Never as Bad as it Seems or as Good as I Expect

My birthday was fine. Friends of mine came out with me to dinner at a brewery and we had a few drinks, ate a bit of food, had some more drinks and called it a night.

Not the flashiest of celebrations not a big blow-out, and not dinner and dancing, but nice to hang out with friends.

Apparently my absences at the other place wasn't a big deal because I didn't hear from J at all. I suppose that's a good thing. I don't need a relapse (even if I did shave my legs). The X came out as well, he was being fairly flirty-flirty with me. He asked me what I did for my birthday last year (pretty much the same thing) and it wasn't until a couple minutes later that I realized I ended up going over to his place after my birthday party last year. That was what started a short lived X-sex fling, I ended it, started up with J, and then the X said he wanted to get back together.

I am sure that I could have gotten a little from the X last night as well, but I restrained myself. Not because I don't to get a little, because I do. I wouldn't have shaved my legs when I wore pants if I didn't think there was some kind of possibility. I just thought better of it later.

It occurs to me that the reason I'm upset about J is not because I thought we'd make a good go of dating or a relationship, although that would have been nice. It's that I was so very passionate about him. Passionate for him. It is hard to be passionate about someone, even physically, and still know that they're only luke-warm about you at best. There were a few times when he had me fooled. That doesn't help me feel better about myself at all, that I am a fool for falling for it. It just sucks to know that me not being there means as nothing to him as me being there does.