Hell Hath No Fury

I'm obsessed with hating BMG.

I made the mistake of checking out the pictures on-line of the last couple of dances, February and March's. They've got some new ones up and there she is smiling at the camera with a couple of other girls, one of whom I recognize from a different social. That in itself makes me nervous. I don't want BMG showing up to one of the J-free dances I go to.

I just don't get it. Sure she's pretty, but she's also built like a 14-year-old boy.

I feel terrible for wanting it, but I hope J hurts her too. Especially if he's really stupid enough to be fucking her and using her as a dance partner where he works. I know that she hasn't done anything to me. She can't help it if J doesn't want me. Having her gone won't change anything either. It's just that if he does the same to her then it's not me, that there wasn't a sign over my head that said "use me and throw me away."

Sometimes I want to hate J. I know he said that he should have been honest from the beginning, but the truth is I knew what I was doing. I knew what I really wanted and I didn't do anything about it. I settled for what little I could get because I'd never been so attracted to somebody before and it's my own damn fault I let my feelings get as deep as they have. If I had said something during the summer. If I had let it end in the fall.

If I hadn't fucking moved to be more accommodating - because it certainly didn't cut down on my commute. Sure I'm nearer some friends, that's a plus right now. But just being around here depresses me.

I'm actually angry with myself. At least I'm not being crazy stalker girl. I might hate myself, but at least I've got that much dignity.

I am getting a little nervous about Friday. I can't decide whether I want J to notice that I canceled my plans there or not. I keep having stupid fantasies of him calling me that night wondering where I am asking if he can join the party. But in my honest moments I know that he's not going to. He's not wondering where I am. He's not that interested. I am sure he's got plenty of other girls to keep him company.

I had similar fantasies after the Jackass dropped the girlfriend-bomb on me (as in told me he had a girlfriend and it wasn't me - hense the moniker, Jackass). They mostly involved moving to Seattle and years after walking into a coffee shop or something else totally "hipster" recognizing a painting of his and asking the person behind the desk about it. We'd eventually run into each other in said hip-coffee house reconnecting and falling madly in love.

The fantasies about J and I reconnecting tend to run toward the reconnecting and actually dating instead of falling into bed together variety where he's actually sweet and totally and completely into me.

If I could only stop fantasizing about J maybe I could actually get on to the dating of the sweet guy who's totally into me.