My life doesn't seem real to me

This is what my life looks like:

I live at the peaks. The highs and the lows. I don't really exist in the in between except for getting to the peaks.

Nan in the Buccaneers said, "Things are never as bad as they seem or good as I expect."

Despite having a small drama queen living inside my head, I think even small things are the end of the world. J doesn't want to meet with me? my initial reaction is he must hate me, I hate him, feeling for someone sucks, my life sucks, I'm going to quit his class, I'm going to run away. It goes hand in hand with things not being as good as I expect that's when my world comes crashing down.

I ran into J as I was leaving the gym last night after my pilates class. He walked me to my car. We talked business. He noticed that my car is missing 3 hubcaps (I don't know if they are falling off or being stolen). He hugged me goodbye. Hugged. Two weeks ago exactly we went through the same thing and we virtually made out in the parking garage. Last night I got a hug. WTF? I am still rather flabbergasted. What does this mean? What is he saying by not kissing me? One time he kissed me in broad daylight in the middle of the main campus thouroghfair. So what's this? Was it the business talk? Can he not have the affair-me and the professional-me meet? Would it really be so bad to just be his friend?

I wished lived like a movie. This should be Grease. The summer fling that ends up in "true love." I want my summer back. I was happy this summer August came and screwed everything up.

On the plus side of this encounter he mentioned more dance classes being added. A part of me keeps considering the need for cold turkey with J. Stop going to his classes, don't call (won't be a problem, he repeated the whole 'can't afford a new phone' thing), avoid him at all cost. But I don't think he would have mentioned the new later classes opening up if he didn't think I would want to come, he even says that they are going to be limited in space to 12 couples (or 20-25 people).

And my thought process is as follows:

1. take the later class
2. dance more with J
3. leave with J more often
4. have more sex with J

Which doesn't necessarily follow. And doesn't go along with my last resolution to make plans that don't revolve around the boys in my life. Make them for myself.

It would be easier in terms of work. I wouldn't have to be up and to work an hour early. I wouldn't have to run out at 4 for 4:15 lesson. My superiors would be able to schedule me for duties later in the day on those days (this isn't a good thing necessarily). I'd have to opt out of my weights class, but I can take Pilates instead. Though I'm not entirely sure that that is a fair trade.

Decisions have never been my strong suit. I claim to be "easy going." It's code for "indecisive."

Work is starting to effect my health.

On Friday I was feeling shitty. It was the culmination of 2 giant projects. One I was given a week to work on myself, then had to go to an approver who kept finding errors, wanted expliantion beyond the scope of the project, changed items despite the requirements, and didn't finish what she said she would when she said she would. The other a large group project headed by our boss who was our liason to faculty and put the project together with the faculty requests in mind. This is where in our meetings some of my co-workers were so against these decisions (hard to say whether they were against the ideas or the boss or the fact that the boss came up with the ideas instead of them) and complained so much that they didn't know what their role in the project was. And there I, the compiler, was on Friday 23 hours after putting a deadline on thier materials explaining to them what they were supposed to have done in the first place and having to wait for them to re-do it. Consequently I was at work an extra 2 1/2 hours on a Friday, at the end of a week where I was already staying an hour or more after. Most people in the office are out of here before the clock hits 5pm and yet because I'm the young new one I get all the extra shit to do.

I ended up with a huge head ache and what I figured was indigestion. I couldn't figure out if I needed to belch, puke, or drink a bottle of pepto-bismol. I was hoping it was shear anger and frustration and attempted to jog it out of me. That didn't work and I drove home hunched over my stearing wheel in agony. I think I ate a whole roll of Rol-Aids that night. The next day I went to dance, vegged and had a date with G. I had some soymilk for breakfast, skipped lunch, and managed to be incomplete agony as I finished dinner with G.

Sunday I ate little, but it didn't help by 5 I was downing Rol-Aids again. Again today, a veggie sandwich and piece of strudel the size of my thumb and I feel like I can't stand up straight. It is a weird feeling of wanting to burp or throw up, combined with the feeling of having my sturnum in a vice. The Rol-Aids aren't doing anything to help and I wonder if I should try Zantac because now I'm afraid of anything that I eat. I thought that soy-milk might be calming, something non-acidic non spicy, I tried dried cherrios. Nothing.

I remember this happening to me about 10 years ago at the end of my Junior year in High School. At the time I thought I had an ulcer because I was under so much stress. I have a very vivid memory of sitting in my literature class on a stool at the front getting ready to do a group presentation and my teacher asking me if I needed to go to the nurse because I looked so ashen.

I just got back from a meeting and my boss/mentor/collegue-person asked me what was wrong, and my other collegue mentioned that I must not be well because even when someone was complimenting my work I didn't even crack a smile. I didn't want to admit that part of it was that I didn't want to even be there and we were making plans for the future and all I could think was that if I could only get out of them I'd be so much happier.

Which makes me also wonder if some of this might be psycho-somatic.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Sometimes I hate J. Mostly I hate myself for feeling this way about him. Yet again he claims that his phone is broken--water damage. Like it would matter. He tries to play it cool around people we know. I try to play it cool around him. Like I'm not expecting anything, like I don't really want anything. But I really do. I want him all of the time.

His dance class started this week. I skipped the weekday lessons because they were beginner. Instead I went to the intermediate class on saturday and he seemed kind of moody, like he didn't want to be there. Only a few people showed up, not enough of us think we're better than beginner I guess. I felt like an idiot for even showing up. I danced with him and he kept asking what was wrong because I was off or something. I'm not 100% sure what it was, I guess I wanted the easy-going happy J that I had in my summer lessons and he wasn't there. I also realized that I need alot of practice, because he's learned some basic moves that he didn't teach in the summer. So I went tonight to the weekday lesson, there were a ton of girls. It ended up being pretty fun actually, because I learned how to lead a little. I was there a little early and he was getting people warmed up dancing with a few, showing some the basics. He danced with me and I thought I was doing great, I missed a couple of his leads, but for the most part way better than Sat. But when I missed the second or third time, he stopped dancing with me and said "okay that's enough I'm done." Granted for a beginner class we were doing stuff that was a little farther along, and I can't expect him to dance with just me when he's trying to teach. The rest of the class was fine. He just said bye when he left, but I caught up to him and his assistant few minutes later and we chatted a bit about work. And I left angry. Angry at myself. I came straight to blog because all that was going through my mind was how stupid I am, how much I hate myself. I hate that expect more of him...or hope really. That I figure if I want him so much and so often that surely he must want me. But in reality I've turned myself into a convienent lay.

Dr. Phil says that "you teach people how to treat you." I've taught J that I'm a warm willing body and that he doesn't have to do much if anything to get me. I caught a couple minutes of Nip/Tuck last night, I don't normally watch it, and there was a girl who described herself as "having sex like an ugly girl, grateful for whatever she can get." I feel like I'm falling into that mold.

------

I wrote all of that Last night before my battery ran out.

Today I'm obsessing a little less. The problem stemmed from a conversation I had after class with him and my ballet teacher. We were talking about work phone numbers and cell phones. Jorge took my work number to set up a time when I can work with the kids he's student teaching. This is the conversation where he mentioned dropping his phone in water (again). At some point in time during the conversation about not using work numbers much I say something about "handing my number out" meaning my cell number. In my head I was thinking about ordering pizza and filling out forms, even if it asks for a work number it's usually my cell phone. But after I said it, and the conversation was nearing an end, I started thinking how that statement would be construed by most people as me handing out my number to guys. I'm sure that's what the ballet teacher thought.

I know that I shouldn't care if J thinks I give my number out to guys. A part of me hopes that he does care, that it makes him jealous. I hate that I even care.
I realize how easy it is to be obsessive over him. It beats thinking about how much I hate my job and how much I hate my co-workers not taking me seriously. It beats thinking about how I'm a complete chicken shit for not leaving already.

I got to the point recently that I considered ending it with J all together and not going to his class anymore. But that just hurts me really. I like the classes, even the beginning class was fun if it hadn't have been for my expectation for something more to happen with J. And I have to divorce the two all together. Class is one thing, and being with J is something else entirely. I just have to wrap my head around the fact that I can be friendly/friends, take his dance classes, and seperate that from the J that I sleep with. When I am not immediately confronted with the idea that I am somehow "messing up" or feeling disapointed because some pre-concieved notion of mine didn't come to fruition I can see this clearly. It is in those other moments that I get upset and obsessive. I tell myself that I wouldn't really want a relationship with J, but it wouldn't be bad to have more of him in the ways that we've already established. But I can't magically lighten his schedule to accomodate me, and I have to remember that it is okay for me to be busy and not always have time for him either. In fact I know that if I make myself busier I would have less time to think about him and therefore would be happier.

To that end I have re-inforce my "no waiting" philosophy. Make plans and if I'm not doing anything else, then, meet up with J. And I have to remember that I have every right to go to his classes whether or not I'm sleeping with him. If I want to dance I will. I need the practice so if I can go, then I'm going. I hate sounding like a broken record, but hopefully if I keep telling myself this stuff I will eventually believe it.

I accepted another date with G. We went out last weekend and he said he wanted to see me more often. He's cute in a plain and kind of sweet way. We do have alot to talk about, though he tends to stick to one topic -- the area he studies. But I figure if he's nice and sweet and likes me, and I like him then I can give it a shot and keep going out with him. It weirds me out that he's so much younger than me. A couple of years I can disregard, 5 though! Oddly, if he was 5 years older I wouldn't blink. G won't let me pay for anything which is a nice change from L, who split his video late fee with me once when I was hanging out with him. But towards the end of our second date I started to feel like a mooch. I mean, he's a poor graduate student and I make a little more than he does, he shouldn't have to pay for absolutely everything. I offer to pick up parts of the date and he says no. I am wondering if I have to be sneaky, wait until we're a couple, or what to start being able to pitch in.

More things I'd like to impart to my co-workers:

1. A deadline has the word DEAD in it for a reason.
If you missed it, you just screwed over somebody else.
Thanks. I appreciate that a lot.

2. I am not a baby.
There are no babies in this office.
So can the fucking baby talk already.

3. Maybe if you complained less and listened more you'd have understood what you were supposed to do on this fucking project. Telling me that nobody else knew what to do either makes you look bad because I'm looking at theirs and they all did it correctly. Now, I am going to have to sit here wasting my time showing what you should have known already.

4. When do I get compensation for the gigantic migrane you are giving me?

--At least it's friday and I don't have to see these people for more than 48 hours.

Family can suck; But they can be kinda great too

I am pretty close to my family, in that I keep in contact with them, and visit when I can. I am fairly sure that none of them are aware of the "real me," the one that does all the crazy shit that gets posted on this blog. I say "real me" because all this crazy shit doesn't define me in totality any more than the sweet-faced happy perfection that my family sees.

When it comes to my parents, my mother, her husband and my dad, I hate it. There are times that I just want to scream "I'm not the pure perfect little girl you want me to be" see all the things I've done you don't approve of. I do get a perverse sense of pleasure in telling my mother the things philosophically that we disagree on...yeah, I'd live with a boyfriend and not marry him, yes I've gone on vacation with a boyfriend and stayed in the same hotel room, no I don't see anything wrong with spending all my nights a boyfriend's house and only coming home to change clothes (sometimes I not even then).

It makes me wonder if my mother isn't living in DENIAL because she still thinks I'm a "good girl" (i.e. a virgin). In college I had a boyfriend who was 7 years older than me for crying out loud. But my mother thinks he walked me home every night (yeah right). It is really hard living up to their ideal and it can be very taxing. I eventually got to the point where I just don't volunteer information. It's much easier. I'm not going to mention that I got a tattoo, but if they see it, well that's a different story.

One of my brother's is exactly 4 years older than me. He tortured me as he was going through puberty. We would fight tooth and nail, and looking back on it, we were really trying to hurt one another. He would try to prove his superiority over me every chance he got. I was not allowed to forget that he was bigger, stronger, smarter, faster and could get away with a whole lot more than me. For example he missed so many days of high school they almost through him out. Not because he was ditching, but because my mom let him stay home when he felt "ill." "Ill" really meant that he'd been up until 4 or 5 in the morning and was now too tired to go to school. He readily admits this now that we are older. I on the other hand at the same age was actually sick and was told that I was not allowed to miss school unless I actually threw up. I never had the idea that I should make myself puke just to stay home. So I just had to go to school achy, sweaty, woozy what have you. My mother likes to laugh at this story "well I thought he was really sick" ha ha ha.

My brother is still a superior asshat. He pisses me off to no end when ever he comes home for a visit. But I enjoy going to visit him. He's got lots of fun toys, video games, a great dvd collection, a big dog and a fantastic wife. When he first started dating her we all knew that this girlfriend was different. They'd barely begun going out and they were planning their wedding. I was 15 and really resentful. Despite being horrible to me growing up I idolized my brother. I wanted to be just like him because I thought he was so great and cool (of course I was totally wrong, he was a bigger dork than I was in high school). So when this girl came along and was going to take him away, I decided I hated her. It was easy at first because I'd never met her, but got harder when I found out she had worked at an animal shelter, was a vegetarian and her favorite soda was dr. pepper. Any attempt at hating her went out the window when I met her, she was the epitome of a cool girl (in my terms anyway...which is still pretty dorky). She likes Star Wars (my favorite movie since I was 13) she plays games, liked to make costumes for things like the renaissance festival. She's only gotten cooler over the years (more than a decade). To this day I'm not really sure how she manages to put up with my brother. If I had to live with him day in and day out I'd probably have walked out by now. I hope to god that they'll never get a divorce because I would feel a little guilty staying in contact with her afterwards, but I'd have to. I don't have any blood sisters, but she comes the closest.

So I was having a big of a crisis moment. I have been looking into some part-time job opportunities to get me out of my current career path and into one that I am hoping will make me happier. I know that it is a huge step backwards for me. It would taking less money and living somewhere more expensive. It means moving. It means certain people in my family judging me because they stayed put when things were not great for them. It means some scary scary shit. So I called her and I asked for her honest objective opinion. It didn't have to be doom and gloom "you'll never make it, what are you thinking" and it didn't have to be a passionate ego boost of "follow your heart, you can't go wrong, it'll all work out." It all doesn't always work out. And she came through even more so than I imagined. I thought I would get a "Of course you're not stupid for wanting out, but look at the pros and cons." Instead I got "You just have to make yourself happy, even if that means trying something new." She was so supportive telling me that checking into the opportunities doesn't mean you have to say yes if they offer you a job, and then she kept saying "we." "When it comes to that we'll check on the best places to live. When it comes time to break it to the rest of the family we'll do that too." As if I wasn't all alone in this and that she'd help me how ever she could with out ever actually using those words. It made me cry. Because I knew that my parents would call me crazy they'd use every ounce of their being to tell me what a bad decision I was making. But here she was telling me that she would stand by me, next to me, with me when it came time to say, No I didn't consult you, I'm doing this, because it may not be safe, but I'm going to be happier for it. I thought she was cool before, but like I said, she's only gotten cooler the longer I've known her.

And the non-intellectual, soul searching post of today

L called me last week wanting to "date" me. He thought that because of my social shyness that I would also be really shy in bed. The fact that I was willing to fool around with him a couple of weeks ago made him want to date me. Hmmm....why do I get the feeling that when he says "date" he really just means "fuck" with some extra hanging out so it seems less dirty?

I also went on a first date with a new guy (G) a week ago. My girl friend set me up with him kind of. I was hanging out with her one night and she told me that she told a co-worker to come by if he had time. That way we could meet and it wouldn't have the super akwardness of a blind date. He's younger, just out of college, but really smart and a great coversationalist. Unlike L, I actually get to talk sometimes too. Our first date consisted of chineese dinner, coffee (hot chocolate for me..it was a weeknight) and bowling. We didn't have the easy comradery that I had with the X, or with other friends of mine. Our bowling trips were always complete with lots of cheering, a little booty shaking when we did well, hugs, and high-fives. Of course I can't expect much with it being a first date and only the second time we'd seen each other ever. With the X we'd worked together a little before he asked me out. And he called me a few days later, we're going to go out again, on the weeked this time.

I have been missing the X lately. It seems that ever since I blew off his hiking trip a month
ago he doesn't really want to talk to me much. I could understand it when he was first mad at me, but it has been long enough. I had a friend once who organized a roadtrip with 2 other people to go see my favorite band, a band that I introduced her to. She didn't even invite me. I found out about it after the fact (deja vu...I think I've blogged this story before). I am still friends with her. I stood up at her wedding and went to her baby shower. If I can do that he should get over a hiking trip. I just miss being able to talk about the quirky things that he and I have in common. I miss that comfortable-ness that we had between us, even when I was afraid that I was leading him on. I wish there was a way for us to be real friends.

And on a side note: Why are complete strangers driven to make fun you because of stupid shit, like the way you talk? I mean what makes them think that they are so superior that they have right to cut down someone they don't even know? I realize that based solely on appearences, with my glasses on, and a coat covering my clothes I might at first glance look like an 18 year old college student, but even so, what is so funny about the word "vibe" that someone cuts into my conversation with a friend to mock my use of the word?

Sometimes I really hate people.

When will I be unafraid?

I started wasting time reading blogs and decided to look through the archives at Cruel virgin. I was just interested in seeing the evolution of a blog so many it seems, when I blog-surf don't make it more than a post or two, maybe a few months at the most. But I also think the more successful (longer lasting) blogs also have something worth reading and therefore attract readers, which makes bloggers more likely to come back and write more.

But anyway....I wrote a comment in an old post and it got me thinking. I've had this thought before and I often plan, if I ever find the right postcard, to send this to Post Secret: "The things I want to do most in life, are the things I am most afraid of doing." (So if you ever see that one!)

I don't want to be working this job. I don't like all the people I work with (maybe I've been lucky, but I've never had it happen where more than 1 person at my work -that I have contact with- I can't stand so much), I am disliking the actual work, the work environment, the drive to and from, I don't actually get to do the work which drove me to this profession to begin with. It is so closely linked to academia that I see I myself doing research and grant work for the rest of the foreseeable future if I stay here, and having my worth dependent upon the success of those. What I would love to do is work with books. I was an English major, I love reading, I love writing, I love ripping apart manuscripts and making comments about how to make them better. So why the hell haven't I gone into the book industry? Why did I think that education and intellectualism, academia and the sharing of information would suite me that much better? I hate sales. I don't want to sell people anything. In my naive view of academics I really thought that I wouldn't have to. But what is the difference between sales and politicking really? I have to sell myself, prove my worth, sell my projects, my programs, my grant proposal to my coworkers, my boss, my dean. And I don't get to read, I don't get to discuss literature, theory, books. The only things I've been editing lately have been my cover letters (if only I could do that properly).

I want to move. I want to live on my own. I want to ballroom dance. I want to learn a martial art. I want to get really good at ballet. I want to speak Spanish. I want to be a better person than I am.

Where the fear comes in is that what if I fail? What if I'm really no good at it? What if I end up not liking it as much I think? What if it's too hard for me to grasp? What if this is the best possible me that I'll ever be?

I had a Psych 100 class once describe procrastination as a symptom of a fear of failure. You put something off until the last minute because deep down (unknowingly probably) you are afraid that you'll do it badly. Then if it does go badly, like you get a bad grade on a paper, you can blame the procrastination. "If I had started earlier I would have gotten an A." And if it goes well..."I thrive on the last minute pressure." It becomes a vicious cycle. I don't know if this is true for everyone who procrastinates, but I think that it might actually be the case for me.

I might also have a touch of ADD. I can't work in my cube when other people are around it distracts me too much, I walk around while I write or do work at home, I flip channels instead of watching any one thing on TV, unless I'm in a movie theater I can't watch a whole movie with out stopping, I prefer to tape the shows I watch so that I don't have to sit through the whole hour, or if I do watch it I get up or flip at each commercial, not even video game can hold my attention for too long before I'm itching to be up and moving (it could also be that I'm over-caffeinated and constantly on a sugar high). The most productive I have been at work are when I come in at 7:30 and I'm the only one in the office, when I stay after 6 and I'm the only one in the office, the one time that I had to go up to the 3rd floor staff room and all I had competing for my attention was the refrigerator humm.

I had a big grant proposal that I needed to have done on Monday morning so it could be sent to the approval office and mailed before the due date. I turned down two dates (one with a best girl friend and one with L) in order to stay home and work on it. I also had materials to create before a Tuesday morning meeting. Well, needless to say nothing got done over the weekend and not a whole lot more on Monday. Tuesday morning I was rushing to finish the proposal (couldn't get my budget numbers to match up correctly) and get it off before the meeting which I hadn't prepared materials for (I ended up not needing them - lucky). Part of my frustration, and how it ties into fear of failure, is that this was the largest grant I've worked on and I was doing it on my own with no direction and little help. The parts that my boss was going to work on didn't materialize so on Tuesday I was writing those. I don't know why the dean wants us to apply for it since we don't really fall into the proper category of projects they're looking for. And, if we do get the funding there is a small chance that they'll use that money to offer me a full time position. What do I say if they offer it to me? Great thanks, let me just sell my soul and future happiness for medical benefits. But how much easier would it be to just say yes, take the pay check, continue doing what I'm doing, smile through my teeth and keep the irritation out of my voice, keep my head down and not speak up at meetings.

I had lunch with my X and a mutual friend. We bitched about our jobs. They work in a different department, with different people, but it's the same system. My X has been working here for almost 3 years now, our friend longer as far as I know. They've never gotten out how do I? They go home and play World of Warcraft for 5 hours or more. I go home and watch dancing with the stars in between rampant flipping of channels. I hope that I'm not living my future now, but I am still afraid of changing.

I want to know where my 21 year old self went. I hated my job then and as soon as I got a break I ran away. I went to Scotland to study abroad and I ended up staying for 2 years. I had the time of my life, I met wonderful friends, and a wonderful guy (who eventually ripped my heart out of my chest and left if bloody on the floor of Heathrow Airport, but it was worth it). I left alot of people that I cared about behind in the states to go, and I blatantly defied my parents and my grandfather when I stayed. I took out student loans, got a job, and managed to pay for everything, but I didn't have to find a place to live, make rent on time, pay for utilities. It was a university atmosphere which helped make the transition and I am afraid that if I just up and move to a new city with out having that type of campus life safety net that I am going to flounder alone and end up sad and miserable. But these are concerns that totally escaped me at the time. Fear didn't enter into my thinking until that first trip abroad and I started crying on the plane, but once I got there it evaporated. I wish that I could tap into that fearlessness again and just go for it. Fuck all of the money concerns and the what ifs. I just want the courage to do what I really want.

Friday Quiz

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. You spend a lot on clothes, and you tend to be a very dresser. However, it's hard for you to throw away trendy clothes when they go out of style. You are a little shy and easily embarrassed. You often wonder if you are normal. In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.

What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You?

Oddly enough, this is pretty much it, on a very basic level. Obviously, I'm quite a complicated person who can not be summed up by a 3 question quiz about how I keep my bathroom, but like my tarot cards, sometimes it's all in the interpretation of things.

I think that "self-centered" is a little harsh. I'm not conceited, but I admit I do tend to think about myself more often than not. "You don't solve other people's problems" implies that I'm not a helpful person, but I am. My entire job revolves around helping people. I don't mind listening to other people's problems, but by no means am I solution finder. Of course it's true I don't expect others to solve my problems - there is no white knight that is going to swoop in and make my life cake and biscuits anytime soon.

I'd like to know what a "very dresser" is. Somebody forgot an adjective there. I do buy alot of clothes, but I'm very thrifty. I love clearance racks and sales. I'm sort of obsessed with EXPRESS though. They're actually beyond my budget and they sell jeans for $60 (as opposed to $200 like some stores). I splurged and bought an interview suit there, before I even had an interview to go on. It looks like I might never get to use it for that either. The tags are still on it. Someday I'm going to have a "real" job and I'll at least get to wear the peices. I just hope it's still in style when that happens.

"You are shy and easily embarrased. You often wonder if you are normal." That is spot on! I am shy and I usually berate myself for small social mistakes wanting to just sink into the floor and disapear. I can't imagine that this type of thinking is "normal" in the sense that alot of other people do it.'

Yeah, I expect things like phone calls from the person I'm in a relationship with! I think that statement pretty much sums up why the X and I were ultimately doomed. He was actually pretty romantic when he felt like it...flowers on our anniversary, spontaneous trips to the country, candles in the bedroom. But I think I was way to demanding of his time. I did treat him like gold though...I made him a kilt for his birthday for crying out loud. If that's not gold I don't know what is.

Stuck inside

Ahhhh....not fair. The gym is doing a demonstration outside on campus this afternoon. I can hear the music through my office window and I know that J is out there giving mini-lessons. I'm stuck at my god damn cubicle "multi-tasking." I am supposed to be working on a grant proposal budget, while I wait for emails to come pooring in with stupid "how do I find" questions.

I am also really mad that I went and got a new ID card because the dude at the gym told me I couldn't get staff access coded on the card until I had a staff card. So I did that and called up to make sure I could get it coded today. Turns out that that guy was wrong. All wrong! Because I'm technically part-time faculty the coding was done as soon as I paid. I had no need to give up my student card. Imagine all the discounts I'm missing out on. Every time I go to the movies now I am going to think about that $1 I could have saved.

But on the up side...Dancing with the Stars is too much fun. Last night the guys danced the Cha-Cha with their partners and the women danced the Fox Trot (snooze!). I admit, that I called in, and used 2 email addresses to vote. I voted a bunch for Tucker Carlson, who can't dance worth anything, but it is just too much fun to watch, and for Mario Lopez, who now that he's grown up and ditched the mullet, is too hot for his own good. J actually looks like he could be Mario Lopez's younger brother. J is like the rougher, slimmer, proto-type of Mario Lopez. Like when God was creating Mario, he practiced first and made J. Which is fine with me because Mario is married and I'll never in my wildest dreams meet him. But J is outside...dancing, and I seriously wish it was 2:30 already so I could go out there too. That's still 53 minutes from now. Grrr...

I did run into him and said hi yesterday. We were both working out at the same time (I've been guest passes) last night. He came over to the treadmill next to me (I made 2 miles in 22 minutes!) but I couldn't really talk. So we went over and streched together. Then he walked me to my car and kissed me. With any luck he'll come over tonight. Keeping my fingers crossed.

If he doesn't though, I have this crazy idea/plan. There is another ballroom dance class starting at our gym next week, one that J doesn't teach. J is thinking of taking another job at a studio that pays really well, but wants him to teach 4 styles, so he's got to learn at least 1 more. I was already planning on checking out this new class even though I don't have a partner. So...I'm thinking I can ask J if he wants to come with me. I think it would be easiest for me if I could leave him a voicemail that way I don't have to hear the rejection face to face (if rejection it is), but if he comes over I might jump off the cliff and just ask him in person. If he says no, I'm no worse off than I was before I asked. And he just might say okay.

45 minutes until relative freedom...or at least until I can stop by J's mini-lesson w/ the excuse that I was on my way to lunch.

A little Wednesday Nietzsche

"All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."
(I think that all we have to do is look around today's society, our government, our news and see how true this statement is. Truth is subjective. It becomes even clearer as we look into history. )

"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
(That is definitely true of me.)

"Distrust everyone in whom the impulse to punish is powerful."
(I wish people would have thought of this statement 5 years ago.)

I feel like a complete moron

I applied for a couple of jobs yesterday. They are basically the same thing and the requirements and qualifications listed are almost identical. So I carefully wrote the first cover letter had friends edit it and give me feed back. I reorganized my resume to highlight the correct skill sets and abilities that these jobs needed. I send the first one off great. The second cover letter, I take out the company specific parts and change them, add a little here and take a bit away there, so that it matches better. I send that one off.

Today I look at it. In the second one I forgot to put a space between two words. Looks likethis. In my cover letter I say that I have honed my "attention to detail." Yeah, they're gonna know that's a lie.

So, I am fixing the cover letter again to send off to another company, essentially the same job, I send it. This time I look and I forgot to take out one of those specific statements: "my interests in XYX fit particularly well with your company" --only that interest has nothing to do with the company I sent this 3rd application to.

Right, so it has been determined that I am completely unqualified for these jobs. Great. There goes all hope for my future. I realize that I was over eager, hurried, and distracted, but "hi, welcome to the real working world." Those are the conditions that I'm going to have to work under. I should have double checked. I should re-save my cover letter each time I change it and print out the old one if I need to go back to it. Or I need to organize my "Employment" folder to have stuff from each application so I stop getting confused. Yeah, so much for "excellent organizational skills" I tout in my cover letter to.

Desperation has made my brain rot. I just keep fantasizing about not having this job anymore. I daydream about somebody interviewing me and saying "when can you start? is tomorrow good?" Then I'd say absolutely, I would love to in a very calm and professional manner. As soon as I was out of their sight, though, I'd jump up and down estatically and kiss a total stranger on both cheeks in my happiness and enthusiasm.

Edited to add: In case anyone reading takes a note of the number of glaring mistakes and spelling errors that are in my blog--I don't edit them, I don't run spell check. They're mostly done on the fly in an attempt to get out thoughts and feelings quickly. My work is a differnt story.

A Boy Named Sue

Well, it's official: L is not gay.

Apparently this whole time he's been way attracted to me. The same way that I am attracted to J, the way he just has to stand near me to get me all tingling feeling, L feels that way about me. Which is completely flattering, but I am just not that attracted to him.

How did this revelation come about? L and I were at sunday brunch talking and he said as much. Then we were watching a movie and the next thing I know he's feeling me up, turning the movie off and making-out with me! It turns out his "I'm not dating" statement only held true for the summer. Now that it's september, he wants to get it on.

First off, he's a bad kisser. Really bad. Tight lips, open mouth with almost no tongue. It was just aweful and then it seemed like he didn't even really want to kiss that much, just attack my neck and ear and stuff. Explain to me how a guy can whip out his tongue and do amazing things to my ear but won't do that in my mouth.

After our conversation at brunch where we were talking about relationships and I was touting the idea of not getting married to the first person you're with etc. I get the feeling that he chose yesterday as the day to maul me because he thought I was easy. But it's one thing to say something and another thing to actually do them. But after a little while I didn't want him to think I was tease either. So we ended up fooling around...for 3 hours!!!! The guy has insane amounts of stamina. I actually got bored.

And then there's his idea of kinky. I won't go into details because it's a bit embarrasing (for L), but the guy gets off on being humiliated. Eww...I'm not doing that for a guy every time we do it. And I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk through the whole thing. Let me be in the moment for a sec. Thank god we didn't actually have sex. It would have been so hard to say "never again!"

Part of the problem is my lack of attraction to him. Not that I didn't get into it, but at the same time I kept comparing him to J. Who's taller and more muscular. L is too skinny. I get the guy perspective on "too skinny" now. I don't want to grab onto a guy and feel his ribs.

We did talk alot afterwards...probably soemthing that should have been done before. But he asked me what I was expecting from this. "This" being the previous encounter. I told him the truth, a) I was very confused because I always assumed we were "just friends," b) personality-wise I didn't see us making a romantic connection because he reminds me too much of some Xs that I've had, c) I'm not as attracted to him as he is to me and d) I don't want to be his fuck-buddy. Turns out, D was what he wanted. Friends with Benefits and he didn't understand why I didn't want that "doesn't it make you feel liberated?" I hated to tell him I already had a friends with benefits situation, so I didn't. I just told him there were plenty of other ways to feel liberated.

Anyway...despite the 3 hour bedroom romp L and I are back to where we were, theoretically anyway. I don't know how I'm supposed to hang out with him now.

Working 9 to 5

A list of things I would like to tell my co-workers today:

1. shut the fuck up
2. it's a complicated piece of machinery you idiot
3. I'd like to see even one of you morons fix it
4. so maybe you should give the repair guy a fucking break instead of calling him tweedle-dum behind his back
5. maybe if you stopped jabbering at him about customer service it would be fixed by now
   
6. shut the fuck up
7. I don't give a shit what you are considering having for lunch
8. why are you looking at me like I'm supposed to know how much juice costs?
9. I'm not a god-damn vending machine
10. one week! you expect me to get this done in a week!
11. I'm not a god-damn miracle worker
12. shut the fuck up you fucking mouth breather
13. wipe the drool off your face, then speak
14. it's called chapstick. Use it.
15. yes, I did know that, because I'm not stupid like you
16. just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean someone else is wrong
17. technology is not a fad, learn to use it yourself already
18. stay out of my conversation unless I invite you in
19. is your master degree in idioticy or moronity?
    

Karma Chameleon

I don't think I'm psychic. I don't know that I even believe in that. I do believe in self-fufilling prophesy, but I don't think it is something in my mindset that made J wait 3 days to call me. And I believe in Karma. Though, again I'm not sure what I did that karma could have effected when J would pick up the phone and say hi. Unless there is some very petty higher power who looked in my brain and said "If she thinks it will take 3 days, let it take 3 days!" and zap made it happen. That seems fairly ridiculous.

Right on cue J called last night. Three days later just like I thought. I did infact reject the call. There was something very satisfying abot seeing "Incoming call rejected" on my phone. If only it had thier name from my phone book instead of "incoming call" that would make it that much sweeter. If I hadn't been in a store at the time I would have shouted at the phone too, something with the word "jackass" in it. He left a message, but with out even an apology or an excuse for not calling me til now. "Just wondering what you were doing tonight." Ignoring you! that was my plan. Watch it be a week now before I hear from him again. Knock on wood.

Nowhere Man, sitting in his Nowhere Land

Sometimes a long hard cry can be good for you, except for the resulting pounding headache, puffy eyes, and stuffed-up nose.

I was watching Dark Angel last night (I'm a sucker for TV/Films w/ 90lb girls who kick ass) and they had a character who was genetically engineered to be forgettable, over-looked and nearly invisible. I feel like that sometimes. I realize that some of it is my fault, that I need to put myself out there in order to be recognized. But it seems that even when I do I get overlooked.

My phone rang twice last night. The first was a friend who is critiquing my resume so I can get the hell out of my job, and the second was my brother looking for my mom's vacation number. I was glad to hear from both of them, especially my brother who I haven't talked to in months. But there was also a sense of disapointment. I wanted so badly for it to be J, not because I wanted to talk to him, I really don't at this point, I'm too pissed off. But I wanted to hit Reject when he called. There is something so satisfying about not just ignoring the ringing phone, but actually hitting a button that says "talk to my voicemail, jackass, I'm too busy to speak with you right now." But he didn't call, and he hasn't called. I'm beginning to wonder if somebody gave him a copy of The Rules where some stupid women said that guys should always wait 3 days before calling a girl because 72 hours seems to be his M.O. Of course my sweet and generous nature is thinking of all the possibilities that must be keeping him from taking 3 minutes to dial my number and say hello. (Yeah, that sounds stupid even to me...but there you go.)

I'm trying to figure out why it is that I always like the guys who don't really want me. The guys that don't call back when they say they will, the guys that give the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, the ones that have girlfriends on the side, or are dating other girls and decide that one of them would make a better girlfriend, the ones that are like a brother and don't really have any romantic notions toward me. I went out with L a couple of weeks ago and we had to cut it short so he could go to a party. A party he told me wasn't going to have enough girls at it. A party with a social dance theme and not enough girls. I met L at a social dance, and I'm a girl. Did he think to invite me? No. I met J at his dance lessons. I invite him to social dances in my area. He tells me that he can't make plans on a certain day and a week later it's because he went to a dance. He tells me he's obsessed with dancing and wants to go more often. Does J invite me to go dancing? No.

Because I'm freaking invisible.

Hence the astronomical cry-fest I had last night. The fact that I couldn't sleep didn't help any. Kind of like when you can tell that a baby is overly tired because they're fussy and won't go to sleep. That's how I was last night. But, I did wake up feeling somewhat better. Emotionally drained, and with giant puffy eyes, but better, with a renewed sense of I Got to Get the Hell Out of Here. I've got 2 projects to work on for work and the rest of the time it's cover letters for other jobs. I know I just spent a boat load on a gym membership and I was looking forward to some of the classes, but it's a small sacrifice.

I saw my tarot cards sitting on my bookshelf this morning. I hadn't read my cards in months. My favorite is to ask a question while shuffling and pull just one card. I did it twice. First I was thinking about J and got:


Because it's reversed (upside down) the Strength card means "Weakness, possible dishonor, discord." I certainly do have a weakness where J is conserned. I was actually thinking about what I would do if he called me today, how I could move my errands to Friday before going to my uncle's birthday if J wanted to get together tonight. I was thinking this after last night, when I was really angry and thinking of just ending things with him. I am trying to figure out how to go back to his dance class with out feeling embarassed about the fact that he blew me off. That's how I see it. All I can figure is that when he does finally either call me or I run into him I end it. All I have to say is that we're too busy. I may not really be too busy, but I think he is. I obviously don't figure prominently in his life. Not that I think I should, after all I just sleep with him occasionally. But I do believe that I warrant some common curtesy like a phone call when you say you will.
There is definitely some discord, because I am seriously pissed off with him.





The second shuffle I was thinking about my job, or my job prospects really and I pulled this one:


This one is a good sign. The Queen of Pentacles means a generous woman, success and wealth. (or something like that, I'm paraphrasing). I use the aquarian deck (pictured), but other decks call the queen of pentacles a successful business woman. Sometimes my tarot readings really confuse me in that they don't really seem to match my question or require alot of interpretation. But this time I think they ended up dead on. Well, I certainly hope that this card gives me the right attitude to get my resume's out there and move on to a different job.

True Wife Confessions

Along the lines of PostSecret this is a really good blog.

Just like it sounds True Wife Confessions is women venting about their lives. They're not all bad, but most are. Some are about Xes that they hate, or Xes they still love. All in all it's some extra good voyerism

Campus Life

I am hemorrhaging money. I have spent more in the past few days than I did all of last month. I went out over Labor Day weekend, bought lunch, a nice professional blazer and a pair of hot-pants like shorts for dancing (both of which were on clearance and cost be a total of $12!!) and a CD. I didn't think much of it since it was all pretty cheap.

But then came the first day of the semester. I decided to get staff parking since I'm working 5 days a week and with more people on campus I lost my "secret" free parking spot. If I were a salaried employee I'd be able to have the cost taken out of my paycheck. Even though I work 40 hrs a week I am technically part-time and hourly so they won't deduct the cost from my pay. Fine, I figured I could pay monthly and just put it on my credit card. Nope. It's by the semester. It's still cheaper than paying by the day, I can also leave and come back if I need to, but still it's $180 when I expected to shell out $45. It ends up being exactly the same as if I paid by the month AND they said that if I cancel they'll re-imburse me for the time I didn't use.

I should have learned my lesson from that experience, but no. I went to the gym to get my staff membership there too. About a month after I stopped being a student and had been a staff they finally withdrew my access. Thank goodness I can sweet talk people because I got 2 weeks of guest passes to get me through until the start of the semester (though thinking on it now, it didn't really save me any $$). So I go to sign up and they tell me they can't take the $10 a week from my paycheck and I'll either have to have a monthly withdrawl from my checking account or pay the whole in full. If I had admitted to being a 12 month contract I'd have had to pay $250, but claiming a 9 month I "only" had to pay $190. At least they didn't want proof. I was hoping to have it taken out of my paycheck so that when I do leave before the 9 months are up I don't have to keep paying for gym access I'm not going to be allowed to use. No such luck.

The good news is that because I got there so early in the semester I was able to sign up for my classes at 1/3 of the price! So in the end I think it's worth it. Not to mention a) if I went elsewhere for gym membership it would be pretty darn close to the same amount, b) if I went elsewhere for my classes they'd easily be $75 for one 6 week class and here I get as many as I want to go to for 4 months. Which means that in the end I got my money's worth.

At the end of the month I also have a computer to pay off - $1200 dollars. The whole Bill Me Later option seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that I have to pay up after having spent more than $300 yesterday, I'm not liking it so much.

On the plus side, I keep thinking of what I'm saving by not moving out on my own. Suddenly living with my mom looks fantastic!

Fixed the Font

Yay! So the font isn't abnormally huge and bold anymore. I some how figured that it probably came about because I re-did the template on a mac.

contradictions

I was staying up way too late on Sunday and ran across Ebert & Roper (except that Ebert wasn't there) and they were reviewing a new version of Lassie.

Besides the fact that they gave the movie 2 thumbs up they described a character in it as "sad and cheerful."

I realized how aptly that describes me too. I am usually miserable about something. There is always something in my life bringing me down. But if I were to describe myself to anyone I'd say that I was upbeat, or cheerful. I do put on a happy face. I laugh and I joke, and I don't believe that I'm being insincere either.

It makes me wonder how I reconcile the two. How can I possibly be cheerful, but unhappy? Am I happy being miserable? I certainly hope I don't end up one of those people.

And I'm not coming back...

The apartment sucked. "Bigger than a studio" my ass. It was small and chopped up. Not that I expect studios to be big, but at least make them open not all divided so it looks even smaller. It had 2 tiny windows that opened on the parking lot. So I give up. I'm done looking, wasting my time, when what I really want is to get out of my job and find something permanent. Which, if it goes right will take me out of this god-aweful place. The only thing keeping me here at the moment are my dance classes and if I get some courage when I move, and if I want to meet new people, I'll get off my ass and find places to dance where ever I move to. The parentals are back in 2 weeks. They'll be around for 2 months before leaving again. I think I can stand 2 months of sharing the house. But the question on my mind is what do and J and I do? Fall and winter mean less than hospitable conditions for the BSS and with no where else to go we're kind of screwed in the bad way.

I broke down and called J on Friday. I say that I have this "no calling guys" rule, but the truth is I often cave in. So Friday night on my way home from a baseball game I called him and left a message. Afterwards I felt that it sounded very desperate. Basically I said I'd be home all day doing nothing on Saturday if he was free. It also sounded like a total booty-call. He called back and said he was out of town with family and he'd call monday when they got back. Yeah, that didn't happen.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just let this dwindle. He's calling me less and less. I'm tempted to just get the message and stop trying so hard. He's never going to be my boyfriend, so why am I bothering so much?