A year and half later

I got a call from J on Wednesday. He needed a performance partner for a last minute party the next evening. Funny thing is that B said no because of team practice, but I said yes. With the performance being at 5:15 there was plenty of time to get to practice, but for whatever reason she didn't want to do it. So I said yes.

Everything went well. I messed up a couple times, but he said not to worry. I'm really not used to dancing with him anymore. We chatted a bit afterwards. Turns out the team and SOG are working the same Cinco de Mayo show as him at an out of town casino. Before I left he said that I could call him for anything.

Hmmm...

I'm left wondering again if he's fishing for a "get together." But it wasn't until 5 minutes later that I realized it could mean that.

I'm really proud of myself for being able to keep my cool, my head, my emotions all in tact, be friendly and professional around him. I think I've made major progress.

Birthdays

I've been sitting on this for a while because it was so weird that I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.

My birthday was last week. It fell on a good dancing night, and the team did a performance at the club. So all in all it was a really fun night. Dancing, drinking, being with friends. I had told my dance instructor about the performance, but he was supposed to be in Chicago and wasn't going to make it. Turns out that was just a ruse to make me think he wasn't coming, but really he did show up. Not only did he show up for the performance, dance with me, buy me a drink, but he also got me a birthday present. He handed it to me as he was leaving - a jewelry box. It is a very small gold/diamond (very small) necklace. My other cards and gifts I was just shoving into a bag under the coat rack, but I couldn't do that with jewelry. So I went out after him thanked him, and had him put it on me - and that's when he kissed me.

It was on the lips but no tongue and not very long. But I still don't know how to take it. Is it a old man, paternal, fraternal kiss? Or something more?

I'm supposed to go to my normal group classes tonight in an hour and I'm wigging out. We normally get a drink and a bite to eat after class, but I don't know how to be now. My plan is just to ignore that it happened and see if it anything more happens. I don't want to call him out on something he didn't see as a big deal. Then I'd feel like a total idiot. I just can't imagine him being attracted to me. I'm more than 20 years younger than him, and look at least 30 years younger than him.

Too weird.

I'm a moody bitch

SOG sat me down for a talk yesterday before my private lesson. Apparently he's noticed me having an attitude in front of the other girls. Part of me sees it, but on the other hand with two past exceptions I've not copped more attitude than the other girls. In fact the past two practices I haven't said anything, so I'm at a loss as to why he's bringing it up now.

It made for a crappy lesson. I had no desire to dance with him then and I have no desire to dance with him right now.

Scare of a lifetime

Last night we had what I hope will be the last snowstorm before spring really starts. Not that you would know it by the total lack of snow on the ground today thanks to the 40 degree day we had.

But last night we had at least 3 inches. Despite the weather I went out. I had dance team practice at 6pm, and at that point none of the snow was sticking to the ground, but when we got ready to leave at 8pm it had started to stick. SOG, the other girls and myself went to a different Thursday night club, because the owner had invited us there to dance for a tourism commercial that was being filmed there. Pretty cool. When we left the place at 10:30 it was really coming down, but that didn't stop us from driving over to our regular spot (all in one car of course). By the time we got back to SOG after midnight my car was covered with snow and his car was slipping on the way back. SOG was so nice he cleared off all of cars while they warmed up.

So with a clear windshield I left his place and proceeded slowly home. I'm traveling down a two lane road on my way to the highway when I see in front of me a dude. A random guy just walking on the side of the road. I freak out hit my breaks and then slip and slide right into him.

Yep, I hit a guy with my car.

It was the scariest moment ever. The moment that I heard the thud will forever be emblazoned on my memory. (As will the sight of the car behind me driving past us and not stopping to help.) I immediatly pulled over freaking out that I had possibly killed somebody. The guy was totally fine though. I had clipped him behind one leg, so really he's lucky that he didn't break anything (so I am really, 'cuz I suppose he could decide to sue me if he wanted to - though he said he wouldn't - not that he'd get much out of an unemployed girl living with her retired parents). I called the police right away and then waited half an hour for one to show up. During that time I was on the phone with SOG and B crying my eyes out. Sometime during the phone call with the police the shock it me and I started bawling. I think it started when they asked my name and I could only think, oh my god I hit a guy with my car.

After waiting again after the police arrived I eventually got a ticket for "improper lane usage." I'm contemplating fighting it because with the weather nobody was using a proper lane, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

The weird thing is the night before I had watched on-line an episode of "New Amsterdam" (not a great show, but I find it interesting) where a lady killed a kid in a hit and run.

And again

Having seen NG at the party last night for all of two minutes and basically only saying hi and bye, I thought surely NG would text me. Send me some kind of nice-to-see-you-sorry-we-didn't-get-to-dance-or-talk message. In my wildest dreams I hoped for a can-we-talk-how-about-coffee message.

During team practice I got two text messages from him. Two identical messages. Happy Easter, fun with family, Jesus resurrection forgive our sins bla bla bla.

I was so disapointed I nearly texted him back a snarky comment about how it's not the resurrection that forgives our sins, it's Jesus' death. But in the end I thought it would be rude. So I just ignored it.

Another case of I got what I wanted, just not how I wanted it.

Getting what you want isn't always what you want.

Ever since November of '06 when J got his gig performing and teaching I wanted to perform there. Well a year and a half later I got what I wanted.

Yesterday J was calling me alot too. First he left a message and then he just kept calling. Finally I listened to the message - I took his number out of my phone a few months ago - so I didn't know it was him. He was offering me a chance to perform at his club, because he was going out of town and asked my friend B to fill in and she suggested dancing with me.

We did do it. And we rocked. I did a great lesson even if I do say so myself.

After that we went to a party. I was up in the air about going, it was being held by a really good friend of NG. I was 90% sure that NG would be there. But since he hadn't been at the thursday club in a few weeks and it's the night before easter I thought there was also a chance he wouldn't show up. But he was there. His car was the first in the drive way and I could see him through the window before we even went in.

I had wanted to see him, but as soon as I got in there I couldn't look up at him - I froze. Eventually I was able to say hi, and give him a hug. He also said good-bye, but it was about 10 minutes later. I had all these ideas and fantasies about what would happen if he were there, but it was totally anti-climactic.

A very good friday indeed

After weeks of avoiding the situation I finally talked to R. After weeks of avoiding his calls and text messages and being worried that at anytime I could walk out of my building to find him or a present there waiting for me, I picked up the phone and called him back.

Part of it was annoyance. I had been really ill with Bronchitis and then Pink-eye. Being that conjunctavitis is so contagious I was basically stuck in my apartment until I was almost done with the anti-biotics. I told him this three times. I talked to him once to tell him "look I'm still sick, why are you calling so much?" again when he called to see if I was going out "no you moron I've got a contagious bacterial whatsit." and then in text message when he again asked me if I was going out. I was beginning to wonder if he knew what the hell "contagious" means.

Then I got a voicemail - I think I might have pink-eye because my eyelid is itchy. And then a card outside my apartment saying the same thing "my eyelid is swollen and getting color. I think you gave me the pink-eye, but it was worth it." I was pretty pissed. I got pink-eye from the bronchitis infection after I saw him when he came over unannouced the first time. Not to mention none of those are symptoms of conjunctavitis. So I texted him back - "if you think you have it, go to the Dr. right away. but I didn't have it when I saw you last, you didn't get it from me."

He finally called today and I was still pissed enough that I thought, this is it. Give him the boot. So I called him. Told him I was getting better and when he asked when he could see me I said we'd be better off friends seeing each other out sometimes than actually dating. I gave some other rigamarol about him being sweet (ack!) and I appreciated his concern while I was sick (Blech!) but that it made me realize that he cared much more about me than I do about him. I told him round-aboutly that I still had feelings for someone else. Althogh, not seeing NG in a month is definitely helping.

Then he came out with the truth. He thought I was lying about having conjunctavitis. And said he had gotten it so that I would let him see me. Huh? So I tried again to explain how I got it, when I had it, and how freaking contagious it is. It makes me so very glad that I gave him the boot. What an idiot. and I wash my hands of him completely. And I am so very happy that I did.

This is ridiculous

I can't stop thinking about NG.

I keep going over and over different senarios in my brain about how he might approach getting back together with me, the different excuses he could use for breaking up with me to begin with.

I remember doing this with the XX. But we had been together for over a year. This was a month. A Month!! Granted I had been wanting him to ask me out for two weeks prior to him doing so. And I knew with in the first conversation that he and I had that I wanted to go out with him.

I just don't know how to deal with the fact that it's been a month and we went out a month, and I'm still not over him.

It's ridiculous and I can't make my self stop.

I'm afraid to leave my building

So, it's a been a week since my ill-advised car sex with R. I never really thought he'd keep up the "we should go out pretense" and in truth he only half has. But still I'm getting at least one, sometimes three calls and texts a day. His texts are mostly "Hi, where are you." As if I'm going to text back "AT home, alone, and naked big boy." At least J put in a few pleasantries before asking if I was at home and could he come over.

I tried to put R off with the whole "I'm busy" thing. I went out with SOG on the Saturday after and with girl friends on the Sunday after. Monday He texted me just as I was walking into my apartment building. It seriously creeped me out that he might be around. Thankfully right after the "Hi" text I got a "where are you." I lied and said the library working on a job application. Hoping he would take the hint and not bother me, but no such luck he asked what I was doing on Tuesday. I said I was going to dance lessons. The weather didn't allow me to go, and I just didn't bother picking up when he called at 9 that night. On Wednesday I finally picked up the phone and told him I wasn't feeling well and was gonna stay home, that yes, my roommate was in. That was the truth (not the staying in part - although turned out to be true) the university we live near and my roomy works at was closed with the snow so she couldn't go anywhere and I wasn't gonna dig my car out. I should never have told him that I was sick - apparently I was ill when we had our first of three phone conversations back in November. So an hour and half after I hang up with him he calls again. I don't pick up, five minutes later he calls again, and three minutes after that. My roommate says, in 11 minutes he's called three times which means he's outside trying to get ahold of you. I didn't believe her until phone call four comes and he leaves a message.

"I thought you were at home, your car is in front of your building. I brought something for you. I left it outside your door." Now he doesn't know which apartment is mine and you have to get through a locked door, but he does know my building because he watched me walk in. So I waited another ten minutes hoping he'd left and call him. Tell him sorry I was taking a hot shower hoping to feel better and I'd go look for the bag now. Only I couldn't find it and went all the way outside looking for it. Bad move - it was inside the first un-locked door, but blended with the bagged newspapers that I hadn't seen it - and he was still driving around waiting for me to call so he comes around the corner as I'm looking outside.

I said hi, thanked him for the package (hat, mittens, herbal tea) and told him that I had to get back before my roommate got worried - I didn't lock the door behind me and said I'd be two minutes. He asked me which apartment was mine, I told him - I don't want him knocking on someone elses door thinking it's mine - but said that our buzzer didn't work and the only way to know if someone was here was phone call. And I explained the locked door to the apartments and that it was just a hallway there so that's why nobody heard him knocking. Then I left.

Turns out I did get sick that night. A really bad sore throat, aches, pains, and lots of mucus. Karma I'm sure. So Thursday I turned my phone off and got two messages and two texts both of which said "where are you." Thursday is my normal night out, I had been too sick when I got back from chicago to go, then I was avoiding NG for a week. I was actually looking forward to going back this week. For the dancing and for a strange jones to see NG. I know he's not gonna sponaneously want to date me again (as much as I wish that would happen, and fantasize about that happening) but I really miss him.

Today I texted R saying I got his messages and voicemails, but was sick and sleeping all day (not a lie) and that I was gonna be in all weekend. I left it with "talk to you when I'm better." I didn't hear from him all day. I thought, cool he got the hint this time! I had my phone on because my roomy was gonna call me to bring me food after work, but she never did. Which means I had my phone on when R did call at 7pm. He hadn't gotten the hint after all. I don't even remember what he said and then deleted it.

I'm sure he's not heartbroken and is gonna mack on some other girl this weekend - which is fine with me. I just wish I could get him off my back. I wish I could go back in time and leave that club when I meant to last week so I never would have danced with him in the first place, or said "what the fuck you followed me home after I told you not too? hell no I'm not getting in your car" and then gone in my house.

I'm gonna have to get rid of him soon. I'm moving in three weeks and I don't want him to offer to help. A week after that is my birthday day and I don't want him at the parties. I don't want to go on a date with him. Although, I am tempted to suck it up and go out with him once. I figure either we'll go on a real date and I can say "look it was fun, but I don't think we connected sorry I don't want date number 2." Or, he'll just want to have sex and I can say "hey, I thought we were really gonna date, I don't want casual sex I don't want to see you again." Because really I don't want to be another fuck buddy, and I don't like this guy for more than that.

Then there's always the white lie. So sorry, I ended up talking to my ex while I was laid up sick and it reminded me that I still have feelings for him. I just can't see you when I know I'd be thinking about him. If I have any chance of working it out with him I have to try. Except that is more of an out and out lie than a white lie. Because sure I have feelings for NG but he doesn't want to get back with me, and we haven't talked in about 3 weeks.

I wish girls could do the "fade away" that guys do so well.

What is it about me

that screams "sure, I'll have sex with you in the back of your car even though we've never dated and you just kissed me for the first time on the dance floor tonight."

Cuz I've got another one. I kind of thought that J had the market cornered on this particular sleazy behavior, but it turns out I was wrong.

I went to a new club tonight. SOG and his girlfriend were going, I had it on his authority that other people ("everyone I've talked to") were going to be there. It turned out that there were a good number of people I knew, but the music was only so-so and the dancefloor so tiny that I didn't get much dancing in. After 2 hours I was ready to give up. I was getting ready to go when I was asked to dance by R. He had asked for my phone number back in the fall and then took 2 months to call me. He called me on thanksgiving and christmas. I was supposed to go out for coffee with him one day and forgot about it, making plans to practice with SOG instead. He was also at the NYE party that I went to. He stood right next to me as we counted down midnight and didn't even kiss me. At that point I gave up on him. I figured he just wasn't interested. And with the enterance of NG I was okay with that.

I was really hoping that NG would be at this place tonight. It's close enough to where he lives and near where he first took me out, I thought he'd go. It's stupid, since I've been avoiding the other club I know he goes to, but I just felt like something would happen with us if he was there.

I was wrong. He didn't show up and instead, R asks me to dance right as I'm thinking of leaving. It was a total booty-shaking, bump-and-grind kind of song, but I danced with him anyway. He bought me flowers from some lading selling them on the floor (I'm pretty sure he's the only one who did, since I didn't see any other girls with them). I figured he was probably drunk. He ended up kissing me on the dance floor, and then buying me a drink. We just sat on a couch periodically kissing for the next 1/2 hour until the place closed.

He walked me to my car, and then asked if he should follow me home. I said, no that was okay. I scraped my car, changed my shoes, and left the parking lot. It wasn't until I was two lights from home that I realized that somebody was following me. It totally creeped me out - even when he stepped out of the car and it was R. I told him that he shouldn't have come, and that he couldn't come in because I have a roommate. So he suggests that we say goodbye in his car where it's warm.

That's when the sex commenced. It was the weirdest thing it went from making out to oral sex so fast, I couldn't believe it. My suspisions that he was drunk were pretty much confirmed when he was really soft and couldn't do finish the deed.

I dated NG for a month and we never got that far. Probably because I actually like/ care about him and wanted us to be in a relationship. Sadly I think R is going to end up just like J (with the exception of me having feelings for him and making an ass out of myself because of it). I'll probably sleep with him a bit, but I still wish I was with NG.

I didn't realize it had been so long!

What a couple of months it has been.

I finally met someone who got me over J once and for all. Now if I can just get over this guy.

We met in December right before Christmas. He'd been going to the club I go to on Thursday, but never talked to me, but we met properly at a mutual friend's X-mas party. We talked quite a bit and I thought he was pretty cute. But the next thursday I saw him with a girl and put him out of my mind.

Then came New Years. My one dance instructor (not SOG) had bought me a beautiful little-black-dress and black pumps for christmas (Spending more on an outfit that I would spend on clothes in a year) with the instructions to wear them at New Years, and to be the change I want to see for myself.
I wasn't expecting great things out of NYs as I was tagging along w/ SOG, his girlfriend, and a few other dancing friends to a party of a complete stranger. I knew a guy that was going to be there we had talked on the phone a few times, and despite standing right next to me at midnight he didn't give me a kiss, so I was kind of bummed. It didn't help that J had shown up to this party as well. Things were salvaged when new guy from the christmas party showed up and started dancing and flirting with me. He took my number and called me to have a safe drive home and over the week we were texting a bit too.

We had our first date on Jan 4th. He picked me up for coffee at 8 and we ended up talking until 12:30am. Then we played pool for a couple of hours. All in all it was a great casual first date. For the next month it was mostly flirting on the dance floor, making out at his place after watching movies on his couch and the occasional actual date out - a movie, or bowling. The whole time he would talk about things to do when it got warm out, what we would do when we had our first argument, things like that. Things that made it sound like he thought this was heading for a relationship.

The February hit and I got silence. We made plans on a monday to have a movie night at his place on Friday, and I didn't hear again from him until thursday - he couldn't make it to the club like normal. He picked me up on Friday an hour late w/ no call or anything. He stopped the movie with 1/2 hour left to help his mom w/ some airline problems. Then I had to initiate the usual make-out session. Eventually he took me home with out asking what I was doing for the rest of weekend. I let it slide until the following tuesday when I cracked. I called him up and left a message along the lines "You should be calling the girl you're supposed to be dating. How did you go from calling and texting me everyday, stopping by my apartment at 4am just so we'd get a chance to see eachother on a saturday, to absolutely nothing for days? It seems to me that if you're not contacting me then you're not thinking of me which means that we've got to talk about weather you're losing interest or what."

He called back a few hours later with "oh no, I don't want you to feel that way, what are your plans tomorrow, the next day?"

We had lunch two days after. I thought it was hunky-dory, he was making things up to me, I just had to tell him what I wanted and he'd make adjustments (he is a couple years younger than me after all). Then the bill came. He didn't pick it up, didn't pick it up and then looks at me and says "So..." which is his lead in to all questions, "what feelings are you getting from me?" The cold shoulder. And he proceeds to tell me that despite all my wonderful qualities (90% of them physical) he didn't feel for me what he should and didn't want to take me along for the ride.

I have never been so totally fleeced in all my life. This guy totally made me believe that we had something good starting and then pulled the rug out from under me in less than five seconds.

To make matters worse - I had planned a weekend to chicago for dancing with some people for Valentine's weekend. Back when New Guy and I were together I tried to get him to come along, but he had some other responsibility he couldn't get out of. As I was finalizing my ride out to Chicago the monday before I'm supposed to leave, I find out that New Guy and our mutual friend are coming after all and they're getting a ride with my ride.

Looking back on it I should have bailed on my weekend. I ended up having a miserable time and getting really sick as well. The drive to Chicago was miserable. The night before I had gone out with girlfriends and had all of 2 hours of sleep before being picked up. Then I got to ride in the back between New Guy and his friend and proceeded to not sleep at all. That night when out dancing I got to watch New Guy flirt with and pick up some girl, and listen to his friend congratulate him. Then NG and his new girl sat outside his hotel room (right next to my hotel room) for an hour talking, before leaving - presumably to her room.

Thankfully after mentioning to my ride how aweful it was having NG around, and that I was deathly ill on sunday when we left, I got to ride up front going home. But I know NG and his friend wanted to talk about the girl, but made it pretty obvious that they couldn't when I was in the car. Pointed looks in my direction and "oh, well...." trailing into silence before changing the subject.

There are a huge number of reasons why NG and I wouldn't have worked out in the long run, but I'm insensed at being rejected by him. I'm crazed over the fact that he built up my expectations only to bring them crashing down on me. I'm pissed that my weekend away, that I was looking forward to because I wasn't going to have to look at his stupid face or act like I was totally fine around him was ruined.

And now I'm stuck in the same stupid boat that I was over J. Only J at least had the decenecy to never claim that he liked me in the first place.

Enjoy the 20%

My regular dance instructor is back from vacation. I have been missing him for two weeks. He has an amazing attitude about life. He will always answer "fantastic" to the question of how he is. Because he's always fantastic it's the rest of the world that changes from day to day. He also says that life is 80% miserable stuff that happens to you and 20% great stuff and you can spend your life complaining about the bad or you can enjoy the 20%.

He gave me a tough lesson today. I won't lie that I was feeling good today. I had an impromptu session with SOG. We are really starting to perfect the tricks in my solo routine, and he says once I'm down solid I'll be ready to do regular shows with him (take that J and B!). Obviously I've got serious work to do to improve my dancing, but I thought I'd made good progress. And I did make good progress with my regular instructor too, but he has the knack for saying the right thing that makes me want to break down in tears with 'but I though ...". Part of it is that I have always been an intellectual person. So now I am trying to learn to make my body do things it has never done and that I have never thought about making it do. I am also trying to make it do things that in ordinary every day life we just don't do. The moves in ballroom/latin dancing are more sensual and romantic than any booty dancing bump & grind in a club could ever be. I have to break the mental barrier, stop analyzing the how of it and just go by feel. Yeah it feels like I'm moving too much, but in dance reality it's barely enough. But at the end he says he wants to take me to do a showcase in the summer in another town about two hours away from here.

So all the shit with J might be what I consider to be the 80%, but I'm choosing to revel in the fact that two dancers who are leagues ahead of J in ability want me to dance with them. It may only be 20% but it's a good 20%.

The hits keep on comin'

I went to a birthday party for another girl I dance with on Saturday. We had a big snow storm, but I missed the bulk of it by staying in doors eating, drinking and dancing with my friends.

The best part of saturday day night was getting to know the Birthday Girl. We've danced together on the team for a couple of months, but I've never gotten to hang out with her much. The next part was dancing - she and I totally tore up the floor alternating between booty dancing and leading each other, and then dancing with SOG. He came with his new almost girlfriend, but this time it didn't stop him from dancing with us. This wasn't one of our regular dancing places with a crowd of dancers who aren't that impressed with good dancers because the place is 75% good dancers, or at least dance lovers. This was a martini bar that had a dance floor. So many people were asking where we learned to dance, and what studio we danced at. He was dipping us, dropping us, everything short of full on tricks and lifts. Then I drove the B-day Girl home and we talked some more while she sobered up. It was a really fun time.

Earlier in the night I called B to find out if she was coming. I had a feeling she was dancing with J, but she hadn't said as much, and another of our girlfriends thought she was coming, so I called. No, I was right she was dancing with J and then she was going to go home to her boyfriend.

Last night I find out that no, she didn't go home to her boyfriend's she went out dancing with J.

How did I find out? B-day Girl and I were raving about how much fun we had with SOG, his new girl, and the others at the bar, we talked about how he danced with us. And B chimes in with "oh yeah, that's what J and I did." And went on about how the crowd loved it etc.

I seriously wonder about her sometimes. She dances with all of these guys and hardly any of them know she has a serious boyfriend. She admits to being over-the-top flirtatious when she dances - she's been kissed twice by guys on the dance floor - and in the past it has gotten her into trouble with her boyfriend. It makes me seriously doubt her feelings for this guy or at least wonder if he's not just some comfort zone from which she can tease all these guys.

And even as I type this I am wondering why do I care? because I'm jealous. 'cuz the guys do want her, 'cuz J wants her and one of these days I'm expecting her to come back with a story about J kissing her on the dance floor like he did me. Or worse finding out that she's ruined things with her boyfriend for J - chosen J over the bf over our friendship.

The World as I know it

Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. Stuff has been going on, but I've been in a funk lately. Which I suppose is the natural outcome of being pushed out of one's job and not getting the one hoped for. I'm sitting in an apartment I can't afford with a hobby I can't afford and no job prospects on the horizon.

To make matters worse my dancing world is also going topsy turvy. A few weeks ago I was in the middle of my private lesson when who do I see walk into the dance studio? BMG. At first I thought I was imagining things, but that was not the case. She was there, and she was there to stay. For two weeks she was there every day I was. The second week she was helping out behind the reception desk and the owner was talking like she already had a job lined up there doing sales. I managed to admit to my instructor that I had a jealousy issue with her, and that seems to have helped. I don't think that we can be friends but, at least I don't really hate her. The fact that he did say that she was a better dancer than me probably helped - odd I know. But he's my dance guru so there is not more hiding from the truth there - that and the fact that he said he was also positive that I am smarter. That just makes me smile.

I did a performance two weeks ago and it went horribly. For one most of the other girls ditched so there were only two of us. But to make matters worse. I discovered that my good friend B, was not skipping because of work like she originally said. She was skipping because she is now one of J's dance partners and she had a performance for that. Two actually.

I handled the news well for a few days. I saw B on Tuesday for a lesson with SOG and we made plans to work out together Wednesday morning. I was even nice enough to ask how the performances went even though she hadn't told me about them a another girl had. She jabbered away about being nervous etc. We talked about J as a dancer. The thing is that I've given B the short version of what happened with J and I. How I admitted to feelings for him and he just "wanted to have fun" and now ignores me. But she can be friends with who ever she wants, but I'm having a hard time not feeling betrayed.

I did fine until that night. We went out dancing and I don't know what she said as we were leaving, but I got home and sobbed my eyes out. I don't know if is the fact that she was going to be dancing with him again today, or that she got kissed on the dance floor by some other guy that made me realize she's infinitely more wanted than me. It just broke my heart the idea of them dancing together. I just sobbed and sobbed for knowing that no matter how good of a dancer I might become, I will never be good enough for J to ask me to be his partner.

And then Thursday came. I was puffy eyed and exhausted from crying myself to sleep, but felt a little better. It isn't as if I ever had to see them together. She knows I don't like going out to that club. Except that I was wrong.

I had a hair appointment right before another joint private with B and SOG. I had been wanting a change for a while - depression does that to me. Usually it's a guy, but not having a job and being turned down for the job I wanted counts. So she gave me what I wanted - something totally different. It was actually to the point where people didn't recognize me. At rehearsal after our lesson one girl thought I was a new member. At the club later I had my regular partners not asking me to dance and guys that don't generally ask me asking me.

I felt fantastic like I was the belle of the ball - cinderella but with out the curfew. Unfortunately I was wrong about the whole not seeing J and B together. Because around 10:30 I sit down after a dance and feel a touch on my elbow. I turn only to see J holding his hand out asking me to dance. I don't think it's a coincidence that B hasn't been out dancing in a couple months because of her work schedule but the one night she does come out with us J also shows up, I also don't think it's a coincidence that he asked me dance on the one night that my friends who see me 5 times a week didn't recognize me. Obviously he danced mostly with B and only asked me the one time.

I still had a great time though. I even went out and danced with B trying to lead her through what few moves I know. Granted I was just fooling around, but I saw J watching us, and the mean spirited part of me just wanted to show him that she and I are friends. So that if he tries anything I will know about it. And I wouldn't put it past him to try something on her. Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, she knows she over the top flirtatious. I asked her after the kissing incident if she said "hey, I've got a boyfriend, this is just dancing" and she said "oh, I probably should have." This is the boyfriend she moved across the country to be with.

A part of me is still hurt by the whole thing. But I also had the thought that he must see what a good dancer I am. I know that I am at least as good as B if not better. And it is more to do with personality than anything else. I'm confused by his inability to be nice or friendly despite my efforts. I can't see how he would think that I'm still hung up on him (sure maybe I am a little - but not in a stalker, I'm gonna wait forever for you, or a if I can't have noone can). I have never gone off on him or come on to him again. I can only imagine that it is imaturity on his part - but that is the part that is hard to get my head around. Sure you may not want to go out with me, but I am a likable person, and I don't see why he doesn't like me.

Stupid ass pride - but Thursday was such a good night. I am seriously hoping I can stop feeling bad about this. I will probably never go see them perform, but B is still my friend and J can go fuck himself for all I care.

Zero Prospects

Well, I didn't get the job I wanted. After two weeks of waiting I got the official No. Even though I was at the top of their list, I got rejected for not having direct experience. So what was the point? Two and a half months of effort and waiting and hoping for this to come through. When the whole time they knew I didn't have direct experience.

And I'm pissed off about my current job. I wish I had listened to my gut a year ago and not taken this job. Because now I'm left with nothing.

Stalker boy

I was afraid that he would, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, unfortunately he didn't deserve it. M showed up to one of my dance classes last night. I knew he had taken the class before but hadn't been there in months because that was the night he has his daughter over.

I had a sneaking suspicion and I was gonna skip class, but I really needed to practice my team routine. Knowing I haven't been motivated to practice at home, I was going to make use of the time before and after class to work on it. I should have just done it at home - I didn't get as much practice as I wanted in, because he showed up early and started talking to me. Asking when he could see me again, reminding me that he promised me a better time next time, and mentioning that he was going to come to our team's dress rehersal this week. Apparently SOG has been inviting him to them so that we have an audience but that he hasn't taken him up on the offer. So why is he doing it now? He didn't say, but I can guess.

I told him repeatedly that it would weird me out / psych me out if he was there and that I wish he wouldn't come. That is of course SOG's point in getting us used to an audience. But it's not the same when the guy who is the audience wants you and you're not wanting him.

To top it off, I didn't get to practice after class either. Usually while my dance instructor is giving a private lesson I use the other side of the studio to practice. There is usually nobody else there. Last night though everyone was hanging around talking, practicing for a show etc. I ended up talking to this other guy. I've had my eye on him for awhile he reminds me a bit of J in looks - but is actually nice. We talked for maybe half an hour. He definitely has a girlfriend, which made me back off for a bit, but lately I've seen him watching me even when he's with her. Not that I'm going to go trying to break him up or anything, but there's no harm in being very friendly just in case.

As for M - I think that I'm turning into the J of this scenario. My only plan at this point is to use him for sex for a few months while letting it naturally kind of fade away. Of course, I think I should actually tell him that I am not interested in a romantic relationship. That way when it doesn't last or develope into something more he can't say he wasn't warned.

That was a bad idea.

Why is it that even as I'm thinking "this is such a bad idea" I continuing to do what ever it is that I think I shouldn't be doing?

One of the guys I dance with at the different clubs and who is frequently in classes and workshops that I take invited me over about a month ago to work on some dance moves. He also works with SOG and I have helped him out in his lessons there. On Friday he invited me out for the weekend. I figured we'd have dinner and go somewhere to dance.

Instead he made dinner for me (it wasn't very good) and said he wasn't really interested in going out dancing as he'd been in workshops all day (not ones that I attended). So instead he went through a few dance moves and then kissed me. Well, talked about my lips alot and then kissed me.

This guy is too old for me. Not in the age number sense, but in the divorced with a teenage daughter sense. And while I knew he liked me I never really expected him to try anything so I figured I was safe in being nice to him. And I figured if got anywhere near official dating territory that I'd give the whole I'm really flattered but I feel too young for you or some other equally phony excuse.

Well so much for that plan. Because then we're making out on the couch. All is fine. He's not a great kisser, but passable and then he starts going for the nipples. I do not understand what it is about me that when I'm making out with a guy for the first time that he thinks okay, it's time to go for it. Seriously - shouldn't that be second or third date territory? The whole time I'm thinking "why me?" and "I really shouldn't be doing this." The next thing I know shirts are off and he's carrying me to his bedroom.

I wish I could blame the two glasses of wine and the shot of tequila for my very bad judgement. But the truth is I've been through a dry spell since the X left town and J seems to be done with me and I let my body take over.

I have this problem with saying what I feel and mean when I mean and feel it. I did that to K. As soon as I was sure I wasn't interested in dating him. That was bad enough and he still gives me the "I miss you" treatment and sad puppy dog eyes when I run into him. Now here is this guy (M) I am not interested in a relationship with him but I ended up sleeping with him on the second pseudo date. It wasn't even that great. But to be fair I can't imagine any first time being as good as the first time with J. And maybe that has a lot to do with it too.

I had a bad dance team practice and I have gotten a left over dress to wear after all the other girls (some of the ones that joined after I did) chose theirs. It is not what I would have picked, and it is not as flattering as the one I had been wearing, but the Alpha Girl (friend of BMG and she's been on the team longest) decided she wanted that one. I find the whole thing completely unfair. I work on the nights that they have practice and because I wasn't there last week I get stuck with the dress no one else wants. I can't even tell why my dress was given to AG. She already had a smokin' hot dress to wear. The one I'm stuck with shows off the top of my thighs which I hate and gives me no waist because it's a box. It has an ugly neckline and I'll have to wear my hair up to give me some semblince of a neck at all.

Coming from that practice and feeling like crap about it, and comparing M to J while we're making out. I think led to very bad decision making. And now I'm stuck back peddling (yet again) to figure out how to not end up this guy's girlfriend.

Wow - that's low

My department head is on the phone setting up an interview for my job right now.

I haven't even handed her a letter yet. WTF?

People suck.

I'm glad I'm leaving. But I wish I had never told them I was going to. I wish I could have left them scrambling for awhile first.

Wow, and I thought she was the good one

I was told to write my letter of resignation today.

I had met with my department head before and I let her know that I was interviewing for jobs. I knew that my end of probation review was coming up around Thanksgiving, I just couldn't test out whether I'd be fired or not. In meeting with her then I was basically told that her review of me would be lukewarm - not good enough for me to keep my job.

Today she comes up asks me how the job hunt is going and to get a letter ready. She even pulled out a schedule to find out when would be the best time for me to say is my last day.

I really hate people soemtimes

Externalize the Stress

My skin is looking amazingly better this week. I've gone about three days with no new breakouts and only have three blemishes that are healing pretty quickly and some left over scars from the past 10 months. A few newer ones are already starting to fade. My instructor says that in 6-7 months I'll be all clear.

He tells me that part of the process is to externalize my stress. I can't keep hanging on to it and letting it pressure cook inside of me.

That's how sucky life can be

I don't know why I'm hurt or surprised.

I was finishing my dinner break and one of my old co-workers (from my old department) and the girl they replaced me with came in. They were leaving together - going to yoga.

I know it's stupid. This girl is struggling in that job now too. Why do I begrudge her an office friend? Because she was my friend.

I was sat down by my supervisor on Friday and basically told that if I don't resign before Thanksgiving that she would be put in the awkward position of giving me a so-so review on my probationary review which could in all likely-hood result in me being fired.

I am still counting on the other job coming though (I have an interview on the First) and I've interviewed for a back up job too. So I knew I'd be leaving before then anyway. But having that said to you sucks.

Two Weeks

Well, two weeks after I texted J I officially give up.

I deleted his phone number out of my cell's phone book and I am not answering any text messages should they happen to come my way.

Since we don't seem to talk to each other when we are out either, it should be no problem to ignore his existence completely.

Surreal

I am finding it hard to believe that a month ago I was giving SOG and his girls death glares, but now I am hanging out with them and on the route to being friends.

I ended up doing two shows this weekend the regularly scheduled October 6 show, and filling in at the last minute on Friday as well. Then we had regular practice on Sunday. We all went out on Saturday night after the show to until like 5am. So it was alot of bonding time with people I used to think were too cool to be around.

I'm having trouble with my instructor's instructions to start forgiving people. I have reawakened my loathing for J. Last Wednesday he blanked me at a club. Didn't say hi and didn't ask me to dance. He said good-bye to SOG, but I don't even think J looked in my direction even though there were times that he was dancing right next to me. Then on Thursday I made the mistake of text messaging him. I wasn't trying to get together with him. I was out at my usual Thursday night club, I was thinking of B and J, and wondering why he never came out to this club, but the one time a few months ago. So I texted him and asked that. Today is Wednesday and he never responded. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was out of town for the weekend. There was a huge dance congress out of town (the one that BMG quit the dance team in order to attend) and it's not impossible to believe that he would go. This didn't cheer me up when I thought of the possibility of J and BMG going together.

On Saturday as I was hanging out with B after our show J came up in conversation. I was pissed with him, I wanted her to know that he was just trying to get into her pants so I ended up saying something to that effect - that J was only calling and texting her to get into pants and that he'd stop if she would tell him that she has a boyfriend. I also called him a jerk because he never responded to my texts and only contacted me when he wanted to have sex. She rightly inferred that we had slept together, but promised she wouldn't say anything. The other girl on the team S (who is good friends with BMG) has the hots for L (we changed the subject when she came in to who on the dance scene would you sleep with given the chance). S also has a boyfriend, but things aren't going well. I wish I could have said don't bother, L is alot sexier out of bed than in it. S also mentioned J, but just to say that he had asked her to dance with him at his club a few times but was never able to.

I am still in the "I hate him but I want to win" mode. I want to dance really well with SOG sometime when J is watching. I want him to know that I'm not taking lessons with SOG, but that I'm on his dance team, just like all the other girls he's asked to help him out. I want him to know that I am good enough and then I want to squash him and his puny little ice-cold heart.

This attitude is a far way from forgiveness. I think even though I don't like her - I never got to know her - I have forgiven BMG. That was easier because the rational side of my brain always knew she wasn't an instigator and that she never really "stole" J away from me because he wasn't mine. But forgiving J is proving to be a much harder task. For five or six days now all I can think about is that he's a jackass, a bastard, a jerk and many other explicatives. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like this. I deserve so much better. And I'm never going to change his mind or open his eyes he's never going "come to his senses." But giving up on him and forgiving him for his jerky behavior are not the same thing at all. I have yet to manage the first one even though every rational part of my being is trying to get me to do it.

The best laid plans

Well, I did it. I convinced B to come out to J's club with her boyfriend. I was super excited. I was looking forward to seeing J and seeing what happened when he met B's boyfriend. I wore the best outfit. Short flirty skirt and a shiny tank top. I looked so good!

I was the first to get there before SOG, before B and anyone else that was showing up. I get there and there are three cop cars parked out front, a bunch of people standing outside on the street, and a huge man in black with a walkie-talkie standing at the front door. They weren't letting anyone in, but some customers were walking out who said that the police were coming and going, but that they were letting everyone in there finish their dinner. We stood outside for a while, but every time we asked we were given a later time for when we'd be allowed in. Finally when everyone showed up we went somewhere else. I tried texting J to find out if he was inside and if he had any info - but he was not/did not.

It ended up being a rather lame night. I was also way over dressed for the place we went to next. And my food wasn't even that good for all the bragging that SOG and some other person in our group did about the place. They played some good music even though we only had one guy (SOG) to five ladies.

I am disapointed that I didn't get to see J interact with B and her boyfriend. But I did manage to ask her how she knew J. Because she had never been to J's club before. I thought that was how she knew him. But no - apparently she danced with him once at a different club, thought he was hot, and then another time when she was talking to him and someone else she made the mistake of saying something about how cute he was or how much she thought of him. But you think she would have backtracked herself and mentioned - "oh but I have a boyfriend."

Oh well whatever. I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about it. J is a player and he's gonna go after other girls. I also have to remind myself that last saturday was an odd occurance and to stop getting my hopes up that he's gonna call again. He was probably hoping to get with B and settled for me instead. As much as I don't really don't have time for a boyfriend right now, I really wish I could meet someone who could take my mind off of J. It's been a year now - why can't get over this jackass?

Forgiving

My dance teacher is getting in the habit of making me cry.

Yesterday it was posture. He tells me I'm not the slump shouldered, rounded back, "don't look at me" postured girl. I thought I was getting better, but I tend to carry all of my stress in my shoulders so I tighten them up alot.

He tells me the next step for skin is to start forgiving. Me, the people in my past what ever is making me try to hide. Unfortunately he used the "g" word as in if you need to ask for help in the forgiving process. I should have just said that I'm agnostic and thus God and I aren't really on speaking terms. He also said that if I wanted to talk or anything, get a drink whatever that he'd be there.

But that would involve admitting all the horrible catty-ness that I fall prey to. And I'm not ready to show that side of me yet. I care too much what he thinks of me.

Extra time is Bonding time

Managed to meet up with SOG last night. B was there too. I headed over after work and they wanted to eat when I got there. So we pile into SOG's car head to a fast food place and take it back to SOG's house.

The weirdest thing, is when I walk in, I am greeted to the sight of a shirtless dance instructor from my studio. The same one I've saw BMG having a lesson with a couple of weeks ago.

It was probably 7 by the time we actually started dancing. Turns out, the reason I need extra time - I'm not dancing the same dance as the other girls. It's kind of like initiation. The first performance for a new girl is always this one. So we practiced and I only half sucked. There is one particular move that I have never been comfortable with. It's a front dip where the guy rotates the girl's upper body in an arc. You've got to rdie the guy's knee in order to get the right bend in your back. I can not loosen up enough to do it. I had better get over that though I guess.

We also tried on dresses. Apparently SOG doesn't have enough for all the girls (he thought he did, but he's one short). I was not allowed to even think about trying on the one that BMG wears. B says she's very territorial about it. I'm not suprised, it's short and has a huge diamond cut out from sternum to below the navel, revealing BMG's favorite body party. I wouldn't want it anyway it's a weird lemony green color. Instead I got to try on the dress originally reserved for B. It is now mine. She's so much tinier than I am that it fits a little better on me. You'd think that was a mean thing to do, but now she gets a brand new dress. She gets to go for a fitting and everything. Mine is pink,low in the front and bare in the back (which is my favorite body part to expose) and shorter in the front than the back with a weird side slit, ruffles, and thirty thousand rhinestones (not really, I just made that number up).

There's the Rub

This is the problem, and why I so often tried to go cold turkey from J.

Withdrawl.

It was bad before when I was just horny or wanting to make out with somebody. Now that I've been with him again it's gotten worse. I keep thinking about this coming Friday. Either it will go well, or I'll be sad and disapointed. I'm sure it will be sad and dissapointed. That is the general track record with J. It'll be another three months before he wants to "keep me company" again.

I'm so bad I need extra tutoring

My favorite social dancing night was yesterday. The place was packed and hot! ButI had a great time. I barely sat out at all and a couple of guys asked me to dance multiple times. Unfortunately I think one might have a crush on me, and the other danced like he was trying to get into my pants.

I thought B was going to come out because she missed saturday to be with her boyfriend. The other girls and SOG were there. SOG danced with me twice and everytime I'd walk by him and he wasn't dancing he'd poke me. I don't know if he was being friendly or reminding me to stand up straight. I missed B because she's the only one of the girls who's actually friendly toward me. It doesn't help that they've all known each other longer and that I am still trying to work on my animosity toward BMG who seems to be the queen bee.

As I was leaving SOG tells me that we need to meet during the week before the 2 hours I've arranged with him on Friday morning. I'm thinking - crap. I knew I didn't dance really well with him, but I must have sucked if he thinks I need extra, extra work. I keep wondering when he'd gonna figure out that I'm not cut out for his team and give me the pink slip.

Will Power, Psychic Powers, and the Power of Morning Breath

I am weak willed, I know this. Unfortunately I do nothing to change it.

I went out last night. It's a new place - or an old place that they are trying to make new really. But the turn out was good. I got there 10ish and the place was empty an hour later it was jam packed. I left about 1am. I had invited B, she lives near me and I thought we could go together. But she needed to spend time with the boyfriend and at first considered bringing him with, but in the end they went elsewhere.

Secretly I hope she does bring the BF out with her, the "team" is supposed to go to J's club this Friday. I'm wondering if I can subtely suggest that she bring the BF with her. It's a good atmosphere for dancers and non-dancers alike.

On the way home I was in full fantasy mode thinking of what that Friday would be like. I ended up with the fantasy of a conversation with J (I also imagined that I'd have to be kind of tipsy - and he would have to had thawed his heart enough to give a shit about my feelings). It was pretty simple where he asks if I hate him now and I go off on the reasons that I hate what went down between us. I had quite a list at 1:15am last night.

At 1:16 my phone goes off with a text message from J asking if I went dancing. IT was pretty freaky considering I had just been having an imaginary conversation with him. Through a series of texts he asks if I'm at home alone and if I want company. So yeah, I gave in and around 2am he came over.

The high point was he stayed over and left around 8am. The low point, when he fell asleep around 3am in the middle of me going down on him. That has never happened to me before. The X was always very complimentary about my abilities in that area. But I let it go and lay down next to him and fell asleep too. It was a nice little breather of about 20 minutes before he started up again and neither one of us mentioned that he fell asleep.

I didn't think he was going to stay. When he got up to use the bathroom I thought for sure the "thank you" was coming and that he'd get dressed and go. But instead he got in under the covers put his arm around me and we fell asleep. He must dream in Spanish or plan his lessons (yep, he does have a teaching job) in his sleep. Because at one point when I shifted I must have woke him up just long enough for him to say "Cuantos anos tienes?" I know what it means, and I can't think he's asking me. So when I said what? He just said, "anos, anos" (sorry, can't make a tilde for the N) and went right back to sleep.

In the morning he got up I asked him what he was up to for the day, I had to work, he said he had to grade 130 spanish papers. When he left he said that he would kiss me but he had serious morning breath. I said I did too, but I didn't force the issue. It rang more towards the "I would kiss you, but I don't want you to make more of this than it is" type excuse.

What's really bad is that most of the time - even as I lay next to him when he fell asleep half way through - I kept thinking "I win! I win!" but in the back of my mind I wondered if he wasn't wishing I was B.

I am interested to see what will happen on Friday when I go with the Team to his club.

Why not me?

B has the hots for J. She said as much on Thursday nights. Now she has a boyfriend that she moved across the country to be with, so I don't think she's going to go after him. But on thursday she talked about feeling bad about how a couple of weeks ago he called her 3 times and finally she texted him where she'd be on Sunday but then left early before he got there. That was the Sunday I saw him and that he didn't stay long.

I'm seriously pissed off. I know that B doesn't know my history with J, or that I am seriously trying to get my head on straight about him. The last think I need to hear is that he's calling her left and right. Why is he going after the girl with a boyfriend, but he couldn't keep in touch with the girl he slept with for months. Even before I came out and told him I liked him he didn't contact me except for sex.

What is it about B that he treats her like a friend, and I got used and thrown away?

I could have been working with him

Turns out that J is now teaching and teacher training at a local Arthur-Murray dance studio. One of his former students (the one who busted out with "J and I still dance sometimes" back last October) goes there. She showed up on a testing day and there he was.

The funny thing is I remember reading the announcement looking for A-M teachers in early August. It was right when I got the news that managment here isn't satisfied with my performance. I thought that maybe I would give it a shot. A-M teaches people to be dance teachers. That way they groom you into being the dancer/teacher they want.

The reason I decided against it was that their training is the same time as classes at my dance studio. There was also the fact that my mother would totally disaprove, but if I decide to do it in the future (and I'm thinking seriously about it) I would just wouldn't tell her until I got a job somewhere. It would be a better deal than the Ballroom Dance Teacher College in San Fran. Although, that is still a possibility. A friend of mine is in grad school right now, just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She would move to San Fran with me after she graduates.

There's the science

Yesterday my instructor told me stop using my medicated washes on my skin. To get topical vitamin E and aloe, to mix them together and put it on my skin after I wash my face. He did infact talk about the actual causes of acne this time and didn't discuss the universe and my terminal. He also talked about psychology. And that some of it might be psychosomatic. That I am some how attached to my acne for psychological reasons.

I was trying to figure out when my skin really started getting bad. It was fine last summer. I don't see anything in my holiday pictures either. So I'm thinking it had to be spring time - round about when I went off and back on the pill because I was confused about what I was doing with J, and then the whole BMG jealousy spike.

Now, It could have been going back on the pill. Even though it was a pill that is meant to help my skin. I even switched brands and it made barely a marginal difference. I am hoping this holistic approach my instructor is trying will work (I just looked up holistic to make sure I was using it right - and it turns out that I am the connection between mind, body, spirit. And there is even a mention of kinesiology here.) and I won't have to go off the pill I'm on. I like the lack of period I get with it.

So the vitamin E and Aloe is supposed to "nurish" my skin. The mind part is the psychological attachment part. I made myself write down all of the ways I might be psychologically attached to this in the hopes that if I recognize the reasons it will be easier to let go of them. To see that I don't really want to hang on to those reasons. I don't really want to be held back.

The spirit part - well I consider myself an agnostic. I have no faith for religion or atheism. But I believe in something - it some kind of cosmic butterfly effect. In that what I do affects the universe, other people, and myself. I generally use Karma as a catch all for this idea, even though I don't know that I truely believe in re-incarnation, so the term isn't accurate in the way that I use it.

I'm not saying that the universe is getting back at me for harboring hatred toward BMG. But maybe my poisonous thoughts and feelings are having negative consequences for me.

Why do I feel Undeserving?

I went to dance class last night. All went well, I had fun. I let my dance teacher know about the performance group I joined. Although I have not been able to get ahold of SOG to book a time to start learning this stuff. I hope my work schedule doesn't allow me to fall through the cracks.

My instructor was pretty proud of me. He says that he knows that there was a time I would have said no to an opportunity like that. The thing is that I want to be the type of person who thrives on peforming, on being seen by other people, but a part of me is also terrified of that. I'm working on getting rid of the terror and sticking with the positive.

Then he asks me about my skin. I've been using the Proactive for nearly 3 months now and my skin is only marginally better. I still break out nearly every day. They just seem to be smaller and come and go faster than they did before. It is highly frurstrating. I think that alot has to do with the pill. It has gotten a little bit better since I switched perscriptions. He tells me he can help.

I don't really get it to be honest. And I don't know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound completely crazy. He says he works with Kinesology. I thought that was sports medicine. But the way he describes it, it goes to what I would call a spiritual level. He talked about the universe being like the internet, and people are the terminals. But you don't have access to another terminal with out that person's permission. So he basically was asking me permission to "access my terminal." I know how it sounds - If it had been anyone else I would have thought he was propositioning me. But he just wants to help me - he wants me to acheive my goals. He doesn't want me continuing to feel self conscious about my skin.

It was so amazingly nice. On the process itself I remain slightly skeptical. But he told me to keep visualizing how I'll look and feel with clear skin and I can do that. I ended up crying. First because it does make me self consious and also because I can't get over that he wants to help me like this. I don't really get it - even though he says he does it because he can. My dance instructor isn't the only one, my old boss, SOG I don't know what they see in me that gives them confidence in me. I lack it so much of the time.

If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em.

Well, it is official I am joining the performance troupe that SOG runs and BMG is on. At first it was hard. I showed up about 5 minutes early on Sunday and BMG was finishing a private lesson with an instructor from my dance studio. (No wonder I never saw her at the classes, because she can bring them to her.) He recognized me - but I kind of let them finish up talking and didn't really talk to her. SOG asked her to lead me in stretching and obviously she can do the splits and stuff that I can't. But never once did he insinuate that I wouldn't be able to do what she does. I watched the routine. I like parts of it, but others are a little weird. Maybe when there are 6 girls in a row doing it together it'll look better.

B showed up (the girl I like and have hung out with) I think she and I are on the same page with being frustrated with how good the other girls are. I'm amazed at the fact that even in a dance class BMG insinsts on the bare midrift. Literally she tied her t-shirt up in the back so that her tummy was out. I don't get it.

In the end though, I think this is a good oportunity to get over my irrational dislike of her. She was friendly. And having seen the end of her lesson, and hearing her express frustration about steps and not getting certain body movements. I realized that she's learning too. According to B she spends every waking minute doing this, so no wonder she's alot better faster - I thought I was just crazy in thinking she wasn't that great back in February. I was little uncomfortable when she asked me if I knew J. But then it was my fault for wearing my university t-shirt. I'm just waiting for somebody to let me know that they are going out. She was impressed that I learn other dances at my studio and wants to learn others too. She took my phone number. Again - I am trying to get over my irrational hatred, so I am trying to tell myself that it will be okay if she comes to the studio.

Being with the performance team I will get extra dance time, extra lessons with SOG at a reasonable price that pays for the dance space. I knew that my mom would be the hardest to convince that doing this was a good idea of if the price was too high, monthly dues for rehersal space, and a pair of performance quality dance shoes. The costumes are provided, private lessons are provided in exchange for performaning at smaller events. My mom thought it was wonderful. She was so excited.

The first performance is on the 6th. So I don't have a lot of time to get ready. I am both extremely excited and extreamely nervous at the same time.

Okay, where's Allen Funt?

Seriously. First the note on the car and now this.

I get to the club last night and as I'm walking I get greeted to BMG. She's back to jazz pants and mid-drift baring tops instead of short skirts. I guess that means it's officially fall. I was hoping she had some other committments (school maybe) come up because she hasn't been there for two weeks.

No such luck.

The advanced lesson was still going on so I was just milling with people when Show Off Guy comes up and takes me by the hand. Now, he rarely dances with me. I always figured I wasn't good enough. Even though I've gotten better in the past couple months due to my private lessons with my jedi master (he really is). I had seen him going over a step with someone when I first came in, I figured maybe he just wanted to practice, though I was dumfounded as to why he would ask me. But that was not it. Instead he just took me aside, away from people, and asked me if I'd ever considered performing on a dance team because he's got one and would I like to look into it.

Who me?

He gave me his card and asked me to call him. That I could come by when the girls rehearse and see what it's all about.

It's weird, because I did dance with him on Sunday. I even wanted to ask him, since he does teach etc, if he could give me one or two things to work on. But I never worked up the courage, especially since he stopped dancing with me after more people arrived that night.

I'm a little afraid he'll expect me to take lessons with him, because I think the other girls do. But I am highly invested in my dance studio. I'm highly, highly invested in my jedi master (aka dance instructor). I just plunked down $75 per private lesson to the tune of more than $900 with the expectation that I'll plunk down another $900 in a month. For a total of 6 months of private lessons. Sounds like a lot, but that's with a discount from $90 per lesson to $75.

I shall this weekend, though. Because I am going to go check it out.

Oddly enough, B came up to me when she was leaving and said she was very excited that I was "joining the team." That she had asked him tonight about asking me.

Twelve hours later I'm still majorly suprised.

The world and everyone in it is out to get me

The good:
On Monday I found out that my resume was passed on to the hiring manager for the job I really, really want.
Yesterday I emailed a woman over there that I had met with once before. Just to let her know that I had applied and to remind her of me. It worked and she is in fact on the interview committee.

The BAD:
On Tuesday when stopping for cleaning supplies I reached for some bleach only to have it spill all down a very pretty green hoodie that I own. I ended up getting a gift card from the store manager to replace it, but even so there is a huge white streak down the right side.

On the drive home I took a wrong turn and was pulled over by a police officer. I now have a $115 speeding ticket.

The just plain Weird:
I went out last night (like always) danced up a storm and when I get back to my car there is a note on it. I'm thinking "shit, just what I need, somebody hit my car. But at least they left a note." And I start looking for damage. There isn't any so I grab the note and it says "Saw you dancing and wanted to say hi. You've got a great ass, if you want to get to know me better call me XXX-XXX-XXXX, First & Last name."

Um, what? I'm picturing a bunch of cars peppered with similar notes, because how in the world does this guy (I didn't recognize his name) know who I am and which car is mine?

Now I'm Suspicious

I didn't want to admit before, but last week's text messages from J, about how nice I was, and XOXO struck me as being from a girl. Now, I know he lives with his phone. I saw him tonight, his phone was in his back pocket and he checked it in between every song.

But before then I was hanging out with Show Off Guy and one of his "girls" aka member of his dance team - B. She's nice, a little older than the other ones, and apparently very new to dancing. How in the world SOG decided to put her on the team I have no idea. But whatever. So, SOG is off dancing and B leans toward me asks me if I know J. I say yeah, and she says that he's probably coming. She dances one or two more, and then decides to leave. I dance one or two more, go to the bathroom and J is there at the bar when I get back. We danced two songs and he didn't stay very long.

But I'm now really interested to know a) why she would think that I know J and b) why it's worth mentioning that he'd be coming out.

Confusion

My new dance teacher crush has a girlfriend. On saturday I went to a dinner performance that ended with open dancing and he was there with her. Things looked a little icy between them. At one point he asked her to dance and she gave him the cold shoulder. She left pretty soon after that. I saw them again the next day. They looked a little happier to be together. I actually saw them dance and it seemed like they were having a good time. Then I saw them come in on Thursday separately and they didn't dance together, I don't even remember seeing them talk.

With the long weekend there was lots of dancing to be done. On Saturday I thought I was going to get to see J at his club. I was supposed to meet people for dinner there, but that ended up not happing, then we were going to finish the night there, but got turned around and ended up driving by a different club and dancing there instead. There were quite a few guys there that looked like him though, getting my hopes up.

I was with L, and a girl he knows who is on a dance team with BMG. Blech. But I was nice to this girl. Little did I know that I was going to meet the other girls on Sunday. I wasn't able to be as nice to them - just too young.

On Sunday I met people to see a live band, and then to the after party. At one point I thought I saw J while I was dancing with K. But it turned out not to be him. Eventually I did see him there, he walked in looking all chic with a blazer over a t-shirt and a white hat. I then went to dance with L. L is a huge flirt - so dancing with him ends up becoming a little sexy. I was just hoping that J was watching. When I danced with K again he leaned in and said how much he misses kissing me. I feel a little bad for him, because I am so not interested.

J didn't stay terribly long. The dance floor was so small it was very crowded. On the way home I texted J. Telling him he looked good in the jacket and hat and asking if he had had a good time. He eventually texted back that he did have a good night and asked if I did. I said yes even though the dance floor was small. J then texts me back "good, u know u r so nice. Love u." HUH? I think I said hi to him 3 weeks ago. So I said "LOL! That's sweet. I guess I just can't help it. :)" to which he texted "XOXO" I left it there. I didn't know what else to say other than to bring it down by asking if he was drunk and that's why he was being so nice to me. I'm just guessing that he's surprised that I don't hold a grudge for the stuff that happened between us. I mean, I wasn't nice to him before. I gave him a hard time for wanting to have sex with me after ignoring me for so long. I gave him a hard time about canceling on me at the fourth of july. But in the end - stupid me I know - I still like him. I still care about him - how he' doing, what he's up to.

I hate that he did this - even though it gives me a happy warm feeling - precicely because it gives me that happy warm feeling. My brain immediately launched into fantasy mode of him coming to his senses and actually asking me out.

Lucky Day

I'm so proud that I put my moritorium on clothes buying. Because I just won a $100 shopping spree!

The Illustrated guide to my low self-esteem

The sources of my discontent:

1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.




2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.




3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.




4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.

And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:

Then there's this:





Compared to me.


And the infamous booty shorts:

I mean really - she's hit the genetic jackpot on her lower body. The only thing I can really pick out on her is the noticable "man abs." When she wears low rise it's even more obvious that she's got no waist and handles on her abs like men have. But other than those two things - I can't put a picture of her and the fact that she's tanner and has better skin. bleh.

This is what I compare myself to on a nearly daily basis. No wonder I hate these elements of my body.

Weekend Ups and Downs

Saturday was another day of special workshops with famous instructors. On Wednesday when I went out they were handing out flyers so I thought that there was a chance that J would show up. He went to the one in October, and the one in March when he was with BMG.

So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.

I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.

Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.

The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.

That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.

Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?

It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.

Why does this bother me?

I wish I could extinguish the torch I carry for J. I really do. Months later little things still turn me on or make me mad.

Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.

I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.

I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.

I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.

On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.

On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.

And the reality

I've been really good with caffeine. I've not had any in days. Sugar - not so much.

I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.

I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?

I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.

That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.

Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.

I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.

The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.

I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.

Why do they call it?

Why do they call it "loosing" one's virginity?

I for one know exactly where I left mine.

This is how it's going to be

1) There is a moretorium on all clothes purchases until Christmas clearance sales. I must wear all my dance gear that I have already bought before then. My mother says she'll take me shopping when she comes back to town as part of a girls day out since she's been gone longer than she wanted, and I've been taking care of her mail and plants. At that time, I will only get work clothes. I am returning 3 items I've bought and am not going to wear to a savings of $20 (they were all on clearance). The only exception to the purchasing rule will be at Halloween when I will get a pattern and fabric.

2) I will wake up on time and do 15 minutes of exercise each morning until my gym access opens. At which time I will start jogging in the mornings. I will work on my abs with more frequency.

3) I will add more fruits and vegetables to my diet in the form of fresh produce and stop buying candy.

4) I will give up caffeine for one month and determine the benefits at that time.

5) I will consume more water and less soda daily.

6) I will apply for the open positions I see and think I would like to work at. I will keep an open mind about relocating away from my dance studio. I will put my application in for community college adjunct in the next two weeks.

Damn those stupid crushes

I have a new crush - another dance instructor (as if I meet anyone else these days).

A guy I have danced with and hung out with some kept talking about this great instructor C. I have my lessons with B, I like him. We clicked right away. He's much older, and he's focused on the fundamentals. He's constructive when he criques and he wants me to ask questions and ask for explination if I don't get it. He picks up on little things very well - in body language, in talking, in dancing. It's amazing. I'm not about to change, but this guy raved about C telling me I'd like him and I should think about having a private lesson with him. I know some dancers take a private lessons with different teachers at different times - but I liken mine to having a coach of sorts. I just want to have my one-on-one with B. So, I'm at a social dance and I get introduced to C. He asks me to dance and it was aweful. His lead was too light, he danced in a weird lose style I didn't recognize. Not great. And if I didn't already know he was an instructor I'd have guessed that he at least thought he was by his "dance floor" teaching.

So I was very disapointed when I went to group lessons this week, B wasn't there, but C was. He was subbing. I stuck around, because I was excited for the lessons - there were two new dances for me. I quickly wished I'd left. C was so condecending. He's used to privates, so he would spend 10 minutes at a time with a single person while the rest of us waited. I got that treatment once and I wished he hadn't. I think he eventually got frustrated with me - he just gave me this look and moved on to someone else. But, he kept asking me - "feel this? that's where you..." I wanted to say, and I should have "no, I don't feel it! You have a weak lead. and I DON'T feel it!" Then later on when I partnered with him on another dance - he kept telling me "no, go foward." and I'm thinking - what direction am I going in if this isn't foward? He never once said - you're swinging out, which is all I can really figure was going on, just "no, do this." I'm sorry, but if you want me to correct something, then I need to know first what I did wrong. I was not pleased when I finished the last class. I was pretty much set to ardently dislike him from then on.

Some of us decided to grab food afterward - and one of them invited C. C shows up and now I have to mingle with him over a late dinner. He spend a good amount of time flirting with the other girl at the table. But I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, I didn't click with him as at eacher, but man he's cute.

Then, I'm out at my normal place on Thursday and there he is. He spent like 3 songs talking to me, but he bought me a drink. We danced and he said that I was very good - I think he ended up getting drunk. But he was fun none-the-less. I saw him sit down and start talking to BMG at one point, she looked bored out of her mind and like she wanted nothing more than for him to leave. I laughed.

Her regular partner, show off guy - asked me to dance twice. He did some pretty fancy moves with me too, ones I've only ever seen him do with his regular partners.

But still - he's dead cute.

Tonight I got a random invite to J's club, from this guy I met back in November. He's leaving town and wanted to say good-bye. I've wanted to go back there for a while, so after furiously texting a few people for back up, I went. Only the guys showed up. L came, K, and CF. L didn't have a good time, but K and CF and the guy I met there were good sports. They have an even newer dj who played slightly better music. A little too heavy on the hip hop, but I ended up having a good time. Part of it was that J was not around. He was there but he was working valet. I said hi on the way in and out, I saw him briefly twice otherwise. And oddly I'm okay. I think I'm getting closer to friendly and away from nervousness.

I've come to the realization

I've finally realized that I don't want a career, or a profession. I don't want extra hours, professional development, and committee meetings. I don't want to have to take the initiative. I just want to sit down, do a job, do it well and leave. A job. Just a job. That's what I want.

I know I'm smart I could do the rest of it. But I don't want to. I don't have the motivation, the drive, the initiative. Because if I do it now, I'm just gonna have to keep doing it, and then it'll just get more and more responsibility from there.

I feel like the guy from Office Space or Kevin Spacey in American Beauty "That's okay, I want a position with the least amount of responsibility possible."