Where do we go from here

I feel like a jenga game. My foundation is being taken away from me piece by piece and it's a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

I tried to talk to MM last night but he was drunk and I don't think he remembers it now.

I'm trying to put these two separate MMs that I know together in my head.

On the one hand there is the guy I've known for two years who: gave me a toothbrush to keep in his bathroom drawer the first night I slept over which was the first night we had sex; always wanted me to spend the night; has told me the story of being angry with an x girlfriend for continuing to sleep with him and moving on to someone else after they broke up; told me he missed me during a business trip after a month of dating; got jealous when another guy put his arm around me at my birthday party a year ago; has friends who told me that MM loved me before MM did.

Then there's the guy who: didn't want to be called my boyfriend for the first 6 months of dating; talked about his evil X constantly for the first 10 months; told me he was going to New York for New Years, but actually went to Europe; has pictures of this trip with a girl on his computer; has other pictures of them in his current apartment kissing (he has never taken a picture like that with me.); tells me know that when we met he was not ready for a relationship.

In our conversation that he doesn't remember he told me that this isn't a road I want to go down - which tells me that I was right and he was seeing/sleeping with someone else (maybe someone elses) after we started dating. If he didn't do anything, then why would I care? I could handle dating... took someone out to dinner? drinks? a show? Fine, he does that with friends now. But if he fucked somebody while he was seeing me too... that I don't know if I can handle.

He told me that I can pick whatever date has meaning for me and he'll celebrate it as our anniversary. How can I do that? I don't really know when we started being exclusive. I know when I THOUGHT we did, but if he's remembering that time and it includes some other girl(s) then I certainly don't want to celebrate it.

I have been so psyched about having a 2 year anniversary with him. I've never made 2 years with out a break before. But if our relationship is really 2 years old then if was with someone else in that time, he cheated on me.

How could I have been so stupid?

I've done something really stupid...

I'm afraid to call or text a girlfriend because I don't want them to act weird about it later.

I'm at MMs - he planned a night out with friends, and I'm sick so we were hanging out together until he went to that. I thought I was going to go home, but he seemed to think I was staying the night so I did. After he left I got on the computer to do homework.

I know I shouldn't have. And I tell him all the time that I don't... .but I snooped.

It started because he didn't originally invite me out tonight. He said he wanted to catch up with people he hasn't seen in awhile. But I knew from Facebook (again where I didn't get an invite) that he had invited the girl I dislike who used to live across from him. Who I completely admit to being jealous of. I know she wants him and she's cute enough with enormous boobs which to me equals jealousy. I found a picture of her in his computer trash (yeah, already with the snooping) so I went to his pictures folder wondering if there were more.

Instead I found pictures from New Years 2009 when we'd been dating about 2 1/2 months - when he told he me he blew off plans with friend in New York to go to Europe and visit different friends. The time everyone told me to break up with him because he didn't tell me he was in Europe until he got home on January 4th. I found all of the pictures not just the 3 on facebook - all the ones with him and a girl. And they're not just friends - because they were kissing in some - and then I found others of them in the apartment together also kissing.

On the couch I'm sitting on right now. At the table I've eaten at before.

And I don't know what to do. Because I was with him. I was dating him and sleeping with him.

We celebrate 2 years in 2 weeks. We booked a trip going to Asia together in month! (Yeah, that was supposed to be a happy excited blog post once the visas go through). We have plans to go to Europe in the spring.

I tell him that I don't snoop. And for 2 years I didn't. I know that this is what happens. I'm upset and if I bring it up I'm a snoop. And if I don't I just fester. Even though it's over and he loves me.
But here I am crying and he'll be home soon and I don't know what to do.

The ones we love

I've been sitting on this post for awhile now because it's really hard for me to write. I don't know why. It isn't anything new or surprising, it's just that it has finally started to bother me on a fundamental level.

I went on a family vacation in July. Just my immediate family consisting of dad, mom, her new husband, my brothers, sisters -in-law, niece and nephew. MM did not come with me because of work and school obligations - there was just no getting around it.

I drove with one of my brothers and his wife. Everything was great on the drive there. He teased me a little bit when, at a restaurant we stopped at for lunch, I tried to get them to sub a pancake for the sausage links in a breakfast combo. They wouldn't. But whatever. All in all the drive was pleasant. The drive home was good too (except for losing my phone) they played what I wanted from their iPod for most of the trip and treated to coffee and donuts when we got stuck at a restaurant during a torrential down pour (1/2 the parking lot flooded!).

It was how he treated me during the actual vacation that I have a problem with. It started with the breakfast issue - telling my family that I had given her such a hard time that I made the waitress cry with my unreasonable demand for a pancake instead of sausage. Went to a joke about my inability to dress myself because I missed a button on my cardigan, and it got to the point where he even ragged my boyfriend's way of using a knife and fork (MM spent a good deal of time in Europe).

I realize this about my brother - he's great to me, until there is an audience. Then his need to be king of the mountain superior comes out and he turns on the weakest link he can find. It's usually me, but I've seen him do it to his wife too. It's not malicious. He thinks it's funny and just "good fun" teasing. Or sometimes it's about him being right about everything and everyone else just isn't as smart, enlightened, or knowledgeable as him. Although, the comment about MM came at a time when my brother was incredibly cranky, it was entirely uncalled for. My response, because at this point in the vacation I had completely had it, was "if you don't like it, don't look at him while he eats. Or better yet, don't hang out with us anymore."

The weird thing is - and maybe in the above case it was a blood sugar thing and dinner calmed him down - that when I pretend like I don't care about what he's saying or that he's not hurting my feelings, he calms down about it or stops entirely.

When I was in high school and college he used to be really mean to my cat. The cat hated men in general and my dad and brothers in particular. It didn't help that this brother would egg her on. It used to really upset me and I would complain about it - try to appeal to any sense of his love/like for animals, the fact that his would-be-wife had a cat - but he still wouldn't stop. He just didn't. Then I wised up. Just like it's no fun to tickle somebody who doesn't laugh, it's not fun to tease someone when you don't get a rise out of them. So one day when he was bothering my cat, I just said, "well, she knows she doesn't like you, and if she won't leave the room, it's her own fault" and walked away. It felt horrible to do, because really it was my brother's fault for aggravating her, not the cat's fault for acting on territorial instinct. But, lo and behold, he stopped. He rarely, if ever, bothered her again.

I know that I should just remember this, but sometimes you expect the people who are supposed to love you to act like they love you.

It's been awhile

Wow, I had totally forgotten about that last post.

No, I haven't started eating meat again. I do every now and then start researching Certified Humane meat and CSAs etc... but I never get very far with it. I start feeling so horrible and get turned off again at the thought of eating it. So, I guess that's my answer - no conscientious omnivorism for me.

On the flip side I have been eating much healthier. For a while I was having terrible mood swings. I would feel so bad for MM, because little things would set me off and I'd be terribly sad about something he'd done or said, and other times I'd just be over the moon. We wouldn't fight our anything - but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was getting stuck in the "you can't do anything right" mentality. And I knew it wasn't reflecting reality. So... I took a look at what was going on in my life:

sitting on my ass all day in a job that I don't even really do (instead I'm facebooking, blogging etc).
eating junk on a regular basis (weekly binges of twizzlers, doritos or cheetos, ice cream or candy bars etc.)
procrastinating on things that I thought mattered to me (piano lessons, dancing, school, organizing my office and home)
watching way too much tv

This led me to two things - 1) a book by Hyrum W. Smith (yes, he's Mormon, but I can over look that - and overlooked alot of the "god" messages) about time management from a value standpoint - finding your values and living them. And 2) I got hooked on The Biggest Loser through Hulu.com.

I am still working on putting my values into practice for time management. I thought of that as I went to bed last night after sitting on my butt watching TV for a good bit of the night. I looked around my room and thought - "I wanted to clean this up and instead I sat on my ass all night."
But, it is getting better. I am getting more done in other ways because after watching so much Biggest Loser and reading the book I realized that myself and my help are very high on my value list and I need to start living that way.

Which led me to this book by Jillian Michaels. Okay, she's not an endocronolgist, but she's done her research and has the bibliography to prove it. After reading it I have given up high fructose corn syrup and all sodas including diet. I have given up all artificial sweeteners - which was harder to do actually, since I loved Splenda. I have started making all of my meals. I actually sit at home and eat breakfast instead of stopping at Dunkin' Donuts (a prior fave of mine). I bring food for a snack (no vending machine visits) and lunch (no Taco Bell or cafeteria food anymore) and make dinner at home. I have actually manged to exercise for the past few weeks too. And I'm starting on a running program to be half-marathon ready at the end of October.

I found that it is actually working!

MM and I had a great Memorial Day weekend (with the exception of a couple moments of moodiness). We spent it at his parents house, went to a wedding and to the Indy 500. The moody moments were - the day after the wedding when he was helping his dad on the farm and I was left to my own devices - and just be fore the Indy when I found out that I didn't need to hunt down and buy a sun hat before we left because we were sitting in the covered portion and now I had this thing to deal with (there was also the added factor of MM joking around that this was a car race not a derby and hats weren't required which royally pissed me off) . All in all though the weekend was fun and in the process I gained a bunch of weight. Its weird, I could binge at home and be fine with my weight because I wouldn't eat normal food too, but if I go out I eat normal and indulge which is disaster.

So as soon as I got home I started to clean up my diet. The moods have been much less severe - only once this whole week and that was directly related to me not eating every four hours. My libido has also made a change for the better which MM has totally noticed. Before it was an effort to get in the mood and if MM didn't approach it just right I would be totally uninterested. I'm also sleeping better most nights. This seems to have a correlation with exercise and when I eat my last meal.

There is still room for improvement. I have cheated a little bit here and there. I had a couple of cookies and donut holes which are given out free at my grocery store. And I haven't eliminated my fat - free coffee creamer which I am sure has weird stuff in it. BUT I have made strides and I'm hoping that this is one "diet" I can actually stick too.

A woman's prerogative

So, I'm thinking of eating meat again.

There's no other way to say than to say it. Although, it could be because it's after 1pm, I'm really hungry, and looking at a cooking blog, but those french dip sandwiches actually look good. So do the bacon cheddar muffins.

Is this terrible of me? I'd have to get off my animal loving high horse if I did.

I will say that it scares me. I have no idea how to watch my calorie intake while eating meat. But worse, it makes me feel sad for the animals. Like I'm saying that I don't care about them as much as I do. On the other hand someone made a comment to me that if I want food animals to be more humanely treated taking myself out of the equation all together is not the way to provoke change.

The List

Other than being his girlfriend, (yep, it's official somewhere around Labor Day it became inevitable) I want:

To cook more meals with him

To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV
It turns out that this is something we've started doing on regular basis :)

Spend to days or nights in a row together
Also happening on a regular basis now. MM seems to understand that I like hearing from him and will often call "just to check in." It's rare now not to hear from him for more than a day at a time. And if I don't it's usually school related.

Go to a wine tasting
Did that one too! He got us tickets for a paired meal where each course (except dessert) came with a different glass of wine. This ended up being on our Anniversary too.

Take a cooking class

Play a game of scrabble - we played one online game, but I am still determined to play a real game at some point.

Meet his family - The one one I haven't met is his brother who lives across the country. But X-mas is in a week and we are picking the brother up from the airport.

Have him meet mine - he hasn't met my mother, but she's planning a post-X-mas dinner in January partly for that purpose. But he's met my father, brother and sister-in-law that all live near by.

Go home with him for Fourth of July - Yep, he did indeed invite me and I did go, despite mucho drama associated.

Meet more of his friends - He had some college buds in town before Thanksgiving and then I went with him to celebrate with friends for Turkey Day.

Have him come to one of my shows - shows? what shows? SoG keeps saying the team will practice, but so far, it hasn't happened.

Tell him I love him - Labor Day weekend he went away for a wedding I wasn't invited to. I was particularly pissed off. We had a "state of the union" in which he told me that he does love me. It took about another week for him to say it outside of an argument and I got to say "I love you too." Oddly enough, I am finding it difficult to bust out with the random I love you. Though sometimes it spills out when on the phone or leaving him. The other night I was half asleep and at some point before dozing off completely I told him I love him. So... it has definitely been done.

Find out when and why he didn't marry his X - yeah, so we had that discussion too. Round about the time I was having issues with NG he was breaking up with his evil X.

Find out what he's doing for my birthday - he got me flowers and that's it. He never did get us tickets for anything.

I give up

So, here I am again venting about my teaching job. The smart ass in class I was angry with last month for openly challenging me plagiarized parts of his paper.

I am literally shaking, I am so angry right now. I wish I could quit this job. And I am angry with myself for even trying it again after how miserable I was last year.

The idea of going into that classroom tomorrow makes we want to cry with futility and anger.

I am disgusted with my students right now. Utterly disgusted.

What am I doing?

This fall I took the job of teaching at a community college again. Why do I do it to myself? Last year when I did this I hated it most of the time. By the third week, I despised a good number of my students and I put in only enough effort to make sure they learned what I was testing them on. Some students did get better at the writing process. And 79% of them when evaluating me said they'd recommend me to a friend. That's pretty impressive since I can think of 6 out of 50 that I would care to ever have another conversation with.

So, here I am again. Half way through fall semester and hating it... again. Granted it took me this long, so that is some improvement, but I dread going. I put off planning. And I just don't want to do it anymore.

First of all I have a student who cheated. That student received a zero. Now I'm getting email bitching because they dropped the class. Why? My syllabus is clear about the consequences of these types of actions and I did not drop the student from the class. Two weeks later I'm receiving emails filled with attitude and bile. I really want to email back and say look on the bright side of dropping 1) you have an easier semester, 2) you can retake the class with a different instructor and 3) the next time you cheat, maybe that instructor will be too stupid to notice and you'll get away with it.

Something tells me that an email like that would not go over well.

The cheater had a friend in class who academically is not doing well. Since that friend no longer has the cheater to pal around with, they've attached themselves to another academically challenged student. One who has missed nearly half of the course and who gives me attitude at every turn.

I don't expect every student to like me. That's fine. But to openly challenge me in my classroom is not fine. Especially from someone who is barely scraping by with a passing grade.

I get that I look alot younger than I am. Most of these kids think I'm close to their age. But A) I'm older, and B) I have two masters degrees which give me the expertise to teach this class. To be questioned by these punks is infuriating.

The worst part too is that it makes me go into the classroom already braced for a stand off. I try not to let is show if I don't like somebody, but I am sure that the students can tell from my energy and attitude.

They are already asking me to teach another class in the winter, I am just dreading it. Granted when things go well, I enjoy it. I enjoy being in front of people and "performing" well. But I don't like these students, their attitudes, or their apathy at their own learning.

Looking back, What was I thinking??

So, the Jack Ass got married about a week ago. This is the girl he started dating while (I thought) he was dating me.

In hindsight I realize what dating really is. In hindsight the Jack Ass and I went on a couple of dates, but it never got out of the "friends zone." I had never really done any dating before that because the XX and I had just fallen into a relationship.

Looking back now I kind of wonder what I was thinking. Sure, I am having those sadness pangs of "he picked her" variety. But, when I look at pictures I can't help but think, really? I used to call him "Hot R---"?

I compare that to what I have with MM and realize that I'm not missing anything.

Guilt of the Soulless

Two weeks ago today I was putting my cat to sleep. I was called at work after I had dropped her off at the vet for exploratory surgery and told that the most humane thing I could do for her was to let her go.

Since then I've cried alot. Any night I wasn't with MM I cried myself to sleep. The only times I wasn't morosely sad was when I was with him. I felt immense sorrow, but also guilt. I keep thinking that I should have done something sooner (though she'd be gone sooner), that I should have spent more time at home with her, that I wasn't a good "mom."

It's said that a cat is the soul of a home. And I felt soulless. I made up errands and spent hours out of the house just so that I wouldn't go home to it empty. Every single time I opened the garage door I would feel my throat swell, and my eyes get wet. By the time I was in the house I headed for the bed and sobbed. I am heart broken with out her.

On saturday I was at my local humane shelter. I'd been going to different ones since tuesday because I found all of the cats comforting. I didn't want to be ready to adopt another one. Adopting another cat would just mean that I didn't love Babette as much as I did. And yet, I left on saturday with two kittens.

Now I feel guilty, not only about abandoning the memory of the cat I had for 13+ years, but I adopted to adorable kittens and not a full grown cat or two who areless likely to be adopted. I always said I was going to find the ugliest, least likely to be taken home cat and adopt him/her after I lost mine. But instead I am taking care of two 1 1/2 pound balls of fluff.

I keep asking myself what I was thinking? What did I get myself into? One has a URI and needs medicine daily and though separated it seems as though the other has caught it because she's sneezing. I fear that I am going to have gotten them only to lose them as well.

Spending time with them keeps me distracted. It gets me going home again. I cleaned the entire kitchen, master suite and den. Not only for them, but because they required so much care that I couldn't go to MM's for the day I had to have him come to me. He was entirely supportive of my grief and let me stay over often. He was gone over the weekend, and I wonder if that didn't have something to do with my spontaneous decision. Ever since our talk and the party at his parents we seem to be closer. Because he was out of town not only did I have the extra time to go looking for a cat, but I was missing the companionship.

But now I have them. Feeling guilty or not, I am responsible for these little guys. I hope that I do right by them.

A Cat Story pt3

Due to the pervading theory put forth by my mother, that Babette had been abused (most likely by a man) it was forever impossible to discipline or chastise her for fear of traumatizing her further. Consequently, Babette had the run of the house. By this, I mean she was allowed on all of the furniture, the desks, counter tops, tables (including the kitchen) and once in a while managed to make it to the window ledges too.

Babette was a great "helper" around the house, but mostly with paper work. Homework, bills, any thing that involved sitting at the table and writing she wanted in on. Usually this "help" began with laying across the table. Eventually she wanted to be more involved and would pounce on what ever paper work I was working on or just start to shred it with her teeth. This also including laying out sewing patterns - something about the crinkle of tissue paper that was like catnip to her ears. If extensive writing were involved Babette would "help" by taking hold of your pen or pencil. Typically all of this extraordinary usefulness would wear her out and in the end she'd make a fantastic 10 pound paper weight by stretching full length across the work thereby ensuring that a) the work was all finished and b) it wouldn't go anywhere while I succumbed to ear and chin scratching.

Helping mom clean up is hard work for any cat!

Eventually I did have to go off to college. I didn't go more than a 45 minute drive away so I saw Babette some weekends and on every holiday. Though she would curl up with my mom while I was gone, she always new that I was her human and came back to my bed while I was home. At some point when I was away she began becoming more and more of a baby.

Babette was always a little vocal. She spent her first evening in our home meowing into every corner of every room in the house. But when I came home from college she began begging for food too. Not just at the dinner table, where she would reach up to my chair and attempt, by patting my leg, to get you to give her a taste I happened to be eating. It wasn't enough that she had a food tower that kept her bowl perpetually full and a pet drinking fountain that circulated and filtered water, she began wanting to be pet before every meal. I would walk over to her food dish, she would follow and sit right in front of it. For many years this would be enough, but eventually she would sit, look up at me look at the food dish, look at me, and meow a little if I didn't reach down to pet her.

The same went for breakfast as well. Babette was a master at waking me or my mother up in the morning. My mother was a light sleeper and a light touch when it came to taking Babette to the kitchen in the morning, but if I was home I got the added benefit of being woken up at 5am to sound of the my cat tossing things off of my desk or dresser. If that didn't work she would find something noisy (like a bag or piece of paper) and beginning to play with or chew on it. Her last resort was to come right up to the pillow and bop me on the nose with her paw.

I admit there were mornings where I kicked her out of my room (not literally) I just let her outside and then shut the door. I also admit there are only a few times I can remember doing this, because as I say, Babette was a vocal kitty. She could stand outside of a door and cry for hours, especially when she new for a fact that I was on the other side of it. She also knew how to knock.

After a few months of living with us we discovered that Babette had not been spayed. I discovered Babette was in heat when I woke up to a pitiful crying kitty kneading her paws on my chest, as I by virtue of being her human mom could help her. We took her to the vet to be fixed and at the same time my mother had her declawed (I know... not the most humane of options, however, it was be declawed so she didn't ruin my mother's furniture or find her a nice cage at the Humane Society). She ended up staying the vets for a full weekend. We dropped her off on the way out of town to visit my newborn nephew and picked her up on the way home. When we got her back her little front paws were kind of sore. She had dissolving stitches so we didn't have to take her back to the vet - but in the mean time she developed the habit of sitting in Statue pose with one paw held up. She would periodically switch which paw, but it was a habit she held with varying frequency the rest of her life. But in this way she also learned how to knock on a door, or even push one open if she needed to get to me.

A Cat Story pt 2

When she was first found this kitten didn't seem like an abandoned animal. She was clean and well fed (no bones sticking out) and her claws were clipped. My mother was convinced that someone was missing this cat. For the next week we placed ads in local papers and walked around neighborhoods near the school asking if people were missing or knew of someone missing a small gray cat. After awhile we stopped knocking on doors, and the ads were never answered. My mother had to concede that she was not stealing anyone's beloved pet and she was welcome to become our beloved pet.

We needed to settle on a name for her. I was leaning toward something romantic and knightly like Galahad before getting to know her and realizing that she was an exceptionally prissy cat. Maybe it was her finicky eating habits, or the dainty way she held her tail as she ran, but there was something that was girlish she needed an appropriate name. I toyed with Genivieve and Guieniver, even Precious crossed my mind. But shortly after adopting her a friend and I went to see the stage production of Beauty and the Beast based on the Disney cartoon. In watching the charming romance between Lumiere, the candalabra, and the sexy feather duster, I came up with my new cat's name. Babette. In one word it summed up her sweet yet exacting nature (and it shortens to "Baby" perfectly).

My mother decided that Babette had been fouly abused as a kitten before being abandoned on high school property. The favorite imagined scenario was that some husband or boyfriend took a disliking to the cat and got rid of her before coming home and comforting his sad significant other. Our only evidence of this was Babette's extreme misandry. The moment she sniffed out a human male in the vicinity she turned into a hissing spitting growling force of nature.

If she hated any man in particular it would have been my father. To this day I can't tell you why because he did nothing to harm her, and had always been a cat person himself. His only comfort was that while she hated him, he was not alone in her contempt. My brothers were no exception. Even visiting men like dates were not immune. As she got older she became slightly more tolerant and by tolerant I mean she would approach a person, let them pet her, sniff them and if that whiff of human pheramone was male she hissed, growled, swatted and if pressed, bit. Sometimes I wondered if she didn't enjoy lulling them into a false sense of security with her big green eyes and soft fur.

"You have to come closer so I can smell you!"
the baby Babette

The only exception I ever witnessed to her hatred of men was my mother's second husband. She seemed to accept him into our family almost immediately. Perhaps because my parents divorced the summer before I went to study abroad, for 2 years my mother lived in our large suburban home alone with Babette. I can only imagine that Babette not only liked having a second warm body to snuggle between when I was not at home, but she knew that my mom needed more than feline companionship and wasn't going to stand in the way.

A Cat Story Pt 1

Just over fourteen years ago a young cat was abandoned at my high school during a soccer game. She was found in the equipment shed the next morning. She was fed, clean, and claws clipped. An announcement was made during second hour (Junior year English - American Lit) asking for the owner to claim the kitten and take her home. No one came forward. The next announcement came asking for interested students who would like to adopt the cat to obtain parents permission first and to collect her at the end of the day.

My mother has always been allergic to cats, although we did have them when I was very young. Once the last one died before I was six we didn't have anymore. I have always been a cat lover. At lunch time with the instance of my friends that I "needed" a cat and with out ever laying eyes on this one, from a pay phone I called my mother at work telling the front office that it was emergency. I told her that it would be sent to the humane society and put to sleep if someone didn't take it home. I was given permission to put my name at the very bottom of the list of volunteers and if no one else could possibly take this cat, then and only then could it come home with me.

All day I waited to find out what would happen. Then at the end of the day while I was waiting for my ride in the "homework room" (the after hours waiting area for those of us unlucky enough to drive our own cars, but not unfortunate enough to take the bus) I was called to the library (of all places) to get the cat.

It turned out that after the last bell my friends stood at strategic points outside of the school office and told all of the inquiring kids that I was already taking the cat home with me. In that way I ended up moving quickly to the top of the list.

The "kitten" that they had described on the phone ended up being a 6 month old cat. A common american short hair cat, grey striped, and very vocal. She wandered all over the library meowing at just about everything.

Prime real estate for chasing balls down the hallway or grabbing ankles.

We put her food and litter in the laundry room. (Later her food was moved to the kitchen so she could eat with us). That night my parents had plans to go out, I was supposed to go to a church meeting, but was told that I had to stay home with the cat. She spent a good portion of the after noon wandering around the house calling (for who I don't know - another cat, her old owners, who knows). That night I lay on the couch reading and she stretched herself across my tummy - a position she never again adopted.

After the first few days she figured out where the litter box was, stopped having accidents on the way there, and stopped sleeping on top of the dryer in the laundry room. She quickly took to sleeping on my bed at the foot or in the crook of my knees a habit she kept for the next fourteen years.

A "NO" by any other means is still a "NO"

Two weeks after interviewing for a full time job at another campus of where I already work and not hearing anything I emailed them. I know that I should have called last week, but I got to worked up about it.

Anyway, they don't want me. But said that I could apply to any other positions.... umm... if I'm not mistaken that was the only one open. Unless she's trying to tell me that she's leaving soon... but if she didn't want to hire me to work under her so....

I'm just saying, it's one thing to be polite and encouraging and it's another to encourage some to do the impossible.... like apply for non existent jobs.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things"

MM and I finally had our talk.

He invited me to his family's party and then I found out that he was leaving early and riding down on his motorcycle. I found all of this out as we were sitting with friends of his. MM offered to come back the night before the party and pick me up. What he didn't tell me was that the night before is "guys" night w/ his dad, his dad's friends, and his friends drinking and smoking cigars.

Eventually we came up with the plan that he would ride down on his motorcycle early in the week and then I would drive his truck down to his parents so that he could load it up with stuff. The same day we decide this he talks to his mom who didn't realize MM was planning on coming down so early in the week and had assumed that since he had class Wed nights he wouldn't be down until the Thursday before. That night after we had figured things out and then he talks to his mom, MM tells me that he has decided to take the motorcycle down on Tuesday, come back for class on Wed and then take the truck himself on Thursday. At which point I got severely ticked off.

Now, obviously, whatever I drive there and back I am driving alone, so what's the big deal if it's his truck or my car. It's not the gas 'cuz I'd fill his truck myself anyway. It might be the miles on my car, but I doubt it. MM made this point - I was not upset about the car so what was I so upset about?

I was upset that he invited me in a manner that suggested I was a guest like no other, never told me that I was not going with him (until I commented on his remark to his friend), and then didn't seem to care that we made a plan that I was finally happy with. I'm pissed with him for buying a new climbing harness for a trip to South America with his guy friends over his birthday, but hasn't bothered to get a second helmet for me to ride his motorcycle with him. I told him that I was feeling like an afterthought. Like I was not really at all important to him.

Our talk started off with him apologizing and saying he'd try harder. But he also said that he was intentionally keeping me at arms length. He says he can't make me any promises. I was pretty upset, not because I'm expecting a ring and marriage (or even want that right now), but because the way he said that makes me wonder if he plans on ever getting close to me and allowing me to get close to him. He talked about my "timeline" saying that he understands of if it doesn't match his. Huh? did my boyfriend just say he'd understand if I wanted to break up with him because he wants to move slower?

Nothing got resolved. I cried some. Asked alot of questions. I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. I still can't figure it out. He's asked me to come to this family party, he told me he would try harder to make me not feel like an after thought. He said he was sorry about his thoughtless comment re: you should look for jobs out of state. I have to get better about speaking up - I should have said something right then, but thought his comment was symptomatic of something bigger. And yet he said more than once that he is keeping me at arms length on purpose because of his past and because he gets too close to people too quickly.

I asked him how he feels about me which was "I care about you" and then a whole load of compliments. I also asked him if this was a serious relationship for him and he said yes, but again he couldn't guarantee me anything. He said he's not dating anyone else, but I already knew that and it doesn't really mean anything to me at this point anyway. Just because he's not dating someone else doesn't mean that I'm not just a weigh station before finding someone he does want to make promises too. Although he claims to not be 'broken' when I said that I didn't want to be the girl that fixes him for someone else, despite the fact that he blames this 'arms length' on being burned in the past.

So all that was really accomplished is that my suspicions were confirmed. He has a toe in the water, but isn't ready to get wet.

The only question is how long do I spend waiting him out before finally giving up?

Insomnia

So, I was unable to sleep last night. I was trying to make a dent organizing my bedroom after coming home from the movies (17 Again = way funnier than I thought it would be) and ended up going to bed at midnight even though I knew I had to be up at 6:45 (7:15 after multiple snoozes). MM had called me at 10:40 to see if I would come over, since he's pretty booked over the weekend. He said that if I come to his families party I'd probably meet his brother. Once again he said, IF I come. When he invited me he said this too. "IF you come you might want to bring support." I'm beginning to wonder if he wants me there at all. I don't want to go if he's going to drop me off at this party and say "see you later, have fun." I know he'll have to play "host" considering his family is throwing the thing, but I would think I'd see him some time during the day/night. I keep thinking that I won't take anyone. I mean the person I bring, won't know anyone but me so then I'd be playing babysitter. And if I have a friend I'll be less likely to try to mingle with his friends and family. So in an effort to force myself to be friendly I think I'm going to brave it alone. In preparation for this I checked out "How to win friends and influence people" from the library. (Yeah, I'm a dork)

Between this and the fact that I was notified that the recent job I applied for would like to telephone interview me, I was trying organize materials for my adjunct teaching job, and I have a Spanish test on Friday I was very agitated. I went to bed at midnight and tossed until 2:30, I fell asleep sometime after that, only to be woken at 5 by birds outside my window. Then I tossed some more until my alarm went off at 6:15, then 6:45, then 7:15. Finally at 7:30 I heard my mother banging around in the kitchen and I knew I'd be late to work.

I am thinking I am going to call in sick at my second job today. I can't see teaching people to dance and trying to be perky during aerobics when all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I know when I don't eat before teaching I have a tendency to get irritated with my students if they don't listen or take too long to grasp something. On the other hand I really want to work out. I have managed to come down a few pounds from the weight I gained this fall, but it's not down where I was last summer. I really want to loose at least 5 more pounds if not 8 or 10. But I can't do that if I don't work out. If I could stop stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for an Egg & cheese sandwich on tuesdays and thursdays I'd lose it too. I manged to go with out last week and this tuesday, but today I left so late and I needed to eat breakfast at least.

I have a stack of clothes from last summer that I can't fit into currently - or at least I don't think that I look good stuffing myself into them. I am terribly concerned about impressing MM's friends and family. Now that he's so aware of how they felt about his X (his father said "I told you so" when it didn't work out), he might listen a little more to them which means, they need to like me.

Weekend Away

A friend of MM's got married over the weekend. They were college friends - she belonged to a sorority that his fraternity often hung out/partied etc with - contrary to most assumptions they never dated. But they were such good friends that the family considers MM one of their own.

It was a little awkward at first considering everyone he knew was in the wedding party or family. The reception was fairly casual (but still extremely nice) and there were no assigned seats and we literally had no one to sit with. We got lost between our hotel and the reception and got there late. We ended up sitting with some of the bride's co-workers who were from out of town and didn't know anyone else. They were very friendly.

The food was not great for me. Being a vegetarian my choices were salad, over done vegetables, rolls, and dessert. Everyone else got potatoes (w/ bacon), chicken and beef tips. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't get more drunk considering how little I ate at dinner.

MM and I got up to dance the first song after the bridal dances were done - apparently we dance well together :) because the next time I went for a drink both bartenders were talking about what a good dancer I was. After that people really watched us on the dance floor. At one point MM made us sit down because the mother of the bride was telling her daughter to move out of the way so she could watch us (oops!). I even went up to an older family member (I believe on the groom's side) and asked him to dance, because he looked like he knew what he was doing. MM took that opportunity to go back to the bar. The bartender was even more impressed. From then I got totally hooked up on drinks. He totally over poured and added extra shots to my drinks.

While chatting to the bride's father about 1/2 way through the evening, MM invited the family (including bride and groom) to the MM family's big summer party. I was wondering if I'd get invited or if he'd make some excuse for not wanting to bring me because apparently it's his whole family, plus about 400 guests. A little while later he did invite me. Said his parents send an actual invite which he just got. MM said he'd love for me to come, but that I might want to bring a friend because he won't be available the whole time. That reads to me - "I want you to come, but I don't want to babysit you the whole time." He said I could hang out with his friends but that I Still want to bring "support." Apparently this is from prior experience, but I'm guessing the evil x probably gave him hell for not spending every minute with her.

When the reception was winding down we were chatting to the family. The mother of the bride told MM that I was winner and he better hang on to me :)! MM confided that in private they were talking and the mother admitted that she thought his x was a hag.

In between the wedding and reception we went to have a light lunch and check into our hotel. We talked a little about how I don't like hearing about the evil x. I rarely mention my exes to MM. If I do I use the very vague "friend" reference. I told him that I don't like thinking about him with other girls, so why would I want to put that image in his head about me.

What I really want to tell him is that when he talks about her I wonder 3 things...
1) if we end up exes will he speak badly of me to the next girl? What doesn't seem bad now might later on.
2) if he's really over her? Sure he ended the relationship because she was crazy, jealous, and overly materialistic (she didn't think her ring was big enough to impress anyone). But maybe he's not over the fact that this person he loved let him down in someway.
and 3)it just reminds me that he loved someone enough to ask her to marry him (even though he didn't go through with it) and I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me.

We danced at the reception to "More than Words" and another song I can't remember right now, but it also had the words I love you in it. He sang along. Now, I'm not going so far as to think he was saying "I love you," but it'd be as close as either of us have gotten. When he's busy he can go a few days with out calling. But if he has a particularly bad day he'll usually want to see me. He called me "stress free" company during his first set of finals in April.

On Sunday we went to brunch on the river front - which was incredibly pleasant. Funnily we ran into one of his co-workers even though we were out of town. We came home watched High Fidelity. Then he did homework and I went dancing.

All in all it was a fun weekend. I especially liked that I got his friend's family's approval just because I was reasonably friendly and a good dancer.

Kismet

It’s hard for me to believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, that certain things/ events are just meant to be. Particularly because I have a hard time believing that there is a omniscient puppet master in the sky. I believe in free will not predestination. But recent occurrences in my life are starting to at least make me at least believe in serendipity.
MM went to live and work in Europe. He was supposed to be there for three years. After three months he decides to come back and propose to his girlfriend. Eventually he decides that he can’t marry her and they break up. His company doesn’t send him back to Europe.

Fast forward to OG’s birthday week: I don’t want to go out with her that Thursday and I know that if it were any other occasion I could probably bail on her, but not her birthday. So I go looking for a quiet night and end up meeting MM. Only the second guy I’ve met in a bar who’s phone calls I actually took, and the very first that I actually went on a date with. If he hadn't of come back for the awful x, or if I had decided to stay home and watch the VP candidate debates, we never would've met.

I recently applied for a job at my alma mater – a very big, very good, very famous university – knowing that I didn’t have a very good chance of getting the job there. But I managed to get my hopes up, forgetting that they would probably have hundreds of applicants. And I was rejected.

Yesterday I come to work and our clerk tells me that another campus of our College is hiring a full time position. They had just had a position open a few months ago, but I hadn’t been working here long enough to feel comfortable going for it. Now it’s been opened externally as well. Again, there will be a lot of applicants, but there is the added bonus of already working for the college.

I hate to get my hopes up again. But the deadline for the application is this Monday. My boss is coming in today (after a long weekend – gone fri and mon) and I need to talk to her about the possibility of me applying for this job. I’ve only been here for 9 months and when I applied I said I wanted a part-time position so that I could balance it with other things and opportunities. I have too, besides my dancing (which sadly has declined) I managed to teach English, aerobics, and dance and learn Spanish. That is going to be one of the down sides to leaving here. The upside being not having to drive around all the time. Another downside is that that my interests are really in line with my duties here and I don’t know if that will be the case at the new campus. But I really want to cut my commute and get my own place. I have been living at my mother’s house since the April 2008 (5 months after I left my previous job). Now, she’s telling me there is the possibility of my aunt selling her house and moving in with us. My mother’s husband already gives the vibe of not approving of my nights away; my aunt is super conservative (my step-dad is not) and won’t keep her mouth shut on that topic.

\I turned 30 this year. I need to get out on my own. I want to live by myself. I want to decorate my own space. :::sigh::: the boss should be here soon and I am suddenly getting very nervous.

Going through the Emotions

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not happier outside of a relationship than in one.

Now, I know this wasn't true in college, because I was extremely depressed and had never been in a relationship. But in the past few years, I remember the time between the X and MM, even if you want to count NG (although not really a relationship). I just have this happy when I'm with him, miserable when I'm not mentality. It's almost bi-polar.

Although, I did have a small fight with MM recently. We were in the shower a week ago before going to breakfast and we got to talking about me being a vegetarian and how I'm not down with the dairy industry either. Neither of these things are news to him. But he was teasing me about believing propaganda because I had told him one of the reasons I dislike dairy and wish to give up cheese is because dairy cows are repeatedly artificially inseminated in order to continue milk production. Their bodies are over taxed and what nutrients they do consume goes into their milk and the growing calf. A normal cow's life span would be 20-25 years, but on a dairy farm (the factory farm - not the personal kind) it lives 3-5. He also had bones about the word "inhumane" and what it really means. (He claims that like woman a cow will continue to make milk as long as it is milked, but sadly that's not true)

I eventually got fed up - for one thing he was wrong which is proved by a non-animal rights agricultural article and the dictionary - for another I was tired, still wobbly from morning sex, with very low blood sugar (having not eaten since dinner the night before), and if I'm being totally honest, probably a little hormonal. At any rate, I got fed up, turned my back to him, turned the water off said I'm done and that he needed to get out, stop talking to me and leave me alone. I actually started to cry when he wouldn't leave me alone.

Now, he felt bad. He was teasing - although, I think that stems from deep repressed lack of respect for my vegetarian stance - he says that he does respect me, but that he's still going to push my buttons. And he says he'll still try to get me to eat meat. And he did apologize and tell me that I need to just smack him in the face and tell him to shut it when he goes to far.

The previous day we had been to the video store to get movies, I suggested "Holiday" (with Kate Winslet and Jack Black) and he did pick it up, then said that he thought he already owned it. But I had never seen it. Turns out his x has it - borrowed and never returned - and that he had bought it for the same reason - she wanted to see it. So I put it back. He said not to get worked up that everyone has a past. Again, I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have come up with a quick witted comment (like, and they need to stay there). Instead I just looked like I was being stupidly jealous.

Today he went with me too a bbq - he was the buffer for awkwardness that I really needed - on the way home we passed a ridiculously expensive restaurant. One that costs about $150-200 per person when you're done. He said he'd been there because he'd gotten tasting tickets for $125 that came with wine pairings. I had a feeling that this was going to end up being an x story. I was right. He prefaces with: I know you don't like stories with the x, but this is one you might like. (huh? what part of this am I supposed to like? Just because in it she acts like a jealous bitch (knew that already) and the punch line is that other people tell him that he can do better and the ladies love him. The funny part is he's told me this story before!

I don't know, I'm starting to amass a list of "need to talk about with MM" topics. He makes it seem like it's no big deal to talk about x's. He thinks it's silly to change an X into a "friend" in stories you tell your new SO. I personally think it makes a lot of sense. First of all what is the difference if a character in your story is the friend or the gf? Does it change the information I learn about you? Sure, it doesn't work in the "you can do better" story, but for the most part does it matter if a friend or boyfriend tried to teach to play golf - the point of the story is that I have a set of seldom used clubs and it would be fun to go out and give it another try. This is not what I said at the time.

He hasn't been calling me as much during the week as he used to. Once he asked why I hadn't called him, and I said that as the girl it wasn't my job. He said that it's a two way street. Once again I didn't say what I wanted to - mostly because I can't think of these things at the time.

I don't understand why my brain will not work when I am around him.

I am also getting a little worried about my moods. Generally my PMS doesn't start a whole week before my period. Generally when I've been on the pill I never really got PMS. I never used to notice PMS at all really. Until recently anyway. Now I just feel miserable. Not crampy, bloated miserable - but mood-wise. My freebie state insurance for women (since I don't get any work benefits) will not give me another check up until September. So in the meantime I'm stuck with these mood swings that I don't understand at all.

Ignorance is bliss

MM and I are going strong. Although, I have yet to have "the talk" with him. I seem to do well and accept our relationship as is for a couple of months and then freak out for a few weeks.

We went on a double date with OG and her boyfriend. We went to a restaurant that has dancing - the same place that J works. But I haven't laid eyes on J or had a conversation longer than "can you do a lesson this weekend? Good I'll mail you a check." About half way there MM and I start talking about jobs.

I work part time at a private college, and I also teach two fitness classes at a gym. If you don't count commuting I work 35 hours a week. Although with the drive I sometimes end up with 12 hour days. I also take a language class for four hours once a week. But my shift at the college is only 6 1/2 hours long (w/ lunch). MM works a 40+ hour week and goes to school twice a week for his MBA. Needless to say he's a bit sarcastic about my "difficult" schedule.

Getting a full time job in my field, however, is not easy. My state has one of the worst unemployment rates in the country, and there are two universities with in 40 miles of each other pumping out graduates in my profession. There is another school one state over and a fourth two states over. Funding is being cut at a ridiculous rate for my field, making it economical to hire part-time workers to save the cost of benefits.

Anyway - in defending my part time work situation to MM a few weeks ago, I mentioned this current hiring environment. To which he says, that if I need to look out of state for a job then I decide where I want to live and start applying for jobs.

Hmmm... did I miss something or did my boyfriend just tell me to leave town?

The evening was pretty much a bust, but I really couldn't bring myself to tell him why. MM accuses me of being passive aggressive, although I think I was the first person to mention it because when he came back from his New Years jaunt, I turned my phone off. But the more I consider it, the more I realize, I'm not passive aggressive, so much as I'm terrified of talking about my emotions. Or at least my "bad" ones. I am more than willing to tell him how happy I am, but the minute I'm unhappy I clam up and wait for the feeling to pass.

I know exactly why I do it too. Pretending that everything is wonderful is exactly what I grew up learning to do. No matter how much my parents fought, or my siblings and I fought, no matter what kind of trouble we got into at home, we were always the happy family with no problems of any kind. I heard on more than one occasion from my mother when we were out together that my siblings and I had "never caused me a day of grief in my life." Now maybe that's just a mother's hyperbole because my mother loved us. But it was an impossible standard to live up to and all it taught is is that everyone must see a perfect family regardless of what else was going on. Happy feelings were the only ones that mattered and all the others were ignored.


Despite the fact that my rational brain is screaming to share to tell him what is wrong so that it can be fixed. I am sure that he didn't literally mean to leave and get a job elsewhere so much as being supportive. He knows my part-time job is a dead end job with no potential for upward mobility. But I can't do it. The fear that there is even a small possibility that MM doesn't consider this relationship a long term one with real commitment possibilities just overwhelms me. If I don't ask, if I don't say, it hurts to me think that you wouldn't mind if I left town, or to say you know, I'm not really sure how you feel about me, then I can't hear the answer I don't want. If I never hear the answer I don't want then I can pretend that everything is okay.
I just know from previous experience with the X and the XX that I am more than likely blissfully waiting around to get my heart broken.