Family can suck; But they can be kinda great too

I am pretty close to my family, in that I keep in contact with them, and visit when I can. I am fairly sure that none of them are aware of the "real me," the one that does all the crazy shit that gets posted on this blog. I say "real me" because all this crazy shit doesn't define me in totality any more than the sweet-faced happy perfection that my family sees.

When it comes to my parents, my mother, her husband and my dad, I hate it. There are times that I just want to scream "I'm not the pure perfect little girl you want me to be" see all the things I've done you don't approve of. I do get a perverse sense of pleasure in telling my mother the things philosophically that we disagree on...yeah, I'd live with a boyfriend and not marry him, yes I've gone on vacation with a boyfriend and stayed in the same hotel room, no I don't see anything wrong with spending all my nights a boyfriend's house and only coming home to change clothes (sometimes I not even then).

It makes me wonder if my mother isn't living in DENIAL because she still thinks I'm a "good girl" (i.e. a virgin). In college I had a boyfriend who was 7 years older than me for crying out loud. But my mother thinks he walked me home every night (yeah right). It is really hard living up to their ideal and it can be very taxing. I eventually got to the point where I just don't volunteer information. It's much easier. I'm not going to mention that I got a tattoo, but if they see it, well that's a different story.

One of my brother's is exactly 4 years older than me. He tortured me as he was going through puberty. We would fight tooth and nail, and looking back on it, we were really trying to hurt one another. He would try to prove his superiority over me every chance he got. I was not allowed to forget that he was bigger, stronger, smarter, faster and could get away with a whole lot more than me. For example he missed so many days of high school they almost through him out. Not because he was ditching, but because my mom let him stay home when he felt "ill." "Ill" really meant that he'd been up until 4 or 5 in the morning and was now too tired to go to school. He readily admits this now that we are older. I on the other hand at the same age was actually sick and was told that I was not allowed to miss school unless I actually threw up. I never had the idea that I should make myself puke just to stay home. So I just had to go to school achy, sweaty, woozy what have you. My mother likes to laugh at this story "well I thought he was really sick" ha ha ha.

My brother is still a superior asshat. He pisses me off to no end when ever he comes home for a visit. But I enjoy going to visit him. He's got lots of fun toys, video games, a great dvd collection, a big dog and a fantastic wife. When he first started dating her we all knew that this girlfriend was different. They'd barely begun going out and they were planning their wedding. I was 15 and really resentful. Despite being horrible to me growing up I idolized my brother. I wanted to be just like him because I thought he was so great and cool (of course I was totally wrong, he was a bigger dork than I was in high school). So when this girl came along and was going to take him away, I decided I hated her. It was easy at first because I'd never met her, but got harder when I found out she had worked at an animal shelter, was a vegetarian and her favorite soda was dr. pepper. Any attempt at hating her went out the window when I met her, she was the epitome of a cool girl (in my terms anyway...which is still pretty dorky). She likes Star Wars (my favorite movie since I was 13) she plays games, liked to make costumes for things like the renaissance festival. She's only gotten cooler over the years (more than a decade). To this day I'm not really sure how she manages to put up with my brother. If I had to live with him day in and day out I'd probably have walked out by now. I hope to god that they'll never get a divorce because I would feel a little guilty staying in contact with her afterwards, but I'd have to. I don't have any blood sisters, but she comes the closest.

So I was having a big of a crisis moment. I have been looking into some part-time job opportunities to get me out of my current career path and into one that I am hoping will make me happier. I know that it is a huge step backwards for me. It would taking less money and living somewhere more expensive. It means moving. It means certain people in my family judging me because they stayed put when things were not great for them. It means some scary scary shit. So I called her and I asked for her honest objective opinion. It didn't have to be doom and gloom "you'll never make it, what are you thinking" and it didn't have to be a passionate ego boost of "follow your heart, you can't go wrong, it'll all work out." It all doesn't always work out. And she came through even more so than I imagined. I thought I would get a "Of course you're not stupid for wanting out, but look at the pros and cons." Instead I got "You just have to make yourself happy, even if that means trying something new." She was so supportive telling me that checking into the opportunities doesn't mean you have to say yes if they offer you a job, and then she kept saying "we." "When it comes to that we'll check on the best places to live. When it comes time to break it to the rest of the family we'll do that too." As if I wasn't all alone in this and that she'd help me how ever she could with out ever actually using those words. It made me cry. Because I knew that my parents would call me crazy they'd use every ounce of their being to tell me what a bad decision I was making. But here she was telling me that she would stand by me, next to me, with me when it came time to say, No I didn't consult you, I'm doing this, because it may not be safe, but I'm going to be happier for it. I thought she was cool before, but like I said, she's only gotten cooler the longer I've known her.