conversation was little weird. Basically we have plans for Friday. I'm a little peeved that he called me a week after the party we went to where was all "you turn me on me on so much" "you're so hot" "you're so beautiful." But he called back, he actually wanted to see me. Which is more than I can say for some people (J).