Saturday, August 25, 2007
Lucky Day
I'm so proud that I put my moritorium on clothes buying. Because I just won a $100 shopping spree!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Illustrated guide to my low self-esteem
The sources of my discontent:
1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.
2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.
3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.
4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.
And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:
Then there's this:
Compared to me.
And the infamous booty shorts:
1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.
2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.
3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.
4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.
And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:
Then there's this:
Compared to me.
And the infamous booty shorts:
I mean really - she's hit the genetic jackpot on her lower body. The only thing I can really pick out on her is the noticable "man abs." When she wears low rise it's even more obvious that she's got no waist and handles on her abs like men have. But other than those two things - I can't put a picture of her and the fact that she's tanner and has better skin. bleh.
This is what I compare myself to on a nearly daily basis. No wonder I hate these elements of my body.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Weekend Ups and Downs
Saturday was another day of special workshops with famous instructors. On Wednesday when I went out they were handing out flyers so I thought that there was a chance that J would show up. He went to the one in October, and the one in March when he was with BMG.
So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.
I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.
Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.
The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.
That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.
Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?
It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.
So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.
I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.
Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.
The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.
That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.
Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?
It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Why does this bother me?
I wish I could extinguish the torch I carry for J. I really do. Months later little things still turn me on or make me mad.
Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.
I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.
I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.
I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.
On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.
On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.
Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.
I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.
I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.
I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.
On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.
On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
And the reality
I've been really good with caffeine. I've not had any in days. Sugar - not so much.
I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.
I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?
I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.
That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.
Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.
I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.
The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.
I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.
I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.
I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?
I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.
That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.
Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.
I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.
The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.
I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Why do they call it?
Why do they call it "loosing" one's virginity?
I for one know exactly where I left mine.
I for one know exactly where I left mine.
This is how it's going to be
1) There is a moretorium on all clothes purchases until Christmas clearance sales. I must wear all my dance gear that I have already bought before then. My mother says she'll take me shopping when she comes back to town as part of a girls day out since she's been gone longer than she wanted, and I've been taking care of her mail and plants. At that time, I will only get work clothes. I am returning 3 items I've bought and am not going to wear to a savings of $20 (they were all on clearance). The only exception to the purchasing rule will be at Halloween when I will get a pattern and fabric.
2) I will wake up on time and do 15 minutes of exercise each morning until my gym access opens. At which time I will start jogging in the mornings. I will work on my abs with more frequency.
3) I will add more fruits and vegetables to my diet in the form of fresh produce and stop buying candy.
4) I will give up caffeine for one month and determine the benefits at that time.
5) I will consume more water and less soda daily.
6) I will apply for the open positions I see and think I would like to work at. I will keep an open mind about relocating away from my dance studio. I will put my application in for community college adjunct in the next two weeks.
2) I will wake up on time and do 15 minutes of exercise each morning until my gym access opens. At which time I will start jogging in the mornings. I will work on my abs with more frequency.
3) I will add more fruits and vegetables to my diet in the form of fresh produce and stop buying candy.
4) I will give up caffeine for one month and determine the benefits at that time.
5) I will consume more water and less soda daily.
6) I will apply for the open positions I see and think I would like to work at. I will keep an open mind about relocating away from my dance studio. I will put my application in for community college adjunct in the next two weeks.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Damn those stupid crushes
I have a new crush - another dance instructor (as if I meet anyone else these days).
A guy I have danced with and hung out with some kept talking about this great instructor C. I have my lessons with B, I like him. We clicked right away. He's much older, and he's focused on the fundamentals. He's constructive when he criques and he wants me to ask questions and ask for explination if I don't get it. He picks up on little things very well - in body language, in talking, in dancing. It's amazing. I'm not about to change, but this guy raved about C telling me I'd like him and I should think about having a private lesson with him. I know some dancers take a private lessons with different teachers at different times - but I liken mine to having a coach of sorts. I just want to have my one-on-one with B. So, I'm at a social dance and I get introduced to C. He asks me to dance and it was aweful. His lead was too light, he danced in a weird lose style I didn't recognize. Not great. And if I didn't already know he was an instructor I'd have guessed that he at least thought he was by his "dance floor" teaching.
So I was very disapointed when I went to group lessons this week, B wasn't there, but C was. He was subbing. I stuck around, because I was excited for the lessons - there were two new dances for me. I quickly wished I'd left. C was so condecending. He's used to privates, so he would spend 10 minutes at a time with a single person while the rest of us waited. I got that treatment once and I wished he hadn't. I think he eventually got frustrated with me - he just gave me this look and moved on to someone else. But, he kept asking me - "feel this? that's where you..." I wanted to say, and I should have "no, I don't feel it! You have a weak lead. and I DON'T feel it!" Then later on when I partnered with him on another dance - he kept telling me "no, go foward." and I'm thinking - what direction am I going in if this isn't foward? He never once said - you're swinging out, which is all I can really figure was going on, just "no, do this." I'm sorry, but if you want me to correct something, then I need to know first what I did wrong. I was not pleased when I finished the last class. I was pretty much set to ardently dislike him from then on.
Some of us decided to grab food afterward - and one of them invited C. C shows up and now I have to mingle with him over a late dinner. He spend a good amount of time flirting with the other girl at the table. But I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, I didn't click with him as at eacher, but man he's cute.
Then, I'm out at my normal place on Thursday and there he is. He spent like 3 songs talking to me, but he bought me a drink. We danced and he said that I was very good - I think he ended up getting drunk. But he was fun none-the-less. I saw him sit down and start talking to BMG at one point, she looked bored out of her mind and like she wanted nothing more than for him to leave. I laughed.
Her regular partner, show off guy - asked me to dance twice. He did some pretty fancy moves with me too, ones I've only ever seen him do with his regular partners.
But still - he's dead cute.
Tonight I got a random invite to J's club, from this guy I met back in November. He's leaving town and wanted to say good-bye. I've wanted to go back there for a while, so after furiously texting a few people for back up, I went. Only the guys showed up. L came, K, and CF. L didn't have a good time, but K and CF and the guy I met there were good sports. They have an even newer dj who played slightly better music. A little too heavy on the hip hop, but I ended up having a good time. Part of it was that J was not around. He was there but he was working valet. I said hi on the way in and out, I saw him briefly twice otherwise. And oddly I'm okay. I think I'm getting closer to friendly and away from nervousness.
A guy I have danced with and hung out with some kept talking about this great instructor C. I have my lessons with B, I like him. We clicked right away. He's much older, and he's focused on the fundamentals. He's constructive when he criques and he wants me to ask questions and ask for explination if I don't get it. He picks up on little things very well - in body language, in talking, in dancing. It's amazing. I'm not about to change, but this guy raved about C telling me I'd like him and I should think about having a private lesson with him. I know some dancers take a private lessons with different teachers at different times - but I liken mine to having a coach of sorts. I just want to have my one-on-one with B. So, I'm at a social dance and I get introduced to C. He asks me to dance and it was aweful. His lead was too light, he danced in a weird lose style I didn't recognize. Not great. And if I didn't already know he was an instructor I'd have guessed that he at least thought he was by his "dance floor" teaching.
So I was very disapointed when I went to group lessons this week, B wasn't there, but C was. He was subbing. I stuck around, because I was excited for the lessons - there were two new dances for me. I quickly wished I'd left. C was so condecending. He's used to privates, so he would spend 10 minutes at a time with a single person while the rest of us waited. I got that treatment once and I wished he hadn't. I think he eventually got frustrated with me - he just gave me this look and moved on to someone else. But, he kept asking me - "feel this? that's where you..." I wanted to say, and I should have "no, I don't feel it! You have a weak lead. and I DON'T feel it!" Then later on when I partnered with him on another dance - he kept telling me "no, go foward." and I'm thinking - what direction am I going in if this isn't foward? He never once said - you're swinging out, which is all I can really figure was going on, just "no, do this." I'm sorry, but if you want me to correct something, then I need to know first what I did wrong. I was not pleased when I finished the last class. I was pretty much set to ardently dislike him from then on.
Some of us decided to grab food afterward - and one of them invited C. C shows up and now I have to mingle with him over a late dinner. He spend a good amount of time flirting with the other girl at the table. But I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, I didn't click with him as at eacher, but man he's cute.
Then, I'm out at my normal place on Thursday and there he is. He spent like 3 songs talking to me, but he bought me a drink. We danced and he said that I was very good - I think he ended up getting drunk. But he was fun none-the-less. I saw him sit down and start talking to BMG at one point, she looked bored out of her mind and like she wanted nothing more than for him to leave. I laughed.
Her regular partner, show off guy - asked me to dance twice. He did some pretty fancy moves with me too, ones I've only ever seen him do with his regular partners.
But still - he's dead cute.
Tonight I got a random invite to J's club, from this guy I met back in November. He's leaving town and wanted to say good-bye. I've wanted to go back there for a while, so after furiously texting a few people for back up, I went. Only the guys showed up. L came, K, and CF. L didn't have a good time, but K and CF and the guy I met there were good sports. They have an even newer dj who played slightly better music. A little too heavy on the hip hop, but I ended up having a good time. Part of it was that J was not around. He was there but he was working valet. I said hi on the way in and out, I saw him briefly twice otherwise. And oddly I'm okay. I think I'm getting closer to friendly and away from nervousness.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I've come to the realization
I've finally realized that I don't want a career, or a profession. I don't want extra hours, professional development, and committee meetings. I don't want to have to take the initiative. I just want to sit down, do a job, do it well and leave. A job. Just a job. That's what I want.
I know I'm smart I could do the rest of it. But I don't want to. I don't have the motivation, the drive, the initiative. Because if I do it now, I'm just gonna have to keep doing it, and then it'll just get more and more responsibility from there.
I feel like the guy from Office Space or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty "That's okay, I want a position with the least amount of responsibility possible."
I know I'm smart I could do the rest of it. But I don't want to. I don't have the motivation, the drive, the initiative. Because if I do it now, I'm just gonna have to keep doing it, and then it'll just get more and more responsibility from there.
I feel like the guy from Office Space or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty "That's okay, I want a position with the least amount of responsibility possible."
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
At least they're not mad
So the announcement about my transfer came today - more than 24 hours after it should have been.
The director comes to me takes me outside of our office door, takes my hand in hers and says "so, how are you doing?" As if she gives a shit. Then says she's going to email the announcement about my move and write it so that it sounds like it was my idea.
The funny thing is that - later one of my soon-to-be coworkers sees my current supervisor, and says, "wow, I didn't even know that Free Me applied for that job?" And my supervisor looked totally taken aback. Because I didn't apply for it. It was shoved down my throat.
Maybe it is my cynical nature, but I thought the other department was going to be a little peeved with me getting the job since I don't have the background. But they actually seemed really pleased. Sorry that I had to go through shit from the administration, but pleased that I'd be with them. They even said that I'd have a much better time of it there because they were very supportive. The person who's place I am taking said not to worry that it's pretty easy. A huge part of my anxiety was lifted when I found out that they were okay with me coming over to their side.
Another part of my anxiety is from wondering about my ability to do this job. I don't want to get fired in 3 months if I don't have something new.
The director comes to me takes me outside of our office door, takes my hand in hers and says "so, how are you doing?" As if she gives a shit. Then says she's going to email the announcement about my move and write it so that it sounds like it was my idea.
The funny thing is that - later one of my soon-to-be coworkers sees my current supervisor, and says, "wow, I didn't even know that Free Me applied for that job?" And my supervisor looked totally taken aback. Because I didn't apply for it. It was shoved down my throat.
Maybe it is my cynical nature, but I thought the other department was going to be a little peeved with me getting the job since I don't have the background. But they actually seemed really pleased. Sorry that I had to go through shit from the administration, but pleased that I'd be with them. They even said that I'd have a much better time of it there because they were very supportive. The person who's place I am taking said not to worry that it's pretty easy. A huge part of my anxiety was lifted when I found out that they were okay with me coming over to their side.
Another part of my anxiety is from wondering about my ability to do this job. I don't want to get fired in 3 months if I don't have something new.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Should I be weirded out by this?
So, I know I have a problem. I am addicted to shopping. I wasn't always like this. I liked to shop as much as the next person, but I didn't over do it.
Now I'm shopping constantly, every other day it seems like. Some of the stuff I have "buyers remorse" about and take back, but not everything. I am amassing a huge collection of dance clothes. I bought some months ago that I still haven't worn yet. I keep trying to put a moritorium on buying dance clothes, but I can't seem to. I've actually thought about cutting up my credit cards.
I found a flouncy skirt in a catalog got it, and it wasn't the color I was expecting - much lighter of a brown, almost tan - still nice and I couldn't exchange the color. But this meant I had to go find a new top to go with it. I did that, bought it, wore it with a work skirt, then went to wear it with the dance skirt only to find out it is too long for the dance skirt. I'm not going to cut it off to go with the dance skirt when it goes so well with work clothes. In my attempt to find a new shirt that would match I got another new skirt.
This one is white and it has attached shorts. It's very cute, and it should be because I found it in the kids department. Yep, it's an extra-large (I could have gone with the large, but it's 100% cotton) kids size, but still a kids size. I even tried on their tank tops hoping they'd be shorter - nope. Just as long and again, I could have worn the large.
I just don't know if I should be more weirded out by the fact that I can fit into a kids size, or that there are kids out there who are my size. I suppose if we are talking "tweens" 9-11 year olds who grow early I could see how you'd want bigger sizes of kids clothes because they're not ready (or shouldn't be) to head to the juniors department (and yeah, I find stuff there too). Otherwise I'm just picturing really fat little kids.
The plus side is that the skirt only cost me $7 regular price. It's definitely cheaper to buy my stuff there.
Now I'm shopping constantly, every other day it seems like. Some of the stuff I have "buyers remorse" about and take back, but not everything. I am amassing a huge collection of dance clothes. I bought some months ago that I still haven't worn yet. I keep trying to put a moritorium on buying dance clothes, but I can't seem to. I've actually thought about cutting up my credit cards.
I found a flouncy skirt in a catalog got it, and it wasn't the color I was expecting - much lighter of a brown, almost tan - still nice and I couldn't exchange the color. But this meant I had to go find a new top to go with it. I did that, bought it, wore it with a work skirt, then went to wear it with the dance skirt only to find out it is too long for the dance skirt. I'm not going to cut it off to go with the dance skirt when it goes so well with work clothes. In my attempt to find a new shirt that would match I got another new skirt.
This one is white and it has attached shorts. It's very cute, and it should be because I found it in the kids department. Yep, it's an extra-large (I could have gone with the large, but it's 100% cotton) kids size, but still a kids size. I even tried on their tank tops hoping they'd be shorter - nope. Just as long and again, I could have worn the large.
I just don't know if I should be more weirded out by the fact that I can fit into a kids size, or that there are kids out there who are my size. I suppose if we are talking "tweens" 9-11 year olds who grow early I could see how you'd want bigger sizes of kids clothes because they're not ready (or shouldn't be) to head to the juniors department (and yeah, I find stuff there too). Otherwise I'm just picturing really fat little kids.
The plus side is that the skirt only cost me $7 regular price. It's definitely cheaper to buy my stuff there.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Don't be nice to me I hate you
Yeah, Thursday night BMG was nice to me. huh?
A week ago I was belle of the ball with so many pictures taken, this week not so much. Even tho YICguy was very complimentary about my outfit. Jean capri's and a tie back hankerchief top.
At the end of the night BMG is saying good bye to people around me where I'm changing my shoes and as she walks by me to go to her stuff she says, "You look really cute tonight." I said thank you and left it there.
I think show off guy might be getting the hate vibe from me toward her. They were dancing on Sunday and I looked over with a feeling of such disgust I'm sure it was there to read plainly. Later that night BMG looked at me funny like she kind of just realized I existed.
But at least I was civil to her in return. Not that I'd ever be mean to someone. Even someone I don't like. I generally believe that people don't deserve that.
A week ago I was belle of the ball with so many pictures taken, this week not so much. Even tho YICguy was very complimentary about my outfit. Jean capri's and a tie back hankerchief top.
At the end of the night BMG is saying good bye to people around me where I'm changing my shoes and as she walks by me to go to her stuff she says, "You look really cute tonight." I said thank you and left it there.
I think show off guy might be getting the hate vibe from me toward her. They were dancing on Sunday and I looked over with a feeling of such disgust I'm sure it was there to read plainly. Later that night BMG looked at me funny like she kind of just realized I existed.
But at least I was civil to her in return. Not that I'd ever be mean to someone. Even someone I don't like. I generally believe that people don't deserve that.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Trying to see the hidden positive
My eldest brother says to look for the hidden positives so that's what I'm trying to do.
I got called in to meet with my Director. It seemed out of the blue to me and I asked a couple of people in my department if I should be nervous. They said there was no way to tell with her. So, I tried not to be. But I should have been.
It was my year end performance evaluation. Now, the director is as high as you go before getting to the Board, but as far as my worker bee status is conserned, she the Boss of Bosses. So, why is she doing my evaluation? Because my immediate supervisor, my department head is a chicken shit coward who didn't want to tell me herself. Yep, my supervisor asked the director to do it, and then she didn't even sit in on the meeting to give her input, when she wrote half of the thing. The other half was done by the Associate Director who hired me and was my supervisor for two months before this one was hired. What little respect I did have for the woman, has gone down the drain. Don't give me a bad review (I somewhat deserved it, but not all of it) and say that I have an attitude problem unless you are willing to tell it to my face. To hand it to a higher up to deal out the bad news is the most cowardly thing I have ever come across in my working life.
But the good news for her is that I will only be working under her for another month. Because I am being Transfered. Yep. I need too much "direction, guidance and mentoring" for my position which has none of those things and I'm being moved to a different department where their supervisor micro-manages everything. The Director then asks me how much course work I did in my degree for this position and I look at her - this is one of the women who interviewed me - before saying, none. I'm thinking - you elitist, out of touch with your own cooperation, bitch - you can't remember back 6 months to know that you asked me that question in the interview and decided to hire me anyway because of my "fresh" ideas.
I love how I was set up for failure and then hung out to dry when I lived up to that expectation.
Because I'm being transfered I have to start over with a three month probationary period. Which means I could get fired before I find a new job.
My current position will be open soon and I will love too see who they screw over next.
I know I wasn't doing some of the things I should, I'm not cut out for it I know that, but one of the things on my evaluation that I didn't deserve was that my programs aren't a big enough draw. I have doubled enrollment in our summer programs over last year's guy.
This place is so full of toxic bullshit I really need to get out. But the hidden positive is that, while I am here, I will actually have a more focused job and a supervisor that actually supervises. Which is what I needed to begin with having come straight out of grad school, but which was not given to me in this position. Maybe in the short time I have left in this hell hole, it will feel more like purgatory.
I got called in to meet with my Director. It seemed out of the blue to me and I asked a couple of people in my department if I should be nervous. They said there was no way to tell with her. So, I tried not to be. But I should have been.
It was my year end performance evaluation. Now, the director is as high as you go before getting to the Board, but as far as my worker bee status is conserned, she the Boss of Bosses. So, why is she doing my evaluation? Because my immediate supervisor, my department head is a chicken shit coward who didn't want to tell me herself. Yep, my supervisor asked the director to do it, and then she didn't even sit in on the meeting to give her input, when she wrote half of the thing. The other half was done by the Associate Director who hired me and was my supervisor for two months before this one was hired. What little respect I did have for the woman, has gone down the drain. Don't give me a bad review (I somewhat deserved it, but not all of it) and say that I have an attitude problem unless you are willing to tell it to my face. To hand it to a higher up to deal out the bad news is the most cowardly thing I have ever come across in my working life.
But the good news for her is that I will only be working under her for another month. Because I am being Transfered. Yep. I need too much "direction, guidance and mentoring" for my position which has none of those things and I'm being moved to a different department where their supervisor micro-manages everything. The Director then asks me how much course work I did in my degree for this position and I look at her - this is one of the women who interviewed me - before saying, none. I'm thinking - you elitist, out of touch with your own cooperation, bitch - you can't remember back 6 months to know that you asked me that question in the interview and decided to hire me anyway because of my "fresh" ideas.
I love how I was set up for failure and then hung out to dry when I lived up to that expectation.
Because I'm being transfered I have to start over with a three month probationary period. Which means I could get fired before I find a new job.
My current position will be open soon and I will love too see who they screw over next.
I know I wasn't doing some of the things I should, I'm not cut out for it I know that, but one of the things on my evaluation that I didn't deserve was that my programs aren't a big enough draw. I have doubled enrollment in our summer programs over last year's guy.
This place is so full of toxic bullshit I really need to get out. But the hidden positive is that, while I am here, I will actually have a more focused job and a supervisor that actually supervises. Which is what I needed to begin with having come straight out of grad school, but which was not given to me in this position. Maybe in the short time I have left in this hell hole, it will feel more like purgatory.
And Now....
I've been asked to meet with the big boss.
I'm freaking out.
It's one thing to hate this place, and to know I'm not doing a good job of it, but that doesn't mean I want the Director asking me for a personal meeting.
I'm freaking out.
It's one thing to hate this place, and to know I'm not doing a good job of it, but that doesn't mean I want the Director asking me for a personal meeting.
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