Nowhere Man, sitting in his Nowhere Land

Sometimes a long hard cry can be good for you, except for the resulting pounding headache, puffy eyes, and stuffed-up nose.

I was watching Dark Angel last night (I'm a sucker for TV/Films w/ 90lb girls who kick ass) and they had a character who was genetically engineered to be forgettable, over-looked and nearly invisible. I feel like that sometimes. I realize that some of it is my fault, that I need to put myself out there in order to be recognized. But it seems that even when I do I get overlooked.

My phone rang twice last night. The first was a friend who is critiquing my resume so I can get the hell out of my job, and the second was my brother looking for my mom's vacation number. I was glad to hear from both of them, especially my brother who I haven't talked to in months. But there was also a sense of disapointment. I wanted so badly for it to be J, not because I wanted to talk to him, I really don't at this point, I'm too pissed off. But I wanted to hit Reject when he called. There is something so satisfying about not just ignoring the ringing phone, but actually hitting a button that says "talk to my voicemail, jackass, I'm too busy to speak with you right now." But he didn't call, and he hasn't called. I'm beginning to wonder if somebody gave him a copy of The Rules where some stupid women said that guys should always wait 3 days before calling a girl because 72 hours seems to be his M.O. Of course my sweet and generous nature is thinking of all the possibilities that must be keeping him from taking 3 minutes to dial my number and say hello. (Yeah, that sounds stupid even to me...but there you go.)

I'm trying to figure out why it is that I always like the guys who don't really want me. The guys that don't call back when they say they will, the guys that give the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, the ones that have girlfriends on the side, or are dating other girls and decide that one of them would make a better girlfriend, the ones that are like a brother and don't really have any romantic notions toward me. I went out with L a couple of weeks ago and we had to cut it short so he could go to a party. A party he told me wasn't going to have enough girls at it. A party with a social dance theme and not enough girls. I met L at a social dance, and I'm a girl. Did he think to invite me? No. I met J at his dance lessons. I invite him to social dances in my area. He tells me that he can't make plans on a certain day and a week later it's because he went to a dance. He tells me he's obsessed with dancing and wants to go more often. Does J invite me to go dancing? No.

Because I'm freaking invisible.

Hence the astronomical cry-fest I had last night. The fact that I couldn't sleep didn't help any. Kind of like when you can tell that a baby is overly tired because they're fussy and won't go to sleep. That's how I was last night. But, I did wake up feeling somewhat better. Emotionally drained, and with giant puffy eyes, but better, with a renewed sense of I Got to Get the Hell Out of Here. I've got 2 projects to work on for work and the rest of the time it's cover letters for other jobs. I know I just spent a boat load on a gym membership and I was looking forward to some of the classes, but it's a small sacrifice.

I saw my tarot cards sitting on my bookshelf this morning. I hadn't read my cards in months. My favorite is to ask a question while shuffling and pull just one card. I did it twice. First I was thinking about J and got:


Because it's reversed (upside down) the Strength card means "Weakness, possible dishonor, discord." I certainly do have a weakness where J is conserned. I was actually thinking about what I would do if he called me today, how I could move my errands to Friday before going to my uncle's birthday if J wanted to get together tonight. I was thinking this after last night, when I was really angry and thinking of just ending things with him. I am trying to figure out how to go back to his dance class with out feeling embarassed about the fact that he blew me off. That's how I see it. All I can figure is that when he does finally either call me or I run into him I end it. All I have to say is that we're too busy. I may not really be too busy, but I think he is. I obviously don't figure prominently in his life. Not that I think I should, after all I just sleep with him occasionally. But I do believe that I warrant some common curtesy like a phone call when you say you will.
There is definitely some discord, because I am seriously pissed off with him.





The second shuffle I was thinking about my job, or my job prospects really and I pulled this one:


This one is a good sign. The Queen of Pentacles means a generous woman, success and wealth. (or something like that, I'm paraphrasing). I use the aquarian deck (pictured), but other decks call the queen of pentacles a successful business woman. Sometimes my tarot readings really confuse me in that they don't really seem to match my question or require alot of interpretation. But this time I think they ended up dead on. Well, I certainly hope that this card gives me the right attitude to get my resume's out there and move on to a different job.