All is well that ends well

So, my strategy for dealing with this revelation about MM did not go well. And why would it. I wasn't upset about the anniversary thing. I was upset that he slept with somebody else (even if it was early days) and went to Europe with her (I have yet to do that with him and it's been 2 years).

Eventually on Sunday night we had another talk. Again, it wasn't going so well, and MM came out and asked where this was coming from. I thought my heart was going to pound it's self right out of my chest. But, in the end I came clean. I told him that I had done homework on his computer while he was out and that afterward I was looking at his pictures. He didn't get mad like I thought he would. And he was incredibly sweet about the whole thing. At one point he even offered to leave. Which wasn't at all what I wanted.

I felt immensely better after coming clean. I don't know if he did or not, but I know that I can celebrate our anniversary coming up without feeling sad or upset.

I went so far as to read some of my blog from the early days of our dating. I think I need to do this more often when I'm feeling down about us. I had something good. I enjoyed our dating for the first few months. It isn't until I start thinking our relationship should be something else that I get depressed. And usually it isn't even from a deep sense of needing or wanting something else. It's just an external "should" that I feel the need to meet.

Anyway... we're back to being good again. I'm hoping we keep it good for a while now.

Where do we go from here

I feel like a jenga game. My foundation is being taken away from me piece by piece and it's a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

I tried to talk to MM last night but he was drunk and I don't think he remembers it now.

I'm trying to put these two separate MMs that I know together in my head.

On the one hand there is the guy I've known for two years who: gave me a toothbrush to keep in his bathroom drawer the first night I slept over which was the first night we had sex; always wanted me to spend the night; has told me the story of being angry with an x girlfriend for continuing to sleep with him and moving on to someone else after they broke up; told me he missed me during a business trip after a month of dating; got jealous when another guy put his arm around me at my birthday party a year ago; has friends who told me that MM loved me before MM did.

Then there's the guy who: didn't want to be called my boyfriend for the first 6 months of dating; talked about his evil X constantly for the first 10 months; told me he was going to New York for New Years, but actually went to Europe; has pictures of this trip with a girl on his computer; has other pictures of them in his current apartment kissing (he has never taken a picture like that with me.); tells me know that when we met he was not ready for a relationship.

In our conversation that he doesn't remember he told me that this isn't a road I want to go down - which tells me that I was right and he was seeing/sleeping with someone else (maybe someone elses) after we started dating. If he didn't do anything, then why would I care? I could handle dating... took someone out to dinner? drinks? a show? Fine, he does that with friends now. But if he fucked somebody while he was seeing me too... that I don't know if I can handle.

He told me that I can pick whatever date has meaning for me and he'll celebrate it as our anniversary. How can I do that? I don't really know when we started being exclusive. I know when I THOUGHT we did, but if he's remembering that time and it includes some other girl(s) then I certainly don't want to celebrate it.

I have been so psyched about having a 2 year anniversary with him. I've never made 2 years with out a break before. But if our relationship is really 2 years old then if was with someone else in that time, he cheated on me.

How could I have been so stupid?

I've done something really stupid...

I'm afraid to call or text a girlfriend because I don't want them to act weird about it later.

I'm at MMs - he planned a night out with friends, and I'm sick so we were hanging out together until he went to that. I thought I was going to go home, but he seemed to think I was staying the night so I did. After he left I got on the computer to do homework.

I know I shouldn't have. And I tell him all the time that I don't... .but I snooped.

It started because he didn't originally invite me out tonight. He said he wanted to catch up with people he hasn't seen in awhile. But I knew from Facebook (again where I didn't get an invite) that he had invited the girl I dislike who used to live across from him. Who I completely admit to being jealous of. I know she wants him and she's cute enough with enormous boobs which to me equals jealousy. I found a picture of her in his computer trash (yeah, already with the snooping) so I went to his pictures folder wondering if there were more.

Instead I found pictures from New Years 2009 when we'd been dating about 2 1/2 months - when he told he me he blew off plans with friend in New York to go to Europe and visit different friends. The time everyone told me to break up with him because he didn't tell me he was in Europe until he got home on January 4th. I found all of the pictures not just the 3 on facebook - all the ones with him and a girl. And they're not just friends - because they were kissing in some - and then I found others of them in the apartment together also kissing.

On the couch I'm sitting on right now. At the table I've eaten at before.

And I don't know what to do. Because I was with him. I was dating him and sleeping with him.

We celebrate 2 years in 2 weeks. We booked a trip going to Asia together in month! (Yeah, that was supposed to be a happy excited blog post once the visas go through). We have plans to go to Europe in the spring.

I tell him that I don't snoop. And for 2 years I didn't. I know that this is what happens. I'm upset and if I bring it up I'm a snoop. And if I don't I just fester. Even though it's over and he loves me.
But here I am crying and he'll be home soon and I don't know what to do.