So the announcement about my transfer came today - more than 24 hours after it should have been.
The director comes to me takes me outside of our office door, takes my hand in hers and says "so, how are you doing?" As if she gives a shit. Then says she's going to email the announcement about my move and write it so that it sounds like it was my idea.
The funny thing is that - later one of my soon-to-be coworkers sees my current supervisor, and says, "wow, I didn't even know that Free Me applied for that job?" And my supervisor looked totally taken aback. Because I didn't apply for it. It was shoved down my throat.
Maybe it is my cynical nature, but I thought the other department was going to be a little peeved with me getting the job since I don't have the background. But they actually seemed really pleased. Sorry that I had to go through shit from the administration, but pleased that I'd be with them. They even said that I'd have a much better time of it there because they were very supportive. The person who's place I am taking said not to worry that it's pretty easy. A huge part of my anxiety was lifted when I found out that they were okay with me coming over to their side.
Another part of my anxiety is from wondering about my ability to do this job. I don't want to get fired in 3 months if I don't have something new.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
Should I be weirded out by this?
So, I know I have a problem. I am addicted to shopping. I wasn't always like this. I liked to shop as much as the next person, but I didn't over do it.
Now I'm shopping constantly, every other day it seems like. Some of the stuff I have "buyers remorse" about and take back, but not everything. I am amassing a huge collection of dance clothes. I bought some months ago that I still haven't worn yet. I keep trying to put a moritorium on buying dance clothes, but I can't seem to. I've actually thought about cutting up my credit cards.
I found a flouncy skirt in a catalog got it, and it wasn't the color I was expecting - much lighter of a brown, almost tan - still nice and I couldn't exchange the color. But this meant I had to go find a new top to go with it. I did that, bought it, wore it with a work skirt, then went to wear it with the dance skirt only to find out it is too long for the dance skirt. I'm not going to cut it off to go with the dance skirt when it goes so well with work clothes. In my attempt to find a new shirt that would match I got another new skirt.
This one is white and it has attached shorts. It's very cute, and it should be because I found it in the kids department. Yep, it's an extra-large (I could have gone with the large, but it's 100% cotton) kids size, but still a kids size. I even tried on their tank tops hoping they'd be shorter - nope. Just as long and again, I could have worn the large.
I just don't know if I should be more weirded out by the fact that I can fit into a kids size, or that there are kids out there who are my size. I suppose if we are talking "tweens" 9-11 year olds who grow early I could see how you'd want bigger sizes of kids clothes because they're not ready (or shouldn't be) to head to the juniors department (and yeah, I find stuff there too). Otherwise I'm just picturing really fat little kids.
The plus side is that the skirt only cost me $7 regular price. It's definitely cheaper to buy my stuff there.
Now I'm shopping constantly, every other day it seems like. Some of the stuff I have "buyers remorse" about and take back, but not everything. I am amassing a huge collection of dance clothes. I bought some months ago that I still haven't worn yet. I keep trying to put a moritorium on buying dance clothes, but I can't seem to. I've actually thought about cutting up my credit cards.
I found a flouncy skirt in a catalog got it, and it wasn't the color I was expecting - much lighter of a brown, almost tan - still nice and I couldn't exchange the color. But this meant I had to go find a new top to go with it. I did that, bought it, wore it with a work skirt, then went to wear it with the dance skirt only to find out it is too long for the dance skirt. I'm not going to cut it off to go with the dance skirt when it goes so well with work clothes. In my attempt to find a new shirt that would match I got another new skirt.
This one is white and it has attached shorts. It's very cute, and it should be because I found it in the kids department. Yep, it's an extra-large (I could have gone with the large, but it's 100% cotton) kids size, but still a kids size. I even tried on their tank tops hoping they'd be shorter - nope. Just as long and again, I could have worn the large.
I just don't know if I should be more weirded out by the fact that I can fit into a kids size, or that there are kids out there who are my size. I suppose if we are talking "tweens" 9-11 year olds who grow early I could see how you'd want bigger sizes of kids clothes because they're not ready (or shouldn't be) to head to the juniors department (and yeah, I find stuff there too). Otherwise I'm just picturing really fat little kids.
The plus side is that the skirt only cost me $7 regular price. It's definitely cheaper to buy my stuff there.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Don't be nice to me I hate you
Yeah, Thursday night BMG was nice to me. huh?
A week ago I was belle of the ball with so many pictures taken, this week not so much. Even tho YICguy was very complimentary about my outfit. Jean capri's and a tie back hankerchief top.
At the end of the night BMG is saying good bye to people around me where I'm changing my shoes and as she walks by me to go to her stuff she says, "You look really cute tonight." I said thank you and left it there.
I think show off guy might be getting the hate vibe from me toward her. They were dancing on Sunday and I looked over with a feeling of such disgust I'm sure it was there to read plainly. Later that night BMG looked at me funny like she kind of just realized I existed.
But at least I was civil to her in return. Not that I'd ever be mean to someone. Even someone I don't like. I generally believe that people don't deserve that.
A week ago I was belle of the ball with so many pictures taken, this week not so much. Even tho YICguy was very complimentary about my outfit. Jean capri's and a tie back hankerchief top.
At the end of the night BMG is saying good bye to people around me where I'm changing my shoes and as she walks by me to go to her stuff she says, "You look really cute tonight." I said thank you and left it there.
I think show off guy might be getting the hate vibe from me toward her. They were dancing on Sunday and I looked over with a feeling of such disgust I'm sure it was there to read plainly. Later that night BMG looked at me funny like she kind of just realized I existed.
But at least I was civil to her in return. Not that I'd ever be mean to someone. Even someone I don't like. I generally believe that people don't deserve that.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Trying to see the hidden positive
My eldest brother says to look for the hidden positives so that's what I'm trying to do.
I got called in to meet with my Director. It seemed out of the blue to me and I asked a couple of people in my department if I should be nervous. They said there was no way to tell with her. So, I tried not to be. But I should have been.
It was my year end performance evaluation. Now, the director is as high as you go before getting to the Board, but as far as my worker bee status is conserned, she the Boss of Bosses. So, why is she doing my evaluation? Because my immediate supervisor, my department head is a chicken shit coward who didn't want to tell me herself. Yep, my supervisor asked the director to do it, and then she didn't even sit in on the meeting to give her input, when she wrote half of the thing. The other half was done by the Associate Director who hired me and was my supervisor for two months before this one was hired. What little respect I did have for the woman, has gone down the drain. Don't give me a bad review (I somewhat deserved it, but not all of it) and say that I have an attitude problem unless you are willing to tell it to my face. To hand it to a higher up to deal out the bad news is the most cowardly thing I have ever come across in my working life.
But the good news for her is that I will only be working under her for another month. Because I am being Transfered. Yep. I need too much "direction, guidance and mentoring" for my position which has none of those things and I'm being moved to a different department where their supervisor micro-manages everything. The Director then asks me how much course work I did in my degree for this position and I look at her - this is one of the women who interviewed me - before saying, none. I'm thinking - you elitist, out of touch with your own cooperation, bitch - you can't remember back 6 months to know that you asked me that question in the interview and decided to hire me anyway because of my "fresh" ideas.
I love how I was set up for failure and then hung out to dry when I lived up to that expectation.
Because I'm being transfered I have to start over with a three month probationary period. Which means I could get fired before I find a new job.
My current position will be open soon and I will love too see who they screw over next.
I know I wasn't doing some of the things I should, I'm not cut out for it I know that, but one of the things on my evaluation that I didn't deserve was that my programs aren't a big enough draw. I have doubled enrollment in our summer programs over last year's guy.
This place is so full of toxic bullshit I really need to get out. But the hidden positive is that, while I am here, I will actually have a more focused job and a supervisor that actually supervises. Which is what I needed to begin with having come straight out of grad school, but which was not given to me in this position. Maybe in the short time I have left in this hell hole, it will feel more like purgatory.
I got called in to meet with my Director. It seemed out of the blue to me and I asked a couple of people in my department if I should be nervous. They said there was no way to tell with her. So, I tried not to be. But I should have been.
It was my year end performance evaluation. Now, the director is as high as you go before getting to the Board, but as far as my worker bee status is conserned, she the Boss of Bosses. So, why is she doing my evaluation? Because my immediate supervisor, my department head is a chicken shit coward who didn't want to tell me herself. Yep, my supervisor asked the director to do it, and then she didn't even sit in on the meeting to give her input, when she wrote half of the thing. The other half was done by the Associate Director who hired me and was my supervisor for two months before this one was hired. What little respect I did have for the woman, has gone down the drain. Don't give me a bad review (I somewhat deserved it, but not all of it) and say that I have an attitude problem unless you are willing to tell it to my face. To hand it to a higher up to deal out the bad news is the most cowardly thing I have ever come across in my working life.
But the good news for her is that I will only be working under her for another month. Because I am being Transfered. Yep. I need too much "direction, guidance and mentoring" for my position which has none of those things and I'm being moved to a different department where their supervisor micro-manages everything. The Director then asks me how much course work I did in my degree for this position and I look at her - this is one of the women who interviewed me - before saying, none. I'm thinking - you elitist, out of touch with your own cooperation, bitch - you can't remember back 6 months to know that you asked me that question in the interview and decided to hire me anyway because of my "fresh" ideas.
I love how I was set up for failure and then hung out to dry when I lived up to that expectation.
Because I'm being transfered I have to start over with a three month probationary period. Which means I could get fired before I find a new job.
My current position will be open soon and I will love too see who they screw over next.
I know I wasn't doing some of the things I should, I'm not cut out for it I know that, but one of the things on my evaluation that I didn't deserve was that my programs aren't a big enough draw. I have doubled enrollment in our summer programs over last year's guy.
This place is so full of toxic bullshit I really need to get out. But the hidden positive is that, while I am here, I will actually have a more focused job and a supervisor that actually supervises. Which is what I needed to begin with having come straight out of grad school, but which was not given to me in this position. Maybe in the short time I have left in this hell hole, it will feel more like purgatory.
And Now....
I've been asked to meet with the big boss.
I'm freaking out.
It's one thing to hate this place, and to know I'm not doing a good job of it, but that doesn't mean I want the Director asking me for a personal meeting.
I'm freaking out.
It's one thing to hate this place, and to know I'm not doing a good job of it, but that doesn't mean I want the Director asking me for a personal meeting.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Deathly Hallows
Yes - there will be spoilers here -
I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I got through the lull while they were hiding out and finished the last 1/4 in one night - stupid I know since I've got to work - but there you go.
1) I'm glad I was warned about the tissues - I think I used 4 or 5 in the last few chapters.
2) I totally called the Snape connection, both that he was good and that the reason he turned against Voldemort and helped Dumbeldore was that he was in love with Lily Evans. As soon as she was part of his worst memory ever back in Order of the Pheonix I've been saying it. The whole reason he hated Harry was because of James Potter.
3) I couldn't stand Dobby. He really annoyed the crap out of me and I was glad that he wasn't in the books so much after Chamber of Secrets. But still I cried when he died.
4) Fred was my favorite twin.
5) I did like Kreacher oddly enough - always have.
6) Loved all the back story - Snape, Dumbledore, the Grey Lady and Bloody Baron. Didn't like the epilogue. I think a family tree would have been cooler with some nod to the fact that the muggle-born wizards are on it. And we find out that Neville went back to Hogwarts to teach - but what is everyone else doing?
7) I can't believe that even w/ Dumbledore being dead J.K. still had the "Dumbledore Explains it all" chapter towards the end of this book.
8) I cried when Severus Snape died. And I like that Harry got over his hatered of him and named his kid after him - but who named their kid after Fred huh? Rose? Hugo? Ron must have let Hermione pick those out they're too normal.
9) I'm a big Harry Potter fan, even though I've got some criticism of the writing, pacing etc (see comment number 7) and I'm just so sad that it's over. The Boy Who Lived grew up.
10) And what about Luna? What happened to her 19 years later?
It is 2am, I have to go to work in 5 hours. Maybe I'll get to more comments later.
I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I got through the lull while they were hiding out and finished the last 1/4 in one night - stupid I know since I've got to work - but there you go.
1) I'm glad I was warned about the tissues - I think I used 4 or 5 in the last few chapters.
2) I totally called the Snape connection, both that he was good and that the reason he turned against Voldemort and helped Dumbeldore was that he was in love with Lily Evans. As soon as she was part of his worst memory ever back in Order of the Pheonix I've been saying it. The whole reason he hated Harry was because of James Potter.
3) I couldn't stand Dobby. He really annoyed the crap out of me and I was glad that he wasn't in the books so much after Chamber of Secrets. But still I cried when he died.
4) Fred was my favorite twin.
5) I did like Kreacher oddly enough - always have.
6) Loved all the back story - Snape, Dumbledore, the Grey Lady and Bloody Baron. Didn't like the epilogue. I think a family tree would have been cooler with some nod to the fact that the muggle-born wizards are on it. And we find out that Neville went back to Hogwarts to teach - but what is everyone else doing?
7) I can't believe that even w/ Dumbledore being dead J.K. still had the "Dumbledore Explains it all" chapter towards the end of this book.
8) I cried when Severus Snape died. And I like that Harry got over his hatered of him and named his kid after him - but who named their kid after Fred huh? Rose? Hugo? Ron must have let Hermione pick those out they're too normal.
9) I'm a big Harry Potter fan, even though I've got some criticism of the writing, pacing etc (see comment number 7) and I'm just so sad that it's over. The Boy Who Lived grew up.
10) And what about Luna? What happened to her 19 years later?
It is 2am, I have to go to work in 5 hours. Maybe I'll get to more comments later.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Way down deep, I'm not this Shallow
I was out dancing with my friend - the one who invited me out to BBQ on 4th of July (can't remember the initials I gave him anymore) and he asked me about CF, if I had "figured him out yet."
I'm thinking - what is there to figure? When he says, "Because we've figured you out."
Okay, now I'm intrigued. I've been figured out. Really? So then I ask, what he's figured out exactly. I don't think he wanted to tell me, he asked if I really wanted to know.
He started out by telling me that when I first came on the "scene" that he didn't pay much attention to me. "Why do you think that was?" he asked me. I said because I'm shy, unassuming, and I don't draw attention to myself. He said, no. Huh? or at least that's not all of it.
Apparently he thought I was about 19. It didn't help that one of the first times I ever hung out with him was at J's club and I got hugely drunk in an attempt to drown the realization that J didn't give a rat's ass about me. Also, CF at that point was interested in me, and CF usually likes younger girls. So the other guy naturally assumed that I was pretty young.
Then, he says that I don't share stuff about myself and that makes me come off as superficial.
Superficial - because I'm not telling people I dance with my deep seated dreams, fears, desires etc? That's just plain silly. I tell people where I'm from, what I do for a living, how my week was when they ask. There is only so much that people really need to know. Am I supposed to spend the time between dances talking about my stances on politics, religion, reproductive rights, animal rights, civil rights, the environment, literature, education, health care, the economy, outsourcing and anything else that is deep and weighty? Because I am a smart girl, I am a highly (perhaps too much so) educated person, I have opinions on all of those things, most of which are backed up by research and reading that I've done. I'm a published author and poet for crap's sake.
But when someone asks you as they lead you onto the dance floor or while you're getting water, "what's new?" All they are looking to hear is "oh my boss gave me a new project to work on" or "my kid got an A in math, I'm so proud" shit like that. They don't want me to pontificate on the world's world's issues.
I'm private. My life is my life, and people I see only rarely, they don't get the deeper stuff. It's not their right or privlage to know what makes me tick or to have me "figured out." If anything, this guy should be glad that I'm comfortable enough with him to be superficial. I don't generally care to let people know that I can be as petty as the next small or narrow minded person.
I'm a little pissed off with him.
I'm thinking - what is there to figure? When he says, "Because we've figured you out."
Okay, now I'm intrigued. I've been figured out. Really? So then I ask, what he's figured out exactly. I don't think he wanted to tell me, he asked if I really wanted to know.
He started out by telling me that when I first came on the "scene" that he didn't pay much attention to me. "Why do you think that was?" he asked me. I said because I'm shy, unassuming, and I don't draw attention to myself. He said, no. Huh? or at least that's not all of it.
Apparently he thought I was about 19. It didn't help that one of the first times I ever hung out with him was at J's club and I got hugely drunk in an attempt to drown the realization that J didn't give a rat's ass about me. Also, CF at that point was interested in me, and CF usually likes younger girls. So the other guy naturally assumed that I was pretty young.
Then, he says that I don't share stuff about myself and that makes me come off as superficial.
Superficial - because I'm not telling people I dance with my deep seated dreams, fears, desires etc? That's just plain silly. I tell people where I'm from, what I do for a living, how my week was when they ask. There is only so much that people really need to know. Am I supposed to spend the time between dances talking about my stances on politics, religion, reproductive rights, animal rights, civil rights, the environment, literature, education, health care, the economy, outsourcing and anything else that is deep and weighty? Because I am a smart girl, I am a highly (perhaps too much so) educated person, I have opinions on all of those things, most of which are backed up by research and reading that I've done. I'm a published author and poet for crap's sake.
But when someone asks you as they lead you onto the dance floor or while you're getting water, "what's new?" All they are looking to hear is "oh my boss gave me a new project to work on" or "my kid got an A in math, I'm so proud" shit like that. They don't want me to pontificate on the world's world's issues.
I'm private. My life is my life, and people I see only rarely, they don't get the deeper stuff. It's not their right or privlage to know what makes me tick or to have me "figured out." If anything, this guy should be glad that I'm comfortable enough with him to be superficial. I don't generally care to let people know that I can be as petty as the next small or narrow minded person.
I'm a little pissed off with him.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Make that 9 to 5
There is a picture of my legs I didn't notice before. It's two couples dancing but only their legs. Very funny.
And there is a group shot I missed and another of me dancing that I also missed - so probably we're looking at 10! Twice as many.
I'm gonna have to wear a skirt and flirt with YIC guy more often!
And there is a group shot I missed and another of me dancing that I also missed - so probably we're looking at 10! Twice as many.
I'm gonna have to wear a skirt and flirt with YIC guy more often!
Ha Ha! I win 7 to 5 take that.
Okay, so maybe I'm being childish, but I love it.
I checked online today and from dancing last night I have 7, count them 7 pictures up. 3 of them are with guys, 2 of them dancing, 1 standing around, 1 with a girl, and only 2 do I look kinda stupid (making a face).
Compared to 5 of BMG - mostly her dancing - so her back alot, and a couple of her with girls - HA!
To be honest though, I was a major flirt last night. Young Inner Circle guy was taking photos so I just went up to him, took the camera, put my arm around him and snapped a photo of us. That pretty much started the night off and it's how I got so many taken. I also danced with him 3 times. Sure, he's got a girlfriend, but still, get friendly with the inner circle and I'm on my way. Whoo hoo. I was in such a good mood (I didn't even drink!) that I looked at BMG in her micro mini and super tight tank and though, cute. At least this time it didn't look like she was coming from the gym, and there was no ass cheek showing.
I can't walk into a club in yoga shorts and feel good about myself, or a low rise terry cloth mini skirt with my underwear showing at the top. Here's what I don't get - when I wear a skirt that I know flares up I put shorts on underneath, not briefs. If I was wearing booty-shorts/hot-pants I'd wear a thong underneath so as to avoid the VPL. Not BMG though, she has the bikini brief VPL every time I see her. If I had a nice body like she does, why in the world would you not own a few thongs. And there are actually some very comfortable ones out there now-a-days.
But I'm really determined to let it go - what she wears etc. I looked pretty nice last night. I try to look nice when I go out. With any luck, this Proactive will start working soon. My chin and cheeks look like they've exploded.
I checked online today and from dancing last night I have 7, count them 7 pictures up. 3 of them are with guys, 2 of them dancing, 1 standing around, 1 with a girl, and only 2 do I look kinda stupid (making a face).
Compared to 5 of BMG - mostly her dancing - so her back alot, and a couple of her with girls - HA!
To be honest though, I was a major flirt last night. Young Inner Circle guy was taking photos so I just went up to him, took the camera, put my arm around him and snapped a photo of us. That pretty much started the night off and it's how I got so many taken. I also danced with him 3 times. Sure, he's got a girlfriend, but still, get friendly with the inner circle and I'm on my way. Whoo hoo. I was in such a good mood (I didn't even drink!) that I looked at BMG in her micro mini and super tight tank and though, cute. At least this time it didn't look like she was coming from the gym, and there was no ass cheek showing.
I can't walk into a club in yoga shorts and feel good about myself, or a low rise terry cloth mini skirt with my underwear showing at the top. Here's what I don't get - when I wear a skirt that I know flares up I put shorts on underneath, not briefs. If I was wearing booty-shorts/hot-pants I'd wear a thong underneath so as to avoid the VPL. Not BMG though, she has the bikini brief VPL every time I see her. If I had a nice body like she does, why in the world would you not own a few thongs. And there are actually some very comfortable ones out there now-a-days.
But I'm really determined to let it go - what she wears etc. I looked pretty nice last night. I try to look nice when I go out. With any luck, this Proactive will start working soon. My chin and cheeks look like they've exploded.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
It doesn't get better
I ordered a phone upgrade 2 weeks ago. Still haven't gotten the phone tho. I also couldn't get the tracking thing to work to see if it had even shipped yet. Finally it worked (needed some dashes in the number) and it says that the thing was delivered last Monday. A week ago! I never got a package slip on mailbox so I'm thinking it's been delivered to the wrong place, but the address isn't listed on the tracking page.
So I call up my apartment manager and ask. Oh yeah, he's got it. It's sitting right there. huh? wtf? really. I get stuff delivered all time. I'm a dance catalog junkie and I've recently started using Proactive for my acne (still waiting for it to work). So I know the protocol. I'm supposed to get a slip and that's how I know if I've got a delivery.
So this whole time I could have been using my beautiful new magenta RZR, but no somebody had to be a dumbass. What is it with managers?
So I call up my apartment manager and ask. Oh yeah, he's got it. It's sitting right there. huh? wtf? really. I get stuff delivered all time. I'm a dance catalog junkie and I've recently started using Proactive for my acne (still waiting for it to work). So I know the protocol. I'm supposed to get a slip and that's how I know if I've got a delivery.
So this whole time I could have been using my beautiful new magenta RZR, but no somebody had to be a dumbass. What is it with managers?
Work Day Rant
Lord save me from inconsiderate managers.
My supervisor has an "appointment" and needs me to cover part of her desk duty for her. Her response to me saying that that is during my lunch hour: "well, don't you want to eat earlier?" Um, let's see. It's 9:30am, I'm just getting my breakfast while I sit in cube. No, I don't want to eat lunch in an hour and a half. Her response then basically, is too bad. She'll replace me later in the day - say 4ish. Great, so eat early or don't eat.
I'm sure her "appointment" is another pedicure. A few weeks ago - on a friday when we are always short handed, because 4 to 6 people in our department always have the day off on Friday (it's a rotational thing, gives us a 3 day weekend in exchange for working a weekend). She leaves the desk and the building for an "appointment" which she revealed to someone was a pedicure in the neighboring town 20minutes away. She left on her lunch hour with the thought that she'd be back to cover our lunches. Except, that she was late to the salon, so they took someone else ahead of her. Instead of saying to her self, "oh well, that's what I get for being late, I best get going so I my employees can eat their lunch" she waited.
So my co-worker and I are waiting and waiting thinking she's going to be back so that one of us can go to lunch. But we wait in vain. Finally I tell my co-worker to go that I'll stay by myself (which we are not supposed to do). She took a short lunch and then I did the same.
Finally 3 hours after she left our supervisor calls to tell us she's late )Oh really? I hadn't noticed) and to go ahead with our lunches anyway. Three hours later! She finally showed up about half an hour after that.
God only knows how she made up that time. I wonder how the people reading time sheets don't notice this shit. She's constantly coming in late, asking to switch her desk time, forgetting things at home and leaving for half a day to go get them, taking personal calls at work, leaving interns alone at the desk to take personal calls (it's one thing to leave a professional alone even tho it's a faux pax, but an intern - way to show you care about mentoring).
We had booksellers in the building the other day. They were using our desk area selling to the public and we relocated for a bit. They brought a bunch of stuff (candy calendars etc) and had things set out on the desk near their "registers." The idea being that they'd buy a book get up to pay for it and buy something else. Well, it was sitting out so some people were looking at it even tho they weren't in line to buy a book. My supervisor had a fit. She came over and started demanding that we keep the area clear. And I'm thinking - the stuff is there for browsing. If you want the area clear tell the booksellers to get their shit off the table because that is what is enticing people to mill about in this area. What am I supposed to tell people, "I'm sorry, I know we brought in booksellers for you today, but please don't browse their items." and am I supposed to tell the booksellers "I'm sorry, but it's my sworn duty to keep people from looking at these items so you can make less money and therefor not come back since it isn't worth your while."
In short. I can't stand my supervisor. I don't know how she got this job. She's scatterbrained, with no attention to detail, and runs roughshod over her employees.
Today's task - finish my cover letters, squeeze my resume onto two pages (it's got one line hanging off) and apply to two jobs before 5pm.
I just found out too, that one of my co-workers who I like very much, got a job elsewhere and starts early September. Another co-worker that I also like very much is looking elsewhere too. So, I have very little impetus to stay.
My supervisor has an "appointment" and needs me to cover part of her desk duty for her. Her response to me saying that that is during my lunch hour: "well, don't you want to eat earlier?" Um, let's see. It's 9:30am, I'm just getting my breakfast while I sit in cube. No, I don't want to eat lunch in an hour and a half. Her response then basically, is too bad. She'll replace me later in the day - say 4ish. Great, so eat early or don't eat.
I'm sure her "appointment" is another pedicure. A few weeks ago - on a friday when we are always short handed, because 4 to 6 people in our department always have the day off on Friday (it's a rotational thing, gives us a 3 day weekend in exchange for working a weekend). She leaves the desk and the building for an "appointment" which she revealed to someone was a pedicure in the neighboring town 20minutes away. She left on her lunch hour with the thought that she'd be back to cover our lunches. Except, that she was late to the salon, so they took someone else ahead of her. Instead of saying to her self, "oh well, that's what I get for being late, I best get going so I my employees can eat their lunch" she waited.
So my co-worker and I are waiting and waiting thinking she's going to be back so that one of us can go to lunch. But we wait in vain. Finally I tell my co-worker to go that I'll stay by myself (which we are not supposed to do). She took a short lunch and then I did the same.
Finally 3 hours after she left our supervisor calls to tell us she's late )Oh really? I hadn't noticed) and to go ahead with our lunches anyway. Three hours later! She finally showed up about half an hour after that.
God only knows how she made up that time. I wonder how the people reading time sheets don't notice this shit. She's constantly coming in late, asking to switch her desk time, forgetting things at home and leaving for half a day to go get them, taking personal calls at work, leaving interns alone at the desk to take personal calls (it's one thing to leave a professional alone even tho it's a faux pax, but an intern - way to show you care about mentoring).
We had booksellers in the building the other day. They were using our desk area selling to the public and we relocated for a bit. They brought a bunch of stuff (candy calendars etc) and had things set out on the desk near their "registers." The idea being that they'd buy a book get up to pay for it and buy something else. Well, it was sitting out so some people were looking at it even tho they weren't in line to buy a book. My supervisor had a fit. She came over and started demanding that we keep the area clear. And I'm thinking - the stuff is there for browsing. If you want the area clear tell the booksellers to get their shit off the table because that is what is enticing people to mill about in this area. What am I supposed to tell people, "I'm sorry, I know we brought in booksellers for you today, but please don't browse their items." and am I supposed to tell the booksellers "I'm sorry, but it's my sworn duty to keep people from looking at these items so you can make less money and therefor not come back since it isn't worth your while."
In short. I can't stand my supervisor. I don't know how she got this job. She's scatterbrained, with no attention to detail, and runs roughshod over her employees.
Today's task - finish my cover letters, squeeze my resume onto two pages (it's got one line hanging off) and apply to two jobs before 5pm.
I just found out too, that one of my co-workers who I like very much, got a job elsewhere and starts early September. Another co-worker that I also like very much is looking elsewhere too. So, I have very little impetus to stay.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday Date Night
I had my date with K on Friday. We emailed through the week to set it up. I said I had to work the next morning so it couldn't be late. He emailed me that he had an idea but it would go too late and that he'd save it for another time. He wouldn't tell me what it was though. That creeps me out just a little bit. So he suggested a movie instead.
I didn't think that for someone who wants to get to know me so badly a movie was the greatest suggestion. Unless he was looking to feel me up in the dark or something. So I said dinner instead.
K wanted to meet downtown, I said lets meet in the middle and suggested a place and time. I just didn't want him picking me up at my place, or wanting to come in to my apartment.
I've pretty much decided that I'm not attracted to him. I was attracted to him being attracted to me. Particularly after the whole teasing texts from J.
K got to the restaurant early, I showed up and he was finishing his appetizer and drink. I thought that was rather rude. I understand that he had been working all day, but not to wait for me to order? He should have suggested 6 or 6:30 as a time to meet.
We talked. He kept hinting at his "story" and a "bad time" in his life a few years ago and his current boss being a savior. But he didn't or wouldn't elaborate. I wanted to sceam - "I know you've been in jail! just tell me yourself already." What if somebody having been in prison, or having committed some kind of crime is a deal breaker for me where my relationships are concerned? I've never been in the situation before, so I don't know if it is or not. I don't appreciate that important information being kept from me - when will he decide to tell me? Third date? When we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Never?
Frankly I don't plan on letting it get that far.
I realize that full disclosure on a first date is asking for alot. K keeps talking to me about how he sees some kind of change in me since the spring. He's mentioned it a ton, just going on and on about how great I look lately and how something is different. Frankly, I think it's only half me and the other half is him being broken up with his girlfriend looking for someone else's pants to get into.
I wish I could be less cynical, but even before being given the insider info about him, I wasn't feeling great about this.
I had always figured that we'd split the dinner check, or if he paid for it I'd offer to get us dessert (and then actually get us dessert). I didn't even get a chance to offer. He grabbed the bill and said, I'll get this and you can pay for dessert. Now, just because I'm looking back on it, I wish I had responded that I don't eat dessert, and that I'd prefer to pay for my meal. At least it would have ended the evening sooner.
We went for icecream - I wanted to stop at a family place we passed, but made the mistake of mentioning a particular chain that is good. So we drove more and we went to the chain. We got our icecream and walked around. I was itching to leave. Not only did I have to work in the morning, but I had errands to run for work before I could even punch in, and I had to pick up a video (for work) from the X.
K had other ideas. He wanted to sit and talk, then he wanted to 'hold' me. It makes me seriously uncomfortable his touchy-feely-ness. It's uber awkward sitting on a bench with some guy wrapped around you. I wasn't even doing anything back. He rubbed my back and was talking. I sort of just was limp. He didn't really get the message.
I wasn't particularly comfortable with his driving. He went through some major yellows I though the should have stopped for and he put his hand out the window to give some guy the finger. Both real turn offs. I remember my first "date" with The Jackass years ago and thinking he must be a good guy because he heard ambulence sirens and pulled over before I even registered them. When K dropped me off he tried to kiss me. I gave him a hug before I got out and as I pulled away he went in for the kiss. Literally, I went "oh!" and gave him my cheek. Then said thanks and got out.
I feel bad on the one hand because I totally made out with him two weeks ago. But I didn't really like it, and the whole back rubs "holding" me thing - I'm just not into it.
I expected him to be a little upset. I judged this by the lack of a middle-of-the-night text message which he usually sends me after seeing me.
I didn't think that for someone who wants to get to know me so badly a movie was the greatest suggestion. Unless he was looking to feel me up in the dark or something. So I said dinner instead.
K wanted to meet downtown, I said lets meet in the middle and suggested a place and time. I just didn't want him picking me up at my place, or wanting to come in to my apartment.
I've pretty much decided that I'm not attracted to him. I was attracted to him being attracted to me. Particularly after the whole teasing texts from J.
K got to the restaurant early, I showed up and he was finishing his appetizer and drink. I thought that was rather rude. I understand that he had been working all day, but not to wait for me to order? He should have suggested 6 or 6:30 as a time to meet.
We talked. He kept hinting at his "story" and a "bad time" in his life a few years ago and his current boss being a savior. But he didn't or wouldn't elaborate. I wanted to sceam - "I know you've been in jail! just tell me yourself already." What if somebody having been in prison, or having committed some kind of crime is a deal breaker for me where my relationships are concerned? I've never been in the situation before, so I don't know if it is or not. I don't appreciate that important information being kept from me - when will he decide to tell me? Third date? When we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Never?
Frankly I don't plan on letting it get that far.
I realize that full disclosure on a first date is asking for alot. K keeps talking to me about how he sees some kind of change in me since the spring. He's mentioned it a ton, just going on and on about how great I look lately and how something is different. Frankly, I think it's only half me and the other half is him being broken up with his girlfriend looking for someone else's pants to get into.
I wish I could be less cynical, but even before being given the insider info about him, I wasn't feeling great about this.
I had always figured that we'd split the dinner check, or if he paid for it I'd offer to get us dessert (and then actually get us dessert). I didn't even get a chance to offer. He grabbed the bill and said, I'll get this and you can pay for dessert. Now, just because I'm looking back on it, I wish I had responded that I don't eat dessert, and that I'd prefer to pay for my meal. At least it would have ended the evening sooner.
We went for icecream - I wanted to stop at a family place we passed, but made the mistake of mentioning a particular chain that is good. So we drove more and we went to the chain. We got our icecream and walked around. I was itching to leave. Not only did I have to work in the morning, but I had errands to run for work before I could even punch in, and I had to pick up a video (for work) from the X.
K had other ideas. He wanted to sit and talk, then he wanted to 'hold' me. It makes me seriously uncomfortable his touchy-feely-ness. It's uber awkward sitting on a bench with some guy wrapped around you. I wasn't even doing anything back. He rubbed my back and was talking. I sort of just was limp. He didn't really get the message.
I wasn't particularly comfortable with his driving. He went through some major yellows I though the should have stopped for and he put his hand out the window to give some guy the finger. Both real turn offs. I remember my first "date" with The Jackass years ago and thinking he must be a good guy because he heard ambulence sirens and pulled over before I even registered them. When K dropped me off he tried to kiss me. I gave him a hug before I got out and as I pulled away he went in for the kiss. Literally, I went "oh!" and gave him my cheek. Then said thanks and got out.
I feel bad on the one hand because I totally made out with him two weeks ago. But I didn't really like it, and the whole back rubs "holding" me thing - I'm just not into it.
I expected him to be a little upset. I judged this by the lack of a middle-of-the-night text message which he usually sends me after seeing me.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Please rephrase that in the form of a question
Cruel Virgin gave me 5 interview questions (okay, I asked for them). I don't really think anyone else reads my blog - but on the off chance - anyone else can be interviewed by me, if they ask me in my comment section.
I must say that I was pleasantly suprised by the questions asked. I didn't really know what to expect, but these questions definetly made me think.
1. What to you is an ideal job, assuming that yes, you do have to work in order to survive? Elaborate at will.
The ideal job to me is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I understand that people don't pay their bills by earning a paycheck for going to "fun" every day. It's work, it's a job. But you shouldn't dread it. You shouldn't want to avoid doing it or going there. We spend 1/3 of our day there, and good portion of our lives and we should get some satisfaction from doing it.
I wish I knew what my specific ideal job is. I mostly know what I don't like and yet it's everywhere I go.
I don't like micromanagers, I don't like being left to flounder with out training either. I like helping people, but I don't like the cranky public, I only like the appreciative ones. I don't mind young people (I work with them now) but only in small quantities, and not when they're giving me attitude or trying to be "cool" for their peers. I like learning new things, but I don't like being given things out side of my job duties or description.
In short - I'm way too picky.
2. What is the problem with all the men in the world, or am I just being stereotypically female?
It's the game. And unfortunately I think it's what's wrong with all of us male and female alike. It's the utter hypocrasy of the 'getting-you-into-bed' game. Maybe I'm being sterotypical too, but I've seen it over and over again, even with supposedly "nice" guys, "good" guys, guys who are boyfriend material, guys that are looking for a relationship. This game isn't restricted to players, I think it's just hardwired into their brains.
They do and say whatever it takes to get a woman's pants off, but once they get what they want they lose respect for the girl. Even guys who claim to not do this it's still there. Boyfriend or husband is still keeping score of how soon she got into bed with them, how dirty she talked, what she suggested, etc. and it will come up later. It might be subtle, but it's there with each and every male I have ever encountered - ever.
3. You live in what you refer to as an unpleasant area of the Midwest. What makes it so bad in your eyes? You don't need to name the state or city.
The city I live in currently has been dying for 40 years and unfortunately our politicians don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Our mayor in particular seems more interested in living the high life and spending money to do a decent job and get anything done. Why in the world the majority re-elected him I don't know.
My issue with the Midwest is that it was built on the manufacturing industry and that too is dying out in America. I feel for all of the workers and their families when yet another plant closes, here and in our surrounding states, but at the same time, hanging on to the manufacturing industry and hanging our livelihood on it is not going to help revive our state or the rest of the midwest. I disagree with the idea that if I drive a foreign car I am somehow contributing to the downward spiral of my community. The people here need to look forward. The politicians need to find new ways of revitalizing the state and this city instead of holding on to the past.
I also don't think the midwest is very interesting. We have no mountains, no rivers, no big city night life, no coast, no ocean. It's plain, and it's boring as hell.
Then there is the weather. Winter lasts 6 months - it starts in November and leaves in May. Spring lasts all of 2 seconds in between the last sleet-ice-snow storm of winter and the blistering hot 90+ degree days of summer (but I like those best), fall lasts for all of October, and while beautiful in some parts of the state only proclaims that negative tempatures with worse wind chills and mornings scraping ice and snow off my car are soon to arrive.
4. What two books should everyone read in order to become better human beings and why?
Hmm... that is a hard question because everyone reacts to books differently. Look at "The Secret" which Oprah had on her show - everyone and their mother wants to read that book, because supposedly it will change your life. Frankly, I want nothing to do with it and I refuse to even pick it up. But then I'm a book snob.
Also, I think becoming a better human being depends on action it requires the person to not only learn something from the book and then act on it.
The first book that came to mind tho was The Tao of Pooh. I think if everyone in this world could learn to be less materialistic the planet would be better off. If there is one truth that I beleive in it is the idea that suffering comes from want. I don't know if it's actually possible to eliminate want, and I know that I do a very bad job of even trying, but I think it's a great lesson to learn.
The only other one that comes to mind is Animal Farm. I think that hypocrisy is another important lesson in life (gosh I must be in a cynical mood today). In that people will always say one thing and do another. But I don't see how that is going to make anyone a better person - unless it's to strive to eliminate it from our behaviour.
5. Why do you blog?
Blogging started as an extention of my journaling. I've been journaling for about 10 years now. I have all of my old ones - I decorated each one differnetly depending on my age and mood at the time. I started writing in a journal when I realized I didn't want to turn 80 and wonder how I had spent my life.
It is for me also a way to talk about those things I do, feel, and think that I may not be so proud to admit to those around me. I don't trust people to not be judgemental - I get so much of it already and they see only the superficial me. I shudder to think what would happen if they saw the real.
I first started blogging after the X broke up with me. I was pretty fed up with myself and how I had allowed my existance and identity to wrap itself around him so completely. I was disgusted with myself and I took it out on myself physically. I started an extreme diet and began exercizing alot. I knew that I was on the verge of, if not already, developing an eating disorder and I needed a place to talk about it. Even then though, if you read my archives, I kind of skirted the topic and I talked about the way I thought I was supposed to. I gave up on blogging for a bit and then I started the fling with J. Again, it was behavior that was the antithesis of "me" and I knew the people around me wouldn't approve. So rather than confide in friends that I knew would be judgemental and encourage me to stop I kept quite and talked about it here.
I also think on some level I was also looking for feedback from my posts since I couldn't talk to those around me because I didn't/don't think they are supportive.
I guess, it's a way for me to safely show another side of my personality with out fear of reprisal. Whether my fears are founded or not, I've never really wished to find out.
Per the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
I must say that I was pleasantly suprised by the questions asked. I didn't really know what to expect, but these questions definetly made me think.
1. What to you is an ideal job, assuming that yes, you do have to work in order to survive? Elaborate at will.
The ideal job to me is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I understand that people don't pay their bills by earning a paycheck for going to "fun" every day. It's work, it's a job. But you shouldn't dread it. You shouldn't want to avoid doing it or going there. We spend 1/3 of our day there, and good portion of our lives and we should get some satisfaction from doing it.
I wish I knew what my specific ideal job is. I mostly know what I don't like and yet it's everywhere I go.
I don't like micromanagers, I don't like being left to flounder with out training either. I like helping people, but I don't like the cranky public, I only like the appreciative ones. I don't mind young people (I work with them now) but only in small quantities, and not when they're giving me attitude or trying to be "cool" for their peers. I like learning new things, but I don't like being given things out side of my job duties or description.
In short - I'm way too picky.
2. What is the problem with all the men in the world, or am I just being stereotypically female?
It's the game. And unfortunately I think it's what's wrong with all of us male and female alike. It's the utter hypocrasy of the 'getting-you-into-bed' game. Maybe I'm being sterotypical too, but I've seen it over and over again, even with supposedly "nice" guys, "good" guys, guys who are boyfriend material, guys that are looking for a relationship. This game isn't restricted to players, I think it's just hardwired into their brains.
They do and say whatever it takes to get a woman's pants off, but once they get what they want they lose respect for the girl. Even guys who claim to not do this it's still there. Boyfriend or husband is still keeping score of how soon she got into bed with them, how dirty she talked, what she suggested, etc. and it will come up later. It might be subtle, but it's there with each and every male I have ever encountered - ever.
3. You live in what you refer to as an unpleasant area of the Midwest. What makes it so bad in your eyes? You don't need to name the state or city.
The city I live in currently has been dying for 40 years and unfortunately our politicians don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Our mayor in particular seems more interested in living the high life and spending money to do a decent job and get anything done. Why in the world the majority re-elected him I don't know.
My issue with the Midwest is that it was built on the manufacturing industry and that too is dying out in America. I feel for all of the workers and their families when yet another plant closes, here and in our surrounding states, but at the same time, hanging on to the manufacturing industry and hanging our livelihood on it is not going to help revive our state or the rest of the midwest. I disagree with the idea that if I drive a foreign car I am somehow contributing to the downward spiral of my community. The people here need to look forward. The politicians need to find new ways of revitalizing the state and this city instead of holding on to the past.
I also don't think the midwest is very interesting. We have no mountains, no rivers, no big city night life, no coast, no ocean. It's plain, and it's boring as hell.
Then there is the weather. Winter lasts 6 months - it starts in November and leaves in May. Spring lasts all of 2 seconds in between the last sleet-ice-snow storm of winter and the blistering hot 90+ degree days of summer (but I like those best), fall lasts for all of October, and while beautiful in some parts of the state only proclaims that negative tempatures with worse wind chills and mornings scraping ice and snow off my car are soon to arrive.
4. What two books should everyone read in order to become better human beings and why?
Hmm... that is a hard question because everyone reacts to books differently. Look at "The Secret" which Oprah had on her show - everyone and their mother wants to read that book, because supposedly it will change your life. Frankly, I want nothing to do with it and I refuse to even pick it up. But then I'm a book snob.
Also, I think becoming a better human being depends on action it requires the person to not only learn something from the book and then act on it.
The first book that came to mind tho was The Tao of Pooh. I think if everyone in this world could learn to be less materialistic the planet would be better off. If there is one truth that I beleive in it is the idea that suffering comes from want. I don't know if it's actually possible to eliminate want, and I know that I do a very bad job of even trying, but I think it's a great lesson to learn.
The only other one that comes to mind is Animal Farm. I think that hypocrisy is another important lesson in life (gosh I must be in a cynical mood today). In that people will always say one thing and do another. But I don't see how that is going to make anyone a better person - unless it's to strive to eliminate it from our behaviour.
5. Why do you blog?
Blogging started as an extention of my journaling. I've been journaling for about 10 years now. I have all of my old ones - I decorated each one differnetly depending on my age and mood at the time. I started writing in a journal when I realized I didn't want to turn 80 and wonder how I had spent my life.
It is for me also a way to talk about those things I do, feel, and think that I may not be so proud to admit to those around me. I don't trust people to not be judgemental - I get so much of it already and they see only the superficial me. I shudder to think what would happen if they saw the real.
I first started blogging after the X broke up with me. I was pretty fed up with myself and how I had allowed my existance and identity to wrap itself around him so completely. I was disgusted with myself and I took it out on myself physically. I started an extreme diet and began exercizing alot. I knew that I was on the verge of, if not already, developing an eating disorder and I needed a place to talk about it. Even then though, if you read my archives, I kind of skirted the topic and I talked about the way I thought I was supposed to. I gave up on blogging for a bit and then I started the fling with J. Again, it was behavior that was the antithesis of "me" and I knew the people around me wouldn't approve. So rather than confide in friends that I knew would be judgemental and encourage me to stop I kept quite and talked about it here.
I also think on some level I was also looking for feedback from my posts since I couldn't talk to those around me because I didn't/don't think they are supportive.
I guess, it's a way for me to safely show another side of my personality with out fear of reprisal. Whether my fears are founded or not, I've never really wished to find out.
Per the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Lost: Work Ethic. Reward if Found
I can not seem to motivate myself. I have done Zero work all week. Heck, on Tuesday I called in sick, then I exercized, went grocery shopping, baked cupcakes and a cake, and went to a going away party for the X. I was obviously not sick.
I just hate this place so much. I can't stand being here. The only thing that makes it bareable are a few of my coworkers.
I used to be a great employee. Managers loved me they always offered me manager positions, or manager training. It isn't that I would really go above and beyond I just did my work, I did it well, and I took pride in that. Even when I worked at a movie theater. Little things like offering gift certificates to people who wanted to pay with a credit card at the consession stand (which you couldn't do, but you can buy GCs at the box office with one), or even cleaning the popcorn machine - totally gross, but I didn't want to eat popcorn from a dirty machine.
Now that I'm a professional I've lost it. I don't care. I actually am looking forward to a meeting one day where they say, "you don't seem to be happy here" and I get to respond with "you're right, I'm not, I think I'll leave."
I wrote up a cover letter for a new position at my old job. I just need to fix up my resume.
I just hate this place so much. I can't stand being here. The only thing that makes it bareable are a few of my coworkers.
I used to be a great employee. Managers loved me they always offered me manager positions, or manager training. It isn't that I would really go above and beyond I just did my work, I did it well, and I took pride in that. Even when I worked at a movie theater. Little things like offering gift certificates to people who wanted to pay with a credit card at the consession stand (which you couldn't do, but you can buy GCs at the box office with one), or even cleaning the popcorn machine - totally gross, but I didn't want to eat popcorn from a dirty machine.
Now that I'm a professional I've lost it. I don't care. I actually am looking forward to a meeting one day where they say, "you don't seem to be happy here" and I get to respond with "you're right, I'm not, I think I'll leave."
I wrote up a cover letter for a new position at my old job. I just need to fix up my resume.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Mother Load of Red Flags
So, on Friday I got a call from CFF, one of my dancing buddies. He wanted to know if I would join him in a dance lesson, which he needed a partner for. That ended up not working out, but we chatted for awhile - basically 1/2 an hour, my whole drive home.
He finshed up with "one other thing. I noticed..." He had noticed K being uber friendly to me on Thursday and wanted to know if I was okay with it. He came out and said that I am too nice and that if I didn't like attention, but was too nice to say anything to K, then to let him and CF know. I thought that was super sweet of him. He also said that he was concerned because he'd heard some things about K having offended a number of women. CFF didn't have the details, but told me to talk to CF if I wanted to know.
Of course I wanted to know! I have agreed to go out with K. I've made out with him. He's practically groping me on the dance floor and makes no bones about wanting to get it on with me. So yeah, a) I can see him offending others with his over the top behavior and b) if he's doing something (or has done) something inapropriate with other girls, then I want to be forewarned.
So after class on Monday I went up to CF asked if he had a minute and said, "I'm told that you know K pretty well. He's been calling me and asking me out and I've been told that I should talk to you about him." CF's response, "I'll tell you since you asked, do you have time to go get something to eat?" We went to a diner and were there for 2 1/2 hours.
I was not expecting to learn what I learned.
First of all, I was right when I thought K was dating another dancer. I am a little put off by the fact that he down played a couple of weeks ago. I said "I thought you had a girlfriend." and his response was "oh, well, I was talking to somebody for about a minute, and that was a mistake."
Um, from what I learned it was K that made the mistake. Back in late March, early April, he left his email logged inot on the girlfriend's computer. So when she gets on the next day it's K's account that is open. Apparently she found evidence not only of him cheating on her, but of him also sharing his exploits, complete with pictures to convicts in prison - people he knows personally, from his previous jail time.
{Insert picture of shocked me here}
It's funny, because in the few conversations I've had with K and he mentioned "law" I thought he studied the law either preparing for, or in Law School, not "The Law" as in "I fought the law and the law won."
CF even forwarded me the emails that K's X sent out to all the dancers she knows (I was not one of them). I haven't read them yet. I won't until Saturday (or more likely Friday night) because I had already made plans to go out with K on Friday. I was already feeling like his behavior wasn't all kosher, but I don't want to totally prejudice myself against him.
He finshed up with "one other thing. I noticed..." He had noticed K being uber friendly to me on Thursday and wanted to know if I was okay with it. He came out and said that I am too nice and that if I didn't like attention, but was too nice to say anything to K, then to let him and CF know. I thought that was super sweet of him. He also said that he was concerned because he'd heard some things about K having offended a number of women. CFF didn't have the details, but told me to talk to CF if I wanted to know.
Of course I wanted to know! I have agreed to go out with K. I've made out with him. He's practically groping me on the dance floor and makes no bones about wanting to get it on with me. So yeah, a) I can see him offending others with his over the top behavior and b) if he's doing something (or has done) something inapropriate with other girls, then I want to be forewarned.
So after class on Monday I went up to CF asked if he had a minute and said, "I'm told that you know K pretty well. He's been calling me and asking me out and I've been told that I should talk to you about him." CF's response, "I'll tell you since you asked, do you have time to go get something to eat?" We went to a diner and were there for 2 1/2 hours.
I was not expecting to learn what I learned.
First of all, I was right when I thought K was dating another dancer. I am a little put off by the fact that he down played a couple of weeks ago. I said "I thought you had a girlfriend." and his response was "oh, well, I was talking to somebody for about a minute, and that was a mistake."
Um, from what I learned it was K that made the mistake. Back in late March, early April, he left his email logged inot on the girlfriend's computer. So when she gets on the next day it's K's account that is open. Apparently she found evidence not only of him cheating on her, but of him also sharing his exploits, complete with pictures to convicts in prison - people he knows personally, from his previous jail time.
{Insert picture of shocked me here}
It's funny, because in the few conversations I've had with K and he mentioned "law" I thought he studied the law either preparing for, or in Law School, not "The Law" as in "I fought the law and the law won."
CF even forwarded me the emails that K's X sent out to all the dancers she knows (I was not one of them). I haven't read them yet. I won't until Saturday (or more likely Friday night) because I had already made plans to go out with K on Friday. I was already feeling like his behavior wasn't all kosher, but I don't want to totally prejudice myself against him.
Friday, July 06, 2007
I may be gross, but I still look like Jessica Alba
I'm siked that I got Jessica Alba as a celeb look-a-like. Someone mentioned that to me a few years ago and I've been obsessed with her ever since - I even sit through horrid movies like Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
I'm also a huge fan of Allison Hannigan. I spent the better part of my Senior year in High School and college years trying to look like her. I'd take her picture to stylists when getting my hair cut. I spent alot on red hair dye too.
I'm not so pleased with the Alice Cooper though - I think sometimes if the angle of your picture matches they say you're a look-a-like.
I was planning on spending the sunny weekend outside - turns out UV rays are a big cause of cold sore outbreaks. Great! It's entirely possible that my 4th of July outing helped contribute to my sorry state of near leprosy.
Gross, Grosser, Grossest
The hot pants made a reappearance last night. This time I knew I recognized them from somewhere. They are the pink and orange version of these from Victoria Secret. This time paired with the old midrift baring top. BMG was the only one in the whole place dressed that way and I wasn't the only one to notice the fashion faux pax. K decided to show up - he said he really wanted to see me and didn't want to wait. We danced like maybe 3 times. He must have talked a couple of other people from the dance studio we go to to come with him because it was also their first time there. At one point when BMG was up dancing, K turns to his friend and says "you should get some of those" she looked at him like he was crazy and said "um...no." I had to laugh.
The week before Young Inner Circle guy said that he hadn't gotten a chance to dance with me because I was never available, there were too many guys in line and he swore he got an elbow to the face when he tried. This was attributed to my outfit - which was a short black skort and a red tank top. Of course he danced with BMG a few times and that was the 1st appearance of the hotshorts. Seeing the one picture of me from that week - I still managed to look more covered than her. Anyway - he still didn't dance with me this week and expressed disapointment at my outfit. However he raved about the booty shorts.
I purposely covered up. I do have a pair of short shorts I plan on wearing at some point in the summer - but with a shirt that covers me - and not until I feel like a I can wear them and not be hanging out from underneath. I ended up having a conversation with somebody about what is appropriate to wear in public and what is actually sexy vs. trashy. We came down to covered is sexy and half naked is trashy - unless it's your pajamas in your own home.
That's the gross and grosser - because at least last week she wasn't baring midrift. This time it was like a crop top and booty shorts.
Unfortunately, the grossest is me.
On Wednesday night I tried to wax my own mustache even though it's really only peach fuzz. I woke up with what I thought was a reaction to the wax on the right corner of my upper lip - pimple like - it's happened to me when I had my eyebrows waxed once. I didn't think much of it. I put some pimple stuff on it and since I was going out that night I figured I'd put some on my other pimples. I have broken out really bad in the past few weeks. Only to discover later when I got home - it wasn't an allergic reaction to the wax - it was the beginning of a cold sore and instead of putting something for cold sores on it I used benzoyl peroxide and because I used the blemish stick in mutiple areas now I had not just one spot of ickky blister Herpes Simplex 1 on my face, I've got it in three spots.
K emailed me today about how much he liked seeing me the other night and wanted to meet up for dinner tomorrow before going to a dance. Obviously I can't not looking like a disgusting freak. I made plans with a girlfriend instead and then emailed him that I already had plans. I'll probably still see him if I decide to go to the dance - we'll see how my face is by then.
I was on the phone with another friend of mine who I dance with alot and he said that he had seen me with K, and that K was being overly friendly. He asked me if he and CF needed to talk to him for me. I thought that was pretty nice. He said that K makes some girls uncomfortable. He only mentioned one girl to me and I can see how something I might think is totally fine she would be offended by, but my friend claims that CF knows even more.
CF will be at the dance tomorrow so hopefully I'll get a chance to see what he knows. I think maybe it was a good idea that I said no to dinner before hearing what my friend had to say. I wouldn't want to go on a date with him with this rumor in my head. I'm hoping it's nothing and just this ultra-conservative girl that didn't like him putting a hand on her hip or something.
The week before Young Inner Circle guy said that he hadn't gotten a chance to dance with me because I was never available, there were too many guys in line and he swore he got an elbow to the face when he tried. This was attributed to my outfit - which was a short black skort and a red tank top. Of course he danced with BMG a few times and that was the 1st appearance of the hotshorts. Seeing the one picture of me from that week - I still managed to look more covered than her. Anyway - he still didn't dance with me this week and expressed disapointment at my outfit. However he raved about the booty shorts.
I purposely covered up. I do have a pair of short shorts I plan on wearing at some point in the summer - but with a shirt that covers me - and not until I feel like a I can wear them and not be hanging out from underneath. I ended up having a conversation with somebody about what is appropriate to wear in public and what is actually sexy vs. trashy. We came down to covered is sexy and half naked is trashy - unless it's your pajamas in your own home.
That's the gross and grosser - because at least last week she wasn't baring midrift. This time it was like a crop top and booty shorts.
Unfortunately, the grossest is me.
On Wednesday night I tried to wax my own mustache even though it's really only peach fuzz. I woke up with what I thought was a reaction to the wax on the right corner of my upper lip - pimple like - it's happened to me when I had my eyebrows waxed once. I didn't think much of it. I put some pimple stuff on it and since I was going out that night I figured I'd put some on my other pimples. I have broken out really bad in the past few weeks. Only to discover later when I got home - it wasn't an allergic reaction to the wax - it was the beginning of a cold sore and instead of putting something for cold sores on it I used benzoyl peroxide and because I used the blemish stick in mutiple areas now I had not just one spot of ickky blister Herpes Simplex 1 on my face, I've got it in three spots.
K emailed me today about how much he liked seeing me the other night and wanted to meet up for dinner tomorrow before going to a dance. Obviously I can't not looking like a disgusting freak. I made plans with a girlfriend instead and then emailed him that I already had plans. I'll probably still see him if I decide to go to the dance - we'll see how my face is by then.
I was on the phone with another friend of mine who I dance with alot and he said that he had seen me with K, and that K was being overly friendly. He asked me if he and CF needed to talk to him for me. I thought that was pretty nice. He said that K makes some girls uncomfortable. He only mentioned one girl to me and I can see how something I might think is totally fine she would be offended by, but my friend claims that CF knows even more.
CF will be at the dance tomorrow so hopefully I'll get a chance to see what he knows. I think maybe it was a good idea that I said no to dinner before hearing what my friend had to say. I wouldn't want to go on a date with him with this rumor in my head. I'm hoping it's nothing and just this ultra-conservative girl that didn't like him putting a hand on her hip or something.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Hidden posititves
I still haven't done anything with J other than text alot and say hi, and dance once. I still have time to come to my senses and tell him to fuck off.
My apartment is semi clean (as I was straightening up and puttng my sheets in the washing machine - I thought to myself "why are you doing all this? you know he's going to cancel at the last minute.")
His ass-hat behavior is quickly souring my feelings toward him. In fact I'm trying hard to find something positive to like about him right now.
I think that I am an inch away from really honestly being able to say that I'm done with him.
I'm not angry anymore like I was last night - J is consistant, I can give him that. That is how I knew deep down that he would cancel. This is what he always does. Now it's just resignation. That he is just not worth my time and efforts.
My apartment is semi clean (as I was straightening up and puttng my sheets in the washing machine - I thought to myself "why are you doing all this? you know he's going to cancel at the last minute.")
His ass-hat behavior is quickly souring my feelings toward him. In fact I'm trying hard to find something positive to like about him right now.
I think that I am an inch away from really honestly being able to say that I'm done with him.
I'm not angry anymore like I was last night - J is consistant, I can give him that. That is how I knew deep down that he would cancel. This is what he always does. Now it's just resignation. That he is just not worth my time and efforts.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
But I do care when I'm made a fool of...
Sixth sense -
I knew he was going to be at the club I mentioned in my text and I knew he'd cancel our "get together."
The night was going fine. At first I had a hard time. Seeing him, watching him dance with 5 or 6 other girls before saying hi and asking me to dance - then counting out the timing for me during a dance!
Somewhere in the pit of my stomach I knew tho that he wasn't coming over. A part of me didn't want him to anyway.
I left partway through with L when they started playing hip hop with intention of coming back and dancing some more after one drink. I told J and he said he was leaving to a birthday party instead of staying to let him know when I was home.
I was a few miles from my door getting ready to pull over and text when I get one from him "really drunk, not going to drive. going to stay at my friend's. I'm feeling really sick."
Great. so in the scheme of things having a second or third beer is higher on the priority list than meeting me. Getting drunk was higher on his to do list than getting laid - well, fine. But I don't have to put up with it.
I was pretty close to replying "Stop texting me, I'm done with all of this bullshit." But I didn't. I cried for about half an hour and then replied "I don't want you to drink and drive, but don't tell me to pick a night if you can't or won't follow through. I don't need that bullshit for a random get together"
I wish I could have been stronger. At this point I am so angry with myself that I want to scream at him to leave me alone from now on that I am through wasting my time on someone who doesn't give the smallest shit about me. I wanted to tell him not to text me, not to call, not to even bother saying hello if he sees me, that's how done I am.
We'll see if the humilation grows or dies down, whether or not I end up doing that.
I knew he was going to be at the club I mentioned in my text and I knew he'd cancel our "get together."
The night was going fine. At first I had a hard time. Seeing him, watching him dance with 5 or 6 other girls before saying hi and asking me to dance - then counting out the timing for me during a dance!
Somewhere in the pit of my stomach I knew tho that he wasn't coming over. A part of me didn't want him to anyway.
I left partway through with L when they started playing hip hop with intention of coming back and dancing some more after one drink. I told J and he said he was leaving to a birthday party instead of staying to let him know when I was home.
I was a few miles from my door getting ready to pull over and text when I get one from him "really drunk, not going to drive. going to stay at my friend's. I'm feeling really sick."
Great. so in the scheme of things having a second or third beer is higher on the priority list than meeting me. Getting drunk was higher on his to do list than getting laid - well, fine. But I don't have to put up with it.
I was pretty close to replying "Stop texting me, I'm done with all of this bullshit." But I didn't. I cried for about half an hour and then replied "I don't want you to drink and drive, but don't tell me to pick a night if you can't or won't follow through. I don't need that bullshit for a random get together"
I wish I could have been stronger. At this point I am so angry with myself that I want to scream at him to leave me alone from now on that I am through wasting my time on someone who doesn't give the smallest shit about me. I wanted to tell him not to text me, not to call, not to even bother saying hello if he sees me, that's how done I am.
We'll see if the humilation grows or dies down, whether or not I end up doing that.
I know I'm weak, I just don't care
There was a whole lot 'o text messaging going on this weekend.
J did text me back Saturday night. I was sitting with the X waiting for the previews before Fantastic Four (can I just say those were the most interesting 10 minutes of the movie) when the text came. All he had to say was that he wasn't "trying" to ignore me. Oh no, not trying - it just happens all on it's own. That's how little he thinks of me. So when I left the X's I basically texted that back to him. That and that I must be his last resort when feeling horny. I got a responce around 3am, "you're not, I really have fun with you. Do you want to get together?" I couldn't believe it. After all the messages he's still wanting to get it on.
I didn't respond until Sunday. At that point I'd finally decided to give in. I'm unhappy either way - either he's not with me and I'm thinking about him feeling aweful that he doesn't care, or I'm sleeping with him on occasion thinking why doesn't he want to be with more. At the very least in one of the senario's I can be getting some hot sex.
So I told him I wasn't around for the weekend but that we should get together soon. He responded with tell him when. He didn't even fall for my "anytime that's good for you" text. So I told him we can get together tonight after I'm done dancing.
I know things with J aren't going to be any different this time. In fact they might even be worse. He's totally aknowledged the fact that he is booty calling me. And despite me saying that I don't want to get hurt again, I've gone and given in. My hopes are that I can keep in mind that he's never going to be a boyfriend, or even a date and if I can keep myself busy enough with other non-sex relationships and going out with friends then I think I might be able to keep perspective this time around.
I am also sort of hoping - seeing as J and BMG weren't hanging out together when I saw him at the one club - that I can stop obsessing about BMG now that he's back to sleeping with me. I remember the feeling of security that I had a year ago when we were at a dance. I had a hugely fun time even though he was dancing with and talking to so many other girls because I knew we were going to leave together. Sure it was just to have sex and then go our separate ways.
Speaking of BMG - I have to get my weekly cattiness out of the way. I thought the white mini skirt with side slit up to her panties was bad. But I get to the club on Thursday and she's wearing lime green booty shorts that showed bottom cheek when she danced, a tank top and pig tails with her high heel dance shoes. The really funny thing was that the temperature dropped that day by like 10 degrees. If it had been really hot outside I could understand coming in something you were comfortable in, but it was cold for summer. Ugh, I've seriously got to stop comparing myself to her - I don't want to look like that. Yeah, it'd be nice to not have the cellulite making it possible for me to wear that stuff - but not if it comes at the price of the rest of my womanly figure (I'm small, but I've still got hips). I just don't know why guys go ga ga at the sight of so much skin and fail to see the total lack of hips, waist or boobs, on the girl. Oh and taste. I thought it was bad with the white shirt and black bra, but this is horrible. It makes me wish for those days back. I might have to change her alias from Bare Midrift Girl to Nearly Naked Girl.
I've come up with a name for her guy friend that she argues with on the dance floor. Cool Guy is going to be his name - because that's how he acts. I actually overheard them on the dance floor on Thursday. She was mad, and I heard him say "how am I supposed to learn if I don't try it out." It sounds to me like she doesn't like to try out moves she doesn't know or is comfortable with. Understandable if your just dancing to look good or aren't a good follower. Ha!
Okay - cattiness done.
K was away for the weekend. He sent me a text on Sunday saying that he was headed back and an email yesterday morning. In the email he said he'd call, but didn't until this morning at 8:30am. I should have been at work so I didn't pick up. I did email him back though. He claims to want to go to dinner, but he signed off his email "hope to see you soon...and hold you." Blech - can I have a little less cheese please. And wanting to hold somebody has much more romantic/sexual connotations than I am prepared to have with him right now.
J did text me back Saturday night. I was sitting with the X waiting for the previews before Fantastic Four (can I just say those were the most interesting 10 minutes of the movie) when the text came. All he had to say was that he wasn't "trying" to ignore me. Oh no, not trying - it just happens all on it's own. That's how little he thinks of me. So when I left the X's I basically texted that back to him. That and that I must be his last resort when feeling horny. I got a responce around 3am, "you're not, I really have fun with you. Do you want to get together?" I couldn't believe it. After all the messages he's still wanting to get it on.
I didn't respond until Sunday. At that point I'd finally decided to give in. I'm unhappy either way - either he's not with me and I'm thinking about him feeling aweful that he doesn't care, or I'm sleeping with him on occasion thinking why doesn't he want to be with more. At the very least in one of the senario's I can be getting some hot sex.
So I told him I wasn't around for the weekend but that we should get together soon. He responded with tell him when. He didn't even fall for my "anytime that's good for you" text. So I told him we can get together tonight after I'm done dancing.
I know things with J aren't going to be any different this time. In fact they might even be worse. He's totally aknowledged the fact that he is booty calling me. And despite me saying that I don't want to get hurt again, I've gone and given in. My hopes are that I can keep in mind that he's never going to be a boyfriend, or even a date and if I can keep myself busy enough with other non-sex relationships and going out with friends then I think I might be able to keep perspective this time around.
I am also sort of hoping - seeing as J and BMG weren't hanging out together when I saw him at the one club - that I can stop obsessing about BMG now that he's back to sleeping with me. I remember the feeling of security that I had a year ago when we were at a dance. I had a hugely fun time even though he was dancing with and talking to so many other girls because I knew we were going to leave together. Sure it was just to have sex and then go our separate ways.
Speaking of BMG - I have to get my weekly cattiness out of the way. I thought the white mini skirt with side slit up to her panties was bad. But I get to the club on Thursday and she's wearing lime green booty shorts that showed bottom cheek when she danced, a tank top and pig tails with her high heel dance shoes. The really funny thing was that the temperature dropped that day by like 10 degrees. If it had been really hot outside I could understand coming in something you were comfortable in, but it was cold for summer. Ugh, I've seriously got to stop comparing myself to her - I don't want to look like that. Yeah, it'd be nice to not have the cellulite making it possible for me to wear that stuff - but not if it comes at the price of the rest of my womanly figure (I'm small, but I've still got hips). I just don't know why guys go ga ga at the sight of so much skin and fail to see the total lack of hips, waist or boobs, on the girl. Oh and taste. I thought it was bad with the white shirt and black bra, but this is horrible. It makes me wish for those days back. I might have to change her alias from Bare Midrift Girl to Nearly Naked Girl.
I've come up with a name for her guy friend that she argues with on the dance floor. Cool Guy is going to be his name - because that's how he acts. I actually overheard them on the dance floor on Thursday. She was mad, and I heard him say "how am I supposed to learn if I don't try it out." It sounds to me like she doesn't like to try out moves she doesn't know or is comfortable with. Understandable if your just dancing to look good or aren't a good follower. Ha!
Okay - cattiness done.
K was away for the weekend. He sent me a text on Sunday saying that he was headed back and an email yesterday morning. In the email he said he'd call, but didn't until this morning at 8:30am. I should have been at work so I didn't pick up. I did email him back though. He claims to want to go to dinner, but he signed off his email "hope to see you soon...and hold you." Blech - can I have a little less cheese please. And wanting to hold somebody has much more romantic/sexual connotations than I am prepared to have with him right now.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I stood up for myself - so why do I feel bad now
I got another text message from J last night. I had gone out with a girlfriend. It was a fun girly night of drinking. She's having problems with her boyfriend so I did alot of listening.
As soon as I dropped her off at her house I got a text message. I had gotten one from my ex-personal trainer seeing how I was doing on my own and a few from guys I dance with wondering if I was coming out that night, I was expecting another like that. But it was J asking if I was awake.
My heart started pounding and I got upset. I pulled over and texted him back asking if he meant that text for me because it sounded like a booty call and I thought he wanted to be just friends. I kept driving and pretty soon he texted me back - It was for you. I still want to be intimate with you, I guess it was a booty call. I drove for a while because I was trying to figure out what to say. Eventually I found a gas station to pull into so I could text him back when I was about half way home. I said - You've ignored me for months, you'll probably continue to after if I slept with you. You know that's not what I want. He never replied. Not even to defend
himself.
After sleeping on it, I feel like I could have phrased it better. I shouldn't have said "you" so much. When I got home, and even now I feel like it was a really harsh thing to say. I'm so tempted to apologize and to explain better. But the truth is that I told him that I had a problem sleeping with him but not getting anything else. I really hate is inability to reply to this stuff. He did it with the emails a few months ago too. I'm not sure if this will make him stop communicating with me all together, or if maybe he'll start talking to me know. I'm not sure.
So, why do I feel so crummy? Because I was hoping that him seeing me again would spur something more than a booty call. Because it just reminds me that to him I'm just something to fuck and not really a person worthy of much time. Because if I could have him as often as I want, and not as rarely as he does, maybe I'd make the consession. Because the guys who always seem so passionate about me never excite the same in me.
As soon as I dropped her off at her house I got a text message. I had gotten one from my ex-personal trainer seeing how I was doing on my own and a few from guys I dance with wondering if I was coming out that night, I was expecting another like that. But it was J asking if I was awake.
My heart started pounding and I got upset. I pulled over and texted him back asking if he meant that text for me because it sounded like a booty call and I thought he wanted to be just friends. I kept driving and pretty soon he texted me back - It was for you. I still want to be intimate with you, I guess it was a booty call. I drove for a while because I was trying to figure out what to say. Eventually I found a gas station to pull into so I could text him back when I was about half way home. I said - You've ignored me for months, you'll probably continue to after if I slept with you. You know that's not what I want. He never replied. Not even to defend
himself.
After sleeping on it, I feel like I could have phrased it better. I shouldn't have said "you" so much. When I got home, and even now I feel like it was a really harsh thing to say. I'm so tempted to apologize and to explain better. But the truth is that I told him that I had a problem sleeping with him but not getting anything else. I really hate is inability to reply to this stuff. He did it with the emails a few months ago too. I'm not sure if this will make him stop communicating with me all together, or if maybe he'll start talking to me know. I'm not sure.
So, why do I feel so crummy? Because I was hoping that him seeing me again would spur something more than a booty call. Because it just reminds me that to him I'm just something to fuck and not really a person worthy of much time. Because if I could have him as often as I want, and not as rarely as he does, maybe I'd make the consession. Because the guys who always seem so passionate about me never excite the same in me.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Red Flag
I continue to be confused by K.
He stopped by my work yesterday. I thought he might since he's been saying he was going to stop in and say hi for as long as I've known him, but never has. I mentioned on Saturday when we were "hanging out" that I had to work. So lo, and behold, half an hour before we close he bumps into me (literally) and we chat. He wants my email address. About 15 minutes later he goes to say bye and I realize, since I'm closing up soon, maybe we can hang out afterwards.
I tell him that we close in 15 and does he want to get something to eat afterward. He says he'll wait for me outside. When I go out to see him, he says he can't eat with me he's got to go cook with family, but we can go somewhere for me. Hmmm...why'd he stick around then. We just walked for a bit and talked. He walked me back to my car and then we proceded to make out for awhile.
He told me a totally disturbing story about him confronting a bully about 10 years after the guy harrassed him. It stemmed from me talking about why I still see myself as a shy person. I never got to finish my thoughts, but he told me about threatening this guy in college to the point where the guy was seriously scared for his saftey.
Not a great story. Sure I was bullied in middle school and I can recall one girl's name, but I don't honestly think I'd recogonize them again if I met them. It's been 15 years after all. And if I did, what am I going to do? Tell them what they already know? That they were sad and pathetic for picking on someone weaker than themselves just to make them feel better about their own sorry lives? Who cares? We were kids. Yes it would be better if they hadn't done it, but what is threatening someone years later going to accomplish. Especially when they know what they did was wrong? Let their own conscience yell at them, let Karma, or God or whatever deal with them, I've got better things to do.
That was red flag number one.
Red flag number two. K continues to be enthusiastic about how much he likes me, to the point where he says he's embarrassed. It was cute the first time. Now, I feel like it's over the top. I get it, you like me. Have I told you to fuck off yet? No. So stop being so damn insecure.
Red flag number 3. Making out. He keeps saying that he's an affectionate guy that he says how he feels (oh really, that's why it took a year for you to ask for my number?) So he tells me how nice it is too hold me, how sexy I am etc. And while we're kissing, hever once tried to hide the fact that he was very turned on. And it seemed like he wanted to do more than kissing - it was practically foreplay. He gave me a little massage and I pretty much had to keep him from going any farther than just making out - as in deflecting hands from new place. I was having major flashbacks to J and I. Our first make-out session went very far and two days later we were in the back seat of his car. Look where that led me.
Red Flag number 4. Before the making out K said he didn't know where to go from here, or what to do next. I told him, well, you should call me, and we should go out sometime. He seemed to concure. But after the making out when he was leaving he says to call him. Call him any time. Huh?
I know it's stupid and very "rules" like, but I'm done with calling guys and asking them out. Done. All it did with J was give me a false sense that things were going the way I wanted. The same with the Jackass before him.
Call me crazy, or old fashioned but from now on I want a date, or three, before I start getting physical with someone. I'm not doing any more of this tripping over a guy and straight into bed with him.
He stopped by my work yesterday. I thought he might since he's been saying he was going to stop in and say hi for as long as I've known him, but never has. I mentioned on Saturday when we were "hanging out" that I had to work. So lo, and behold, half an hour before we close he bumps into me (literally) and we chat. He wants my email address. About 15 minutes later he goes to say bye and I realize, since I'm closing up soon, maybe we can hang out afterwards.
I tell him that we close in 15 and does he want to get something to eat afterward. He says he'll wait for me outside. When I go out to see him, he says he can't eat with me he's got to go cook with family, but we can go somewhere for me. Hmmm...why'd he stick around then. We just walked for a bit and talked. He walked me back to my car and then we proceded to make out for awhile.
He told me a totally disturbing story about him confronting a bully about 10 years after the guy harrassed him. It stemmed from me talking about why I still see myself as a shy person. I never got to finish my thoughts, but he told me about threatening this guy in college to the point where the guy was seriously scared for his saftey.
Not a great story. Sure I was bullied in middle school and I can recall one girl's name, but I don't honestly think I'd recogonize them again if I met them. It's been 15 years after all. And if I did, what am I going to do? Tell them what they already know? That they were sad and pathetic for picking on someone weaker than themselves just to make them feel better about their own sorry lives? Who cares? We were kids. Yes it would be better if they hadn't done it, but what is threatening someone years later going to accomplish. Especially when they know what they did was wrong? Let their own conscience yell at them, let Karma, or God or whatever deal with them, I've got better things to do.
That was red flag number one.
Red flag number two. K continues to be enthusiastic about how much he likes me, to the point where he says he's embarrassed. It was cute the first time. Now, I feel like it's over the top. I get it, you like me. Have I told you to fuck off yet? No. So stop being so damn insecure.
Red flag number 3. Making out. He keeps saying that he's an affectionate guy that he says how he feels (oh really, that's why it took a year for you to ask for my number?) So he tells me how nice it is too hold me, how sexy I am etc. And while we're kissing, hever once tried to hide the fact that he was very turned on. And it seemed like he wanted to do more than kissing - it was practically foreplay. He gave me a little massage and I pretty much had to keep him from going any farther than just making out - as in deflecting hands from new place. I was having major flashbacks to J and I. Our first make-out session went very far and two days later we were in the back seat of his car. Look where that led me.
Red Flag number 4. Before the making out K said he didn't know where to go from here, or what to do next. I told him, well, you should call me, and we should go out sometime. He seemed to concure. But after the making out when he was leaving he says to call him. Call him any time. Huh?
I know it's stupid and very "rules" like, but I'm done with calling guys and asking them out. Done. All it did with J was give me a false sense that things were going the way I wanted. The same with the Jackass before him.
Call me crazy, or old fashioned but from now on I want a date, or three, before I start getting physical with someone. I'm not doing any more of this tripping over a guy and straight into bed with him.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Red Light, Green Light
What signals do I choose to heed and which do I figure are misleading?
When a guy close dances with you and asks for your number, then calls a week later to hang out that says to me that he likes me.
When I call him back and he says, call me when you want to hang, to me that says he's blowing me off.
When he says over and over how glad he is that I called him, that he wouldn't have shown up to a particular club if I hadn't been going, if he then talks to me for hours, and says he's embarrassed to say how glad he is that we got to hang out and then kisses me at my car, that tells me that he likes me.
When he sends me a text message at 4 am saying he's wanted to kiss me forever and that he's glad to finally be able to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am that he wants to see me soon - that tells me that he likes me.
When he says, again, to call him when I want to hang with him - that tells me that he's still playing it safe.
This is K. A guy I met a year ago and who I assumed had a girlfriend. He was always just friendly. He'd say hi, how's it going, and then go about dancing with other people. I'd usually have to corner him to get a dance. This whole time apparently he was just afraid that I wasn't interested.
To be fair for a very long time I was intently focused on J and I might well have turned him down. Even now, I'm a little hesitant.
Things have been weird with thinking that I'll run into J at any moment. If things don't go well with K (if I end up crushing his poor heart under my 3" dancing heels) how will I deal with the social fallout?
Also, I'm feeling that this might still be a symptom of feeling rejected - particularly now after the texting debacle with J, I wish I hadn't replied, I wish I hadn't replied with that reply, I keep wondering if he got the text because I haven't heard from him - and of seeing BMG in pictures on-line (there is one of her sitting - she's not even looking at the camera, it's just of her legs in that short white skirt. WTF?) and knowing how many guys are ga-ga for her. It's nice having someone who a) told me that I'm beautiful b) that he thinks so every time he sees me and c) how nice and non-stuck up I am (is it bad that I was thinking "ha! take that BMG!" in my head while he was saying this to me? and that if he knew my secret of being uber-catty he'd reasses that last one). I'm afraid that maybe I'm replacing the X - who is moving in less than a month and for whom my attraction is waning - with K. I'm afraid I would just use him to make J more interested in me.
I don't want to be a man eater. I don't want to lead this guy along. Especially if get the guts to pack up and move this winter. But it's nice to have someone that I like say these things to me. Maybe he's the one I need to get me over J, but is that really fair to K?
L has asked me out to dinner. I've been nice to him, and he's been talking to me at these clubs that I've been going to lately. He also texted me while I was on vacation. I texted him back last night. The club that I was meeting K at was dead (I ended up leaving with K and his friends and hanging out with them at somebody's house) and I was waiting for K to show up so texting was the natural fall back - that and the "Bubblesmile" game on my phone.
Today he emails me - maybe I want to try a new place on Wednesday and we can get dinner before hand. Sigh. I haven't meant to lead L on. It was just nice to talk and be friendly with him. I can't very well tell him, "Look, dating you will lead to fooling around, which I do not want to do with you. You're a bad kisser, it takes too long to get you off, and I'm not down with insulting you to turn you on." But I like him as a friend. Even a flirty friend.
It's funny. I'm obsessed with BMG and how "every" guy seems to think she's so hot. And when it comes down to it she only hangs with show off guy, and dances alot with the other guy (I have no good nickname for him) otherwise it's just the passel of other girls with Show Off guy. When I think about me - I can come up with 2 girls that I hang with one of whom is out of the country for a while and the rest are all guys - CF, CF's Friend, A (the very complimentary dancer who always tells me that I'm "all business" on the dance floor), K, L and more recently Older Inner Circle guy. So yeah, Younger Inner Circle guy takes her photo a ton, and she wears trashy clothes to show off her body - but I think it comes down to that old addage of girls not dressing up to impress guys, but to impress other girls. I wish I could believe the guys that like and compliment me to my face instead of my own head.
When a guy close dances with you and asks for your number, then calls a week later to hang out that says to me that he likes me.
When I call him back and he says, call me when you want to hang, to me that says he's blowing me off.
When he says over and over how glad he is that I called him, that he wouldn't have shown up to a particular club if I hadn't been going, if he then talks to me for hours, and says he's embarrassed to say how glad he is that we got to hang out and then kisses me at my car, that tells me that he likes me.
When he sends me a text message at 4 am saying he's wanted to kiss me forever and that he's glad to finally be able to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am that he wants to see me soon - that tells me that he likes me.
When he says, again, to call him when I want to hang with him - that tells me that he's still playing it safe.
This is K. A guy I met a year ago and who I assumed had a girlfriend. He was always just friendly. He'd say hi, how's it going, and then go about dancing with other people. I'd usually have to corner him to get a dance. This whole time apparently he was just afraid that I wasn't interested.
To be fair for a very long time I was intently focused on J and I might well have turned him down. Even now, I'm a little hesitant.
Things have been weird with thinking that I'll run into J at any moment. If things don't go well with K (if I end up crushing his poor heart under my 3" dancing heels) how will I deal with the social fallout?
Also, I'm feeling that this might still be a symptom of feeling rejected - particularly now after the texting debacle with J, I wish I hadn't replied, I wish I hadn't replied with that reply, I keep wondering if he got the text because I haven't heard from him - and of seeing BMG in pictures on-line (there is one of her sitting - she's not even looking at the camera, it's just of her legs in that short white skirt. WTF?) and knowing how many guys are ga-ga for her. It's nice having someone who a) told me that I'm beautiful b) that he thinks so every time he sees me and c) how nice and non-stuck up I am (is it bad that I was thinking "ha! take that BMG!" in my head while he was saying this to me? and that if he knew my secret of being uber-catty he'd reasses that last one). I'm afraid that maybe I'm replacing the X - who is moving in less than a month and for whom my attraction is waning - with K. I'm afraid I would just use him to make J more interested in me.
I don't want to be a man eater. I don't want to lead this guy along. Especially if get the guts to pack up and move this winter. But it's nice to have someone that I like say these things to me. Maybe he's the one I need to get me over J, but is that really fair to K?
L has asked me out to dinner. I've been nice to him, and he's been talking to me at these clubs that I've been going to lately. He also texted me while I was on vacation. I texted him back last night. The club that I was meeting K at was dead (I ended up leaving with K and his friends and hanging out with them at somebody's house) and I was waiting for K to show up so texting was the natural fall back - that and the "Bubblesmile" game on my phone.
Today he emails me - maybe I want to try a new place on Wednesday and we can get dinner before hand. Sigh. I haven't meant to lead L on. It was just nice to talk and be friendly with him. I can't very well tell him, "Look, dating you will lead to fooling around, which I do not want to do with you. You're a bad kisser, it takes too long to get you off, and I'm not down with insulting you to turn you on." But I like him as a friend. Even a flirty friend.
It's funny. I'm obsessed with BMG and how "every" guy seems to think she's so hot. And when it comes down to it she only hangs with show off guy, and dances alot with the other guy (I have no good nickname for him) otherwise it's just the passel of other girls with Show Off guy. When I think about me - I can come up with 2 girls that I hang with one of whom is out of the country for a while and the rest are all guys - CF, CF's Friend, A (the very complimentary dancer who always tells me that I'm "all business" on the dance floor), K, L and more recently Older Inner Circle guy. So yeah, Younger Inner Circle guy takes her photo a ton, and she wears trashy clothes to show off her body - but I think it comes down to that old addage of girls not dressing up to impress guys, but to impress other girls. I wish I could believe the guys that like and compliment me to my face instead of my own head.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Unsubscribe me from your Booty Call List
I got better cell reception than the guides claimed when I was gone. I actually had a full set of bars sometimes. I wish I had just left the damn thing turned off though.
On day 2 I got a text message from J.
"Are you awake?" sent in the wee hours of the morning on the weekend.
Huh? At first I got all tingly and excited. It worked! I screamed in my head. Ignoring the bastard made him hot for me. He must have seen my wicked dance moves and realized that he must have me or else.
Yeah, the more I think about it the more I realize that he must have created a booty call group in his cell's phone book, texts it to see who's around and who responds. My guess is the fastest response and closest location gets the prize.
This realization makes me feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up again and for responding to the damn text. But I honestly thought for that amount of time that he had wanted me. Too bad I'm a complete moron and he's not replied to my reply. How often do I need to be rejected before I get the picture that J doesn't give an iota of a shit about me? He couldn't even remember to take me out of his booty call group. I'm sure he has by now.
The message I sent was just that I was out of town. Even though I was tempted to tell him to call me later, or ask what was up I didn't. Having days of non-response I've managed to stew alot and think of some better ways of responding if he sends one again. I considered something lengthy reminding hm that casual was not what I wanted, and didn't he think of me as just a friend anyway? But in the end my favorite is the "unsubscribe me from this booty-call list" because it says that I know what he's up to and that he's not getting any from me either.
On day 2 I got a text message from J.
"Are you awake?" sent in the wee hours of the morning on the weekend.
Huh? At first I got all tingly and excited. It worked! I screamed in my head. Ignoring the bastard made him hot for me. He must have seen my wicked dance moves and realized that he must have me or else.
Yeah, the more I think about it the more I realize that he must have created a booty call group in his cell's phone book, texts it to see who's around and who responds. My guess is the fastest response and closest location gets the prize.
This realization makes me feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up again and for responding to the damn text. But I honestly thought for that amount of time that he had wanted me. Too bad I'm a complete moron and he's not replied to my reply. How often do I need to be rejected before I get the picture that J doesn't give an iota of a shit about me? He couldn't even remember to take me out of his booty call group. I'm sure he has by now.
The message I sent was just that I was out of town. Even though I was tempted to tell him to call me later, or ask what was up I didn't. Having days of non-response I've managed to stew alot and think of some better ways of responding if he sends one again. I considered something lengthy reminding hm that casual was not what I wanted, and didn't he think of me as just a friend anyway? But in the end my favorite is the "unsubscribe me from this booty-call list" because it says that I know what he's up to and that he's not getting any from me either.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Saturday Secrets
I thought I was in love J.
One part of my brain still says I am.
One part says don't be stupid, it is lust; a crush.
And one part says I hate him. For going from sleeping with me to ignoring me. For playing me so spectacularly, but still holding some incomprehensible fasination with me.
One part of my brain still says I am.
One part says don't be stupid, it is lust; a crush.
And one part says I hate him. For going from sleeping with me to ignoring me. For playing me so spectacularly, but still holding some incomprehensible fasination with me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
All I ever wanted
Vacation! Have to get away.
Right now I'm working on zero hours of sleep. I got home from the club at 2am had a good cry - finished watching a movie I'd started while working on my cute denim clam diggers, started blogging and then cleaning in prepation for -
a whole week out of here - no phone, no computer, no work. Just sunshine, mountains, water, hiking, horses, more sunshine and hanging out with family.
I have decided against sending J that text message. I'm glad I saved the draft and didn't have a "just go for it" moment. He had multiple occasions to engage me in conversation last night. He chose not to. If I had been so worried about what he thought of me ignoring him I would have gone up to him. But I didn't. As hard as it is to think that J doesn't want anything to do with me really, for what ever reason, then I've just got to live with it. Maybe over the next few months of running into each other occasionally hi how are you will turn into some better conversation, and maybe eventually I'll have the guts to dance with him again. Hopefully when that happens it's because I'm finally over him and dancing with him won't mean what it means now.
Like a compass
I don't know what it is. I can't figure out this weird new 6th sense I've got about J and where he's going to be dancing. I knew going to S___ Club Wednesday night that he wasn't going to be there even though I had seen him there the week before. And I also somehow knew that he would show up at the H_____ Club tonight. In the 6 weeks I've been going I haven't seen him there once.
Last week dancing with Show Off guy (the one with the huge following of women) he asked me where I learned. I think he comes to these clubs and shows off trying to get new clients (I've often wondered why J doesn't do something similar). I told him the truth - I know that Show Off Guy knows J. I saw SOG at J's club everytime I went. I had this idea in my head that SOG would go on Friday and mention our conversation at H____ Club and that J would show up knowing I was going to be there.
I can't say that that's how it happened, but J did show up. I wonder if he felt last Wednesday like I did tonight - looking up and seeing him in a place I was sure he never went.
Ever since I met J I've had an odd awareness of him. Like I can tell from afar if it's him walking on campus or not. I can tell by the body shape, the walk, the posture everything. So I only had see out of the corner of my eye him come into the club and pay the cover. At that point I became deeply engrossed in my conversation about the Beatles with a girl I sort of know. Even when I knew he was standing 4 feet to my left and that he had definitely seen me I didn't look up and acknowledge him. I steadfastly ignored him for at least 15 minutes. Which is impressive because H___ on Thursdays is not like S____ on Wednesdays - it's not crowded it has a large sized dance floor and all the seating is facing the dance floor including the bar. Mid-conversation about the beatles I got asked to dance, another guy I dance with on a regular basis was coming off the floor I quickly tapped him on the shoulder and said, save me the next one. I wanted to make sure that J saw me dancing with someone I know I dance well with. On about my 3rd or 4th dance that partner lead me over next to J and, guess, BMG dancing. I ignored them. But I did say hi to J after the dance was over since we were all exiting the floor and were standing in the same area. He said hi and we awkwardly hugged. He acted like he didn't really want to say hi to me. It was a weird exchange.
I pretty much ignored him the rest of the night too. It wasn't easy since I was at a table between where he was sitting at the bar (he didn't hang out with BMG and her elite gang) and the dance floor. I could feel him right behind me. I did talk to friends alot making a conscious effort not to turn around, but there were a few times when I was sitting by myself and he never came to talk to me. I did go to the bar a couple of times for coke or water and I made sure my path didn't go by him.
In the end though it was hugely dis-satisfying. I wish I could just be normal with him. I just don't know how.
I mean, I danced well, and there was more than once that I know he was watching me. I only saw him dance with BMG two, maybe 3 times although once - I know he was showing off - they did a lift. He tried that with me once a year ago before we started sleeping together. I wanted to just tell them both to grow up - it's not a ballroom competition it's a social dance.
I talked with L alot early in the evening - before J got there. I am amazed at how easy he is with me after the rejection I handed him. It is not unlike what J did to me. We fooled around, he said he wanted to date me and I said no that I didn't feel that way about him. Now 9 months later he's joking with me, flirting like mad. It's pretty crazy and I admire him for it. Because I can't even look J in the eye.
I sort of checked him out while I was dancing or I'd cast side-long glances while I was talking off the floor and he was dancing. I sort of wonder if L doesn't really want another chance with me. He told me once that he has a physical reaction to my presence. I think that it must be similar to mine when J is around.
It's strange because even though I was telling myself, don't be silly J's got no reason to go there. I still took extra special care with my appearance for the night - trying to get the casual/natural look. The longest part was my outfit really. I got old jeans at the Salvation Army cut the bottoms of the legs and the back pockets off. I rolled what was left of the bottoms up to my knees for the clam digger look. The back pockets had these horrible buttons on them, and I just would have taken the flaps off since they stuck out, but the buttons were so horrendous the whole thing had to go. That took forever. I paired it with a sky blue stretchy tank, also purchased at the Salvation Army earlier that evening which is shorter, but not mid-rift baring and I was wearing my new satin covered flesh toned shoes (to make the leg look longer). Then just natural make up, and air dried hair pulled up at the crown.
BMG on the other hand looked like a skinny Anna Kournikova. She was wearing an orange tank a few shades off from her skin color, and a short white skirt with a slit to the top of leg showing the built in boy shorts. It was a far cry from the jazz pants and black top I first met her in. I was glad of the contrast, because I was told by two guys that my out fit was cute, and that I was "rockin it" in my jeans. (I think the big blue patches on my ass where the back pockets where helped with that last statement). I was nice to BMG again tonight though - my guy friend mentioned "alot of guys think she's hot" and I when he didn't hear me say "I think she's built like a boy" I didn't repeat myself. I said, "never mind, I don't know her, and I don't want to be a person who talks that way."
I had a good time really (only a brief foray into the ladies for a cry after he'd gone without saying good-bye - but can you blame him for not wanting to approach an ice queen?). I danced with both Inner Circle guys - Older Inner Circle, and Younger Inner Circle. YIC took my picture early in the evening with L for their website, and was the one to make the "rockin" jeans comment. I think J saw me dancing with him. After the first dance after J got there which I was nervous as hell about - I calmed down and just thought fuck it - he's either watching or not and I couldn't let it affect my good time. So I didn't let it.
Except for the ignoring bit. I wonder if that's why he gave me an icy hi on the dance floor - because I had ignored him and last week at S____ club he had been normal and nice-ish to me. But I did say hi, and it's not like he couldn't have said hi to me, or asked me to dance - although I don't look forward to the first time that happens.
When I originally thought J might show up tonight, I had these fantasies of him asking to talk to me and taking me off in a corner where we would talk about stuff - he'd tell me misses me etc. The sad thing is I saw two different couples making out tonight. But J said exactly 2 words to me - Hi and Good (after I asked how he was).
I am an inch away from extending an olive branch. I want to text message him "Haven't seen you at H before. How did you like it?" He sat out for quite some time at one point. I just feel bad that he was sitting alone at the bar, BMG was with her Show Off Guy, not even SOG was sitting with J, and I was with my friends ignoring him. I know I shouldn't feel bad if he feels shitty, since he made me feel pretty shitty alot of the times. But I don't want him to think I'm bitter or a bitch. I also know I shouldn't care what he thinks of me. I just can't help it.
A part of me rationalizes it by wondering why can't just be mature about this. We had a fling, it's over, let's be fine with each other. We've seen each other naked, why can't we be comfortable around each other with clothes on now?
I wrote the text, but I didn't send it. I have it a saved message and will decide in the morning whether to send it or not.
Au natural:
I need to take the front pockets off too so that there is some consistency with the front and back, I just didn't have time tonight. I'll probably also remove the belt loops and add some kind of pretty silver or gold ribbon to the waistband to cover up the god awful button at the front and if it's wide enough cover up some of the wear on the top edges of where the pockets used to be. I patched the areas from the inside for now, but I'd like to cover them.
Last week dancing with Show Off guy (the one with the huge following of women) he asked me where I learned. I think he comes to these clubs and shows off trying to get new clients (I've often wondered why J doesn't do something similar). I told him the truth - I know that Show Off Guy knows J. I saw SOG at J's club everytime I went. I had this idea in my head that SOG would go on Friday and mention our conversation at H____ Club and that J would show up knowing I was going to be there.
I can't say that that's how it happened, but J did show up. I wonder if he felt last Wednesday like I did tonight - looking up and seeing him in a place I was sure he never went.
Ever since I met J I've had an odd awareness of him. Like I can tell from afar if it's him walking on campus or not. I can tell by the body shape, the walk, the posture everything. So I only had see out of the corner of my eye him come into the club and pay the cover. At that point I became deeply engrossed in my conversation about the Beatles with a girl I sort of know. Even when I knew he was standing 4 feet to my left and that he had definitely seen me I didn't look up and acknowledge him. I steadfastly ignored him for at least 15 minutes. Which is impressive because H___ on Thursdays is not like S____ on Wednesdays - it's not crowded it has a large sized dance floor and all the seating is facing the dance floor including the bar. Mid-conversation about the beatles I got asked to dance, another guy I dance with on a regular basis was coming off the floor I quickly tapped him on the shoulder and said, save me the next one. I wanted to make sure that J saw me dancing with someone I know I dance well with. On about my 3rd or 4th dance that partner lead me over next to J and, guess, BMG dancing. I ignored them. But I did say hi to J after the dance was over since we were all exiting the floor and were standing in the same area. He said hi and we awkwardly hugged. He acted like he didn't really want to say hi to me. It was a weird exchange.
I pretty much ignored him the rest of the night too. It wasn't easy since I was at a table between where he was sitting at the bar (he didn't hang out with BMG and her elite gang) and the dance floor. I could feel him right behind me. I did talk to friends alot making a conscious effort not to turn around, but there were a few times when I was sitting by myself and he never came to talk to me. I did go to the bar a couple of times for coke or water and I made sure my path didn't go by him.
In the end though it was hugely dis-satisfying. I wish I could just be normal with him. I just don't know how.
I mean, I danced well, and there was more than once that I know he was watching me. I only saw him dance with BMG two, maybe 3 times although once - I know he was showing off - they did a lift. He tried that with me once a year ago before we started sleeping together. I wanted to just tell them both to grow up - it's not a ballroom competition it's a social dance.
I talked with L alot early in the evening - before J got there. I am amazed at how easy he is with me after the rejection I handed him. It is not unlike what J did to me. We fooled around, he said he wanted to date me and I said no that I didn't feel that way about him. Now 9 months later he's joking with me, flirting like mad. It's pretty crazy and I admire him for it. Because I can't even look J in the eye.
I sort of checked him out while I was dancing or I'd cast side-long glances while I was talking off the floor and he was dancing. I sort of wonder if L doesn't really want another chance with me. He told me once that he has a physical reaction to my presence. I think that it must be similar to mine when J is around.
It's strange because even though I was telling myself, don't be silly J's got no reason to go there. I still took extra special care with my appearance for the night - trying to get the casual/natural look. The longest part was my outfit really. I got old jeans at the Salvation Army cut the bottoms of the legs and the back pockets off. I rolled what was left of the bottoms up to my knees for the clam digger look. The back pockets had these horrible buttons on them, and I just would have taken the flaps off since they stuck out, but the buttons were so horrendous the whole thing had to go. That took forever. I paired it with a sky blue stretchy tank, also purchased at the Salvation Army earlier that evening which is shorter, but not mid-rift baring and I was wearing my new satin covered flesh toned shoes (to make the leg look longer). Then just natural make up, and air dried hair pulled up at the crown.
BMG on the other hand looked like a skinny Anna Kournikova. She was wearing an orange tank a few shades off from her skin color, and a short white skirt with a slit to the top of leg showing the built in boy shorts. It was a far cry from the jazz pants and black top I first met her in. I was glad of the contrast, because I was told by two guys that my out fit was cute, and that I was "rockin it" in my jeans. (I think the big blue patches on my ass where the back pockets where helped with that last statement). I was nice to BMG again tonight though - my guy friend mentioned "alot of guys think she's hot" and I when he didn't hear me say "I think she's built like a boy" I didn't repeat myself. I said, "never mind, I don't know her, and I don't want to be a person who talks that way."
I had a good time really (only a brief foray into the ladies for a cry after he'd gone without saying good-bye - but can you blame him for not wanting to approach an ice queen?). I danced with both Inner Circle guys - Older Inner Circle, and Younger Inner Circle. YIC took my picture early in the evening with L for their website, and was the one to make the "rockin" jeans comment. I think J saw me dancing with him. After the first dance after J got there which I was nervous as hell about - I calmed down and just thought fuck it - he's either watching or not and I couldn't let it affect my good time. So I didn't let it.
Except for the ignoring bit. I wonder if that's why he gave me an icy hi on the dance floor - because I had ignored him and last week at S____ club he had been normal and nice-ish to me. But I did say hi, and it's not like he couldn't have said hi to me, or asked me to dance - although I don't look forward to the first time that happens.
When I originally thought J might show up tonight, I had these fantasies of him asking to talk to me and taking me off in a corner where we would talk about stuff - he'd tell me misses me etc. The sad thing is I saw two different couples making out tonight. But J said exactly 2 words to me - Hi and Good (after I asked how he was).
I am an inch away from extending an olive branch. I want to text message him "Haven't seen you at H before. How did you like it?" He sat out for quite some time at one point. I just feel bad that he was sitting alone at the bar, BMG was with her Show Off Guy, not even SOG was sitting with J, and I was with my friends ignoring him. I know I shouldn't feel bad if he feels shitty, since he made me feel pretty shitty alot of the times. But I don't want him to think I'm bitter or a bitch. I also know I shouldn't care what he thinks of me. I just can't help it.
A part of me rationalizes it by wondering why can't just be mature about this. We had a fling, it's over, let's be fine with each other. We've seen each other naked, why can't we be comfortable around each other with clothes on now?
I wrote the text, but I didn't send it. I have it a saved message and will decide in the morning whether to send it or not.
Au natural:
I need to take the front pockets off too so that there is some consistency with the front and back, I just didn't have time tonight. I'll probably also remove the belt loops and add some kind of pretty silver or gold ribbon to the waistband to cover up the god awful button at the front and if it's wide enough cover up some of the wear on the top edges of where the pockets used to be. I patched the areas from the inside for now, but I'd like to cover them.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Ground me I'm having an Off Night
I had a good day at work. Something went right for a change and the teens I work with really seemed to enjoy the program I put together. I actually had more than 2/3 show up!
A night of dancing, however, didn't go as smoothly. For one J wasn't there this time. Again, my instincts had told me that already. That didn't stop me from looking though. I think that initially through me off. Then I slipped when I was being dipped by this one guy - I don't like dancing with him anyway, but I don't need him thinking I don't know what I'm doing - and he nearly dropped me. We stopped dancing after that. I was pretty much in a funk for most of the rest of the evening.
J may not have showed up, but one of the Inner Cirlce (as I like to call it) came in. It's the older guy, not the one who invited me to the BBQ. I didn't think he came to this place, but there was and he asked me to dance. I was really nervous because last thursday I thought I was horrid when I danced with him. To the point where I swear BMG who was sitting next to the dance floor laughed at me (even after I found her goddam earring for her). Add to that the fact that I was having an off night already, I thought for sure I would end up on my ass.
But it went all right for the most part. I guess I figured I couldn't get any worse. I fumbled a little bit, and he gave me a tip. Just to put a little more resistance in my arms. I guess I've gotten so used to dancing with the same guys all the time, I know their moves and can be a little more lax. It's the resistance in your arms and having a good frame that helps the leader get the message across. So I just firmed up a little bit and suddenly the dance was so much better. At least I felt it was. I stopped counting my steps for one, because I just kept thinking - firm, but not inflexible. I asked him afterward if that was better. He said it was and that I just needed some polishing.
It's similar to what my instructor told me earlier this week. I approached him about private lessons. Because if I get over the fear of doing what is expected of me and what a "safe" career choice is, and what my family will think, then I am going to pursue a spot at the Ballroom Dance Teachers College in January. Unless I can find a place that has openings after August (when I'm quitting my job) that will train me. I'd just like to have some more experience and a better foundation before then. This instructor is amazing, he has been dancing since he was young and teaching for more than 20 and think closer to 30 years. He is going to take me on - it's expensive, but I was going to take a grad class that would help me in my current job. But I hate my current job. I don't want to be at it anymore. So why spend the money on that?
He said that I have good movement and rhythm that I just need learn "grounding" once I get that I'll be "a good little dancer." I'm not sure what that last part is supposed to mean. Granted I'm short and petite, and he is quite a bit older than him. He probably thinks I'm 18. Still, it was a compliment. I know that much. Somehow things like that mean so much more coming from someone you admire.
I feel like a rough jewel all of a sudden - grounding and polishing - and I'll shine. (Ewww...that' was so kitch, pretend I didn't write it.)
A night of dancing, however, didn't go as smoothly. For one J wasn't there this time. Again, my instincts had told me that already. That didn't stop me from looking though. I think that initially through me off. Then I slipped when I was being dipped by this one guy - I don't like dancing with him anyway, but I don't need him thinking I don't know what I'm doing - and he nearly dropped me. We stopped dancing after that. I was pretty much in a funk for most of the rest of the evening.
J may not have showed up, but one of the Inner Cirlce (as I like to call it) came in. It's the older guy, not the one who invited me to the BBQ. I didn't think he came to this place, but there was and he asked me to dance. I was really nervous because last thursday I thought I was horrid when I danced with him. To the point where I swear BMG who was sitting next to the dance floor laughed at me (even after I found her goddam earring for her). Add to that the fact that I was having an off night already, I thought for sure I would end up on my ass.
But it went all right for the most part. I guess I figured I couldn't get any worse. I fumbled a little bit, and he gave me a tip. Just to put a little more resistance in my arms. I guess I've gotten so used to dancing with the same guys all the time, I know their moves and can be a little more lax. It's the resistance in your arms and having a good frame that helps the leader get the message across. So I just firmed up a little bit and suddenly the dance was so much better. At least I felt it was. I stopped counting my steps for one, because I just kept thinking - firm, but not inflexible. I asked him afterward if that was better. He said it was and that I just needed some polishing.
It's similar to what my instructor told me earlier this week. I approached him about private lessons. Because if I get over the fear of doing what is expected of me and what a "safe" career choice is, and what my family will think, then I am going to pursue a spot at the Ballroom Dance Teachers College in January. Unless I can find a place that has openings after August (when I'm quitting my job) that will train me. I'd just like to have some more experience and a better foundation before then. This instructor is amazing, he has been dancing since he was young and teaching for more than 20 and think closer to 30 years. He is going to take me on - it's expensive, but I was going to take a grad class that would help me in my current job. But I hate my current job. I don't want to be at it anymore. So why spend the money on that?
He said that I have good movement and rhythm that I just need learn "grounding" once I get that I'll be "a good little dancer." I'm not sure what that last part is supposed to mean. Granted I'm short and petite, and he is quite a bit older than him. He probably thinks I'm 18. Still, it was a compliment. I know that much. Somehow things like that mean so much more coming from someone you admire.
I feel like a rough jewel all of a sudden - grounding and polishing - and I'll shine. (Ewww...that' was so kitch, pretend I didn't write it.)
Friday, June 08, 2007
Last Night
I was nice to BMG.
It was not the conversation I imagined where I was really nice, but at least I wasn't mean or spiteful or anything.
She lost and earring. She was soliciting people for help. I happened to see it. I picked it up and found her at the bar where she was asking them to keep an eye out for it when they closed. She hugged me.
I noticed later she had different earrings on. Who brings an extra set of earrings with them? Extra dance shoes? Yes. If you sweat an extra shirt is good, but earrings?
Anyway...I guess I'm on the road to not giving a shit about her or what she does or anything.
It was not the conversation I imagined where I was really nice, but at least I wasn't mean or spiteful or anything.
She lost and earring. She was soliciting people for help. I happened to see it. I picked it up and found her at the bar where she was asking them to keep an eye out for it when they closed. She hugged me.
I noticed later she had different earrings on. Who brings an extra set of earrings with them? Extra dance shoes? Yes. If you sweat an extra shirt is good, but earrings?
Anyway...I guess I'm on the road to not giving a shit about her or what she does or anything.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Lets be honest for a minute
Revenge? Please.
Drive him crazy? As if he gives a shit.
Last night was the first step in me slowly being driven insane because now I want to be around him again.
Blech.
Drive him crazy? As if he gives a shit.
Last night was the first step in me slowly being driven insane because now I want to be around him again.
Blech.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Trust your instincts
8 hours later and I am so glad that I ran when I did.
My instincts were correct about seeing J for the first time since my email confession. It had to be dancing and the best time was now after my return from hiatus.
I had to work off my minor panic attack so I met some dancing acquaintances at a club I don't usually go to. I went once a year ago (almost exactly-quite possibly exactly) when L took me (well, he accompanied me there, he didn't pay or anything). A part of me had this feeling that J was going to be there. I don't know how or why. In the past he wasn't really a regular anywhere until he got a job at the place on Fridays, but that's work. I hadn't seen him at the social on sunday and I haven't seen him at the place on Thursdays either. So I just reasoned that he must go Wednesdays. Not that that guaranteed anything. And if I had true knowledge that he was going I probably wouldn't have.
I was really careful about how I dressed - low rise jeans w/ black belt and black halter top, top drop navel ring so yeah, I showed a little midrift at least it's not always, silver hoop earings and minimal make-up (always when dancing or else it'd be sweated off). L was standing at the bar when I walked in. I said hi to him. The first thing to come out of his mouth was "You look hot." He's always saying that. I realize if he can still be nice to me after I did to him what J did to me, then I too can suck it up and be nice to J.
I got there just as the lesson was finished, talked to a couple of people and out of the corner of my eye I see him walk in and pay the lady at the front. I am sure he saw me too, but it was such a split second glance that I easily made it look like I hadn't noticed him. And since you have to walk a good 6 or 7 feet from the bouncer to the hostess, I know he saw me long before I saw him.
For the whole evening I would give myself an 8 out of 10 for my level of "I don't care" casualness. I think J probably observed a 9 or 9.5. It made like I didn't know he was there for a good while. Until I went to the bar to get a drink and as I waited to be noticed by a bar tender a hand came to my waist. I honestly hadn't seen him come up, or if he had already been there. We gave perfunctory leaning side hug he said it had been a while and how was I. I said good and that was it. I moved to get a better spot at the bar and started talking to some old guy who reminded me of Ian McKellan, but not British. Later I was dancing with a guy who steered me right over to spot next to J. We then proceeded to have a great couple of dances - very good, very sexy, some dips, a few body rolls. I know J noticed. Ha! The only problem with this particular club is that it is small and popular. That makes the dance floor crowded and everyone is dancing. There is no real way to watch anyone as you're jam packed next to other couples. So I don't think that J got to see the real improvement I've made. I am sure it was a little evident, but not as good as if he'd come to one of the other places. I still give myself an 8 instead of a 9.6 or 10 because I did a little too much watching of him dance at one point it was a Reggaton song (booty shaking music) and the floor thinned out a bit and I watched him dance with an older lady. Then it was somebody's birthday dance and he ended up standing next to me in the circle watching. He gave me a side hug again asked me how I was, how was work. If I had just said, "oh, you know, it's work" and been done with it I could have given myself a 9.5 on my scale and congratulated myself, but I took to long to respond and the truth of "nyeh, not so good" and shrugged. I thought about asking him, but thought, I don't really want to. So I turned to the friend I had danced with last, and the one who invited me, and asked him something about the partner that the birthday girl was with. Then J touched me on the back and said bye before leaving.
End of encounter.
I did so fucking well. Like, amazingly amazingly well. No I didn't dance with him. I had thought that he was going to ask me at a couple of different times, but got blocked unintentionally by others. once I went to sid down with a group of guys I know, I think J was starting to come over when I got up and wedged myself between two of them. Mwahahahahaha. That was a good "look, I don't need or want you anymore, I've got plenty of guys that want my company instead" moment.
It was so much easier to be casual when I had something like dancing to focus on. I was nice. I neither ignored him nor was I attention seeking. It was good.
The sexy dancing with the one partner while J was near by was the hardest part I think. I can't help but still be attracted to him. It's just a strange chemical reaction that I can not explain. He's around me, I get aroused that's just how it goes. The guy I danced with, I have danced with before. He said that was the best one. Yeah no wonder. I was emboldened by the fact that J was near by. When the guy first lead me to a spot on the floor J was standing near by. So rather than stare at J, I looked at the guy I was dancing with. Well, duh. Not actually. I've never been good at looking my partner in the face while dancing. I look at our feet, or pick a spot on their chest, but I can't look him in the eye. I did with this guy. I needed something to focus on so my eyes didn't drift over to J. Well, the guy took it as a good sign and started going all sexy slow dips, body rolls and some other moves I know, but don't know the names of. It was a good dance and even though after I started dancing with the other guy J asked the older lady onto the floor I know that he saw it. It was almost like a dance off. We were both trying to show each other we didn't care what the other was doing. Ii may have been hard, but it was the highlight of my evening.
The other cool thing is that now that I've gotten the initial and meeting over with, I can go to the classes I want to when I want to and I won't feel obliged to avoid J. It just won't matter anymore.
I hope it won't matter anymore. I hope that if not that, then at least I took the first step to it not mattering anymore.
Oh who am I kidding? I am took the first step of driving him crazy with wanting me, by barely giving him the time of day. Ahh, revenge is so sweet.
Tonight I was the Bare Midrift Girl:
My instincts were correct about seeing J for the first time since my email confession. It had to be dancing and the best time was now after my return from hiatus.
I had to work off my minor panic attack so I met some dancing acquaintances at a club I don't usually go to. I went once a year ago (almost exactly-quite possibly exactly) when L took me (well, he accompanied me there, he didn't pay or anything). A part of me had this feeling that J was going to be there. I don't know how or why. In the past he wasn't really a regular anywhere until he got a job at the place on Fridays, but that's work. I hadn't seen him at the social on sunday and I haven't seen him at the place on Thursdays either. So I just reasoned that he must go Wednesdays. Not that that guaranteed anything. And if I had true knowledge that he was going I probably wouldn't have.
I was really careful about how I dressed - low rise jeans w/ black belt and black halter top, top drop navel ring so yeah, I showed a little midrift at least it's not always, silver hoop earings and minimal make-up (always when dancing or else it'd be sweated off). L was standing at the bar when I walked in. I said hi to him. The first thing to come out of his mouth was "You look hot." He's always saying that. I realize if he can still be nice to me after I did to him what J did to me, then I too can suck it up and be nice to J.
I got there just as the lesson was finished, talked to a couple of people and out of the corner of my eye I see him walk in and pay the lady at the front. I am sure he saw me too, but it was such a split second glance that I easily made it look like I hadn't noticed him. And since you have to walk a good 6 or 7 feet from the bouncer to the hostess, I know he saw me long before I saw him.
For the whole evening I would give myself an 8 out of 10 for my level of "I don't care" casualness. I think J probably observed a 9 or 9.5. It made like I didn't know he was there for a good while. Until I went to the bar to get a drink and as I waited to be noticed by a bar tender a hand came to my waist. I honestly hadn't seen him come up, or if he had already been there. We gave perfunctory leaning side hug he said it had been a while and how was I. I said good and that was it. I moved to get a better spot at the bar and started talking to some old guy who reminded me of Ian McKellan, but not British. Later I was dancing with a guy who steered me right over to spot next to J. We then proceeded to have a great couple of dances - very good, very sexy, some dips, a few body rolls. I know J noticed. Ha! The only problem with this particular club is that it is small and popular. That makes the dance floor crowded and everyone is dancing. There is no real way to watch anyone as you're jam packed next to other couples. So I don't think that J got to see the real improvement I've made. I am sure it was a little evident, but not as good as if he'd come to one of the other places. I still give myself an 8 instead of a 9.6 or 10 because I did a little too much watching of him dance at one point it was a Reggaton song (booty shaking music) and the floor thinned out a bit and I watched him dance with an older lady. Then it was somebody's birthday dance and he ended up standing next to me in the circle watching. He gave me a side hug again asked me how I was, how was work. If I had just said, "oh, you know, it's work" and been done with it I could have given myself a 9.5 on my scale and congratulated myself, but I took to long to respond and the truth of "nyeh, not so good" and shrugged. I thought about asking him, but thought, I don't really want to. So I turned to the friend I had danced with last, and the one who invited me, and asked him something about the partner that the birthday girl was with. Then J touched me on the back and said bye before leaving.
End of encounter.
I did so fucking well. Like, amazingly amazingly well. No I didn't dance with him. I had thought that he was going to ask me at a couple of different times, but got blocked unintentionally by others. once I went to sid down with a group of guys I know, I think J was starting to come over when I got up and wedged myself between two of them. Mwahahahahaha. That was a good "look, I don't need or want you anymore, I've got plenty of guys that want my company instead" moment.
It was so much easier to be casual when I had something like dancing to focus on. I was nice. I neither ignored him nor was I attention seeking. It was good.
The sexy dancing with the one partner while J was near by was the hardest part I think. I can't help but still be attracted to him. It's just a strange chemical reaction that I can not explain. He's around me, I get aroused that's just how it goes. The guy I danced with, I have danced with before. He said that was the best one. Yeah no wonder. I was emboldened by the fact that J was near by. When the guy first lead me to a spot on the floor J was standing near by. So rather than stare at J, I looked at the guy I was dancing with. Well, duh. Not actually. I've never been good at looking my partner in the face while dancing. I look at our feet, or pick a spot on their chest, but I can't look him in the eye. I did with this guy. I needed something to focus on so my eyes didn't drift over to J. Well, the guy took it as a good sign and started going all sexy slow dips, body rolls and some other moves I know, but don't know the names of. It was a good dance and even though after I started dancing with the other guy J asked the older lady onto the floor I know that he saw it. It was almost like a dance off. We were both trying to show each other we didn't care what the other was doing. Ii may have been hard, but it was the highlight of my evening.
The other cool thing is that now that I've gotten the initial and meeting over with, I can go to the classes I want to when I want to and I won't feel obliged to avoid J. It just won't matter anymore.
I hope it won't matter anymore. I hope that if not that, then at least I took the first step to it not mattering anymore.
Oh who am I kidding? I am took the first step of driving him crazy with wanting me, by barely giving him the time of day. Ahh, revenge is so sweet.
Tonight I was the Bare Midrift Girl:
Scaredy Cat
I chickened out.
For all of my bravado and fantasies of acting normal. I chose my cutest work out outfit of black short shorts and loosish school logo t-shirt that matches the thin stripe of color in my sneakers. God, I even practiced a cheerful "Hi! How are you?" in the mirror so that it didn't look sad or forced. But I couldn't do it and I practically ran out of the gym ten minutes before 7 praying that I wouldn't run into him.
On my way home today I kept telling myself that all the guys in my life that have come back to me wanting to get back together are the ones I managed to stay "friends" with. I thought if I can just be friendly, normal and friendly that maybe in a month or two he'd tell me what I want to hear.
Maybe it's a good thing I ran away.
But I wanted to see him. I want to be normal with him. I want him to not ignore me anymore. I can't have that if I don't stick around to see him. I'm cursing myself for being a huge fucking coward.
For all of my bravado and fantasies of acting normal. I chose my cutest work out outfit of black short shorts and loosish school logo t-shirt that matches the thin stripe of color in my sneakers. God, I even practiced a cheerful "Hi! How are you?" in the mirror so that it didn't look sad or forced. But I couldn't do it and I practically ran out of the gym ten minutes before 7 praying that I wouldn't run into him.
On my way home today I kept telling myself that all the guys in my life that have come back to me wanting to get back together are the ones I managed to stay "friends" with. I thought if I can just be friendly, normal and friendly that maybe in a month or two he'd tell me what I want to hear.
Maybe it's a good thing I ran away.
But I wanted to see him. I want to be normal with him. I want him to not ignore me anymore. I can't have that if I don't stick around to see him. I'm cursing myself for being a huge fucking coward.
Easy come easy go
As soon as I made other plans I felt better. It was like a weight had been sitting on my chest that just disapeared the moment I committed myself to not be at the gym to run into J.
The downside - I made plans with the X for dinner. We went to a diner just down the block from my apartment. Which meant he wanted to come back to my place afterward. Guess who's car was parked outside of my apartment building? J's. It seriously pissed me off. If he's not going to park in the parking lot why not take a meter that is closer to the gym? Why pick the one that I can practically see from my bedroom window? Just park in the goddam lot.
The X ended up leaving pretty early which was good - I wasn't into being with him. It was another grin and bear it times. I couldn't help thinking about the times I was with J in that bed. After the X left I quickly showered and went dancing.
CF has been trying to get me to go to a social dance on tuesdays for a while now. They play all the social dances there though and I don't know most of them. But I was talking to my instructor on monday night and decided to give it a try. I looked damn good and what with J's car being out front I was hoping that he would at least see me, but his car was still there and I don't think he was in it.
I ended up having a great time at the dance. I learned some new dances - the guys were completely willing to teach me the basics of some of the other dances. I totally forgot to even think about J until I got home and I took his spot out front. I was feeling awesome - total endorphin high. I had this stupid fantasy of being in class tomorrow and seeing J afterward and everything going uber-well. He'd ask me to stay for his class, I'd ask about the club - if the DJ got better or if they got a new one yet. I even had this crazy idea that I could even go back there now. I was planning on going out tonight to meet up with some people and I figured if I could get them to come out on Friday that it'd be a nice little buffer. Friday's are the one night I don't really get to dance.
Then I couldn't sleep and now I'm tired and irritable. I kept thinking I should call in sick today. I wish I had. I'm gonna leave early though. I'm not skipping my fitness class today. I don't care if I do have to see J afterwards. I'm tired of giving a shit about somebody who doesn't care less about me. If we say hi fine, and if we ignore eachother that's okay too. I'm just done with this.
The downside - I made plans with the X for dinner. We went to a diner just down the block from my apartment. Which meant he wanted to come back to my place afterward. Guess who's car was parked outside of my apartment building? J's. It seriously pissed me off. If he's not going to park in the parking lot why not take a meter that is closer to the gym? Why pick the one that I can practically see from my bedroom window? Just park in the goddam lot.
The X ended up leaving pretty early which was good - I wasn't into being with him. It was another grin and bear it times. I couldn't help thinking about the times I was with J in that bed. After the X left I quickly showered and went dancing.
CF has been trying to get me to go to a social dance on tuesdays for a while now. They play all the social dances there though and I don't know most of them. But I was talking to my instructor on monday night and decided to give it a try. I looked damn good and what with J's car being out front I was hoping that he would at least see me, but his car was still there and I don't think he was in it.
I ended up having a great time at the dance. I learned some new dances - the guys were completely willing to teach me the basics of some of the other dances. I totally forgot to even think about J until I got home and I took his spot out front. I was feeling awesome - total endorphin high. I had this stupid fantasy of being in class tomorrow and seeing J afterward and everything going uber-well. He'd ask me to stay for his class, I'd ask about the club - if the DJ got better or if they got a new one yet. I even had this crazy idea that I could even go back there now. I was planning on going out tonight to meet up with some people and I figured if I could get them to come out on Friday that it'd be a nice little buffer. Friday's are the one night I don't really get to dance.
Then I couldn't sleep and now I'm tired and irritable. I kept thinking I should call in sick today. I wish I had. I'm gonna leave early though. I'm not skipping my fitness class today. I don't care if I do have to see J afterwards. I'm tired of giving a shit about somebody who doesn't care less about me. If we say hi fine, and if we ignore eachother that's okay too. I'm just done with this.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
You make me completely miserable
Why do I want somebody who makes me feel so crappy?
I flipped a coin. It was tails - don't go.
I hate the idea of not doing something I want to do in order to avoid him. But on the other hand am I going to get the most out of it if I'm preoccupied the whole time?
The only problem is a part of me is nagging me to go. Go - it says. You know you want to go. Part of me just wants to get it over with. Like a band-aid. I just wish there was a way of making myself look extra attractive after a work out.
I hate that the very idea of seeing him for a minute sends me into this tailspin of nerves and depression. It's all I can do to not cry at my desk right now. Which probably just proves I couldn't handle seeing him in person.
I flipped a coin. It was tails - don't go.
I hate the idea of not doing something I want to do in order to avoid him. But on the other hand am I going to get the most out of it if I'm preoccupied the whole time?
The only problem is a part of me is nagging me to go. Go - it says. You know you want to go. Part of me just wants to get it over with. Like a band-aid. I just wish there was a way of making myself look extra attractive after a work out.
I hate that the very idea of seeing him for a minute sends me into this tailspin of nerves and depression. It's all I can do to not cry at my desk right now. Which probably just proves I couldn't handle seeing him in person.
Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
I'm at a loss for what to do.
I am back to being a melencholy mess at the very thought of running into J at the gym. How stupid is this? I was all excited at the prospect of him being at the dance - because I thought I'd rock and get to metephorically thumb my nose at him. Walking out of the studio room and right into him does not really make me quiver with anticipation.
It makes me nauceas with nerves.
I'm thinking I can skip going to the classes right before his on Tuesday and Wednesday and just work out on my own - though I know it won't be as good. I can start the class and leave 15 or 20 minutes early, go to a different part of the gym to work out on my own waiting until his class is in full swing before leaving. Or I can skip going to the gym all together.
I remember when I timed my workouts so that I did get to see him. I thought I was getting better, what with feeling like I wanted him to be at the dances. And when I've been at the gym this past month, I didn't get worried about bumping into him. But now the prospect is real.
I don't think that J's been giving me a first thought, much less a second thought, this whole time. But now that I might run into him I realize that I am way overly focused on what he'll think of me. If I say hi will he think I've still got feelings for him? If I don't will he think I'm ignoring him because I'm angry and bitter? Will he try to act normal like we used to or will he ignore me?
A part of me wants to see him so I can tell if maybe absence does make the heart grow fungus and I've no longer got the hots for him. The other part of me is petrified that all the attraction I felt for him will come rushing back the moment I see him.
Deciding whether or not to work out should not be this overwhelming a decision. Why can't I just live my life and not care what J thinks, not think about him at all?
At the gym yesterday the one class I wanted to go to was canceled because the instructor didn't show up. A bunch of us were standing around waiting. One of the girls I recognized from J's class last summer. Summer Class Girl. I remember being really annoyed by SCG last summer because she interfeared with my flirting with J. And then there was the one time last fall when she ran across the street to talk to him while I was with him, saying she was on her way to find him, he got her phone number and said he'd call her after he dropped me off. Then when he was taking me to my car he said something about how so many people know him and he wish he didn't run into them all the time - but he still called her after he dropped me off.
SCG was bubbly and talkative while we were waiting. She started chatting to me and this other girl I know about how she's got this crush on a guy and how can she find out if he has a girlfriend. The other girl and I said at the exact same time - "ask him." SCG kept prattling on about how it worked with a different guy before and how she hoped that by being forward this guy thought she was cool, but even if not she could handle the rejection.I thought it was interesting, considering my own situation and I couldn't help but start thinking of J. A part of me wondered if either of these guys she was talking about is him. She said she's moving in August. I thought, well if guy number two is J, maybe she's got a shot. Two months seems about his attention span for spending actual time with a girl.
I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. I can't help but think when I finally do run into him that I will end up coming across as upset, angry, mean and bitter. I wish he didn't have such an effect on me. I wish that he could disapear from my mind as easily I did from his.
My fantasy of the weekend was that J would be there at the dance. That we'd get to talk. That he'd take me outside, put his arms around me, tell me that he misses me, wondering if he made a mistake, wondering what we can do about it. I imagine BMG watching us leave and wondering what's going on. And that's when I realize that I can't trust a word that comes out of his mounth. I am 100% positive that I was not the only girl he was having sex with for the year that I knew him. I think that when I didn't "get together" with him for weeks on end it was because he had someone else to "get together" with. I think it was painfully obvious by the tone of his email from two months ago. It was just more of his BS - too busy, considers me a friend, wants things to stay the same. What a load of crap that was.
I don't think I would believe him if he did say all the things I'd like to hear from him. So why am I so conserned about a brief exchange while I leave the gym?
I am back to being a melencholy mess at the very thought of running into J at the gym. How stupid is this? I was all excited at the prospect of him being at the dance - because I thought I'd rock and get to metephorically thumb my nose at him. Walking out of the studio room and right into him does not really make me quiver with anticipation.
It makes me nauceas with nerves.
I'm thinking I can skip going to the classes right before his on Tuesday and Wednesday and just work out on my own - though I know it won't be as good. I can start the class and leave 15 or 20 minutes early, go to a different part of the gym to work out on my own waiting until his class is in full swing before leaving. Or I can skip going to the gym all together.
I remember when I timed my workouts so that I did get to see him. I thought I was getting better, what with feeling like I wanted him to be at the dances. And when I've been at the gym this past month, I didn't get worried about bumping into him. But now the prospect is real.
I don't think that J's been giving me a first thought, much less a second thought, this whole time. But now that I might run into him I realize that I am way overly focused on what he'll think of me. If I say hi will he think I've still got feelings for him? If I don't will he think I'm ignoring him because I'm angry and bitter? Will he try to act normal like we used to or will he ignore me?
A part of me wants to see him so I can tell if maybe absence does make the heart grow fungus and I've no longer got the hots for him. The other part of me is petrified that all the attraction I felt for him will come rushing back the moment I see him.
Deciding whether or not to work out should not be this overwhelming a decision. Why can't I just live my life and not care what J thinks, not think about him at all?
At the gym yesterday the one class I wanted to go to was canceled because the instructor didn't show up. A bunch of us were standing around waiting. One of the girls I recognized from J's class last summer. Summer Class Girl. I remember being really annoyed by SCG last summer because she interfeared with my flirting with J. And then there was the one time last fall when she ran across the street to talk to him while I was with him, saying she was on her way to find him, he got her phone number and said he'd call her after he dropped me off. Then when he was taking me to my car he said something about how so many people know him and he wish he didn't run into them all the time - but he still called her after he dropped me off.
SCG was bubbly and talkative while we were waiting. She started chatting to me and this other girl I know about how she's got this crush on a guy and how can she find out if he has a girlfriend. The other girl and I said at the exact same time - "ask him." SCG kept prattling on about how it worked with a different guy before and how she hoped that by being forward this guy thought she was cool, but even if not she could handle the rejection.I thought it was interesting, considering my own situation and I couldn't help but start thinking of J. A part of me wondered if either of these guys she was talking about is him. She said she's moving in August. I thought, well if guy number two is J, maybe she's got a shot. Two months seems about his attention span for spending actual time with a girl.
I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. I can't help but think when I finally do run into him that I will end up coming across as upset, angry, mean and bitter. I wish he didn't have such an effect on me. I wish that he could disapear from my mind as easily I did from his.
My fantasy of the weekend was that J would be there at the dance. That we'd get to talk. That he'd take me outside, put his arms around me, tell me that he misses me, wondering if he made a mistake, wondering what we can do about it. I imagine BMG watching us leave and wondering what's going on. And that's when I realize that I can't trust a word that comes out of his mounth. I am 100% positive that I was not the only girl he was having sex with for the year that I knew him. I think that when I didn't "get together" with him for weeks on end it was because he had someone else to "get together" with. I think it was painfully obvious by the tone of his email from two months ago. It was just more of his BS - too busy, considers me a friend, wants things to stay the same. What a load of crap that was.
I don't think I would believe him if he did say all the things I'd like to hear from him. So why am I so conserned about a brief exchange while I leave the gym?
Monday, June 04, 2007
The Inner Sanctum
Saturday were the workshop classses. I was nervous for the first 15 minutes checking the door to see who was coming in. Neither J nor BMG showed. I think that was a good thing. I had a great time, learned loads and I didn't need to be self-consious at all.
That night I took it easy. I did go out, but watched more than I danced just to save my feet for Sunday. I ended up talking to this one guy alot of the time. I like dancing with him because he keeps it pretty simple - cool, but simple - and is always very complimentary. When he throws something new at me and I do it well, or if I throw in some styling he always says "Look out, Free Me, is all business tonight."
This Sunday was a year that I've been going out to dance outside of classes. The difference is noticable. Not only am I a better dancer, but my very first time out I only stayed a couple of hours and sat out as much if not more than I danced.
Now I think I sat down once and that was just to change my shoes.
BMG did show up for the Sunday dance. I did alot better about not thinking about her much. I made one snarky mental comment about her atrocious outfit and left it at that. I noticed later that J's other dance partner (his first one, the one I like alot better) had also come. They were buddy buddy and I tried to decide whether I should go talk to her. We had only ever talked at the club and I don't even think she remembers my name. But I decide to be nice and I said hi. I think she's a good dancer (she should be it's her major) but I don't really think she's great at the partner dancing. We talked about the workshops some and I said how great they were. She mentioned she noticed alot of the girls at this dance doing alot of styling. I have noticed this in her dances with J at the club - she's got the big tricks down - the splits, the shines, the flips and lifts - but the little touches she doesn't do. BMG does have that on her I have to admit. BMG can do both. So Dance Partner 1 (D1) and I chatted for a bit then I said bye to some others. BMG was near by, but since I've never been formally introduced to her or anything and she was talking to her mom I didn't say anything to her. Yeah, her mom. It's kind of cute actually - that is one of the ladies I've seen her with on Thursday nights.
On Saturday during the breaks one of the organizers - a great dancer who only ever asked me to dance two weeks ago - started talking to me. I know that he dances with and hangs out with BMG often so I never really thought he'd ever talk to me. At the end of the day we were chatting again and he invited me to a bbq. It was for guest instructors that rant he workshops. I didn't end up going but he even took me out to my car w/ his umbrella since I didn't have one. He talked to me on Sunday again and asked me to dance. I think he videoed me dancing with someone and definetly caught me downing a popsicle later in the evening. It's like I've finally been invited into the cool crowd or the inner sanctum that I've never been allowed to see before.
I'm actually a little disapoited that J didn't show up. One, I'd like him to see how much better I've gotten. And two, I dread the idea of running into him at the gym. Classes start again today and there are two I'd like to take, but they are in the same room right before his classes. Which means I would see him as I leave and he's setting up. At least at the dance I could have been doing something else, but to just walk by or walk out after a perfunctory hello is not how I wanted to interact with him for the first time after two months of silence. I feel like I'm back to avoiding him like I was for a couple of weeks in April, but not because I don't want to see him, but because I don't want to see him like that. On the other hand I don't want to actively seek him out either. I'm not heading back to his club just to show him my new moves. I don't want to give him any kind of idea that I care anymore, even if I do.
That night I took it easy. I did go out, but watched more than I danced just to save my feet for Sunday. I ended up talking to this one guy alot of the time. I like dancing with him because he keeps it pretty simple - cool, but simple - and is always very complimentary. When he throws something new at me and I do it well, or if I throw in some styling he always says "Look out, Free Me, is all business tonight."
This Sunday was a year that I've been going out to dance outside of classes. The difference is noticable. Not only am I a better dancer, but my very first time out I only stayed a couple of hours and sat out as much if not more than I danced.
Now I think I sat down once and that was just to change my shoes.
BMG did show up for the Sunday dance. I did alot better about not thinking about her much. I made one snarky mental comment about her atrocious outfit and left it at that. I noticed later that J's other dance partner (his first one, the one I like alot better) had also come. They were buddy buddy and I tried to decide whether I should go talk to her. We had only ever talked at the club and I don't even think she remembers my name. But I decide to be nice and I said hi. I think she's a good dancer (she should be it's her major) but I don't really think she's great at the partner dancing. We talked about the workshops some and I said how great they were. She mentioned she noticed alot of the girls at this dance doing alot of styling. I have noticed this in her dances with J at the club - she's got the big tricks down - the splits, the shines, the flips and lifts - but the little touches she doesn't do. BMG does have that on her I have to admit. BMG can do both. So Dance Partner 1 (D1) and I chatted for a bit then I said bye to some others. BMG was near by, but since I've never been formally introduced to her or anything and she was talking to her mom I didn't say anything to her. Yeah, her mom. It's kind of cute actually - that is one of the ladies I've seen her with on Thursday nights.
On Saturday during the breaks one of the organizers - a great dancer who only ever asked me to dance two weeks ago - started talking to me. I know that he dances with and hangs out with BMG often so I never really thought he'd ever talk to me. At the end of the day we were chatting again and he invited me to a bbq. It was for guest instructors that rant he workshops. I didn't end up going but he even took me out to my car w/ his umbrella since I didn't have one. He talked to me on Sunday again and asked me to dance. I think he videoed me dancing with someone and definetly caught me downing a popsicle later in the evening. It's like I've finally been invited into the cool crowd or the inner sanctum that I've never been allowed to see before.
I'm actually a little disapoited that J didn't show up. One, I'd like him to see how much better I've gotten. And two, I dread the idea of running into him at the gym. Classes start again today and there are two I'd like to take, but they are in the same room right before his classes. Which means I would see him as I leave and he's setting up. At least at the dance I could have been doing something else, but to just walk by or walk out after a perfunctory hello is not how I wanted to interact with him for the first time after two months of silence. I feel like I'm back to avoiding him like I was for a couple of weeks in April, but not because I don't want to see him, but because I don't want to see him like that. On the other hand I don't want to actively seek him out either. I'm not heading back to his club just to show him my new moves. I don't want to give him any kind of idea that I care anymore, even if I do.
Friday, June 01, 2007
I know it's me
I am getting really nervous about tomorrow.
It's another day of dance workshops and I keep wondering if J is going to be there. I'm trying to figure out if I want him to be there or not.
I'm afraid that I want him to be there because I'm hoping that Hell will freeze over and he'll tell me that he made a mistake, that he misses me, that we'll be talking outside and he'll kiss me. I wonder if I just want the opportunity to blow him off - make him think it's no big deal and I don't care about him or us anymore.
I know I should be wanting the opportunity to see that I am okay and not for those other reasons, but I know myself too well.
Another part of me hopes he won't be there. I know that my nerves right now will pale in comparison to what they will be tomorrow morning, which will be nothing compared to what I will feel if he's actually there. I was always nervous around him anyway. Add this and I'll be lucky to put one foot in front of the other, much less actually dance.
Last night I did my damnest to ignore BMG although, the guy she hangs with (R) had even more ladies sitting with him tonight. I swear his harem gets bigger each week. If I caught myself watching her dance I'd make a point to turn and watch somebody else. I was sitting at the end of the night talking with a guy I dance with alot and who I really like to dance with. R and his group o' ladies were at a table 6 or 10 feet in front of us and I swear that BMG was talking about him or me because they looked over at us more than once. It was very unnerving and I don't like it.
I'm wondering more and more if she remembers me from March as a friend of J's and if she knows that I dislike her and why.
I am petrified that she and J will be there together again. Although I find it hard to equate the BMG from March w/ J and the BMG I see at the clubs on Thursday nights with R. It's like a weird voyeristic mystery that I am both appalled at, strangely drawn to, and completely ashamed to admit that I am enthralled by.
This is the one picture from two weeks ago that made it online. I only know it's me because of the top I am wearing.
It's another day of dance workshops and I keep wondering if J is going to be there. I'm trying to figure out if I want him to be there or not.
I'm afraid that I want him to be there because I'm hoping that Hell will freeze over and he'll tell me that he made a mistake, that he misses me, that we'll be talking outside and he'll kiss me. I wonder if I just want the opportunity to blow him off - make him think it's no big deal and I don't care about him or us anymore.
I know I should be wanting the opportunity to see that I am okay and not for those other reasons, but I know myself too well.
Another part of me hopes he won't be there. I know that my nerves right now will pale in comparison to what they will be tomorrow morning, which will be nothing compared to what I will feel if he's actually there. I was always nervous around him anyway. Add this and I'll be lucky to put one foot in front of the other, much less actually dance.
Last night I did my damnest to ignore BMG although, the guy she hangs with (R) had even more ladies sitting with him tonight. I swear his harem gets bigger each week. If I caught myself watching her dance I'd make a point to turn and watch somebody else. I was sitting at the end of the night talking with a guy I dance with alot and who I really like to dance with. R and his group o' ladies were at a table 6 or 10 feet in front of us and I swear that BMG was talking about him or me because they looked over at us more than once. It was very unnerving and I don't like it.
I'm wondering more and more if she remembers me from March as a friend of J's and if she knows that I dislike her and why.
I am petrified that she and J will be there together again. Although I find it hard to equate the BMG from March w/ J and the BMG I see at the clubs on Thursday nights with R. It's like a weird voyeristic mystery that I am both appalled at, strangely drawn to, and completely ashamed to admit that I am enthralled by.
This is the one picture from two weeks ago that made it online. I only know it's me because of the top I am wearing.
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