Life Sucks

Last week was the week from hell. I realize I have neglected this blog for a year, but I really need somewhere to vent.

Let's begin with:

My Orange Kitty was in the animal hospital last week. He was taking antibiotics for a UTI and getting over an upper respiratory infection he began vomiting on Halloween night. The vet said, no more antibiotics it's upsetting his tummy. But it didn't stop. So I took him in and had to leave him there. It turned out that he had swallowed a needle and thread. Probably while I was working on my Halloween costume. Which makes me, like, the worst pet parent ever.

So, I ended up missing a bunch of work to take him to the vet, visit him after surgery, and keep an eye on him the day after he got home - not that that mattered because 12 hours after he was home he was vomiting again. Because this time he'd eaten a piece of paper towel. I told my mother that I wanted to make him a cozy little room in the bathroom where he wouldn't be getting into things, he wouldn't be jumping or wrestling the other cats. And she said no. Why? Because she didn't want him to be alone? No. Because she didn't want him messing up the bathroom doors if he got upset and tried to get out. Which was the reason he couldn't be quarantined in any room. Because that's what's important. Her doors. So instead, he was allowed to wander the house and eat a random piece of paper towel.

Next on the list is:

Fighting with my boyfriend. He's unhappy with me, because I'm pissed at him, because he's going to Africa. With his friends. For a month. And I'm not invited. Originally the trip was just supposed to be a guys trip climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Not too upset that I didn't get asked along on that. Then it turned into going on a month long with his one buddy starting in Egypt and picking up the guys for Kilimanjaro, but wow, it's ending with a 4 day safari. And now I am officially pissed. Because A) when he travels with me he's all like "3 weeks is a long vacation. I don't understand how people travel for months and months," but now he's going for a whole month with a friend and B) a freaking safari! I'm the one who planned our day safaris in India and I didn't even get to see a freakin' tiger up close. I've been wanting to do an African safari since 2001. Before we took those two mega vacations this past year, I was thinking I would as a graduation present put some money toward a safari for both of us. And now what's the freaking point? So we can go at some later date and he can tell me how it's not as good as the one he went on before. Because that's what he did to me in India. At the Taj Mahal, which was the one thing I had to see in India, and he says it's not as impressive as St. Peter's cathedral (which I've never been to btw).

The BF and I are classic examples of opposites attract. Because if our positions were reversed and I was doing this trip with out him. He'd be fine with it. He actually told me to plan a trip with girlfriends if I wanted to. But I'm the type of person who says, "oh, I can't do that with out the BF." or "I'll have to check if the BF wants to do that first." The sad thing is I take it hugely personal when he doesn't think this way. I take it as another sign of his commitment-phobia. Here I am planning on moving to another state with him when he takes a job and he can't even stop to think that maybe going to see the last Harry Potter movie without me might make me a little angry. Or hell, call and ask if I'd mind. I love him and I don't want to break up with him. I know he loves me and doesn't want to break up with me. But I honestly don't know how many more times I can have this same conversation with him. I can't tell if it is literally his personality, if it's his unconscious attempts at holding onto "single-dom" from his fear of commitment (aka marriage); or if it's me and this relationship - like maybe I'm not "the one" for him and he'd be more conscientious to another girl.

I am supposed to go out to dinner with a girlfriend tonight. And I just don't want to talk to her about this. But other than my cat it's the only thing I can think about. The BF is supposed to help me with resume stuff afterward too. I asked him to help me apply for an internship. It was after our discussion (from which we came to no conclusion). The deadline is the day after his deadline to pick a job offer. And I just decided I can't wait for him to do that. Even if he picks one in the same city, that's only 24 hours to get my application in. I haven't explained to him yet, but I really think I need to start looking for work I don't hate in places that aren't just where he's got job offers. I know we won't do a long distance relationship. But I'm starting to feel depression creep up on me again, and I don't know what else to do about it.

Something Borrowed

Yeah, I watched the wedding and all the stuff about the wedding that came after. I couldn't help it. I'm usually not one for weddings. I don't find them particularly interesting even when I know the couple. I like seeing the wedding trappings (dress, flowers etc), but the real interest for me always lies in the reception. Food, booze and dancing an ideal night in my book. So it is a little weird that I decided to get up in the middle of the night to watch it, and watch it again, and again all day. I even got a little teary.... okay, fine, I cried.

I will say that they looked really happy, a little nervous and shy maybe, but still really happy - William looked so proud coming down the aisle at the end. And I have high hopes for their marriage actually working out. Since he's not likely to be King until he's old and gray, maybe they won't have as much pressure as his parents. I still remember the front page of the local paper when Diana died. It was the same day I was moved into my dorm.

I've also been to St. Andews where the couple met. So watching all of the "lead up" about the couple made me really want to go back there. It's such a gorgeous town, right on the ocean and only 3 main streets. But still pretty bustling.

I'm sort of in love with her dress too.

I've considered the style of lace top for if I ever get married, but I really want a red wedding dress, and I don't know that it's really my style, I just love the way it looks. I also really hate strapless. I can not dance in a strapless dress. I have more than one I have tried to dance in and I am forever pulling it up. There is no way that I am doing that at my wedding reception.

Not that I'm getting married any time soon. I don't think I'm really ready for that even if MM were. Which I'm utterly confident that he's not. It's not that I wouldn't love to have a wedding, it's the marriage that comes afterwards I'm not ready to jump into.

Wow.

When in the world did I get 10 followers? And how many of them are spammers? Weird.

Anyway... I'm more than a month back from India and I am slowly crawling my way out of post-travel depression. I never really thought of this as an actual thing before. But looking back on my time in the UK and I realize that it is true.

I thought I wanted to come home from India. It was a rough trip for more than one reason, but with a few days of recuperating I found myself in a black hole. Crying, miserable, binging, sleeping, not sleeping, copping attitude at work, isolating myself. The I saw a photo montage of MM's project member's pictures. And the first thing I thought when I watched it, "I want to go back."

MM has no desire to go back - at least not before we get other places checked off our list and not anytime soon.

It was really hard going back to work and normal daily routines (my hot water heater and furnace both broke while I was away) after getting back. Everyone wants to know how the trip was. Putting it into words and painting an accurate picture is just impossible.

*Sigh* so here are the holidays. 5 Days til Christmas with MM's family. I'm really looking forward to time off of work. I want time at home to clean my house, and I want some time vegging at his parents place. Two and half more days of work...

Excited and Scared

I have a Dream Box. At least that's what I call it. I got the idea from a combination of dream board (goal board) and an anti-procrastination tool I read about. The idea is, when ever you get sidetracked from a project with thoughts of doing something else - "Why am I spending time on this, I should be starting my own business." - you write them down and put them in the box. Then they are off your mind, but not forgotten. I don't think that the time managment guru really expected that I would use the box the way I have - I even decorated it - but it works for me.

I filled my box with things that I want to do someday like:

Learn Spanish
Learn Sign Language
Go to Italy
Decorate my own place

Well, a little while ago I took one of those things out of the box because it's no longer just a dream. I am actually doing it in less than a week....

I am going to India.



I can't remember when India officially went on my list of places I want to visit. In high school I was obsessed with the Beatles and especially George Harrison. There is no doubt that India effected them. Then in graduate school I started reading the Dalai Lama's biography, who is in exile in India. At the same time I was working with a girl from India. At some point I just decided that this was a place that I needed to see.

I have to say that I am ridiculously excited to be going. I am going with MM and we are meeting my friend in her home city before going to New Delhi and traveling the "Golden Triangle." I am looking forward to seeing the Taj Mahal, and the Pink City. We are also booking a safari in Ranthambore national park (cross my fingers we see some tigers!).

At the same time I am really nervous to be going to a developing country. I know that there is terrible poverty. I have read about the beggars and the scams. I have heard about the stares and the "eve teasing."

Never-the-less, I am on my way. My passport and travel visa are secured, my vaccines obtained, and my flight booked. A few weeks from now I can officially cross "Go To India" from my bucket list and maybe replace that picture of the Taj Mahal with one that I take myself.

All is well that ends well

So, my strategy for dealing with this revelation about MM did not go well. And why would it. I wasn't upset about the anniversary thing. I was upset that he slept with somebody else (even if it was early days) and went to Europe with her (I have yet to do that with him and it's been 2 years).

Eventually on Sunday night we had another talk. Again, it wasn't going so well, and MM came out and asked where this was coming from. I thought my heart was going to pound it's self right out of my chest. But, in the end I came clean. I told him that I had done homework on his computer while he was out and that afterward I was looking at his pictures. He didn't get mad like I thought he would. And he was incredibly sweet about the whole thing. At one point he even offered to leave. Which wasn't at all what I wanted.

I felt immensely better after coming clean. I don't know if he did or not, but I know that I can celebrate our anniversary coming up without feeling sad or upset.

I went so far as to read some of my blog from the early days of our dating. I think I need to do this more often when I'm feeling down about us. I had something good. I enjoyed our dating for the first few months. It isn't until I start thinking our relationship should be something else that I get depressed. And usually it isn't even from a deep sense of needing or wanting something else. It's just an external "should" that I feel the need to meet.

Anyway... we're back to being good again. I'm hoping we keep it good for a while now.

Where do we go from here

I feel like a jenga game. My foundation is being taken away from me piece by piece and it's a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

I tried to talk to MM last night but he was drunk and I don't think he remembers it now.

I'm trying to put these two separate MMs that I know together in my head.

On the one hand there is the guy I've known for two years who: gave me a toothbrush to keep in his bathroom drawer the first night I slept over which was the first night we had sex; always wanted me to spend the night; has told me the story of being angry with an x girlfriend for continuing to sleep with him and moving on to someone else after they broke up; told me he missed me during a business trip after a month of dating; got jealous when another guy put his arm around me at my birthday party a year ago; has friends who told me that MM loved me before MM did.

Then there's the guy who: didn't want to be called my boyfriend for the first 6 months of dating; talked about his evil X constantly for the first 10 months; told me he was going to New York for New Years, but actually went to Europe; has pictures of this trip with a girl on his computer; has other pictures of them in his current apartment kissing (he has never taken a picture like that with me.); tells me know that when we met he was not ready for a relationship.

In our conversation that he doesn't remember he told me that this isn't a road I want to go down - which tells me that I was right and he was seeing/sleeping with someone else (maybe someone elses) after we started dating. If he didn't do anything, then why would I care? I could handle dating... took someone out to dinner? drinks? a show? Fine, he does that with friends now. But if he fucked somebody while he was seeing me too... that I don't know if I can handle.

He told me that I can pick whatever date has meaning for me and he'll celebrate it as our anniversary. How can I do that? I don't really know when we started being exclusive. I know when I THOUGHT we did, but if he's remembering that time and it includes some other girl(s) then I certainly don't want to celebrate it.

I have been so psyched about having a 2 year anniversary with him. I've never made 2 years with out a break before. But if our relationship is really 2 years old then if was with someone else in that time, he cheated on me.

How could I have been so stupid?

I've done something really stupid...

I'm afraid to call or text a girlfriend because I don't want them to act weird about it later.

I'm at MMs - he planned a night out with friends, and I'm sick so we were hanging out together until he went to that. I thought I was going to go home, but he seemed to think I was staying the night so I did. After he left I got on the computer to do homework.

I know I shouldn't have. And I tell him all the time that I don't... .but I snooped.

It started because he didn't originally invite me out tonight. He said he wanted to catch up with people he hasn't seen in awhile. But I knew from Facebook (again where I didn't get an invite) that he had invited the girl I dislike who used to live across from him. Who I completely admit to being jealous of. I know she wants him and she's cute enough with enormous boobs which to me equals jealousy. I found a picture of her in his computer trash (yeah, already with the snooping) so I went to his pictures folder wondering if there were more.

Instead I found pictures from New Years 2009 when we'd been dating about 2 1/2 months - when he told he me he blew off plans with friend in New York to go to Europe and visit different friends. The time everyone told me to break up with him because he didn't tell me he was in Europe until he got home on January 4th. I found all of the pictures not just the 3 on facebook - all the ones with him and a girl. And they're not just friends - because they were kissing in some - and then I found others of them in the apartment together also kissing.

On the couch I'm sitting on right now. At the table I've eaten at before.

And I don't know what to do. Because I was with him. I was dating him and sleeping with him.

We celebrate 2 years in 2 weeks. We booked a trip going to Asia together in month! (Yeah, that was supposed to be a happy excited blog post once the visas go through). We have plans to go to Europe in the spring.

I tell him that I don't snoop. And for 2 years I didn't. I know that this is what happens. I'm upset and if I bring it up I'm a snoop. And if I don't I just fester. Even though it's over and he loves me.
But here I am crying and he'll be home soon and I don't know what to do.