April 20, 2006

What the Hell is Wrong with ME?

That guy I want...nay...the man that I want. I fantasize about him constantly. After the initial "apology" flip out that I had, I calmed down. We talk now and then when he's passing by at work, we've traded a couple of myspace messages and he took me out to dinner once. Still and all we're just friends. I can't help wanting him though. I try to imagine all the senarios in which I might possibly get him to kiss me. But I've yet to be in any such situation. I mean if he didn't try to make a move after taking me out he's never going to right?

So in order to get out my physical urges I have been answering the booty-calls of the X. Two weeks in a row now. It starts out friendly just hanging or saying hi, but we both know why we we're hanging out and inevitably we end up f*cking. I've stayed the night too and we did it the next morning.

Which leads me to feeling aweful. Certainly I should have more self respect than to sleep with a guy who broke up with me. And while it seems like a good idea the night of, the next morning generally I only do it because I didn't wake up in time to sneak out. Then there is the fact that the whole time I'm thinking about the other guy. It's hard... they are nothing a like physically, but still I do my best.

I totally get that I'm selling myself short, but at the same time, if man #1 doesn't want me and the ex is willing to get it on should I really be second guessing this?