My life doesn't seem real to me

This is what my life looks like:

I live at the peaks. The highs and the lows. I don't really exist in the in between except for getting to the peaks.

Nan in the Buccaneers said, "Things are never as bad as they seem or good as I expect."

Despite having a small drama queen living inside my head, I think even small things are the end of the world. J doesn't want to meet with me? my initial reaction is he must hate me, I hate him, feeling for someone sucks, my life sucks, I'm going to quit his class, I'm going to run away. It goes hand in hand with things not being as good as I expect that's when my world comes crashing down.

I ran into J as I was leaving the gym last night after my pilates class. He walked me to my car. We talked business. He noticed that my car is missing 3 hubcaps (I don't know if they are falling off or being stolen). He hugged me goodbye. Hugged. Two weeks ago exactly we went through the same thing and we virtually made out in the parking garage. Last night I got a hug. WTF? I am still rather flabbergasted. What does this mean? What is he saying by not kissing me? One time he kissed me in broad daylight in the middle of the main campus thouroghfair. So what's this? Was it the business talk? Can he not have the affair-me and the professional-me meet? Would it really be so bad to just be his friend?

I wished lived like a movie. This should be Grease. The summer fling that ends up in "true love." I want my summer back. I was happy this summer August came and screwed everything up.

On the plus side of this encounter he mentioned more dance classes being added. A part of me keeps considering the need for cold turkey with J. Stop going to his classes, don't call (won't be a problem, he repeated the whole 'can't afford a new phone' thing), avoid him at all cost. But I don't think he would have mentioned the new later classes opening up if he didn't think I would want to come, he even says that they are going to be limited in space to 12 couples (or 20-25 people).

And my thought process is as follows:

1. take the later class
2. dance more with J
3. leave with J more often
4. have more sex with J

Which doesn't necessarily follow. And doesn't go along with my last resolution to make plans that don't revolve around the boys in my life. Make them for myself.

It would be easier in terms of work. I wouldn't have to be up and to work an hour early. I wouldn't have to run out at 4 for 4:15 lesson. My superiors would be able to schedule me for duties later in the day on those days (this isn't a good thing necessarily). I'd have to opt out of my weights class, but I can take Pilates instead. Though I'm not entirely sure that that is a fair trade.

Decisions have never been my strong suit. I claim to be "easy going." It's code for "indecisive."