Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Sometimes I hate J. Mostly I hate myself for feeling this way about him. Yet again he claims that his phone is broken--water damage. Like it would matter. He tries to play it cool around people we know. I try to play it cool around him. Like I'm not expecting anything, like I don't really want anything. But I really do. I want him all of the time.

His dance class started this week. I skipped the weekday lessons because they were beginner. Instead I went to the intermediate class on saturday and he seemed kind of moody, like he didn't want to be there. Only a few people showed up, not enough of us think we're better than beginner I guess. I felt like an idiot for even showing up. I danced with him and he kept asking what was wrong because I was off or something. I'm not 100% sure what it was, I guess I wanted the easy-going happy J that I had in my summer lessons and he wasn't there. I also realized that I need alot of practice, because he's learned some basic moves that he didn't teach in the summer. So I went tonight to the weekday lesson, there were a ton of girls. It ended up being pretty fun actually, because I learned how to lead a little. I was there a little early and he was getting people warmed up dancing with a few, showing some the basics. He danced with me and I thought I was doing great, I missed a couple of his leads, but for the most part way better than Sat. But when I missed the second or third time, he stopped dancing with me and said "okay that's enough I'm done." Granted for a beginner class we were doing stuff that was a little farther along, and I can't expect him to dance with just me when he's trying to teach. The rest of the class was fine. He just said bye when he left, but I caught up to him and his assistant few minutes later and we chatted a bit about work. And I left angry. Angry at myself. I came straight to blog because all that was going through my mind was how stupid I am, how much I hate myself. I hate that expect more of him...or hope really. That I figure if I want him so much and so often that surely he must want me. But in reality I've turned myself into a convienent lay.

Dr. Phil says that "you teach people how to treat you." I've taught J that I'm a warm willing body and that he doesn't have to do much if anything to get me. I caught a couple minutes of Nip/Tuck last night, I don't normally watch it, and there was a girl who described herself as "having sex like an ugly girl, grateful for whatever she can get." I feel like I'm falling into that mold.

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I wrote all of that Last night before my battery ran out.

Today I'm obsessing a little less. The problem stemmed from a conversation I had after class with him and my ballet teacher. We were talking about work phone numbers and cell phones. Jorge took my work number to set up a time when I can work with the kids he's student teaching. This is the conversation where he mentioned dropping his phone in water (again). At some point in time during the conversation about not using work numbers much I say something about "handing my number out" meaning my cell number. In my head I was thinking about ordering pizza and filling out forms, even if it asks for a work number it's usually my cell phone. But after I said it, and the conversation was nearing an end, I started thinking how that statement would be construed by most people as me handing out my number to guys. I'm sure that's what the ballet teacher thought.

I know that I shouldn't care if J thinks I give my number out to guys. A part of me hopes that he does care, that it makes him jealous. I hate that I even care.
I realize how easy it is to be obsessive over him. It beats thinking about how much I hate my job and how much I hate my co-workers not taking me seriously. It beats thinking about how I'm a complete chicken shit for not leaving already.

I got to the point recently that I considered ending it with J all together and not going to his class anymore. But that just hurts me really. I like the classes, even the beginning class was fun if it hadn't have been for my expectation for something more to happen with J. And I have to divorce the two all together. Class is one thing, and being with J is something else entirely. I just have to wrap my head around the fact that I can be friendly/friends, take his dance classes, and seperate that from the J that I sleep with. When I am not immediately confronted with the idea that I am somehow "messing up" or feeling disapointed because some pre-concieved notion of mine didn't come to fruition I can see this clearly. It is in those other moments that I get upset and obsessive. I tell myself that I wouldn't really want a relationship with J, but it wouldn't be bad to have more of him in the ways that we've already established. But I can't magically lighten his schedule to accomodate me, and I have to remember that it is okay for me to be busy and not always have time for him either. In fact I know that if I make myself busier I would have less time to think about him and therefore would be happier.

To that end I have re-inforce my "no waiting" philosophy. Make plans and if I'm not doing anything else, then, meet up with J. And I have to remember that I have every right to go to his classes whether or not I'm sleeping with him. If I want to dance I will. I need the practice so if I can go, then I'm going. I hate sounding like a broken record, but hopefully if I keep telling myself this stuff I will eventually believe it.

I accepted another date with G. We went out last weekend and he said he wanted to see me more often. He's cute in a plain and kind of sweet way. We do have alot to talk about, though he tends to stick to one topic -- the area he studies. But I figure if he's nice and sweet and likes me, and I like him then I can give it a shot and keep going out with him. It weirds me out that he's so much younger than me. A couple of years I can disregard, 5 though! Oddly, if he was 5 years older I wouldn't blink. G won't let me pay for anything which is a nice change from L, who split his video late fee with me once when I was hanging out with him. But towards the end of our second date I started to feel like a mooch. I mean, he's a poor graduate student and I make a little more than he does, he shouldn't have to pay for absolutely everything. I offer to pick up parts of the date and he says no. I am wondering if I have to be sneaky, wait until we're a couple, or what to start being able to pitch in.